Sat, 03 Apr 2010 05:26:40 +0000 the pain is very indescribable. i feel so darn cheated. feel like crying my heart out. feel like slapping him. no prizes for guessing what, but he has told me a lot more lies which i just  discovered today. google search engine is very powerful indeed. he told me he has one son, that his son was the reason he got married. the truth is, he has a daughter and a son. i really hate this part. that means he has been enjoying sex with his wife so much that they decided to have more rounds and bear another child. i know i am selfish and i totally deserve it. what gives me the right to cry since i am the other woman, since i chose to be in this whole damn episode??? i have saved all the photos that his wife posted on friendster. they seemed so loving. fml. i am the dumbest person on earth. at the back of mind, the conversations between us kept flashing in my mind. which part of it is the truth, and which part is a lie? i am god damn confused. i am so messed up. maybe all these will end once if i take the first step. the first step to kill myself. the first step to jump.down. i know everyone will think, wtf, he is totally not worth it. i know. but it just hurts so badly. nobody can understand the kind of pain.  cos nobody would be as dumb as me. i just shot myself in the foot. their family photo is set on my laptop’s desktop now and it feels terrible to look at it. but at least it will remind me not to ever contact him, if i get to live till then. he is now in vietnam for god knows what. maybe he is bringing them along while i wallow in self pity. fml. i am such a slut. worthless suddenly i feel very worthless.. i’ve stayed in my current company for almost six years, and i am still commanding less than $3k every month not inclusive of bonuses. isn’t that pathetic??? i really hate the stuff that i did to my life. about how i started late in pursuing my degree, hence i am still left with one more year to go before i can hop on to bluer horizons and i am already an old hag now at 25 going 26 this year. about how i am always in the wrong relationships and mixing with the wrong kind of people. *screams*  a friend said about taking risks, hopping now. but i thought with the current economy and my pathetic amount of salary, i think my pay is gonna be i have a freaking jealous streak in me. my friend who is retrenched four months ago, got four months of compensation and has recently found a job at a MNC. lucky her. i want a break too. i think my jealous streak scares people. sigh.  i think i am the lowest achiever among my friends.  boo. make that fattest as well. boooo.   i am such a horrible monster. feeling fat, ugly, unwanted, useless, hungry. yucks. horrible emo bitch! if only… he messaged me on sat night, “ok i jian… i admit i do miss you =(“ i melted… we talked over it during the weekends… he suggested that we get together.. so as to help me avoid the ex as well as for us to see if we really suit each other or not. cos everything we do and say now has an emotional attachment to each other. but the catch is this, he can only give me a non-committal relationship as he still can’t forget his ex (he claims he will kill anyone who tries to delete her photos in his pc. this is god damn fucking extreme. he should consider seeing a counsellor or psychiatrist). anyway, he says i am free to look around and dump him if i find someone better. my emotional side tells me i should be with him. but my rational side says no. i am just scared that ultimately i will fall deeper than him. and by then, the ball will be in his court and i’ll lose more than i have now. for now, we are just keeping a distance (not messaging/msning/meeting) until both of us feel more detached emotionally. as fast as the love came, it’s gone as well. if… … if only he had already let his ex go, things between us would be so much simpler. =( What the … *insert expletive* … i am crying now. first time in my life, i was abandoned by a guy. i don’t know if it’s meant to be funny, but i can’t help mocking at myself. why is it when i said i need a listening ear, you take it so seriously? then why is it that you can say you are on the way to hospital, making me so worried that i even called you and then said IT WAS JUST A JOKE? what the hell do you treat me as?! FUNNY MEHHHHHHH?!?!? if you think i am problematic/emotional, don’t see me as a prospective girlfriend, don’t try to be understand about what i’ve been through, then why why why did you freaking reply that one piece of shitty sms that i sent? why the hell do you even bother to come down just because i said i need a listening ear 7 hours ago?!!? didn’t i told you that i will not bug you? *slaps ownself* why am i so 贱, why do i even give a flying fuck?!?! first time in my life did i ever meet a guy who is more short tempered than me. JERK! yaaaaaaa, i am EMO!!! *boohoohoo* what about yourself? the impatience you showed when we talked! the sudden outburst of emotions that always scare me! and abandoning me twice at the park just now when i was crying! great job! well done!!! fucking shove a dildo down your throat, asshole!!! you know what, you’ve totally spoilt everything. i don’t even feel like being with you the slightest bit now! i am emo? i am emo?!?! what about you??! who knows when you gonna leave me behind and walk away just because of one statement that i said or something that i did?!?! why is it that everything you said and do is the right thing while whatever i say is the wrong thing? you got attitude, i don’t have is it?!?! and the ex, please stop pestering me!!! it’s not as if i have not been through enough shit???!!? why do you enjoy making me so hysterical and scream so many times like a mad woman?! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! two big pieces of SHIT hitting the ceiling fan! 他妈的! roller coasters this blog is becoming an outlet for me to vent my anger and frustration. whenever i feel as if i’ve reached my limit, i would think about this blog. maybe it’s time i start coming back here regularly to write about the happenings in my life. okay, so it’s storytime. just more than a month ago, i met this guy through a dating event. i was the one who emailed him to add me into msn. we chatted on msn everyday. sparks flew. a few days later, we met for a movie. i was late. our first movie was benjamin button at downtown east cathay. i cried buckets during the show. we chatted. there was chemistry. there was laughter. it was nice. on the way back, he gave me a bottle of birdnest (due to him using ^&@#$@$# in our msn conversations. i still owe him 10 cups of coffee.) the second date was after he had met up with a friend to fix her hard disk, he called me up for dinner. it was at whitesands foodcourt. many times, i did not make eye contact with him. he realised it too. after that we strolled by the fishing pond, sat at the park and started talking. he mentioned about his female friend, being with a married man, and it was lucky that she did not get pregnant. later on, he mentioned my facial expression seemed weird when we were on that topic. he did not know what i’ve been through. i just cooked up the excuse that i had a strong urge to pee. the third date was when he was at ubi for work, and he decided to drop by bugis to meet me for lunch. we had lunch, then we went to bras brasah to bind my lecture notes. on the way back to my office, he wanted to pass me a box of panadol for flu. i rejected as i told him i do not want to 误会. i am just afraid of falling deeper and deeper. on the supposed fourth date, he came to pasir ris mrt, wanting to give me a surprise. however, the ex came to school to look for me instead. i did not know he waited for me at pasir ris mrt, until the ex sent me home at 1+am. but he had already went back. so on the actual fourth date, we went to watch slumdog millionaire. he was late as he had to make a police report as some loanshark called him up and demanded for payment. i collected the tickets, bought popcorn and waited for him outside the cinema. after the movie, we went to changi village for dinner. and after the dinner, we sat by the beach where we chatted, where i hit him a few times with my plastic water bottle, where he suddenly held my hand, where i jumped when he did that. please don’t make me fall further. that night, we smsed. he asked me if i want to be with him. i rejected as my ex is still pestering me at times. i thought, it’s just not fair to him. on the fifth date, he messaged me and told me to wait for him at the busstop near my house in 15mins. he was walked towards the busstop with 2 cups of bubble tea. it was sweet. we went to the park and chatted again. i wished i had the courage to hug him. on the sixth date, we went to a hotel. we slept together on the same bed. he touched me. i tried to refuse. we ended up having sex. the sex was different. no cuddlings after it was done. i was the one who held his hand and laid on him. it was just different. maybe because i want to be in a relationship with him. we went for lunch and he sent me home. just like in a relationship, yes? the next day, we were surfing friendster and chatting on msn. suddenly he showed me his ex’s profile. and suddenly he told me he thinks that he cannot forget her. i don’t feel good. maybe i am just not good enough. maybe he just wanted a free fuck and now he wants to slip out of it. i feel dumb. i feel regretful. he told me he is not ready. he thought he has already gotten over his ex. but somehow after viewing through her friendster, the memories came flooding back to him. she still resides somewhere within him. what should i do? what can i do? i told him i am so disappointed with him. especially after we have done the deed. in the first place, why did i even agree to go, silly!!! he said he will be responsible. to me, it’s crap. i don’t want responsibility just for the sake of being responsible! i think i’ve lost. terribly. he said he needs time. but when? what if after 3 months, he tells me he still cannot forget his ex, while i’ve already fallen to the point of no return? what if after 6 months, he meets someone new, a girl of his dreams, and he is grateful that i stood by his side? we agreed to carry on from where we left off, excluding the sex. but why is it that our discussions tend to warp towards sexual related stuff? it’s so hard. i am emotional. i am over sensitive. i am… … i just don’t know. the past 3 years… with a married man… with the knowledge that i cannot get any status… it just eats me up. now then i realise, he’s just not the right one for me.  my mind is in a whirlwind now. i wished i didn’t emailed him. i regretted it so much. i just want someone to dote on me, to care about me. how i wish i could just tell my ex about everything that has happened. at least there is someone to be by my side, to fuss over me, to tell me that everything is gonna be ok. yes, i am selfish. i shouldn’t do it. i can’t because the ex will be worried about me. he will come running back to me. he will want to protect me. he will not want to let go. i can’t if i want his family to be happy. i just want to be loved… roller coasters this blog is becoming an outlet for me to vent my anger and frustration. whenever i feel as if i’ve reached my limit, i would think about this blog. maybe it’s time i start coming back here regularly to write about the happenings in my life. okay, so it’s storytime. just more than a month ago, i met this guy through a dating event. i was the one who emailed him to add me into msn. we chatted on msn everyday. sparks flew. a few days later, we met for a movie. i was late. our first movie was benjamin button at downtown east cathay. i cried buckets during the show. we chatted. there was chemistry. there was laughter. it was nice. on the way back, he gave me a bottle of birdnest (due to him using ^&@#$@$# in our msn conversations. i still owe him 10 cups of coffee.) the second date was after he had met up with a friend to fix her hard disk, he called me up for dinner. it was at whitesands foodcourt. many times, i did not make eye contact with him. he realised it too. after that we strolled by the fishing pond, sat at the park and started talking. he mentioned about his female friend, being with a married man, and it was lucky that she did not get pregnant. later on, he mentioned my facial expression seemed weird when we were on that topic. he did not know what i’ve been through. i just cooked up the excuse that i had a strong urge to pee. the third date was when he was at ubi for work, and he decided to drop by bugis to meet me for lunch. we had lunch, then we went to bras brasah to bind my lecture notes. on the way back to my office, he wanted to pass me a box of panadol for flu. i rejected as i told him i do not want to 误会. i am just afraid of falling deeper and deeper. on the supposed fourth date, he came to pasir ris mrt, wanting to give me a surprise. however, the ex came to school to look for me instead. i did not know he waited for me at pasir ris mrt, until the ex sent me home at 1+am. but he had already went back. so on the actual fourth date, we went to watch slumdog millionaire. he was late as he had to make a police report as some loanshark called him up and demanded for payment. i collected the tickets, bought popcorn and waited for him outside the cinema. after the movie, we went to changi village for dinner. and after the dinner, we sat by the beach where we chatted, where i hit him a few times with my plastic water bottle, where he suddenly held my hand, where i jumped when he did that. please don’t make me fall further. that night, we smsed. he asked me if i want to be with him. i rejected as my ex is still pestering me at times. i thought, it’s just not fair to him. on the fifth date, he messaged me and told me to wait for him at the busstop near my house in 15mins. he was walked towards the busstop with 2 cups of bubble tea. it was sweet. we went to the park and chatted again. i wished i had the courage to hug him. on the sixth date, we went to a hotel. we slept together on the same bed. he touched me. i tried to refuse. we ended up having sex. the sex was different. no cuddlings after it was done. i was the one who held his hand and laid on him. it was just different. maybe because i want to be in a relationship with him. we went for lunch and he sent me home. just like in a relationship, yes? the next day, we were surfing friendster and chatting on msn. suddenly he showed me his ex’s profile. and suddenly he told me he thinks that he cannot forget her. i don’t feel good. maybe i am just not good enough. maybe he just wanted a free fuck and now he wants to slip out of it. i feel dumb. i feel regretful. he told me he is not ready. he thought he has already gotten over his ex. but somehow after viewing through her friendster, the memories came flooding back to him. she still resides somewhere within him. what should i do? what can i do? i told him i am so disappointed with him. especially after we have done the deed. in the first place, why did i even agree to go, silly!!! he said he will be responsible. to me, it’s crap. i don’t want responsibility just for the sake of being responsible! i think i’ve lost. terribly. he said he needs time. but when? what if after 3 months, he tells me he still cannot forget his ex, while i’ve already fallen to the point of no return? what if after 6 months, he meets someone new, a girl of his dreams, and he is grateful that i stood by his side? we agreed to carry on from where we left off, excluding the sex. but why is it that our discussions tend to warp towards sexual related stuff? it’s so hard. i am emotional. i am over sensitive. i am… … i just don’t know. the past 3 years… with a married man… with the knowledge that i cannot get any status… it just eats me up. now then i realise, he’s just not the right one for me.  my mind is in a whirlwind now. i wished i didn’t emailed him. i regretted it so much. i just want someone to dote on me, to care about me. how i wish i could just tell my ex about everything that has happened. at least there is someone to be by my side, to fuss over me, to tell me that everything is gonna be ok. yes, i am selfish. i shouldn’t do it. i can’t because the ex will be worried about me. he will come running back to me. he will want to protect me. he will not want to let go. i can’t if i want his family to be happy. all i ask is just to be loved… *leans over to grab that cup of mcflurry and cheese fries* sighhhhh untitled why do i feel that sex always exists in my relationships with others? uhmmm, not always but uhmm… it’s like happening to a couple of my relationships/friendships with other guys… uhhh no… this is not turning into a sex blog cos i am too shy for that lol… uhmmmmm, so why is the adult world so complex??? complex in the sense that why do people yearn to get intimate with one another? and if there is too much sex going on, the girl will start wondering if the guy truly loves her or he just wants her for sex. we always see little girls wearing teeny weeny skirts with their diapers showing and we think of that as cute. but if a girl were to wear a tube dress or a short skirt, that is seen as revealing. and why do guys’ thoughts always steer the wrong way? when a girl sees another pretty girl, she would think that the girl is pretty… but if a guy sees a pretty girl, he would most imagine how she would be, lying naked in bed… some people just like to crack dirty jokes…. being around them makes me watch EVERY word that i say. for example, if i said 你的头! most of the time, their reply would be 哪一个头?? is it because i always mix with the wrong people? then again, can’t be, cos people use sex to climb the corporate ladder, get sugar daddies to buy them pradas & lvs… speaking of which, i just got to know an uncle who is of sugar daddy material… hmmmm it’s quite therapeutic to go dragonfly on a wednesday night, sitting there doing nothing except chatting, drinking and listening to the live band… but of course, nothing is going on between me & the uncle… gosh… it’s kinda scaring me to know that i have so many things to do but so little time. i need to really start sitting in front of the desk to do my revisions for the upcoming exams (a classmate took 2 months no pay leave just to study !!!!!!!!!), i need to get my license this year, hook that cute guy in school, get a sugar daddy, shop for more dresses, pass my exams, get a new job and oh yah, i wanna get a wii! but first, i need to get my ass off and go home. byeee! =) untitled why do i feel that sex always exists in my relationships with others? uhmmm, not always but uhmm… it’s like happening to a couple of my relationships/friendships with other guys… uhhh no… this is not turning into a sex blog cos i am too shy for that lol… uhmmmmm, so why is the adult world so complex??? complex in the sense that why do people yearn to get intimate with one another? and if there is too much sex going on, the girl will start wondering if the guy truly loves her or he just wants her for sex. we always see little girls wearing teeny weeny skirts with their diapers showing and we think of that as cute. but if a girl were to wear a tube dress or a short skirt, that is seen as revealing. and why do guys’ thoughts always steer the wrong way? when a girl sees another pretty girl, she would think that the girl is pretty… but if a guy sees a pretty girl, he would most imagine how she would be, lying naked in bed… some people just like to crack dirty jokes…. being around them makes me watch EVERY word that i say. for example, if i said 你的头! most of the time, their reply would be 哪一个头?? is it because i always mix with the wrong people? then again, can’t be, cos people use sex to climb the corporate ladder, get sugar daddies to buy them pradas & lvs… speaking of which, i just got to know an uncle who is of sugar daddy material… hmmmm it’s quite therapeutic to go dragonfly on a wednesday night, sitting there doing nothing except chatting, drinking and listening to the live band… but of course, nothing is going on between me & the uncle… gosh… it’s kinda scaring me to know that i have so many things to do but so little time. i need to really start sitting in front of the desk to do my revisions for the upcoming exams (a classmate took 2 months no pay leave just to study !!!!!!!!!), i need to get my license this year, hook that cute guy in school, get a sugar daddy, shop for more dresses, pass my exams, get a new job and oh yah, i wanna get a wii! but first, i need to get my ass off and go home. byeee! =) The SBS Bus… i have been thinking abt weird analogies… let’s say one day, you are planning to go orchard road for some shopping, and you saw a SBS bus approaching the bus stop (at tampines for example) and you board it… at PIE, the extreme hot weather suddenly turns cloudy and begins to rain heavily… you are thankful that you are in the bus and protected from the storm… however, after travelling for 1hr +, you realised that the bus is nowhere near orchard and the surroundings don’t seem the least bit familiar to you (but the bus is still in SG though), would you   1) press the bell and alight at the next stop, or 2) continue to travel in the bus until you see that you are at a place that somehow seems a little familiar and you kind of know how to go to orchard from there or alight when you see a MRT track/station, or 3) just forget abt going to orchard road, and continue the ride and treat it as a discovery tour around SG although you don’t even know where the bus is gonna bring you to ultimately.   the bus is the man… not all buses that come along can bring you to your destination (not all guys can give you what you want). the extreme weather is the unhappiness and setbacks that you may face in life. you are thankful to the bus for sheltering you from the rain and providing air-condition when it’s freaking hot (a guy providing you a shoulder to cry on, for being there when you need him)… but after being in the rship for sometime, you realised that this man has different objectives in life, may be that he doesn’t want to get married and have kids, may be that he is bad tempered and extremely controlling, or that he is a really nice guy, but both of you just can’t click and agree on certain things…  when you realise that the bus is not going to orchard road (the rship is not gonna work out ultimately), are you gonna continue the ride?   1st choice is “No, alight first, riding in the wrong bus is a waste of time (end the relationship immediately, there is no point if it’s not gonna work out).” 2nd choice, “Hmm, i will alight if when the bus is at somewhere that i have been before. Or if the bus passes by a MRT track or MRT station (i will still be with the current guy, until i meet a new guy who has what i want, then i will dump the current one and be with the new one!).” 3rd choice, “waaaahh i have never been to this place before, the scenary is quite nice hor… aiyah, tomorrow then go orchard lah (i am happy being with him, so let’s enjoy the happy moments while it lasts, i will find a more suitable one after we end this rship)!” The SBS Bus… i have been thinking abt weird analogies… let’s say one day, you are planning to go orchard road for some shopping, and you saw a SBS bus approaching the bus stop (at tampines for example) and you board it… at PIE, the extreme hot weather suddenly turns cloudy and begins to rain heavily… you are thankful that you are in the bus and protected from the storm… however, after travelling for 1hr +, you realised that the bus is nowhere near orchard and the surroundings don’t seem the least bit familiar to you (but the bus is still in SG though), would you   1) press the bell and alight at the next stop, or 2) continue to travel in the bus until you see that you are at a place that somehow seems a little familiar and you kind of know how to go to orchard from there or alight when you see a MRT track/station, or 3) just forget abt going to orchard road, and continue the ride and treat it as a discovery tour around SG although you don’t even know where the bus is gonna bring you to ultimately.   the bus is the man… not all buses that come along can bring you to your destination (not all guys can give you what you want). the extreme weather is the unhappiness and setbacks that you may face in life. you are thankful to the bus for sheltering you from the rain and providing air-condition when it’s freaking hot (a guy providing you a shoulder to cry on, for being there when you need him)… but after being in the rship for sometime, you realised that this man has different objectives in life, may be that he doesn’t want to get married and have kids, may be that he is bad tempered and extremely controlling, or that he is a really nice guy, but both of you just can’t click and agree on certain things…  when you realise that the bus is not going to orchard road (the rship is not gonna work out ultimately), are you gonna continue the ride?   1st choice is “No, alight first, riding in the wrong bus is a waste of time (end the relationship immediately, there is no point if it’s not gonna work out).” 2nd choice, “Hmm, i will alight if when the bus is at somewhere that i have been before. Or if the bus passes by a MRT track or MRT station (i will still be with the current guy, until i meet a new guy who has what i want, then i will dump the current one and be with the new one!).” 3rd choice, “waaaahh i have never been to this place before, the scenary is quite nice hor… aiyah, tomorrow then go orchard lah (i am happy being with him, so let’s enjoy the happy moments while it lasts, i will find a more suitable one after we end this rship)!” have you ever taken drugs??? something like ecstasy, or heroin or sniffing glue… how does it feel like? the thought of taking drugs and the “might be” consequences worries you? what if i get addicted? what if i get caught? what if they do something damaging to my body? i remembered i once told him that he is like an addiction. as much as i know it’s wrong, but it’s hard to get out of it. like drugs, once you start, it’s hard to quit. despite knowing the damaging effects that they do to your body, despite knowing the severe consequences if you are caught. *************************************************** WARNING: START OF EMOTIONAL BORING SHIT i am suffering from the withdrawal symptoms now… a firm “No” isn’t going to solve the issue. bcos sometimes, i am the one who wants to go back.. even if it means sharing him with another woman, even if there is much lesser attention than before, even if it means constant anger, sadness and disappointments, even if this relationship is not going to work out in the long run, even if it’s a immoral thing to get involved with a married man, even if i have to put up with names like “slut” or ”whore”, even if it means sending lots of smses without a single reply from him, even if it means having to cry myself to sleep every night. all i want is attention and TLC… even though the TLC is temporary, may or may not be real, as in heartfelt and from the bottom of his heart, but it’s enough to keep me happy, just like the high drug addicts get after consuming drugs. i feel like smsing him again… i really miss him… END OF EMOTIONAL BORING SHIT *************************************************** my classes have started, but i am only taking one subject now. there are lots of guys in my lecture group, but almost everyone sits right next to their bags. i don’t understand. is the bag so holy that it deserves to have a seat? and i find it hard to penetrate and talk to ANY one of my lecture mates. it’s sad. i am sad. *shrugs* i think the problem lies with me, maybe i am too anti-social, maybe becos i am too pretty and the guys are intimidated. i mean it’s hard to talk to people who are in groups, it’s like there is an invisible energy ring around the group, and anyone who tries to go near, gets ZAP ZAP ZAP, and bye bye. and it’s hard to talk to people who are by themselves, especially guys…. cos euuuuu boys are smelly it seems like i am trying to pick them up. then again, guys should take initiative what!!! ALL of them SHOULD come and talk to me. hahahaha. okie, i should stop my freak mentality and just go and talk to the girl next to me!!! hmmm, but then i already know her… sigh, she is the only friend i have made in SIM… SIGH! ok, i should just go and talk to people, anyone… like the cleaning lady and the guy who provides refreshments to all the lecture halls… btw, i am pissed abt those morons who talk in class… i mean, it’s ok to have conversations, but hello?? we do not pay money to listen to your conversations!!! if you wanna talk, at least have the decency to whisper. the lecture hall is not made up of you and your friend(s) only! ta ma de!!! seriously, i must go to school early one day, write a note and paste on their usual seats! selfish low EQ idiots! especially this two girls who always talk and laugh in class!!! nabeh. oh yah, and i am thinking of job hopping… my current salary sucks… sigh, i need more money for online shopping… basically, it’s the thing that keeps me alive everyday, buying pretty clothes, wearing pretty clothes. at home, i am always in my room with the door shut = no family life. at work, the pay that i get does not motivate me and it’s the same old monotonous shit everyday. sometimes, i am even damn scared to go to work, cos it means seeing the same thing, doing the same thing, facing the same problems. even a boring game like solitaire excites me more than my work = lousy work life. my relationship??? SIGH! = no love life. therefore the conclusion is that i have no life. online shopping is like giving me life (???) it’s a nice feeling to see pretty clothes online, buy them and wear them. okie, i am done with the things that i wanna say. byeeee! have you ever taken drugs??? something like ecstasy, or heroin or sniffing glue… how does it feel like? the thought of taking drugs and the “might be” consequences worries you? what if i get addicted? what if i get caught? what if they do something damaging to my body? i remembered i once told him that he is like an addiction. as much as i know it’s wrong, but it’s hard to get out of it. like drugs, once you start, it’s hard to quit. despite knowing the damaging effects that they do to your body, despite knowing the severe consequences if you are caught. *************************************************** WARNING: START OF EMOTIONAL BORING SHIT i am suffering from the withdrawal symptoms now… a firm “No” isn’t going to solve the issue. bcos sometimes, i am the one who wants to go back.. even if it means sharing him with another woman, even if there is much lesser attention than before, even if it means constant anger, sadness and disappointments, even if this relationship is not going to work out in the long run, even if it’s a immoral thing to get involved with a married man, even if i have to put up with names like “slut” or ”whore”, even if it means sending lots of smses without a single reply from him, even if it means having to cry myself to sleep every night. all i want is attention and TLC… even though the TLC is temporary, may or may not be real, as in heartfelt and from the bottom of his heart, but it’s enough to keep me happy, just like the high drug addicts get after consuming drugs. i feel like smsing him again… i really miss him… END OF EMOTIONAL BORING SHIT *************************************************** my classes have started, but i am only taking one subject now. there are lots of guys in my lecture group, but almost everyone sits right next to their bags. i don’t understand. is the bag so holy that it deserves to have a seat? and i find it hard to penetrate and talk to ANY one of my lecture mates. it’s sad. i am sad. *shrugs* i think the problem lies with me, maybe i am too anti-social, maybe becos i am too pretty and the guys are intimidated. i mean it’s hard to talk to people who are in groups, it’s like there is an invisible energy ring around the group, and anyone who tries to go near, gets ZAP ZAP ZAP, and bye bye. and it’s hard to talk to people who are by themselves, especially guys…. cos euuuuu boys are smelly it seems like i am trying to pick them up. then again, guys should take initiative what!!! ALL of them SHOULD come and talk to me. hahahaha. okie, i should stop my freak mentality and just go and talk to the girl next to me!!! hmmm, but then i already know her… sigh, she is the only friend i have made in SIM… SIGH! ok, i should just go and talk to people, anyone… like the cleaning lady and the guy who provides refreshments to all the lecture halls… btw, i am pissed abt those morons who talk in class… i mean, it’s ok to have conversations, but hello?? we do not pay money to listen to your conversations!!! if you wanna talk, at least have the decency to whisper. the lecture hall is not made up of you and your friend(s) only! ta ma de!!! seriously, i must go to school early one day, write a note and paste on their usual seats! selfish low EQ idiots! especially this two girls who always talk and laugh in class!!! nabeh. oh yah, and i am thinking of job hopping… my current salary sucks… sigh, i need more money for online shopping… basically, it’s the thing that keeps me alive everyday, buying pretty clothes, wearing pretty clothes. at home, i am always in my room with the door shut = no family life. at work, the pay that i get does not motivate me and it’s the same old monotonous shit everyday. sometimes, i am even damn scared to go to work, cos it means seeing the same thing, doing the same thing, facing the same problems. even a boring game like solitaire excites me more than my work = lousy work life. my relationship??? SIGH! = no love life. therefore the conclusion is that i have no life. online shopping is like giving me life (???) it’s a nice feeling to see pretty clothes online, buy them and wear them. okie, i am done with the things that i wanna say. byeeee! i am very sad… seriously very sad… pardon me cos nowadays when i write my posts, i can’t seem to find my humour back anymore… i don’t understand why do i have to be the one to suffer all these heartbreaks… people have been telling me that i deserve it. and that i should just move on. they made it sound like it’s as easy as saying 1, 2, 3… but i am still struggling here, still struggling with this relationship. how can i forget someone who has been with me for 1.5 years? how can i give up a relationship that i spent so much time nurturing? how can i hate someone whom my heart has been given to? seriously, i hate all couples now, and i wish that i can slay them with a samurai sword or something… hate it when they are so lovey dovey… ARGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *screams and pulls out hair* i am sick of being twirled round his finger like some kind of toy. i am sick of myself, why can’t i just pack up all my sorrows, throw them out of the window and get on with life? i am such a freaking weakling! who has not suffer from heartbreaks? why must i make it sound like it’s the end of the world and that i am dying from it? God, after all the suffering i have been through, please kindly send me a man, who is tall, goodlooking, rich, mature, kind, loves me a lot, loyal, generous, has good bedroom skills, and is single and not gay. Latest by end of this week, ok? I love you God, and i promise move my freaking ass to church soon! But first, you must give me my miracle. Amen. i am very sad… seriously very sad… pardon me cos nowadays when i write my posts, i can’t seem to find my humour back anymore… i don’t understand why do i have to be the one to suffer all these heartbreaks… people have been telling me that i deserve it. and that i should just move on. they made it sound like it’s as easy as saying 1, 2, 3… but i am still struggling here, still struggling with this relationship. how can i forget someone who has been with me for 1.5 years? how can i give up a relationship that i spent so much time nurturing? how can i hate someone whom my heart has been given to? seriously, i hate all couples now, and i wish that i can slay them with a samurai sword or something… hate it when they are so lovey dovey… ARGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *screams and pulls out hair* i am sick of being twirled round his finger like some kind of toy. i am sick of myself, why can’t i just pack up all my sorrows, throw them out of the window and get on with life? i am such a freaking weakling! who has not suffer from heartbreaks? why must i make it sound like it’s the end of the world and that i am dying from it? God, after all the suffering i have been through, please kindly send me a man, who is tall, goodlooking, rich, mature, kind, loves me a lot, loyal, generous, has good bedroom skills, and is single and not gay. Latest by end of this week, ok? I love you God, and i promise move my freaking ass to church soon! But first, you must give me my miracle. Amen. Protected: I should know that this day will come This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password: Protected: I should know that this day will come This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password: on a friday night like this… i am at home… like seriously wtf… a nubile, young pretty fun loving and sociable *cough* girl like me, is at home on a supposed happening friday night… how can???? what’s worse is when i realise none of my friends are online and …. i have a super fucking big pimple on my nose… no wonder nobody wants to date me out… and some stupid bastard said that sometimes my short skirts make him mari kita in the morning…. fuck!!!! must burn all short skirts and start wearing loose skirts that can sweep the floor… chao neh neh… totally ruined my friday.. %^^&@$##@$@#$@#$%^&%^&@#$!@#@$^^& on a friday night like this… i am at home… like seriously wtf… a nubile, young pretty fun loving and sociable *cough* girl like me, is at home on a supposed happening friday night… how can???? what’s worse is when i realise none of my friends are online and …. i have a super fucking big pimple on my nose… no wonder nobody wants to date me out… and some stupid bastard said that sometimes my short skirts make him mari kita in the morning…. fuck!!!! must burn all short skirts and start wearing loose skirts that can sweep the floor… chao neh neh… totally ruined my friday.. %^^&@$##@$@#$@#$%^&%^&@#$!@#@$^^& it just feels weird… to be taking one day leave, shop for discs and pretend to be chilling out at some place, when the main agenda is to uhmmmm, fuck… even though i may have some liking towards this guy, but it just feels so weird. i prefer things to happen without planning. like maybe go fly a kite, or catch a movie… if we do end up having sex, uhm, well, it’s a bonus. but the main motive should never be sex lah… it just feels weird… to be taking one day leave, shop for discs and pretend to be chilling out at some place, when the main agenda is to uhmmmm, fuck… even though i may have some liking towards this guy, but it just feels so weird. i prefer things to happen without planning. like maybe go fly a kite, or catch a movie… if we do end up having sex, uhm, well, it’s a bonus. but the main motive should never be sex lah… i know this is very silly of me but i have decided to give this relationship another try. uhhm yah… this i tell myself, will be the final one time. after this try, if things do not work out, i will just go find another one concentrate on other things in life… why are you so silly? yes, the boyfriend may not have looks, money, and don’t really dresses well, and most importantly he is married… but love is the strangest thing…. nobody can tell me what to do or what not to do, because they are not me, they are not in this relationship. i trust my instinct, even if …… uhmm, i failed to sense that he is married (actually i did, just that he always brush off my confrontations), but anyway, this time round, my instinct told me to just give it one final shot and slap anyone who tries to persuade me otherwise….. yes… we beings from other planets has only one flaw, that is we always act in the most illogical way possible…. anyway, what i want to say is i am still in this relationship because i feel that currently, he loves me more than his wife… and his wife and him already had talks about divorce before… and he also said that his wife does not treat him well… i have no wish of breaking up someone’s family… i am putting myself in a big risk as well, what if after 1 or 2 years, he still hasn’t divorce his wife? what if he actually loves his wife more than me? what if he cannot bear to leave his boy? what if his boy hates me to the core? i know i am selfish, but i hope that he doesn’t fight for the custody of his son. me being 23+++ years old, is still too young to be someone else’s stepmother. actually i am equally lost myself. what if after his divorce i managed to find someone better? i won’t deny the fact that while being with him, i am still keeping my options open, after all, he was the one who created all this mess. that being said, i think i am like shit, you know, those soft soft kind… i will not hold my stand whenever he persuades me to stay. kns… …. AHA! that’s why i have a backup plan. i have this new mobile phone line which i just signed up, and it will be activated at the end of may. i have already decided not to give him this number, if our relationship ends before that. in this way, he will never be able to contact me! but seriously, the one thing i hate is when he can’t spend much time with me, cos he has to go back and report to his wife. sigh.  but anyway, my new phone is so god damn fucking chio!!! i know this is very silly of me but i have decided to give this relationship another try. uhhm yah… this i tell myself, will be the final one time. after this try, if things do not work out, i will just go find another one concentrate on other things in life… why are you so silly? yes, the boyfriend may not have looks, money, and don’t really dresses well, and most importantly he is married… but love is the strangest thing…. nobody can tell me what to do or what not to do, because they are not me, they are not in this relationship. i trust my instinct, even if …… uhmm, i failed to sense that he is married (actually i did, just that he always brush off my confrontations), but anyway, this time round, my instinct told me to just give it one final shot and slap anyone who tries to persuade me otherwise….. yes… we beings from other planets has only one flaw, that is we always act in the most illogical way possible…. anyway, what i want to say is i am still in this relationship because i feel that currently, he loves me more than his wife… and his wife and him already had talks about divorce before… and he also said that his wife does not treat him well… i have no wish of breaking up someone’s family… i am putting myself in a big risk as well, what if after 1 or 2 years, he still hasn’t divorce his wife? what if he actually loves his wife more than me? what if he cannot bear to leave his boy? what if his boy hates me to the core? i know i am selfish, but i hope that he doesn’t fight for the custody of his son. me being 23+++ years old, is still too young to be someone else’s stepmother. actually i am equally lost myself. what if after his divorce i managed to find someone better? i won’t deny the fact that while being with him, i am still keeping my options open, after all, he was the one who created all this mess. that being said, i think i am like shit, you know, those soft soft kind… i will not hold my stand whenever he persuades me to stay. kns… …. AHA! that’s why i have a backup plan. i have this new mobile phone line which i just signed up, and it will be activated at the end of may. i have already decided not to give him this number, if our relationship ends before that. in this way, he will never be able to contact me! but seriously, the one thing i hate is when he can’t spend much time with me, cos he has to go back and report to his wife. sigh.  but anyway, my new phone is so god damn fucking chio!!! Never in my life have i felt so helpless before… seriously, i don’t think i will ever trust men again. those that i gave my trust to, they end up hurting me, hurting me in ways that i never thought possible. the boyfriend says he loves me and he wants to be with me. and i can actually read these smses over and over again. but it utterly breaks my heart to know that at the end of the day, he avoids my calls, my smses and goes home to the other woman wife. if he really loves me, then why is he doing this to me? i really despise myself, i think i am such a failure in love. i always tell my friends that guys are aplenty and us, girls should just drop them if they break our hearts or fail to meet our expectations. but when i am faced with such an absurd situation (that the boyfriend is married for 3 years and has a kid) i still weave hopes of him telling me that everything he said was a silly prank on me, or that he whips out the separation letter with signatures on it, right before my very eyes. he said that he is gonna get a divorce, “gonna get” is the keyword here, but what i hear is “get a divorce”, happily adding a “now” or “soon” behind his statement. seriously, if he is sincere about being with me, he would have done the divorce months ago.  i cannot stand my silliness, because i actually told him that i will give him one final chance if he separates with his wife. i know that i should actually just bang my head against the nearest wall because friends have been telling me to just cut off all contacts with him, because the issue here is that he has been cheating me for more than a year. someone told me that if the boyfriend really wants to get a divorce, it won’t be because of anyone but himself and that chances of divorcing are slim because he has a kid. all these i know, but i just wish to go back to the past, to believe in his lies, to pretend as if nothing has ever happened, to go shopping at NTUC with him, to think about how i would be as a wife, about how sweet it is to wake up each morning, side by side and stink the hell out of each other with our morning breath, about how he praise the dishes that i have cooked… all those promises about him bringing me home, about him divorcing his wife, about him not fighting for the child’s custody, about being happily married to me in future. all of these, suddenly just turned into dust and vanished into thin air. my life is in such a mess right now, that i wish i could just die… then i won’t cause any divorce, my dad won’t go out to fool around again, i won’t have to be in debt to buy a new handphone, i won’t have to pay for the hideous amount of school fees that i will be chalking up, i won’t suffer from any more heart breaks. but sadly, i also realise that death requires courage. and this pathetic soul here has none at all… it would be good, if i could just rip out my heart, so that i won’t be ruled by it, so that no one gets to hurt it…. i just want to be in denial…… Never in my life have i felt so helpless before… seriously, i don’t think i will ever trust men again. those that i gave my trust to, they end up hurting me, hurting me in ways that i never thought possible. the boyfriend says he loves me and he wants to be with me. and i can actually read these smses over and over again. but it utterly breaks my heart to know that at the end of the day, he avoids my calls, my smses and goes home to the other woman wife. if he really loves me, then why is he doing this to me? i really despise myself, i think i am such a failure in love. i always tell my friends that guys are aplenty and us, girls should just drop them if they break our hearts or fail to meet our expectations. but when i am faced with such an absurd situation (that the boyfriend is married for 3 years and has a kid) i still weave hopes of him telling me that everything he said was a silly prank on me, or that he whips out the separation letter with signatures on it, right before my very eyes. he said that he is gonna get a divorce, “gonna get” is the keyword here, but what i hear is “get a divorce”, happily adding a “now” or “soon” behind his statement. seriously, if he is sincere about being with me, he would have done the divorce months ago.  i cannot stand my silliness, because i actually told him that i will give him one final chance if he separates with his wife. i know that i should actually just bang my head against the nearest wall because friends have been telling me to just cut off all contacts with him, because the issue here is that he has been cheating me for more than a year. someone told me that if the boyfriend really wants to get a divorce, it won’t be because of anyone but himself and that chances of divorcing are slim because he has a kid. all these i know, but i just wish to go back to the past, to believe in his lies, to pretend as if nothing has ever happened, to go shopping at NTUC with him, to think about how i would be as a wife, about how sweet it is to wake up each morning, side by side and stink the hell out of each other with our morning breath, about how he praise the dishes that i have cooked… all those promises about him bringing me home, about him divorcing his wife, about him not fighting for the child’s custody, about being happily married to me in future. all of these, suddenly just turned into dust and vanished into thin air. my life is in such a mess right now, that i wish i could just die… then i won’t cause any divorce, my dad won’t go out to fool around again, i won’t have to be in debt to buy a new handphone, i won’t have to pay for the hideous amount of school fees that i will be chalking up, i won’t suffer from any more heart breaks. but sadly, i also realise that death requires courage. and this pathetic soul here has none at all… it would be good, if i could just rip out my heart, so that i won’t be ruled by it, so that no one gets to hurt it…. i just want to be in denial…… heartache is when u thought you have found the right man (the boyfriend), but only later to know that he is married and has a kid…      maybe i am only destined to be with married men… Another post oh yah, and just now, when i was walking towards bugis junction’s foodcourt for lunch, i saw an old man digging for something in his pants… at first i thought he was digging for money cos he was standing in front of a bubble tea shop… later on i realised that he was digging in a weird direction, his hand was digging at the front part of his pants… nin nah leh! he was actually touching/scratching/adjusting his ahem!!! i am so traumatised… i wonder if i can apply for 2 days mc??? It’s been a long time since i updated.  my life has been… well… interestingly interesting… first of all, i am going to start school soon… well, in july… if the cheque clears… because i just sent in via registered mail last wednesday during lunch time… urmm, well that’s not important.. anyway, i hope that i can make it, make it in the sense that i can cope with my studies and work at the same time (oh, it’s a part time course at SIM)… uhmm, yah, what’s the next thing that i wanna say?? oh, i have been wanting to rant, at how i think human relationships are a pain in the ass… urmm, well the case is like this… boy meets girl at club, boy asks girl for contact, boy and girl goes out for a coffee session (what kind of first date is that?!?!), girl is interested in boy but unsure about how boy feels, boy and many girls goes for another clubbing session, boy asks for another girl’s contact, girl is terribly disappointed in boy, boy asks girl to go clubbing, boy’s friend told girl that boy is going to get married next mth, girl who has already had her hopes dashed previously, decides to give up completely and just treat boy as a friend and acknowledging the fact that he is a flirt, then boy reveals that right from the start, he actually took a liking to girl. i know that when you read the story, the jerk/bastard/asshole alert will go off in your head right? actually i felt the same while typing out this story. so chao neh neh right? sad to say i am the girl and this is happening to me. Gawd, suddenly i feel like i am the world’s greatest loser!!! But when we were together, the chemistry and the conversations that we had, are just sooo… uhmm, aiyah, it’s hard to explain… it would be perfect if boy’s wife didn’t exists, then again, nothing in this world is perfect… sigh, then why am i so perfect?! then again, i don’t belong to Earth, so uhmm, yah. suddenly i feel like giving myself one tight slap across my face. i mean, ehh, i have a boyfriend, although abit short, abit stingy, abit mummy’s boy, abit uncle-rish (so ironic)… but he still gives in to MOST of my whims and fancies, and TRIES not to make me angry, although not very successful. but at the very least, he is not married. but when i remember the way that boy, K, hugged me last friday, it just tugs at my heart strings. I still keep some of our silly little smses and it warms my heart to read them over and over again. but maybe to K, i am just another woman, someone to keep him entertained when he is bored, but i would wish to hear this right out of his mouth, so that i will so disappointed and get out of this silly, meaningless relationship. but of course, who would be so silly to burn his own bridge right? maybe i should just try to annoy him and piss him off so terribly, so that he will say mean things to me, then i can just get out of this uhmmm… shit. you may wonder, walao eh, why this woman got so much time to have two men in her life??? eeeh, seriously i think i still can accomodate 1 or 2 more men… (whoops, i sound like a whore) what i mean is, the boyfriend is like so busy studying for his exams and being a mummy boy, and the fling married man is, well…. seriously, i don’t really dare to contact him that much, if his wife sees our smses, then i am gonna be so roasted… it sucks right? i mean, i really have so much free time that i don’t even need to lie to go out with another man. which is actually kind of sad lah… =( *suddenly i saw the many demands for an update… scary…* anyway, it’s stupid lah. i mean life is… (dun worry, i am not going to commit suicide, there is no need to give me huggies too, hahaha, cos at least i think that my life is not the worst.) anyway, life is stupid because soooo many times i have tried to avoid married men, in the end, i still get into this kind of shit. “Just walk away (from the relationship) lah.” Ehhh, it’s not so easy ok??? Maybe it is that easy, but i just, well uhmm, don’t want, can??? Anyway, nowadays, i have been thinking (doesn’t mean that previously i don’t think), married??? like … so what??? i have been thinking this way, not because i have already set up evil plans to wreck someone’s marriage, but because of my parents’ marriage. you know, like i used to think that i really envy the marriages of the older generation, because they will stick with each other even though they can’t stand one another’s temper, or the husband’s really poor and a good-for-nothing or the wife’s terribly sick or something like that… i mean, i used to think that my parents were like that, but no, because my dad is one hell of a #$%#$ who is fucking itchy down there. because once i went to snoop on his phone and saw some disgusting messages from an overseas number. after i told my siblings and after we confronted the lao ti koh, he admitted to it. anyway, we forced asked him to leave the PRC slut, or else we will tell our mum. anyway, i really pity my mum… cos everytime when we questioned her about that lao ti koh, like why sometimes, he only gives her $30 instead of the usual $50, she will always defend him… fuck right? (ok lah, i am not angry now, cos this issue is already over and if the lao ti koh can do such a thing, he should be aware of the consequences) i mean, i still call him dad, but it has made me skeptical about getting married. cos we used to think that he would NEVER do such a thing as he is super pantang (superstitious) and once he said that a fortune teller told him to be wary of women etc and he has been taking high blood pressure medicine, which my sis said that the medicine will make his thing not stand (yikes, disgusting to think about it, but anyway, i don’t know how true is it lah.) and previously (a couple of months back) he has been taking bu yao jing (some tonic to strengthen the waist lah)… yucks. that time i should have pour some detergent into it. chao neh neh. last time i still thought that my parent’s marriage was a model marriage, but pui! i told the boyfriend that if he ever did such a thing AFTER MARRIAGE (cannot say now, cos i am the one who is in the wrong now), i would definitely snipe off his tool. (oh yah, recently the boyfriend found out that his dad is also like that. then the boyfriend’s old man still can say that it’s feng chang zuo xi. nin nah leh.) anyway, i concluded that i hate PRCs, i don’t care if it’s unreasonable of me, but uhm, yah, i just hate PRCs. I mean why the hell do you wanna create havoc in someone else’s marriage (oops, sounds like me), ok, what i mean is, their purpose is only for money, correct me if i am wrong, but i am always right, so uhmm… yah… i mean look at the tons of articles about those men whose CPF money was cheated by the PRCs. those stupid old men deserves to be cheated! so old already still so ti koh! if the lao ti koh at home really wants to go gallivanting with the PRC slut, fine, but he better leave all his money to my mum! oh yah, and one more thing, i am super duper broke nowadays. freaking school fees, and laptop… sigh, how can i make more money huh? why can’t money just drop from the sky huh? i still have like 61982 other clothes to buy… neh neh… arhhhh! it is killing me because i am suspecting something and if this thing that i am suspecting is real, it is gonna cause a lot of problems… God… please let it be my mistake this time… =( damn, i just feel so much like crying now… why do everything just seem to go wrong for me?? nowadays everywhere also very dangerous lor… i think i will never dare to go jb alone… so scary… bahhh… i think i may have to get a part time job or something. the temptations of the web is soooooo muthafooking huge cos my latest hobby is online shopping… why is it that girls have to buy so many things??? u see, if a girl wears a plain black top for work everyday, people will think that she is wearing the same clothes. whereas for guys, they can wear the same plain white shirt everyday and what comes to mind is that they have 5 of the same shirts. i know this sounds like a bimbotic post… but this is the reason why i wish i am a guy… and i realise i am very very detached from my blog and i don't think i will ever be attached to it… ok… pointless statement… =) oh yah, i am reminded abt the fact that i am poor and this muthafooking auntie/mlm organisation refuses to refund me the money which i paid for a course that i did not attend. the point here is not the name of the mlm company. but the fact that they (the company) said there are two options for the paid course fees, 1) is to buy their products, 2) is to refund me the money but they have to deduct a processing fee of 10% or 4%. (seriously wtf right?! if they can write it off when i buy their products, they can definitely write it off when i want a cash refund!) so, i politely (and repeatedly) told the auntie that i want the CASH and she kept saying that she felt it was a waste as i had to bear the processing fee, so i should use it to buy their products. WTF WTF WTF!!! hello, in the first place, is this even an option ?! the word "option" is just to make your company sound nice only lor! sibeh dulan!!! hot liao lor… furthermore the auntie kept yakking on the phone, trying to persuade me… wtf… i neeeeeed my sleep!!! hah… but i will not and shall not succumb to pressure. pui. no matter how honest they try to make the company sound, it's all a scam! i hate mlm companies and beauty salons and whatsoever… in the end, the auntie said she will TRY to get back the cash for me… CCB! what is try?! if you are telling me you will TRY means that you never thought about that in the first place, which means the company is like die die don't wanna give me back the money in the first place. still dare to say what options… option your si lang tao lah! dulan… but die die must get back the money, honestly, i rather burn the money than let them earn a single cent lor… ccb!