If only they taught algebra this way in schools Funny algebra problem. Cow Economy Today, when I was clearing e-mails from last year (yes, that is how backdated I am, with work, salsa and capoeira taking centrestage), I came across this e-mail article, which still gives me a good laugh.TRADITIONAL CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.You sell them and retire on the income.AN AMERICAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You sell one and force the other to produce the milkof four cows.You are surprised when the cow drops dead.A FRENCH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.A JAPANESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size ofan ordinary cow andproduce twenty times the milk.You then create clever cow cartoon images called'Cowkimon' and marketthem World-Wide.A GERMAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eatonce a month, andmilk themsel ves.A BRITISH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.Both are mad.AN ITALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows, but you don't know where theyare.You break for lunch.A SWISS CORPORATIONYou have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.You charge others for storing them.A CHINESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim full employment and high bovineproductivity.You have the newsman who reported on the numbersarrested.AN INDIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You worship them.A MALAYSIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk atRM0.06 per litre.Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60or you cut thesupply.When the buyer agrees to the new price, you changeyour mind again andnow want RM1.20.The buyer decided you can keep the milk.They go look for milk that comes fro m recycled cowsor the cow urineinstead. Your two cows retire together with thePrime Minister.A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.One cow-peh and one cow-bu Porno Tube You have youtube. Sooner or later, there will be a pornographic version of it.Presenting … pornotube.com. Courtesy of shelled from cowboybar, who posted it in one her threads. Warning: Do not surf to the url, if you are offended by pornography.There are a few gems, though, and the video clip of the english training for hookers had my stomach in stitches. Enjoy. Hilarous NTU lecturer.Courtesy of Joelle, who posted the link in Cowboy bar. It's the music delivery, not the music genre. Friends who knows me, knows that I am a jazz fan, and most of my hang out places are jazz bars like Jazz @ Southbridge, or Harry's at Boat Quay. Growing up, most of my music exposure was musicals (think Les Miserables, Phantom of the Opera, etc.), classical and the occassional top 40s. Rock songs do not appeal to me.And yet, I try to go down to Wala's for my monthly fix of music from the Unexpected, which plays rock.Today, as I watched Shirlyn and gang perform at Walas, it suddenly struck me why I began to listen to these rock songs.It's not about the music genre.It's about the delivery of the music. The powerful vocal chords, the running notes of the electric guitar solo, the crisp and fast staccato drum beats, and the synergy between the band members. That was what that made listening to this band so enjoyable. Even IT techies makes such mistakes too. In the middle of a concert on a Saturday night, I received an urgent message from my engineer."After the office power shutdown and start up, one server crashed", he SMSed."Which server?""The database server""Which component failed?""I am not too sure. The server could not boot up, but if I switched the hard disks to another server, it works. The monitor screen is blank""At least the data is still intact. It should be a hardware controller failure. Call DELL and get the hardware replaced. I will be in office at 9am to sort this out".And so here I was in office, on a Sunday morning at 9am, troubleshooting the server with the DELL engineer. And we discovered that the reason why the monitor screen was blank, was because the cable attached to the monitor was disconnected. All those worrying and the sleepless night, because of a disconnected cable.I need a beer Getting high I've finished my fifth pint of beer, and I'm only starting to get a tad bit woozy. After several months of abstaining from alcohol, I thought my alcohol tolerance level would have fallen.Damn. I'm destined to be a poor alcoholic. Top 10 lessons learnt today in Nigeria. 1.Every building has barb wires and at least two security guards.2.It’s common to have power failures and power surges every hour.3.Because of the unreliable power supply, every building has a backup diesel electric generator.4. Your hotel might be a good five minutes walk away from your office, but because of security, you will have to be chauffeured by a driver.5. Because of the chaotic jams, the five minute distance walks takes half an hour by car.6. Pot holes on roads in Nigeria are a dime a dozen. 7. Pot holes are far more efficient than speed bumps.8. Caucasians are not well liked here. Only their money. (Which they believe is theirs anyway.)9. After the English, the Chinese are the largest foreign community in Nigeria.10. Put an Englishman and a Chinese in the streets, and the Englishman would most likely get shot first. Nigeria: Day 1 As the plane touched down in Nigeria, a few things struck me. The city of Lagos is densely packed. From the plane, I can see buildings after buildings built closely to each other. There were an unusually large proportion of Chinese. With Chinese, I mean people coming from the PRC. There was even a Chinese engineer who asked me to help him with the embarkation form, as he could not read/speak English. How he managed to travel surprises me.The airport itself reflects Nigeria as a country. Chaotic. And quick scams to rip you off.At the immigration, there were people that just walked in from the arrival gate to the immigration. They were escorts to pick up their guests, mainly the Chinese.There was only one conveyor belt for the luggage claim. And there were no signs telling you which flight the luggage came from. There were a lot of Nigerians with boxes that are heavily wrapped in plastic. Some of them look suspiciously like gunny sacks. It made the place look more like a trading warehouse than an airport. There were a lot of people heavily wrapping their luggage in plastic cling films. I started to wonder if my checked in luggage is safe from the prying hands of the bag handlers at the airport. And I waited for an hour and a half before my bag finally came through.To use a trolley, you will have to pay an equivalent of US$1. In the airport carpark, trolleys are just dumped into the middle of the road, obstructing cars from going through. There are no lanes indicating which direction the traffic is going to. And horning each other is a norm. Jay crossing across the highway Jaycrossing across the highway is a norm. You can see street vendors hawking their goods along the road. And there are no road signs which indicate where you can overtake, white lines or double yellow lines. There are no one way streets. You just barge your way in. There are a lot of policemen patrolling around. And they are armed with rifles. I used to think that if you can survive driving in KL, you can survive driving anywhere.I was wrong. Compared to the chaos here, KL drivers are like angels.On my way to the office, I spotted the company KPMG. The building was surrounded by high walls, and topped up with barb wires. It even made Changi prison look less of a prison. As we progress through city, I realized that almost every self respecting building would have all these high walls and barb wires. To top it off, all of them would have security guards.The next few days would be interesting. Flight to Nigeria “You are going to Nigeria?,” a colleague asked.“Yes”, I said, shrugging my shoulders.He burst out laughing. “Good luck, my friend”, he said, “better you than me”. And he shook my friend.Later in the day, another colleague came by. “I heard you are going to Nigeria today,” she asked.“Yes, as a matter of fact, my flight leaves at 3.25am”.She, too, burst out laughing and shook my friend. “Take care, and I will pray for your safety,” she said.So to horror land I flew.Changi airportAt 3am, the flight there was fullThe journey there was long, with flights connecting from Singapore to Dubai taking about 7 hours. Dubai must have been a very popular destination, as my flight was completely packed even for a 3.25 am flight. Dubai Airport At Dubai, waited for 3 hours before boarding to Lagos. Overworked Signs that shows you are consumed by work:1. Your mum tells u that you were talking about work in your dreams. "8 servers is enough capacity for 250+ users," I apparently mumbled in the midst of my snores.2. Because of the high print workload in the company, you ordered 8 Canon multifunction printers. Canon upgrades you from an 'SME client' to a 'Major client'. Canon sends a pretty and sexy sales girl to service you. Instead of using the opportunity to chee hong and flirt with the sales girl, the first thing you ask her is if they are going to upgrade their technical support service level and provide free onsite technical support. And then get distracted by her fake eyelash, wondering how long it takes for her to put those fake eyelash on, when she tries to sweet talk you.3. You start to give yourself MSN Nicks like 'Corporate Zookeeper' to reflect the actual you work you do. That's right, I clean up all these animal's shite.4. You MSN your friends, and ask them about ERP implementation in the middle of the night. And you wonder why they go offline five minutes later.5. You think that caller ID is the best invention, because it allows you to filter only important work calls from the redundant work calls.Sighs. I think I need a long nice holiday. Farewell, Mrs Dilnot. Since young, I had a love for music, and the piano.Despite my love for the piano, I hated practicing; and dreaded the daily piano practices.My progress , though on paper looked good, but in reality, it sucked. All I could remember through my piano sessions was just reading up music notes, playing the correct keys, and memorising scales.When I was 13, I migrated to Australia, and met Mrs. Dilnot. Before she taught me, she appraised my standard, and I had to play a few piano pieces for her to hear. After a few phrases, she stopped me, and corrected me on the spot." Your technique and understanding of the music is all wrong," she said, before demonstration how to play the pieces correctly. "And, for you to progress, you will have to start from scratch".And so, from a Grade 5 pianist; I had to start from Grade 1. Re-learning my technique, and all the basic skills. But yet, I enjoyed her lessons. Her explanation of how to read music, instead of just reading notes. How to intrepret musical scores, and why music for each particular era is written the way it was.Here was a teacher, who taught me how to play music, and not notes.Here was a teacher, who took down notes of my mistakes on a notebook for you to bring home to correct.Here was a teacher, who inspired me to practice the piano daily for an hour and a half.Here was a teacher, who insisted that my mum sit in with me for the lessons, so that at home, she could ensure that I practiced correctly.Here was a teacher, who taught me valuable piano techniques, and explained to me why you had to play it that way.Here was a teacher, who made the scales interesting.Here was teacher, with 1 year's tutelage, made such an improvement to my skills, that when I came back from Australia, I was more than qualified to take the Grade 8 exams.Here was teacher, who inspired me.And more importantly, here was a teacher, who taught me how to love the piano.But today, I learnt from my cousins from Australia, that she had passed away several years ago, losing the fight to cancer.And I felt a pang of guilt, sadness and regret.For, I was her favourite student, her star student.For, I had meant to visit her, and tell her, how much her tutelage had shaped my life.And now, that will not happen.Farewell, Mrs Dilnot.May you rest in peace. Henpecked husband. Today, an acquantaince asked me if I mind being a henpecked husband, to which I replied," No, just as I expect the wife not to mind being a cockpecked wife".Sighs. I am getting more corny by the day. Looking back. After a hectic two month work, I finally have some breathing space. It's amazing really, that time flies so fast when you're busy. Without realising it, a year has passed, and looking back, I realised that last year was an eventful year;1. Not only did I achieve last year's resolution of getting a new job, I changed job twice, with significant increments. There were interesting job experiences; climbing up the gangway of an oil tanker from a little boat in the middle of the sea; or boarding cargo ship, and watching the sailors unload their cargo. And with my latest job, realising that foreign talents can be STUPID. Working with other nationalities can be interesting.2. A new found pet girlfriend. Yes, after the New Year's Eve fiasco, she has finally found wrapped her evil claws around me. I tried to escape, but alas, my emotions were not as nimble as it used to be, and I got seduced to the dark side. The force was not with me.3. After 4 + years in the working industry, I have finally turned evil. Yes, schemingly evil, making life difficult for my indian boss. Preventing him for taking credit for my work, and highlighting his stupidity/incompetency/grovelling ways to other colleagues. Though, in the whole scheme of things, I am probably his karma, for making life difficult to other colleagues.If you can't control your boss, control his boss instead.4. I finally joined a salsa performing group. It's a close knit group of salsa enthusiasts who are sincere about the dance. More importantly, they are not vain, power hungry nor do they behave like prima donnas. Plus, my current dance partner, though not pretty, is one of the sexiest dancers around. *grins*. Now, I have to balance between the Lindy Hop Ensemble, the salsa group, work and having a potential visa officer girlfriend. Sighs.5. I have been hanging out regularly with Barflies, the bunch of crazy Thursday Wala Wala regulars. Amongst other things that I have learned, alcohol can turn a nice, soft spoken guy into the Incredible hulk, and transform a petite sweet schoolkid looking girl into a biting machine.6. After two failed attempts at wakeboarding 8 years ago, at a friend's insistence, I picked up wakeboarding again, and, surprise, I could actually get up on my first attempt. This sport is wickedly addictive and Vitamin M intense. For the month of November/December, I burnt a $800 hole in my pocket.There are others which I could not recount. Have been getting forgetful lately, with so many things on my mind. Sighs. It' s almost a year, since I started blogging.Oh, and by the way, Happy nude New Year!To those children out there, collect lots of ang pows.To those bachelor/bachelorettes in their late twenties, have fun evading the "When are you getting a gf" questions.To those attached, have fun evading the "When are you getting married" question.To those married, I wish you luck in mending the hole in your pocket.And to those with huge extended family members that meet only once in a year for CNY, good luck remembering their names, and how they are related to you. I know I have trouble doing that. Guys, remember your long lost cousin faces well, for you do not want to be caught dating them only to find out that they are your cousin. Must keep away your misadventures from your family member, y'know. Meaning of teamwork Courtesy of the dumb Indian IT manager, I have finally understood the meaning of teamwork.Everyone else does the work, whereas he is the team member.Bloody moron don't even know how to set up a computer monitor. A new job ,a new beginning. After accepting another new job, I had been so busy lately, that I had no time for other vices activities; and yes, that includes drinking blogging. It is interesting sometimes, that life could play ironic twists in one's life. Barely two months ago, I complained to my ex-boss of the lack of challenge in my previous job. And now, I am faced with many challenges in my new job; running a circus full of clowns is one of them. Previously, I was paid peanuts (note: not $600,000 per year kind) but now, I am paid my worth;Previously, I worked with capable managers. Now, not only do the person I report to is an absolute IT idiot, but a coward and a moron as well.In this new job, I have finally realised what CIO and CFO stands for:Chief Indian Officer, and Chief Fcuking Officer. Malaysian Embassy "Your passport is expiring only end of this year? You need at least 6 months validity to travel," so said the travel agent, over the phone."But I went to Thailand on the same passport a month ago, and they allowed me through", I answered, nonchalant."This country is different, the corruption is high; you might be able to get there, but might not be able to get back, unless you start parting with your money," he answered.So here I was, in the Malaysian Embassy, waiting for my forms to be processed. Forewarned by my mum about the infamous queue in the Malaysian Embassy, I parked my fat ass in front of the Embassy at 7am. Already, there was like 6 people in front of me, and according to them, the queue is short. During the school holidays, the queue could even start at 4am. Talk about kiasuism.Out of boredom, whilst waiting for the counters to start the form processing, I decided to switch on the notebook to do some reading. And thanks to some unsecured wireless network lying about, I am now able to surf porn surf the net, while waiting for the snails immigration officers to start their work.I so lurve my notebook.postnote: The submission, processing of forms and payment was completed by 8:20am. Which by their standards, is super fast. Guess I must go buy 4D today. Heh. Sexhibitionist. (NSFW) Occasionally, to relieve boredom, friends would shove blog links down my throat pass me blog links .Today's link of the day is Hazel, the exhibitionist.Unlike Sarong Party Girl, who peppers her blog with artistic photos and interesting thoughts (and not just her sexual escapades), Hazel just blogs about her sexperience, and in her latest article, how to give head.Excerpt:"In Hazel's kamasutra guide--heh -- kiddin -- whats most important in giving a bj is to tease-- try not to be fully naked-- try something like sexy lingerie -- lay him down on his back, climb over him, run your nipples over his face -- near the mouth area -- don't let him get too much of it though -- try kissing and sucking all the way down from his neck to HIS nipples, belly button and then the inner thighs area"More boobs galore in the earlier posts.Oh yah, do check out the comments as well, as some of it can be pretty hilarious.I think I will pass this link to my overseas friends who complained to me that Singapore girls are sexually conservative. Victim They looked at each other, with an impish grin. And then they looked at me.I stopped gulping my beer halfway, alarmed.And so, last night, at Charlie's Corner, I was a victim happy recipient of a dare between two barflies.A kiss on the right cheek from a greasy chicken chop stained lips of a barfly.And a quick shy peck on the left sheek by another prominent barfly. Salary Theorem Adapted from an e-mail powerpoint that I received ....The Salary Theorem establishes that engineers and scientists can NEVER EVER earn as much money as businessmen, salesmen, politicians, and actors easily make.This theorem can be demonstrated by reducing it to a simple mathematical equation:The equation rests on two assumptions:Assumption N°1 : Knowledge is PowerAssumption N°2 : Time is MoneyGiven that :Power = Work / Time ......(i)andKnowledge = Power ......(ii)Time = Money .....(iii)By substituting the (i) and (iii) into (ii),Knowledge = Work/MoneyTherefore,Money = work/Knowledge.From the above equation:Knowledge goes towards zero, Money goes towards infinity, regardless of the value attributed to work, even if the value of work is very small.On the contrary, when Knowledge goes towards Infinity, Money goes towards Zero, even if the value of Work is High.In conclusion:The less you know, the more money you definitely make.So, those of you who have had difficulty following this mathematical equation must make a Lot of money! Now get back to work! FCUK So for the first time, I finally met the littlemissdrinkalot. She wore this FCUK that cracked me and maotai up:FabulousCleavageUnderKit Eat the Rich. Once in a while, I will get my grubby hands on a book to read.Recently, Makan Guru passed me a book entitled "Eat the Rich" by P.J. O'Rouke.The book is hilarous, with all it's jibes at economists and political leaders, coupled with it's self depreciating humour.Excerpt:"This is how economics is understood after two semesters at most colleges:1. There are a lot of graphs.2. I'd better memorize them3. Or get last year's test.And this is how economics is understood after three drinks at most bars:1. There are only so many things in the world, and somebody is taking my share.2. All payment for work is underpayment.3. All business is crime. A. Retailers are thieves B. Wholesalers are pimps. C. Manufacturers are slave drivers4. All wealth is the result of criminal conspiracy among A. Jews. B. Japanese. C. Pirates in neckties on Wall Street." Selfishness "Well, thanks for taking care and feeding me this weekend. Come to London, and I will take care of you there, mate," Cousin M said."No problem. Y'know, I extend my friendship to you, much as I extend it to everyone else. And some abuse it. Sometimes, it does not pay to be nice. And some even miscontrue my friendliness as romantic interest," I reflected bitterly."You're like me then, being friendly to everyone, and accomodating everyone. You know what, you gotta be selfish sometimes. After you please everyone else,from friends, to your family, you will feel unhappy. Because you don't do things for yourself," he replied, before continuing "And that is why I am on this trip. This 3 year holiday trip." And it suddenly hit me why I have been feeling so restless lately; That in accomodating others, I have shortchanged myself. That in fulfilling society's expectations, I have shortchanged myself.That in fulfilling my promise on his deathbed, I have shortchanged myself; I suppressed my wanderlust.That in fulfilling my family responsibilities, I have shortchanged myself; I gaveher up.But now, the responsibilities and promise has been fulfilled. Now, it's time to think of what I really wanna do, which is the hardest part, and making that decision to change. Cousin from Australia Met up with long lost cousin from down under during the weekend. It's interesting that even after 15 years of not keeping in contact, we could still hit it off well. From our meeting, I discovered that:1. Maybe the ability to spout crap/nonsense/rubbish is genetic after all. He spews as much nonsense me.2. That I am not so kantang after all. 3. That his thinking, and philosophical beliefs is so similar to mine. Our thinking is radical, and goes against conventional wisdom.4. That we are marriage phobic. Don't ever mention that word to us. It is vulgar.5. That we have very abused livers. Whilst I have stopped killing my liver drinking heavily much earlier, his still goes on.6. That we are both left handed. 7. That both of us would like to travel, and see the world. Whilst he is realising his dream, now, I have yet to see mine materialize. Prayer Lord, please give me the strength to:Forgive the self righteous friend who went ahead to chase her, despite knowing full well that I liked her when I introduced her. Rebuild and maintain my lapsed emotional discipline, and continue to be her intellectual whore very close friend, despite my wanting to cut off the 10 year friendship. Seeing her tear just melts my heart.Thank you, Lord, for:Revealing who my true friends are; Miss Ex Co Lindy Hop instructor turned good friend, thanks for being there, and just listening to me spout rubbish; Tripleperiod, who called and offered a listening ear; and MakanGuru, who offered to buy me a beer. For every dark clouds there are silver linings.Sometimes, people disappoint me so much, I think I'm just gonna get a dog instead.Now, where are the addresses for the dog farms? Tired. These two weeks have been emotional roller coaster ride.Tired, angry, hurt, and I vow, never to trust anyone again. My ex long time drinking buddy that go married has been right after all. You can trust your friends with secrets, money, and any other things, but with girls, you can never trust. As he used to tell me, "Do not introduce any of the girls that you are interested to me. And do not introduce your girlfriend to me either. If you are attached, tell me, and show me who she is, so that I will avoid her, and will not pick her up if I see her anywhere else". Sighs. Brother J, I used to digress and disagree with you on this matter. But you have been right, as usual. You and your many observations, have been right on so many occasions. Time to concentrate on the career switch and the MBA plans that I have been telling you about. Dumb Asses part 1,098,066 Had a call this morning at 5.30am."UMB, my office computer is not working,come down now!", the stupid German growled."Can you tell me what happened?", I asked."I don't know, the computer is not working, the fax is not working, everything is not working, you come down?", he barked."Sure, give me 45 mins, will be down there", I answered.15 minutes later, when I got dressed and called him back, it turned out that he did not turn on the main supply switch. But yet, the e-mail was not working. So, off to the client's office I went."The e-mail's fault lies in the US", I told him after troubleshooting the problem."No, no, it must be something wrong with the office, you go and check your computers thoroughly", he insisted.Nah Beh, I hate it when people doubt ability, especially people more stupid than I am, and know less than me. And so, I had to make a show of calling my tech guys up, and checking up all the IT equipment. In the end, I asked him to call the IT support guys in US to check. Turned out that they had a scheduled server upgrade, and e-mail was supposed to be down for the day. And no one was informed. KNNCCB! Fucking waste of my time. But then again, I get paid to take all this crap. Just so to support my vices.I think I need to change my line of work. Fast, before stupidity overdose kills my remaining brain cells.