Sigh My friends are right. I can’t live without my daily reflections or any of my verbose writings. Sigh, in any case, i’m back to my old wordpress account. Wordpress still holds the fort baby. Before the end of the beginning Tata for now! I’ve had it Work’s been a pain this week (actually, always ) and it’s got nothing to do with time management because New York is 12 hours behind us. I don’t see how i can manage that time difference. I have three capital injection exercises on my hands and all three are foreign firms with different expectations. Plus it doesn’t help that information is sketchy when it’s transmitted from a hierachical approach, although i can’t tell what’s worse:- Mismanaged information or bosses who cannot be bothered. In other news, I will be taking a break from the blogging scene to clear some personal stuff. Whether or not i will continue blogging is a question i have no answer to at this point in time but whatever the case, i’m still reachable through emails or my mobile. And my stand remains firm; “If you rather believe what is written than ask the source of information, then i’m disappointed that you don’t really know me.” And dear, thanks for being the light. Mere coincidence? Remember this post? I was browsing through CNN as part of my daily reads when i stumbled upon some news that could have been deliberately kept low-key. The guy who made that ridiculous remark on global warming passed away from an apparent heart attack, on the very same day i posted the entry. Mere coincidence or a cover up of the real cause of his death? I leave it up to your fertile minds to speculate. Parts of life Some misunderstandings just seem to ravel deeper to a point where all hope of establishing truth seems infinitely impossible. Conflict resolution is part and parcel of life but when it vacillates along things that you may not have a definite control of to start with, you start to wonder if it is worth expending energy and time to clarify. These are just some thoughts that ran through my mind when i had to deal with damage control at work because of a client’s indecisiveness. I guess rightly put, it all lies with how important we view the relationship that had been established with the conflicted party. Different schools of thought And you wonder why the church isn’t restored in the way it should be as written in the Bible. With differing views on current issues such as global warming from renowed Christian evangelists, i personally find it difficult to accept that globalisation for example is not part of God’s idea. And good grief. “Despite all the hype by liberal politicians, the media, Hollywood and so forth, it is not yet proven by any means that greenhouse gas emissions are the cause of global warming. -Reverend Jerry Falwell” Man, where did you get your education from? I am aggrieved that his words are actually treated like gospel by some university students. If the power of media works so well, why don’t people read more meaningful articles like this or this? Sigh. I still love God by the way. Protected: The right to dream This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password: To the makers of Lily Dear Lily makers, Thank you for creating such a wonderful and discreet invention but it would really be good if you could attach a string to Lily in future because i am sure i am not the only female who has had a vibe stuck in her pussy accidentally before. With lots of love, Sunshin3 I never thought i’ll ever say this but.. *laughs* The vibe got stuck in my pussy today. Since Pete and I were both virgins at the usage of a vibrator, Lily slipped out of his fingers due to the slippery nature of her surroundings. I thought he was joking when he told me but when i saw his empty palms, i almost fainted. It’s not a nice feeling to be torn between pleasure and torture and it doesn’t help that Pete and i have different definitions of intensity. Nevertheless, they were right about vibes. “Dangerous tools when used unsupervised.” And baby makes three.. Friskiness aside, Serendipity’s post about chances and choices got me thinking. In the whole twenty years of my existence, i have come to accept that some things don’t just happen by chance. Just like having an addition into the family. Life as a couple is lovely and sweet but with the intensity of our fornication, that topic was bound to crop up. It was more a question of when than an if. So baby, I wonder how Daddy Pete will react when he finds out of your existence. Hormones are evil Woe is me for I am blardly frisky of late. So frisky am i that Pete has withhold playtime this week to salvage whatever’s left of him. The poor guy has been nibbled, stroked, (wo)manhandled the last two weeks and i doubt anyone would want to be in his position. So do take pity on me cos i’m not getting any ok? Protected: Of friendships This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password: Bud-wiser pals Shelly belongs to the rare handful of pals that i can trust with my most intimate issues. And honestly, the ones i hang out with sometimes aren’t the ones who know my issues in detail. But going forward, i guess i have to thank Keith for it. To start off, Shelly and I weren’t exactly friends to begin with. I hated her insecurities which she displayed on the bar while she hated my knowledge and it was pretty evident through our comments to each other. And when Keith told me over a Christmas dinner last year that i should try talking to her more because we seemed to have many similarities, i kinda snorted at the idea. At that time, the only similarity that i could see was that we were both women. Something happened obviously that got us together and before any one of us knew it, we were chatting like old friends. It’s just funny when i think back at all the weird but deserving friendships that i have. Keith’s right. We do have many similarities, from our similar family backgrounds to our teochew-sprouting significant others and right down to even our sexuality. And i see how motherhood is changing her for the better. No doubt she has her own vices, she is also real and i like the fact that she knows all i need is a listening ear without me telling her. There are some people who just make you feel worse when you come to them with your problems. Unfortunately, some of those people are counsellors by training and you wonder why it occurs as such when these psychiatrists are supposed to help people with their issues and not make them feel worse. Is it due to their training or is it due to their lack of experience in the problems that their clients face? So many whys but not much answers.. LG Shine Mobile.. courtesy of cowboycaleb When elusive and evar busy Cowboy called me out for a cup of coffee during office hours as he had something nice to show me, it had better be good was my first thought. KNN. He wasn’t kidding man. So for half an hour, i had the chance to lay my hands on and preview the exclusive LG Shine mobile phone. Sleek, shiny and seductive. Makes my iPaq and his dopod look like aunties next to it. Women and condoms Some men can’t take it when they see a woman buying condoms. I was at Watsons buying some of my essentials when i decided to stock up on our erm supply cos we seem to always run out of them whenever we have our urges. There was this guy in particular who kept glancing at me even as he walked out of the store and I couldn’t quite tell what his facial expression was but i felt uncomfortable nonetheless with the attention. Was it because he was shocked that i purchased them with no hint of embarrassment or was he shocked that a woman can have sexual urges? I wouldn’t know and i couldn’t care less. Although it may be because i was buying a pack of 12. Heh. Protected: Self-awareness part 2 This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password: Shit hits the fan A brief respite before i continue with self-awareness part 2. I realised that i am hurt and upset by the actions of one of my sisters in Christ over an email to me which was mass-mailed to people who weren’t in the core family group. The contents of the email were very personal as it dealt with a lot of heartfelt issues and to a point, something that i like to keep private and confidential till i am ready to disclose at a later stage. I may seem open about my problems but there are certain things about me that i would like to keep private because there are just some people who cannot accept it yet nor do i feel comfortable with sharing as the relationship is not established yet. And when that email which was attention to me went out, i had a lot of explaining to do when people started asking me what the hell happened. It was truly a case of shit hitting the fan and after a while, you just get frustrated that some people just don’t know how to ignore that email and have this need to know thingy or they start to see you in a different light? It is like you know you are guilty of sin and talking about church or to Christians just makes you feel worse as a person that you can’t live up to Christ ways? I’m talking about THAT kind of feeling. I tried to clarify with her but she said that she was merely replying to my email question. What i had sought for when i asked for clarifications in my earlier email was why was there a group discussion and how come there was an apology. I was away for two weeks due to my ill health and was not kept in the loop for many things. It is a very simple question and answer and her reply was very defensive. I took offence in it because it hurts real deep as i thought she was someone who understood how i am or could have possibly check who the addressees are but i guess i maybe wrong. I don’t wish to pursue this cos i see no point in it. I am not minimizing nor am i justifying the hurt but it’s come to a point where i rather resolve this matter with God Himself. I want to forgive her which is why i am blogging about it. Pete taught me to acknowledge my emotions instead of hiding them in the past and frankly, acknowledging it makes the whole equation much simpler to solve or in this case, to forgive. Protected: Self-awareness part 1 This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password: Hospitalised I am back and ready to face new challenges. It has been a fruitful and eventful three days, staying in the hospital. Special thanks to Daniel for the books, Jeff, my best bud, my colleagues and Felicia who popped by despite their busy schedules and the distance. It’s ironic that none of my church members came down and i always thought that we had a strong relational bond there but i guess i may be wrong. To those not in the loop of matters, i was hospitalised on Wedndesday evening and discharged this afternoon for respiratory issues and pleuretic chest pain. The doctors haven’t quite found out what was the cause of the prolonged cough but they suspect it has to do with my nasal airways. Nevertheless, my stay in the hospital made me realise a lot of things about me and the areas which i needed to change. Behavioural patterns which i need to question. For one, i saw my own selfishness and stubbornness in handling certain matters. Two, i reacted in the way my loved one didn’t want me to react and he’s disappointed with me. Three, i really need to be quick to listen and understand and slow in assuming things. But Pete meant well when he scolded me and i understood where he was coming from. Like all wise men will say, “If he didn’t care for you, he wouldn’t scold you and still tell you that he loves you.” Relationships either make or break us. We need people to tell us where are the areas we need to work on and what we could possibly be blind to and all these can only be achieved through relationships with people. Through it all, i am very grateful to my best bud who visited me even though she was sick, who was there with me when i teared, and who gave me the assurance i needed. I don’t know what i’ll do without her. We may not have a track record of twenty years of friendship like some of my older friends but we will get there baby. As for me, it’s time to start cracking on changing myself for the better. Fixing a broken heart Dear God, Thank You for blessing Pete with a belly so cute to poke, a smile so cheeky yet genuine, eyes that express love and mystery, a vocabulary with sweet, endearing words and a brain to boot. In fact, thank You for making such a man real and in existence. Love, sunshin3 Ramblings on a tuesday The above comic has got nothing to do with the entry. I just posted it up cos i think it’s mildly entertaining. The hottest news today is the buyout of ABN Amro by Barclays Bank. The whole office has been buzzing with excitement and anxiety as we are unsure if it will affect our professional relationships with ABN Amro. The biggest concern naturally is of course, jobs. (Like whose concern isn’t?) In other news, Dave is popping by Singapore again albeit at the wrong time. My schedule for May is packed and i am not sure if i can live up to what i promised Dave the last time he was here. “I’ll take you to Sentosa the next time you’re here…” Sigh. Squabble wabble The only fight I had on Friday was a fight within myself. One of the things that I have always believed in is that offence is always taken and never given. What happened on Friday was none of his fault because I chose to react to my selfishness talking. I chose not to see the special effort he made to come and look me up even when he was tired and drained from all his meetings. I chose to be nit-picky on the fact that we couldn’t hang out long enough for me to be satisfied. I have to admit that I wasn’t rational in my behaviour last Friday and I chose to allow the moodiness to eat into my personal space with him. I teared not because I was hurt by him but because I was angry with my own weakness in dealing with my insecurity. Nevertheless, we had a good talk over lunch today. It has been a really good six months together and I don’t want to spoil it for any of us. He is going through a tough time on the home front and I wished I could do more for him as a girlfriend. But he doesn’t want me to. In this instance, even if the spirit and flesh is willing, I am not given a choice except to support him and respect his decision. Protected: I’m sorry if i hurt you This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password: It’s all about perspectives The boss has been on leave and it has been a rather peaceful week for me. The date of my departure has not been fixed for reasons being that there is a shortage of office space in Abu Dhabi and that i have a plummy project to spearhead. Once i get this project out of my way next month, things would more or less be finalised. However, another mega project has made its way to the drawing board. It is a media project that my GM wants me involved in. We had a meeting yesterday to discuss the project brief which unfortunately in my humble opinion, failed in comparison with the better business plans that i have seen. Of course i can’t tell her. My head will roll but I do give her credit for the amount of research that she has done though, given the fact that we aren’t exactly media people. As like any businesswoman, i do have my concerns over this project and i did explained to her my hesitations that i can’t be at two places at one time. I mean, they really have to decide what they want me to specialise in or handle. One school of thought thinks that i should concentrate on building up my legal career while another school of thought believes that i should concentrate on the PR side of things for the Middle East desk. No doubt i have the advantage of being well-regarded to be able to do both, it can be pretty frustrating as i have mentioned how versatility can be a bane at times. I can do anything but i don’t want to do everything. I will get burnt out and i know that neither one of them want that for selfish, business reasons. In fact, they are so afraid that i will run away and leave them in the lurch that they try not to tax me unnecessarily. In that sense, i do have that upper hand. The diplomatic her obviously gave me a choice although she expressly indicated her enthusiasm of roping me in for the pioneering work. Even over lunch at Mezza9 which was hosted by our business acquaintances today, she was already making suggestions when nothing was agreed internally on the arrangement yet. If i say yes to the inception of this project, i will not be based in Abu Dhabi for more than a year but it is the sustainability of this project that i question. On the other hand, let’s say i reject the call and Pete wants to get me involved in his project at a later stage, it could possibly be another Paul Wolfowitz because i can’t add value. Don’t you just love life and the whys of it all? Unintended beneficiaries My colleagues are the beneficiaries of Pete’s regular duty at night. Even he agrees that i am funnier/lamer/cheekier after being well-serviced the previous night. Grah. Let me tell you what’s funnier. Having Pete meet me in the heart of Raffles Place for lunch wearing two different types of shoes on each feet. That’s one of the many other reasons why i love this guy. He knows when to laugh at his own silliness and isn’t afraid to admit his limitations and weaknesses. So if you happen to walk past the first plot of land in Raffles Place at approximately 12.25pm today and you see a guy wearing a brown shoe on his right feet and a black shoe on his left, that’s Pete. But it’s ironic how things all work out in the end. If he did not went back to his office to change his shoes and to pick up an umbrella as well, we probably would have been caught in the rain, thinking of our duties this evening again. Not that having an umbrella ever kept our hands and imaginations busy with other matters anyway. No strings attached We have this new foreign legal advisor who looks startling alike LMD, from the short hair to the specs and right down to their petite stature. Probably the biggest difference between the both of them is that one gets laid every night while the other doesn’t. Ok, sorry babe, just being cheeky here. But i do have a different form of regard for LMD who manages to differentiate sex and love. It ain’t easy for a woman to have sex without strings attached. As much of a cockteaser i am known to be, i draw the lines at sleeping with friends and strangers too. Which strangely, has also gotten the respect of friends who have prepositioned me. I can’t do that lah. It’s just so weird for me. No amount of bullet biting or alcohol will help me get over the awkwardness before and after the deed. Besides, I need the fweeeling to be there too and a good glass of absinthe otherwise i am as dry as the sahara desert. It’s also the same case for phone sex. Some days i enjoy it, some days i just wanna fuck the caller more than the phone. Protected: Protected for a reason This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password: Honey, do you love me? Asking to define what love is is like asking why is sugar sweet. From young, it has been ingrained within us to agree that love means “Anything you say, honey”. As we grow older and hopefully wiser, we start to realise that if we operate on that definition of love, we would never be happy. That is if you do realise that your belief system on love is a little lop-sided and then perhaps you start searching for what love really is. No doubt the Bible talks about the definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13, i’ll tell you honestly that i struggled with meeting that definition of love. Although i had hoped that such a love existed, reality was telling me otherwise. I had two serious relationships over the last four years and my last relationship left both of us hurt and withdrawn. It left me wondering why it was that i could never have a satisfying relationship with any man or even with an older man. Books on relationships then appealed to me and when i meant books, i don’t mean books by Allan and Barbara Pease. I was hungry for truth and it led me to discover gems like respect, expectations, love languages, needs, forgiveness, modelling etc. I am no guru on love nor am i Mr. Vinceli’s Mark of True Love but understanding and cultivating those gems were one of the keys to a happier and fulfilling relationship. And oh, did i mention sex is one of the keys as well? Of course, maybe i am lucky that i had the advantage that Pete happened to be trained in human sociology and was a better discoverer of root causes and a better implementer of solutions than i was. We may not be married but he has certainly given me the security of a stable relationship by satisfying simple needs of mine like the fulfillment of my love language. Pretty often, Pete and i do reflect on the status of our relationship to test its healthiness. Not many people can take such reflective processes but it is an important dynamic which we both agreed upon was necessary. Above all, Pete made me believe in love again. He showed me that it was possible to meet that definition contained in 1 Corinthians 13. His love for me gave me the freedom to choose, to love, to grow and to be myself. He respected my choices and treated me as an equal partner in our relationship. He valued my input and never once demeaned me to have nothing valuable to say although he has been round the block longer than i have. It is his tender and considerate, sweet actions that i am addicted to and friends of mine all agree that he really is a very good catch. Like i always tell him, “i’m smitten by you, hook, line and sinker.” Despite the white hairs and his physical aging, i know that i still remain very much in love with this guy. Wedding of the year Thursday was one of the greatest moments in my life despite the frenzy we all went through to ensure that things didn’t go wrong. I witnessed the union of a couple whom i count as one of my closest family members to date at a restaurant in Clarke Quay. The bride was resplendent in a white and gold gown with intricate beadings and the groom was dressed smartly in his jacket. They looked really good together. No photos though as i was running around. It was a mixed bag of emotions hearing their vows during the solemnisation ceremony. Their vows were written with sincerity and commitment to this union and their seriousness towards each other reminded me of the promises that i made beforehand to the men i have dated in my past relationships. Thinking back, I highly doubt my own sincerity and assurance that those past relationships would be able to endure the adversities of life. What seemed compatible then didn’t seem compatible now. As in His Word, our hearts are deceitful (Jeremiah 17:9) and it is not easy for us to distinguish love and lust into two separate components. People change overtime too and I have seen the death of passion in the eyes of married couples. I know for a fact that i have been caught in too many incidents whereby logic and emotions do not correspond with each other. To this end, i still believe that love is a decision one makes. Some things don’t change I bought dinner home tonight but i didn’t had much of an appetite to start with. I know the wanting appetite has got nothing to do with the asthma attack i had yesterday nor did it had to do with more responsibilities at work. It was an emotional development that had taken effect on my physical state. That feeling was just too hard to ignore. Although it had been a long while since it last occurred, the bitter taste of it tasted just the same as it did a year ago or possibly even two years ago. I am feeling jealous. Biggest joke of the century My boss calls me and tells me she’s working from home today. “Oh, you mean you didn’t realise that you’ve always been working from home?” But nah, those words never made their way to my mouth. I don’t have balls of steel to say such things to my boss even if she treats me as a confidante sometimes. It’s scary when your boss tells you secrets but it is not the fear that i might do a freudian slip that scares me. Rather, it is the knowledge that you have to retire with the company because of these secrets that keeps me on my toes.