Am not exactly in the best of mood since Thursday evening. Life does spring its little surprises when you least expect it. Yeah, hell yeah, I am relieved that I don’t have to deal with that burdensome no career development job. But I guess, I am disappointed nonetheless that my expectation came true in the end. I think its just creepy, that my gut instinct somehow almost never fail me. Nonetheless, when the scenario that I replayed countless times in my head came true, it was still a hard pill to swallow. But, perhaps am less embittered than the others? Gosh, not too sure about that but heck, its happened and really the best is to move on and close the chapter. I am really grateful for the concern and care shown my way but I feel alone still. I can’t quite explain or pinpoint it, but its like you could have all the love in the world and yet you feel empty inside. Well, something like that…. sigh, I don’t know, to be honest. I think, right now, am just trying to be objective and rational about the whole situation. This is like a constant struggle with the other bit of me, that is disappointed, angsty, hermit-ish and short fused constantly. I can’t help it, I really can’t and I just want my way now. I know I should heed advice and listen but I don’t really want to, I feel extremely rebellious. I feel destructive?! Gosh, how wrong is that I should still behave like a kid and not feel apologetic! Am too wired up to sleep too. Too many thoughts are running through my head, too many scenarios, too many questions, too many of everything! Okay, maybe it were those freaky hours I kept for the past 3 weeks, it does take time to adjust back to normalcy. I shouldn’t rush the body clock, already its rebelling. Strangely but miraculously enough, the gastric attacks seem to have stopped almost overnight. For that, I am thankful, I was freaking out inwardly at the almost daily attack. I never had a relapse that bad since eons ago. To X, am touched that you try to be there for me when you can. You are great the way you are, you really are. I am sorry for sort of turning down your kind intention earlier, but please let me deal with this on my own first. Maybe its called pride, maybe its called dignity, am down but not out. I know I am stronger than this. This will not break me, not just yet.