The Grey Area So we all had high hopes. We all stayed glued to our screens, crying with joy about the best thing that ever happened to network television lesbian representation: Callie and Erica on Grey’s Anatomy. But it was not to be. Season 5 started airing in September, and though yes, I have been too busy to give updates on the sexciting happenings on Grey’s [let's just drop the pretense we care about Meredith or Cristina or Bailey], I have been following the series along with that other show, Heroes [until the plotline started completely irritating me and I decided to give up]. Callie and Erica did eventually get it on after their hot kiss at the end of Season 4 - for detailed recaps on what happened, check AfterEllen. After the traditional gay panic, the even more traditional lets-take-it-slow dating which ended up in a fast beeline to the bed, Erica figuring out she is soooo gay, Callie figuring out she is bisexual, not lesbian by testing theories with Sloane… it all ended in a big what in the name of Sappho when Erica simply walked away from Callie over a silly argument over who got Denny’s heart and Grey Areas. Devoted fans knew a week before the episode was released, that Brooke Smiths, who plays Erica was fired by ABC for some reason. No one knows why in the name of Sappho’s U-haul this happened, and why Brooke Smiths had to be fired, instead of them just breaking up and keeping the character of Erica on the show. Even GLAAD is taking Shonda’s side on this, and they are blaming it all on bad chemistry. Pfft. It would be a little more believable had we not been hearing rumours that Melissa George was coming to the show as a bisexual intern, but that was quickly thrown in the can about the same time as Brooke Smiths was fired. And here I was, so happy, so proud, that network television was going where no man (or woman) had gone before, in rather bravely portraying queer characters [remember last season? Remember the hot gay soldier kiss? Remember Joe the bartender? What happened to him anyway, after becoming a twin daddy?]. And here it is, all broken. *sobs* Many queer folks who were already long-time fans of Grey’s, or those who jumped on the wagon after Callica [ie, the shipper term for Callie and Erica] have taken to boycotting the show. Jump off the wagon all you want, I’m riding this to the end to see what happens to Callie, at least. And not just because Sara Ramirez is hot [that gigawatt smile and the curves and the boobs... need I say more?]. And ABC, I love you, I love most of your other productions, but since you decided to stop giving us airtime, I will have to do the same for you on this space which was generously given to you, on the dime of the people who pay for the hosting of Sayoni. Goodbye, Callica… we’ll miss you! tags: abc, bisexual, callie, erica, gay, lesbian, queer, grey's anatomy Update on Orchard Towers Homicide In a further development of the story we published on the orchard towers “hate crime”, the remaining three assailants, the ones who started the assault on the victim Suhaimi, have been sentenced by a district judge. Greater role, so trio get jail Trio in the dock had each either punched or kicked victim on the head Teo Xuanwei xuanwei@mediacorp.com.sg ALL six friends were involved in the brawl outside an Orchard Towers pub last November, but a district judge ruled yesterday that three of them had played greater roles in the fatal assault. For that, a district judge sentenced Mr Muhammad Sufian Zainal, 21, and Mr Helmi Abdul Rahim, 20, each to four years’ jail and six strokes of the cane. Mr Ahmad Nur Helmy Ahmad Hamdan, 20, was given four-and-a-half years in jail and eight strokes of the cane. The fracas that took place in the wee hours of Nov 23 was sparked off after the victim, Mr Suhaimi Sulong, 37, approached a few of the youths — all gang members — outside Brown Sugar pub and made lewd comments and offered sexual services, court documents said. Enraged, some confronted Mr Suhaimi. Yesterday, Deputy Public Prosecutor (DPP) Samuel Chua told the court that Mr Ahmad Nur Helmy was most culpable as he had thrown the first punch that led to his peers raining blows on Mr Suhaimi. Mr Suhaimi died an hour after the beating and the trio in the dock had each either punched or kicked him on the head. Mr Ahmad Nur Helmy’s lawyer argued that it was “virtually impossible to describe the actual role of each of the offenders, the nature and the extent of their involvement” in a group attack. He appealed for his client to be imposed with the same punishment as his accomplices got last week — Mr Muhammad Ridhwan Mohd Roslan, 20, Lai Chee Kuen, 17, and Mr Ho Ching Boon, 18, were sent to the reformative training centre. But DPP Chua said that it was because those three youths had played lesser roles in the “heinous offence”. Reformative training for the three men sentenced yesterday was inadequate because “the principle of deterrence should feature more strongly than the principle of rehabilitation”, given their roles in the incident. For voluntarily causing grievous hurt, each of the trio could have been jailed up to seven years, in addition to a fine or caning. We are satisfied that the offence is being treated with the gravity it should be, but it would have been apropos to emphasise that it is not acceptable for people to hurt each other based on strong prejudicial feelings. tags: gay, hate crime, queer, singapore Good News and Bad News: Obama In, Equal Rights Out It is good news and bad news today - in the good news, Barrack Obama was elected President of the United States. In the bad news, three states - Arizona, California and Florida, have voted to pass a constitutional amendment that defines “marriage as being between a man and a woman” only. The most upsetting of these setbacks, was in the state of California, where Proposition 8 was defeated by a margin of 4% [with 95% of precints reporting in]. At the time of publication, it does not look likely that Proposition 8 will be defeated, and hence, we have to accept the cold hard reality that one of the largest, and supposedly liberal states in America has decided that people like us do not deserve equal rights. [Click here for updates] Now, readers are inclined to ask: how is this related to us? We do not live in America, for this to really affect us. However, this is likely to have repercussions in both America and abroad, in the march towards progress. After the court case that allowed same-sex couples to get married, this step backwards is a big blow to equal rights. Even though domestic partnerships are still allowed, they are not the same as marriage, and does not confer many of the important rights that come with marriage. Here’s us hoping that in the years to come, the constitutional amendment will be overturned, though it is so much harder to do. tags: usa, gay, obama, prop 8, queer, elections Sayoni Queer Women Survey 2008 Report (Singapore) Sayoni proudly presents Sayoni Queer Women Survey 2008 Report (Singapore) - administered on lesbian, queer, bisexual and transgendered women living in Singapore. Abstract Objectives: 1.To gain some perspective on the actual needs of queer women, and what we can do about them 2.To provide free and accessible information to researchers, and act as a starting point for further research into the field 3.To ameliorate the dire lack of information on queer women in Singapore. Currently, there is no proper understanding of how the women’s queer community functions, other than biased and disjointed personal views. The survey is broken down into five main aspects. Questions in each category are stream-lined and standardised for easy answering, by presenting most of the questions as rating questions where possible. 1. Introduction General background. 2. Family, Friends and Work Questions on how out the respondent is in their various social circles, how this group has reacted to the information, and the respondent’s intention to come out to that particular group. 3. Personal Questions on a personal level relating to sexual orientation. Probes how the respondents come to realise their sexuality, different aspects of personal identity, and how their sexuality has affected them. Also includes information on relationships of respondents. 4. Financial Questions to ascertain the financial status of queer women as a community - on income, occupation and industry, housing and car ownership. 5. Feedback on Sayoni and the community Take note that the answers to these questions with the exception of two, are not presented in this report as they are meant for internal feedback. This survey was not carried out with a null hypothesis in mind, and much of the information contained in this report is  processed descriptive statistics. Where possible, averages and trends have been pre-computed, and presented along with a broad analysis of the data. This  year, the data is presented in a much more visual format, as opposed to raw numbers in the pilot run of 2006. In the report of 2006, the data was broken down across Age, Ethnicity and Religion, as it is believed that these three different aspects affect the average queer woman in her views and social situation with respect to her sexuality. This year, due to the significant changes in methodology and presentation, we have decided to omit the comparison by Ethnicity and  Religion, as the representation for minority ethnic groups is not high enough to allow accurate comparisons. tags: lesbian, singapore, statistics, survey, women, queer Hate Crime in Singapore This news was reported in the Straits Times. 3 others in Orchard Towers brawl will be sentenced Nov 6 By Sujin Thomas BIRTHDAY party celebrations at an Orchard Towers pub last November turned ugly when six men ended up beating another to death. After he was assaulted in the early hours of Nov 23, Suhaimi Sulong, 37, was taken unconscious to the Singapore General Hospital. He died an hour later from head and neck injuries. Yesterday, three of his attackers - Muhammad Ridhwan Mohd Roslan, 20, Ho Ching Boon, 17, and Lai Chee Kuen, 17 - were sent to the reformative training centre. There, younger offenders are confined for between 18 months and three years and put through a tough regimen of foot drills, counselling, education and vocational training. The packed courtroom was filled with teary eyed family members of the three men. The remaining three in the dock - Muhammad Sufian Zainal, 21, Ahmad Nur Helmy Ahmad Hamdan, 20, and Helmi Abdul Rahim, 28 - will be sentenced on Nov 6. According to court documents, the six had gone to the Brown Sugar pub on the second floor of Orchard Towers on the evening of Nov 22 to celebrate a friend’s birthday. A few hours later, Lai and Ho left the pub briefly and were approached by Suhaimi, who asked them if they wanted oral sex. Both men declined. Later, while Ahmad was combing his hair in a toilet, Suhaimi approached him with the same question. Ahmad responded with a hailstorm of vulgarities in Malay. A few minutes later, he caught up with Suhaimi and asked if he was a homosexual. He was by then with Muhammad Sufian, Ho and Lai. When Suhaimi ignored him, Ahmad punched him in the face till he fell onto the floor. Muhammad Sufian restrained Ahmad and helped Suhaimi up onto his feet. As Suhaimi ran down the staircase, Ahmad again shouted vulgarities at him. This time, Suhaimi stopped in his tracks and stared at Ahmad. It would cost him his life. Ahmad chased him down the staircase with Muhammad Sufian in tow. Meanwhile, Suhaimi had made a run for it, reaching the ground floor before Muhammad Sufian, who had earlier helped him, kicked him in the back. Suhaimi fell to the ground and was kicked and punched by Ahmad, Muhammad Sufian, Ho and Lai. Muhammad Ridhwan and Helmi, who were bystanders, also joined in. The men stopped only when a taxi driver shouted at them. Later, he also called the police. By then, Suhaimi was unconscious. The six men were subsequently arrested. There has never been a reported hate crime in Singapore - not that it has not occurred before, just that it has been only whispered quietly between friends. The magnitude of the crime becomes clear if you imagine it was a woman who was flashed. Women of all ranks endure objectification every single day - has any woman not been approached/stared at/solicited/commented upon by men they encounter in the streets? When this happens, we are told to just walk away, or at the most, call the police if the person persists. Has anyone been advised to call their buddies over and beat the man to death? Yes, the man behaved badly, but death was not his punishment, and it was not the assailants’ place to give it. If harrassed, the victim could always have called the police - do we not have a legal system in place to deal with crimes, and to stop people from taking the law into their own hands? We do not believe that provocation should be allowed a partial defence to this crime, because the magnitude of the provocation is nowhere near the level of hurt inflicted in response. Angry men do bad things, but their anger should not serve as an excuse for inflicting harm beyond what a reasonable person in their shoes would. And we certainly do not believe that a solicitation should invite a response so extreme. We believe that the men took so much offence because they felt their masculinity was threatened. But to allow this reasoning to glorify masculinity as an inviolable premise, which men are allowed to defend with lethal force.  In fact, the assault later suggests a response borne out of a need to display their masculinity at the same time as defending it. Allowing provocation as a defence would send out the wrong signal to society, that masculinity is so much more valuable than feminity, and force is an acceptable way to defend the slightest offence to it. It would signify that being solicited by a man is a shameful thing for another man - and a threat to its manhood, which is not the case. In a further development of the story, three of the men who joined in the assault have been sent to a reform centre as part of their punishment, with the charge for murder dropped and substituted with a charge for voluntary cause of grievous hurt. The original three assailants will be sentenced on Nov 6. New Release: I can’t think straight! here! Films and Regent Releasing proudly presents: I CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT trailer & poster premiered on Cinematical! Please click here to view. An exuberant, touching romantic comedy about clashing of the two worlds and cultures. Tala, a London-based Palestinian, prepares for her elaborate wedding in Jordan when she meets Leyla, a young British Indian woman who turns her world upside down. I CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT stars Lisa Ray (WATER, KILL KILL FASTER FASTER), Sheetal Sheth (ABCD, THE WORLD UNSEEN), Rez Kempton (THE MYSTIC MASSEUR) and Nina Wadia (EASTEBDERS). The film was adapted from the writers and directors, Shamim Sarif (THE WORLD UNSEEN) best-selling novel and produced by Hanan Kattan (THE WORLD UNSEEN). I CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT was written, directed, financed and produced almost entirely by women - an Enlightenment Productions film. I CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT opens in theaters on Friday, November 21, 2008 View trailer. Download the poster Press materials Website for I CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT tags: film, queer, lesbian Islamic Body in Malaysia Bans Lesbian Sex This news article is taken from here. KUALA LUMPUR - ONE of Malaysia’s highest Islamic bodies has banned females from dressing or behaving like men and engaging in lesbian sex, saying it was forbidden by the religion. The National Fatwa Council on Thursday issued its ruling following a two-day meeting that discussed recent cases of young women apparently behaving like men and exhibiting homosexual tendencies, state news agency Bernama reported. Council chairman Abdul Shukor Husin told Bernama many young women admired the way men dress, behave and socialise, violating human nature and denying their femininity. ‘It is unacceptable to see women who love the male lifestyle including dressing in the clothes men wear,’ Mr Abdul Shukor was quoted as saying. ‘(Masculine behaviour) becomes clearer when they start to have sex with someone of the same gender, that is woman and woman,’ he said. ‘In view of this, the National Fatwa Council which met today have decided and taken the stand that such acts are forbidden and banned,’ he said. Male homosexuality, considered against the order of nature, is illegal in Malaysia but lawyers say female homosexuality is technically permissible as there are no provisions for it under the law. The Fatwa Council does not have jurisdiction in civil law, but the ruling appears to be an attempt to push female homosexuality towards illegality. Islam is the official religion of Malaysia, where more than 60 per cent of its 27 million people are Muslim Malays who practice a conservative brand of the religion. Until now, there was never a clear pronouncement on the status of lesbians in Islamic law (in South-East Asia). Given the proximity of Malaysia to Singapore, the influence is likely to spread to here and other South-East Asian countries. However, we respectfully disagree with this pronouncement on two grounds: firstly, lesbianism is not an imitation of masculinity. Yes, some members of the community do dress in a masculine fashion, or behave as such. But not all. Loving another woman is not an expression of this masculinity, it simply is a manifestation of an innate trait. Secondly, there are alternative views within Islam on the issue of homosexuality. A council of moderate Muslim scholars in Jakarta concluded that homosexuals and homosexuality are natural and created by God. (For news report, see here). For years, there have been Muslim people speaking up about their sexuality and exploring the junction between their faith and sexuality, ultimately reconciling the two. We sincerely hope the government of Malaysia does not adopt this fatwa as law. Review: The Vagina Monologues I went to watch this last night with a few of the Sayoni girls. It would be a crime for me to miss this when it is finally playing in Singapore. Eve Ensler’s celebrated groundbreaking play was given a local flavour by director Loretta Chen, produced by Zebra Crossing. The monologues is basically a series of short skits telling different stories of women - of love, of sex, betrayal, relationships, empowerment, femininity. I have never seen the Eve Ensler original, but I suppose that means little when this play is supposed to be an evolving piece that accomodates the changing nature of society, and in this case, was given a thoroughly local makeover. So, free from the comparisons from the original, I would say this is mostly a pretty good production in terms of acting, casting and direction. If it were not the last day, I would highly recommend people to go watch it. The various skits were alternately touching, heartbreaking and funny. It started off with a monologue by an Indian woman about her vaginal hair which her husband found unpalatable, then going into what can only be described as the Vagina Circle - group of women sitting around examining their vaginas, except they were wearing army uniforms and taking orders. An allusion to militant feminism? Perhaps. Notably, there was the original-but-modified chorus of 12-year old girls describing their first periods, who terrorised the first three rows of the audience by walking among them, and distributing (even throwing) sanitary napkins. There was the older woman who couldn’t say the word “vagina”, but held up her hand in a V-sign instead of verbalising it, talking about the experience where she was finally able to “love” her vagina. A woman ranted about the treatment her vagina was getting from the society (which was really funny and insightful) through tampouns, douches and OG/GYN tools. Then of course, the completely controversial originally-13-but-modified-to-18-for-singapore girl who found healing from her traumatic sexual experiences through an experience with an older woman. A pole dancer pranced around for a few minutes, before a group of women sang about their short skirts. A male-to-female-transsexual talks about her femininity and her trials over it. A female dominatrix waxed lyrical about her experiences with giving women pleasure (which was probably the funniest part about the play), where all the different kinds of moans were enacted out, culminating the famously vocal “triple orgasm”. Finally, there was the monologue about childbirth, from various perspectives. One of the values of the play is that it is highly gay-friendly. Same-sex relationships are portrayed positively - one of the controversies about the play, of course. One of my main complaints is that it was discomfitingly tokenised in terms of race - Chinese, Malay, Indian. Furthermore, I don’t find it funny when people spout random tamil phrases for laughs, and especially when it is not in context. No one, and I mean no one, says “Thank you” in Tamil during sex. Secondly, what was the pole dancer about? Yes she was fun to watch, but I don’t believe it added any value to the play except pull in the straight male audience. All in all, I would say this was a well-done production, especially with the high standards people are going to hold this to. tags: eve ensler, feminism, lesbian, the vagina monologues, singapore Contradition IV: Chrystal These three poems were written by Chrystal, read at Contradiction IV. We thank the writers for allowing us to publish these works on our site. INK ON SKIN self-expression or self-release? ink on skin more like blood seeping through art and architecture colliding on surfaces and within the body is beautiful. her body is beautiful. a landscape genius with shading and smooth curve. an entire canvas - a work in progress with drawings that misdirect, drawing attention only to a gun which recognizes we are all to blame its nozzle pointing in, its handle open for your grasp I grasp her arm and she lets me puts the trigger to my anxious untrained fingers and I have hurt her in my defense of expression and release too many times her heart once worn, red, on her upper left sleeve now lower, worn out, perhaps, or still falling with hope in gray flames, still burning waiting for my silly searching to end where it began - a nautical star for direction and a banner left blank with an invisible inscription. her name written in permanence. this landscape is genius. five feet and four inches and the occasional additional seven and a half strapped on a version of our aversion to the need for heels or height a little lean and you learn that when it’s all laid down, the world will slip into reach just right. but the landscape is genius. in dim light. a skyline crafted like odd-lengthed crayons in every shade of Crayola’s blue and gray scraping the night as if god’s ass is bare and daring the boldest, tallest, to take him on. fool enough to try and fooled enough to stand before the lobby at street level and shrinking. but away from that city such erections are mere shadows cast upon faces like masses of clitoral vindication. so let’s make art with our bodies and war with our voices link arms, build walls so great in front clinics and around women exercising a right not given by statute but by the inherent allowance to choose. see, that’s the art of creation each individual with difference and on that level - equal in innocence. guilt implied only by those above judgment those who have proof of absolute truth and I will say not even science is very much more than theoretical but aesthetics are pleasing. unexplained. mysterious. like favorite colors. favorite contours. so the direction of my gazes is, quite frankly, none of your business specifically if you deal with laws and ‘infringements’ the fringe of society will always be here where you put it whether you like it holding in place the outline of your weak definitions constraints and restrictions you man-made normality you nurtured into nature non-conformity is the frame around your masterpiece and what’s truly genius is the landscape and the escape from textbook terminology and the noise. life and art are the colors of skin and the contours of choice. In the Streets recently, with the attention from the random schoolgirl stalkers and the truly crazy girls, every time we fuck i wonder if this is how they see me. on top but way too bottom. more skin undressed in a single frame than anyone else could account. your seven and a half inches of what it means to be free.. seven and a half inches within me. and god, do i get loud… it’s so odd to think about. i imagine them glimpsing us in that hot clammy wet moment. can’t feel my toes or grip your hair any tighter. can’t hear my drippy mucous thoughts over a voicebox in my throat that switched channels. can’t stop the tremble in my thighs or press our chests any deeper. when all i can is come. butch on the streets and femme in the sheets. i don’t believe in that. i don’t believe in gender. i don’t believe in codes that formulate a system of authority. they’re just roles we play in the dark. i believe i cracked the passwords, beat the boundaries, and defeated the purposes we were expected to accept. without question. but i came. and i asked. who am i if not in some form some way someone i’d be assessed to be? expression and identity are knit too close. like my breaths and my gasps when your hand is down my pants. when i look in the mirror i see what i want to. what i want them to. i see a dash of arrogance that means strength in the bulk of male muscle. masculine terms that i want my chin to speak before my words have their chance. when i look in the mirror i furrow my brows. i am defiance. i am real. i am man. - or boy, because my dimple charms and jello smile and pissed-pants eyes reveal. too much. so i am not defiance. i am not man. that is not real. and when i look in the mirror i furrow my brows to deny, defy, a toddler with cheeks too chubby to know the arch of man constructs… architecture of the home, the rod, the rule. the triangle was gold, not pink. but I never followed the hint. when i talk to myself, i’m a hundred and twelve percent boy. albeit sensitive and introspective. And i don’t know myself any other way. the day i cut my hair off (it only took me seventeen years) i stayed in front of the mirror for hours. negotiating what i saw. resolving who i had always been. it was like staring at your twin, separated at birth, and that internal reconciliation. putting the parts together. like always knowing there was someone out there who had stolen your identity and left you with someone else’s. and then seeing your self walking down the street right across the street from you. i don’t know myself any other way. yet you know me that other way. you know the way my jaw drops and locks, the way i bite my lip, the way my neck throws back. i’m no actor. i’m not the best liar. i guess i’m versatile but you somehow lube up my dichotomies just right… we’re faggots and toughguys and leather dykes and fruitcakes… and god knows i love the sounds you make when you’re almost.. quite… there. My Definition my mother wants to define this as if sex came with a gender clause. this uniform skirt is control exercised by culture and laws that dictate over external genitalia, wombs, female fetuses, and the space we’re allowed to exist in a norm of petite, polite, post-marital slave and we carry our heels high to be crippled we acquire joy from the vanity of requiring continuous assistance. so my jeans will be worn, knowing the price that accompanies— this awareness that this world was born from a woman’s pain this responsibility to react sensitively when taught his story and his terminology that recites fair game. my god is my maker; his word is my sin you are my judges, judge, judgment qualified by manhood raised, erected, waving like a wand your command but she, she is my conscience and for that thrust, i will stand. the truth is out there a simple search, keywords, on the world wide web take away politics, religion, ignorance and add a dash of self-worth and it will be found that the mystery is stellar and it lies in here. in these words, this supposed poetry of language and languor lies irreverence and love and its stolen midnight motion if only in respite. i was told by an artist that art empowers scientists that laws are enacted by politicians and embellished by poets well i write and i paint, but not enough to make change. canvas does not sound like the alarm, the crash of three airplanes headed for history. but we’ll go down on your daughter before their husbands understand and we’ll plan our revolution under conservative family tables by holding hands and we’ll respect their laws of nature, stare it down like fighting prey while they turn away from this physics of gravitation alike to and amore so than theirs, since the anatomy’s the same. but i digress. i’ve been inspired, and i’ve been told that this thought is a weapon and its ammunition is the voice to reveal it’s some gift of the gap, a trap, I appeal the decision for you ration your rationalism, spread too thin to comment but I realize that guns serve best pointed at the ones holding and the gap, well it’s a fucking ravine and i’m drowning in it. having to sleep to a head in chorus and in cry the alcohol helps it stop, temporarily pause, distill, dilute, comply but most nights these days i’m dry and i’m dreaming of better times, better places, more liquor in my drawer but i continue to wake to our current state and current current events and the stench of my un-recycled page and sweatshop-made pen. and i mention them because in every torn nation and through every impoverished people the boys have it better than girls who bear the brute of an already blunt butt. and i’m not saying i’d rather none make do i’m just questioning the mentality that equates this equality. and i’m no feminist. i’m barely feminine, in quotes. but i do hope the first term did not stem from the latter since that would render both words unjustified to my vagina. maybe perhaps that’s my soul agenda to say the word real loud in public – vagina vagina vagina. Contradiction IV: Adrianna Tan This originally appeared on Popagandhi, and is a part of our series of publishing the works read at Contradiction this year. Why I am Still a Feminist by Adrianna Tan I am still a feminist because I am no longer ashamed of saying I am one. I have grown tired for apologizing for so many of the things I am: for being liberal, lesbian, anti-Bush and anti-war, a Christian that hates the fundamentalists. Anymore to apologize for, and I may have to apologize for being Chinese. I was feminist before I was lesbian. I was feminist before I was liberal. I was feminist before I knew feminism had become synonymous with ‘bra burning’ and ‘aggressive’ (I like my bras too much, and I prefer to be passive-aggressive). I was feminist the moment I was acutely aware that being a girl meant there were many things I could not do, and so much more I was expected to. The first feminist I knew was my father, who taught me I must never bow to the demands of any man, and must never let any man suppress my intellect or free will. He must have known I was a feminist from the time I was 4, when, I did not believe the distribution of potato chips was fair and equal, and demanded he demonstrate by bringing out actual weighing scales, that I had as much as my male brothers and cousins. In primary school, I was an avid soccer player. About as good as the boys, the boys told me. I played every recess time and after school, every day. I was the midfielder with stamina, who was fast as well and was everywhere and anywhere on the pitch at all times. Good enough, that the boys thought nothing of inserting me into their ambitious tournament plans for the next few years: we were a team. I started the first match in the tournament with the brand new soccer boots I paid for myself. At half time, the referee — his name was Mr Azman — said I couldn’t play, ever again. Even though this was an informal tournament in school, with no rulebook or precedents, he said that’s just the way it is: no girls allowed. By the time I was 18, I thought I already had a pretty good grip on the “girl” issue. During one class debate, a member of the opposition made a disparaging remark about how sometimes rape victims “were just asking for it”. Livid, I made a comment which led him to say: “Let’s go outside, I’ll show you how good it is to be raped.” This same person is on his way to becoming a lawyer, and I fear. I’m turning 21 this year and while I don’t play soccer anymore, as a photographer I’m told “they want guys, because they look more like photographers”, as a Mac Evangelist in retail I’m told they “want to consult the guys”, even though I know as much. Guys still hit on my girlfriend in front of me because I evidently don’t count and I’m not the real thing; if I’m opinionated, I’m being either aggressive or emotional, and if I’m stoic, I’m heartless. As a member of the majority race and male, you may not believe it when I say that sexism is alive and well, because you have never encountered it. You see female managers and female CEOs, females in positions above you, and you fear for your male superiority. What you don’t see is the sacrifice only women are made to make when they choose career, how they could be similarly qualified and similarly excellent or better leaders, yet climb slower and earn less, how if they are assertive they are aggressive female bosses, how if they are not then they are ineffectual leaders and submissive. What you don’t see is how she had to fight hard for most things that come easily to you. As a member of the majority race and male, you sat next to me in school today at the library cafe, talking about how your girlfriend is not as loud as pornstars when you “fuck her”, wondering if that’s because “she doesn’t know how to express her pleasure”, then your friends all started talking about blowjobs and said in no unclear terms, that the world revolves around “your cocks”. I will continue to be a feminist until the day my classmates are not seen as objects, whose pleasure is necessarily held up against porn industry ideals, until the day their pleasure is not dictated by the selfish dicks they date. As a member of the majority race and male, you fathered one of my closest friends. When your daughter complained to you that she used to be touched inappropriately by your friend’s son, when your daughter discussed with you the topic of male infidelity, you laughed and said, “We’re men, we’re like that.” I will continue to be a feminist until the day every father stands up for their daughter’s rights, the way my father does. As a member of the majority race and male, everything you might be culpable for is “because she asked for it.” Can’t have children? She must be infertile. Want to use condoms? Only if she pays for it. She doesn’t seem to like sex with you? There must be something wrong with her. Pregnant? She sleeps around. Sex video spreads on the internet? It’s her morals. Lesbian? They haven’t met the right man, and you just might be the one. I will continue to be a feminist until the day my friends’ fathers stop explaining away their affairs based upon what their wives supposedly lack. So when you say, those feminists, in the same breath as those nazis, those communists, those crazy bra burning women, you need to know that the object of our hatred is never men — it is what some men do to us. I will continue to be a feminist until the day my uncle in the flesh and blood stops being an asshole, and his immigrant wife is not afraid to divorce him and press charges. I will continue to be a feminist until it is realized that while it is best for every child to have his mother and father, if the father is a dangerous man he has to be kept away from her beautiful young children before he does any permanent damage. I will continue to be a feminist until it is realized the existence of many good men does not mean it is irrelevant to be a feminist. They are our fathers, our boyfriends and husbands, our sons. All it takes is just one man, that isn’t good, to destroy the lives of too many women around the world, and among us now. This is why I will remain a feminist, I’m not apologetic for it, I won’t burn my bra, I don’t hate you, and no, you can’t watch either. Contradiction IV: Zhuang Yisa We shall be publishing the works read by the speakers at Contradiction IV in a series. We thank all the writers for allowing us to do so! Both these poems are by Zhuang Yisa. The Tough Guys It is a serious matter. This spying from behind a shower curtain, across the ginger corridor of desire. It is real business, and only real men do it: show me what you have, and what I show you will leave a bittersweet aftertaste in your mouth. An open mouth begs the question: what makes us real, as men? You steal a glance in the sauna, at the stud’s towel-clad reserve, to observe the stoic, unreciprocated silence that might answer the question for you. Ask and thee shall receive. A hunter’s credo. The waiting isn’t ritual; it is mental. Out of the gym we carry weights. We are the tough guys. We are the soldiers, the husbands, the fiancés, the boyfriends and the secret lovers bracing our souls, to march on under a sky willed cloudless into monochrome, blue as soap held in a dispenser, pressed disinterestedly by so many hands. Dog Lover The best breeders love their dogs to the point of exclusion of even the slightest possibility of loving another human. They are at one with their dogs; they cannot tell what is worth loving beyond the merits of their own species except, perhaps, this potential in the rest: the ease of being manipulated, bought over by blind devotion to the superiority of their breed. Knowing this, I followed you home. Knowing what I knew then, I put a leash over every resistance in my body, and put it in a cage; I pushed the key into your hand, then lay next to you: we spent the night in the hot stench of dogs not knowing if the night would outlive either of us should we bare our teeth and bark. Dear Singapore This poem was written by a Guest Writer, Judith Sarah Dear Singapore, Do you know who I am? Perhaps you already know me By my name, and 7-digit ID But I guess that’s where your knowledge ends… So well Hello, I’m on a mission. To help you understand That I will be who I am; So please Singapore, just listen. ___ I’m a girl birthed from your Singaporean soil Right into your ideal Singaporean family- 2.2 children, HDB flat, parents, And of course, bill-paying perennially. I’ve spent a lifetime going to your best schools, Won all your book prizes, and scholarship money; Now at eighteen, and none the wiser, But somehow with you, I’m still quite happy. I’m the girl who used to think That you and I were through, But who now just can’t help writing To you, about you, for you. ___ But really, who am I to you? You scrutinize me through your prescribed glasses, In this great nation of myopia; You ruthlessly label me a criminal, In this law-and-order-Utopia. So to you I am simply that delinquent Who craves cigarettes and thrives on rage; Who somehow managed to break 5 of your laws, Before her legal age. You see me as one who can never fit Into your perfect mould of ‘living’; The woman who may never bear you Those children you’ve been so badly craving. To you, I will always be the eroder of your social fabric. I want to love you, Singapore. But can you ever love me back? yOUThere! tags: gay, lesbian, singapore, youth Indignation 2008: A Closure Indignation 2008 season is now over - all good things must come to an end - and at the end of yet another successful pride month, Sayoni would like to thank all its supporters and volunteers who have worked tirelessly to make our events possible. We would like to thank, as well, all the people who turned up at the events and made it vibrant. Here’s wishing for another year of progress! tags: 2008, gay, lesbian, pride, queer, sayoni, singapore, indignation An Indian Among Indians I wish I could write this in the nature of some undercover spy report, or even a fascinating account of some rare new species by a researcher. While it feels like I am doing something of the sort, the subjects of my article are far from treason-committing criminals or an animal species. They are a bunch of queer women of Indian origin, a group of girls in an educational institution unnamed, brought together through to a weird gravitational force yet unaccounted for by the laws of physics. How did I get to know these girls? Quite honestly, mainly through an ex-partner. For one and a half years, I have been hearing reports of these women and their exploits from more than one source, and met a couple of members on occasion. But last week was the first time I met them en masse, a mass of black-and-brown skinned girls (to be quite politically correct, boys too, but we shall get to that later), representing maybe half this unique sub-culture. Sitting down with them at a coffeeshop was an experience in itself. In my life, hanging out with more than two other Indian people at a time can only happen when I am visiting my best friend’s family (a pleasant experience) or forced to visit Planet India by my parents, namely their family friends (a not-so-pleasant one). It is an odd thing for someone who originally came from India, but I can offer no explanation for this phenomenon. I am by no means unappreciative of Indian culture and life, but it is a private matter unto myself and generally unexpressed in terms of my social circle or activities. Most of them are Tamil-speaking, though there is a token Punjabi (or as I called her, Funjabi) and my ex-partner, of mixed ethnicity. Due to my interesting childhood, I have the gift of understanding three Indian languages, so I am able to laugh at their banter in bastardised Tamil while my ex-partner glowers at them and demands they speak English or translate for her. The second defining moment about the experience was that it was a substratum of people my parents would decidedly be horrified by, should they ever learn my association with them. It was definitely a substratum that I would be horrified by too, 2 years ago, but age has taught me tolerance by a small measure. Those who live in Singapore would be familiar with the phrase ah beng - these girls would certainly be classified by most as the Indian equivalent - anjadi. Not so much gangsterish as being decidedly laisse faire about life, smoking like chimneys and drinking like fish (they demolished 2 beer bottles per half an hour). Karan* exhorts me to stay longer around 6pm, and I wonder whether I should visit a doctor to have my lungs cleansed after further hours of exposure to passive smoke from 8 people. A few of them had decided to skip school for the afternoon, after having started drinking at midnoon. In the more sober moments, I hear snatches of conversation about what university they are going to go to in Australia, and the courses they might take. They are a culture unto themselves, not so much lawless as law-indifferent (I highly doubt they have done anything illegal or questionable). I have it on the best authority that a week would not go by without them hitting at least one club or bar, and hardly gay clubs at that - nah, those are too tame for them. They pick up women at straight bars and clubs, almost effortlessly, it would seem, without a need to communicate or think about their sexual orientation. Never chinese women, but women of all other ethnicities - Malay, Indian, Eurasian, mixed, lie before them as a field of possibility. They are unashamedly lesbian, that’s one thing I noticed. Hardly any of them present here have had prior heterosexual encounters (though I know it to be different for the entire group of them, for the girls who are not there), a fact that came spilling out when playing the infamous “I’ve Never” game, and I blushed under their reproving glances after I had to drink to “I’ve never had sex with a man”. They must have thought I was a swinging straight girl, though the truth could not be farther away from that. You see, I have not yet revealed my unacceptable activist leanings to any of them, wisely choosing not to other myself even more than I already was, being a shade lighter-skinned, femme, from-an-elite-school, tertiary-educated (or rather, in the process of being so) upper middle-class girl. I share the same ethnicity and sexual orientation as these girls, but I might as well have been a green-skinned martian for all the belonging I felt there. Not that they weren’t nice to me, a relative stranger to the group by far. They don’t know it, but I know a lot about their histories within the group - all it took was a few people to loosen their tongues, and a fun afternoon spent carefully drawing up a simile of the L Word chart for these girls, with a couple of group-members I had met 7 months ago. I still preserve that chart (which happens to rival the L Word Chart in its complexity and incestuousness) and treat it with more confidentiality than I would a future client’s file. It was scary how complicated that Chart was, and even scarier to see my name buried in the web, strategically connected to my ex-partner. Most importantly, it was the number of Indian queer women implicated, within that small group - many many more than the number of women I was hanging out with at the coffeeshop, mostly from that particular education institution. We had not even started on documenting the Chinese or Malay queer women, who surely existed and were intertwined within that web somewhere. They are surely fond of each other, I can tell. Today was a slightly special occasion, it seemed, because it was one of the girls’ birthday. (Though I am not sure the drinking had anything to do with that, because they already had a huge celebration planned on Saturday, they assured me) They hug each other without reserve, the “brothers” of the group extremely comfortable displays of affection with each other. Friendly flirting was rampant and unremarkable. At least two members of the group are visibly butch/FTM. One of them, Hari*, I know to be a  pre or post-FTM, from the gossip prior to this meeting, the other, Jaya*, I had just met, and took a slight umbrage when I accidentally referred to him as a her. He was nice enough to correct me gently later though, instead of scolding me. There are a thousand questions I am dying to ask, but hold back for the fear of scaring them away. I wonder how their families have reacted to their visible transformation, to their obvious masculinity. I wonder whether Jaya are really going for the operation or staying in the grey area of masculine identification with a female body, given I knew he used the Ladies Toilet earlier, but Hari used the Men’s one. Giri is an another one, with an androgynous body  and mannerism - violating my stoutly-held belief that Indian girls could not “do” andro to save their lives. They are remarkably at ease with their gender identity, despite, I am sure, having read none of the literature or debates, and Jaya even remarking that “gender didn’t mean anything”. A sub-culture unto themselves, a sub-community held together by the fragile or strong - I can’t tell - bonds of ethnic and sexual difference. I am sure none of them really care about rights or the community as a whole, about feminism, about the struggles faced by us and our gay brothers in the face of discriminatory legislation. But they are happy, free from any legal blight, self-contained, if not a little dysfunctional when it comes to relationships (this judgment I make knowing all the things I can’t reveal here), not having a role model or an ideal to look towards. I do not know what their career aspirations are, whether they are going to do the best they can, or settle for mediocrity. I was an Indian among Indians, and I walked away with a renewed appreciation of not my Indianness, but my own group of friends, mostly concentrated within Sayoni. I could not have found a group more different, even compared to the Indian girls I know of. Perhaps it is a result of class and economic differentiation, enmeshed by the strict streaming in the education system. Perhaps I will spend time with them again. When my lungs finally recover. *All names have been changed to protect privacy tags: indian, lesbian, singapore, queer Outline of “Brain Surgery” talk Here’s the outline for “Brain Surgery: What’s in the minds of homophobes?” How the term “homophobia” came about: In 1972, at the onset of the stonewall rebellion [July 1969], George Weinberg coined “homophobia”. He defined it as “the dread of being at close quarters with homosexuals.. The revulsion toward homosexuals and often the desire to inflict punishment as retribution”. Mark Freedman later described it as “an extreme rage and fear reaction to homosexuals”. Poet Audre Lorde’s definition in 1978 was, “fear of feelings of love for members of one’s own sex and therefore hatred of those feelings in others”. The definition of “homophobia”: Homophobia has little in common with other types of phobia. It should be seen in the framework of prejudice (attitudes) and discrimination (behaviors). Researchers who published papers in recent years generally define it along the lines of prejudice, hatred or contempt towards lesbian and gay people [with extension to other sexual minorities]. ————— “Common types” of homophobes: In these few slides, i put down examples that i have read of, seen, heard of or experienced e.g. gay bashers. ————— Wright, Adams and Bernat’s homophobia scale: You can access the scale from here. There are other scales measuring homophobia such as “The Attitudes Toward Gay Men Subscale” and “The attitudes towards lesbian women subscale”. *Please note that scales are not just any set of questions put together. Scales are developed and rigorously tested by statisticians so that they measure what they are supposed to measure. Not just by face validity [i.e. the questions "look okay"], but with convergent and divergent validity [it correlates highly with other scales measuring similar things and correlates lowly with scales that measures dissimilar things], consistency [the items are tapping onto the same concept] etc. One item does not give you a meaningful score, answers to all items in a scale are required to compute a score. Not every researcher uses scales… simply because scales are not developed for every concept out there.* ————— Profile of the homophobe: Next, i discussed the article which was used in the anti-repeal of 377A. The reference: Detenber, B. H., Genite, M., Ku, M. K. Y., Ong, C. P. L., Tong, H. Y., & Yeow, M. L. H. (2007). Singaporeans’ attitudes towards lesbians and gay men and their tolerance of media portrayals of homosexuality. Internal journal of public opinion, 19(3), 367-379. From this article, someone made the conclusion that Singapore is not ready for the repeal of 377A [377A criminalize sex between gay men] because 68.6% expressed negative attitudes, 22.9% expressed positive attitudes, 8.5% were neutral. The participants for this study were acquired randomly and the demographics profile was similar to that of the general population. But if you read the study for yourself, the study is actually seeking predictors of negative attitudes towards lesbian and gay people. Guess what they found? There are 3 tables in the journal article. Table 1 displayed results showing predictors. Using correlation, they found that age [older], income [lower], education [lower], conformity to norms [more conformist] and intrinsic religious orientation [versus extrinsic religious orientation] correlate highly with poor attitudes towards LG people. The highest correlation going to intrinsic religious orientation [IRO]. Intrinsic religious orientation is defined as “seeing religion as a driving force in life”. Using regression, which estimates the unique contribution of each predictor, marital status [these people were significantly older] and IRO were the strongest predictors. In the second table, the researchers showed that Christians scored the highest in IRO, followed by Muslims, Buddhists and free-thinkers. In the third and last table, the researchers showed that Christians and Muslims were less tolerant compared to Buddhists and freethinkers. Essentially, the researchers are saying that intrinsic religious orientation is the biggest predictor of negative attitudes towards LG people. And they showed that people of certain religions were more likely to be intrinsically religious and hence more likely to be anti-gay. Adding to the study above [continuing on the profile of the homophobe]: 1. Male Majority of gay bashers are in their teens or early twenties. Some have said that anti-gay violence is a control of manhood. Researchers have also shown that men who endorse homophobic and sexist items are likely to endorse hegemonic masculinity items. 2. Heterosexist Heterosexism is the belief in the superiority of heterosexuals or heterosexuality evidenced in the exclusion, by omission or design, or non heterosexual persons in policies, procedures, events or activities. 3. Misogynistic Researchers found links between homophobic violence and violence against young women. Those with traditional gender role attitudes tend to express higher levels of homophobia. 4. Authoritarian Authoritarians have been described as “self righteous individuals who maintain a strong acceptance of traditional values and norms, possess a general willingness to submit to authority, and display a general tendency to aggress against others (especially those who threaten their conventional and traditional values)”. It has been suggested that there is an underlying trait called “Conservatism”. Conservatism is linked to “national strength and order”. Order, discipline and striving to be successful and powerful. Outcomes of behavior important. Societal norms should be obeyed. Conservatism has been linked to racism [e.g. lack of support for benefits for Australian Aborigines], sexism [e.g. lack of support for increased job options for women], greater acceptance of rape myth [i.e. rape victims deserve to be raped], lack of support for income redistribution, religious intolerance, homophobia etc. ————— Homophobia may lead to violence. A study: Homophobia and physical aggression toward homosexual and heterosexual individuals. Journal of Abnormal Psychology. 110(1), 179-187. Basically participants played a game in which winners administer shocks to losers. Shock intensity and shock duration were measured. The gist of this study is easy to understand. Aggression against gay people may be powered by anger-hostility [angry, irritable, hostile, scornful, disgusted and loathing] and anxiety. Negative affect [afraid, ashamed, distressed, guilty, jittery, nervous, scared, upset...] was not found to be a contributing factor. Some people pointed out that non-homophobic participants end up shocking their opponents more. Well, the difference for non-homophobic participants is very small like 0.16 seconds. For homophobic participants, the difference is about 1.00, which is many times more. Homophobic participants not only shock “homosexual” confederate more, they also shock the “heterosexual” confederate longer and harder than their non-homophobic participants counterparts [using mean]. ————— Combating homophobia No one is born homophobic… homophobia is learned. Through direct observation, imitation… participation in rewarding interactions and experience of differential treatment. And after it is learned, homophobia is sustained by the functions it serves. The functional approach says that people hold attitudes because of the psychological function or need that they satisfy. For example: to make sense of the world, to relate and maintain relationships with others, to protect the self from own homoerotic feelings, to maximize rewards and minimize punishments. Some ways of combating homophobia: 1. Pointing out inconsistencies E.g. Correcting myths [Those who perceive the issue as extremely important to themselves are unlikely to change.] 2. Introducing new perspectives E.g. Introducing gay friends if that’s an area that they are not sure about. It’s somewhat like correcting myths in a non-verbal way. 3. Providing substantiated information Only works for those who are willing to think or assess the quality of their perspective’s assumptions and arguments carefully. 4. The contact hypothesis Equal status contact between gay and non-gay people. 5. The media The reference: Remembering Gay/Lesbian Media Characters: Can Ellen and Will Improve Attitudes toward Homosexuals? Bonds-Raacke, Cady, Schlegel, Harris & Firebaugh (2007) In the experiment, one group of participants was asked to recall a positive portrayal of a gay/lesbian character on TV or movie, while another group was asked to recall a negative portrayal. Will [from Will and Grace] and Ellen Degeneres were mentioned most frequently. When a character was portrayed positively, participants perceived character’s friends as more accepting of her/his homosexuality. It was also found that attitudes towards gay men improved through positive portrayal priming. ————– * Special thanks to Kai for coming up with the graphics for this talk; to pleinelune for being a dedicated mouse-clicker; to Kelly for organizing this; Alex Au for the catchy title of the talk [i first entitled it blandly as "homophobia"]; photographers [humph and edshutter] and to everyone from Irene’s gang of helpers who came down to run the event… last of all, friends who supported me one way or another. Thank you. Indignation 2008: Queer Women within Feminist Singapore Ms. Constance Singam, current president of AWARE, Singapore’s leading advocacy group for gender equality, will shed some light on the place of queer women within the feminist movement. Where have we been? She will speak about political and historical context, difficulties negotiating for respect and diversity, her personal experiences and the future. Find out more about the feminist movement in Singapore and our part in it. About Constance Singam Constance is well-known for being an active and vocal social activist and feminist. She has two degrees in Literature, including an MA. Her recent publications include “A History of the TWC: Building Social Space in Singapore” and the essay “Quietly Resisting; Silently Subverting: The Wayward Ways of Singapore Women” (Postmodern Singapore, Select Publishing). She was a co-editor of the book “Re-Presenting Singapore Women” (Landmark Publications). Her social contributions were as Founding Member of TWC1, TWC2, and MediaWatch and as the Past President of SCWO. Constance was a Columnist in several publications, including “Her World” and “Today” and held AWARE presidency for two terms prior to the present one: 1987-1989, 1994-1996, 2007-present. About AWARE AWARE is Singapore’s leading advocacy group dedicated to promoting gender equality and understanding. Since its inception in 1985, AWARE has brought women’s perspectives to national issues and has focused on Research & Advocacy, Educational Programs, and Direct Services. AWARE seeks to identify areas for improvement in gender equality, encourage positive change and support women in realising their highest potential. It believes that gains made by women are not gains made at the expense of men. Rather, they are gains which benefit families and society as a whole. AWARE is a not-for-profit non-governmental organisation and is funded solely by donations, grants, and member subscriptions. Date: Saturday, 16 August 2008 Time: 7:30 pm Venue: 72-13 tags: aware, feminism, indignation, lesbian, singapore, queer Indignation 2008: Brain surgery - what’s inside the heads of homophobes? “It’s so disgusting to see two men getting intimate!” “Lesbian sex is unfathomable…” “Homosexuals shouldn’t exist on this planet.” Which of these statements is/are homophobic in nature? AnJ Ho will take you inside homophobia, to find out from the perspective of research: What constitutes homophobia? What’s the profile of a typical homophobe like, and what might make a difference? AnJ undertakes research at a local tertiary institution. Her research interests revolve around social psychology. Date: Tuesday, 12 August 2008 Time: 7:30 pm Venue: 72-13 Sayoni Hot 20 List 2008: Results! The wait is over! This entire process of nomination and voting has been really fun for all of us here (except the ones who has to count the votes). Much hair was torn by the voters in trying to decide the ranking, and much debate over the type of women we nominate. But for this year, this is it! Queer women have spoken their mind, and until next year, these women are our queens. And did we mention that some of the queens have given their much-surprised responses to the ranking? Without further adieu… ranked first is….. [insert drumroll] 1. Rebecca Tan It is not just that Rebecca is a complete girl-loving-girl, and unafraid to be out and about in the scene. With her Pan-Asian heritage and perfect features, there is not much of a question why we all like to keep looking at Rebecca Tan. In fact, we expect the traffic on this page to stop right at this photograph. All hail Rebecca! Rest of the rankings can be found after the break: 2. Vernetta Lopez Why do we love V Lo? It is not just that she’s got a cute dykey haircut that she pulls off better than most dykes, or her mixed-ethnicity beauty… she’s a great comedic actress, a DJ, an independent businesswoman with multiple successful ventures (including a wedding planner), and to top it all off, she appeared as a lesbian in The Leap Years. We all hope to have our wedding planned by her, someday. 3. Glenda Chong Award-winning news presenter Glenda Chong is perhaps one of the few reasons queer women would want to watch the depressing news on TV. Her smile, combined with her somewhat dykey vibes, takes the edge off the news about tsunamis and rising prices. 4. Pamela Oei Pam Oei’s sway over queer women is undefinable and impossible to express in words. The least we can come up with while drooling over her, is her amazing acting skills, her strong independent personality, her comedic genius, her beauty… oh just forget it and continue drooling already. 5. Denise Keller Whether she is living it up with Dick Lee or breaking men’s hearts on TV, Denise Keller is definitely easy on the eyes, and more than charming. 6. Suzanne Jung Ki Eng Suzanne, the lovely Korean beauty in Primetime Morning lights up our mornings in more than one way, with her lovely smile and demeanour. We are pretty sure half our readers want to take her home and serve her tea - and we just heard a “Ramen” to that. 7. Ovidia Yu Ovidia Yu is the living breathing proof that older women can be sexy too, and what’s even sexier than that, is being an out lesbian playwright, her latest contribution to the community being Hitting (on) Women. Did we mention she does Yoga to get that sexy body too? “Wow… I’m thrilled on behalf of all older women!” — Ovidia 8. Tanya Chua Singer. Acoustic Guitar. That outfit. Need we say more? 9. Jasmine Seah A hot poet - what more can you ask for? When Jasmine burst on to the queer female consciousness at Contradiction (an Indignation 2007 event) with her sweet, romantic poetry, what was louder than the applause was the sounds of the collective lesbian heart melting to the ground. “Anything to say? Uh…. Suddenly I feel the pressure to update my facebook profile pic?” 10. Janice Koh Move over, Linda Liao… Janice Koh was the woman who caught the collective queer female eye when she played a (somewhat dykey looking) demanding Advertising Executive on Chase. And with her subsequent brilliant performance in Hitting on Women as the vulnerable lesbian recovering from an abusive relationship, cemented her status as a lesbian icon forever. Her toned arms (and legs, and abs and everything else) make us all want to sign up for Yoga classes too. Wow, I’m flattered…I mean, flabbergasted! I don’t have much to say really, except that I’m terribly honoured. — Janice 11. Yeo Yann Yann Besides being a leading actress in Singapore Theatre, and also with movies like Singapore Dreaming and 881 under her belt, Yann Yann is also a certified cunninglinguist(not that kind, you perv) - in addition to being flawless in English and Mandarin, she can speak several dialects and Malay. 12. Sylvia Lim Oh, where do we start with Sylvia Lim, who is not only one of the few women in politics, but also one of the few opposition politicians. Sylvia mesmerises us all with her guts to stand up to the ruling party, as well as her powerful performance in parliament as a NCMP. Did we mention she used to be a policewoman? 13. Beatrice Chia There are simply no words to describe the overpowering charm of Beatrice. She is a force of nature in her own right, a trail blazer for women directors and producers, and a most accomplished and trained actress. We love not just her beauty, but her free and daring attitude towards everything, especially sex and sexuality. Beatrice is indeed a woman’s woman. 14. Eleanor Wong Eleanor takes a special spot in the collective lesbian heart, being an out lesbian playwright and writing kick-ass plays like the lesbian lawyer trilogy and The Campaign to Confer the Public Star on JBJ. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg… when she’s not being a brilliant lawyer, she is coaching students in the ways to become a brilliant lawyer., and making wearing black top and blue jeans every single day look sexy. Oh go ahead and swoon over the sizzling combination of looks and brains already. “Please thank your readers. Considering that I’ve never been in the running for temperature-based rankings ever, #14 is literally a 1st for me :-). Now to figure out how to work the thermostat….” — Eleanor 15. Loretta Chen If openly queer female playwrights are rare, even rarer are openly queer female directors. Not only does Loretta Chen pack a directorial punch, she is also a great actress, and to top it all off, is doing a PhD on lesbian theatre. Brains, talent and looks? Nom nom nom… “Thank you for voting me - this is a huge surprise and it is an honour and a pleasure to be voted by members of our community. I hope to be able to do more to help increase lesbian visibility and above all, strive to be even “hotter” next year! And oh, please come and watch The Vagina Monologues playing at the Drama Centre Oct -12 - its girls galore, babes to look out for, and much girlie SEXY fun! Get ready, get set, get wet!” — Loretta 16. Tan Pin Pin Pin Pin is one of few female film-makers in the male-dominated industry, and of course, her handsome androgynous looks just endear themselves to queer female fans. This is so great, I am extremely flattered. Thank you very much! — Pin Pin 17. Michelle Chia Michelle Chia is the hottest new thing on local TV, and just looking at her, there is not much doubt why she is the newest hot thing for us either. Smart, sexy, charming and a good actress to boot. What else can anyone ask for? 18. Jade Seah Completely self-explanatory, really. Jade Seah simply rocks that somewhat dykey outfit, and makes us all want to head out to the beach for some sporty fun (preferably with her). 19. Catherine Lim Dr Catherine Lim is perhaps one of the most awesome Singaporean women alive today. In addition to writing numerous provocative fiction books harshly illuminating the traditional Chinese culture, she is also one of the few people to go up against the Singapore government publicly and (metaphorically) live to tell the tale. We are pretty sure many of our readers want to be her Bondmaid forever. I’m both surprised and delighted to be among the 20 Sayoni Hot 20 list, and thank all those who voted for me. Continue to affirm your identity with confidence and pride! — Catherine 20. Stefanie Sun Stefanie Sun is one of the few people who put Singapore on the map, with her success in the music industry. And of course, her androgynous, spunky look just endears her to queer female fans. Indignation 2008: Tong bu Tong 2 - Another Tribe MDA rating: M18 This year, we are bringing back a classic which explores gay issues in Singapore Chinese theatre. Performed in 1992, Another Tribe was written by Otto Fong and is the first local Chinese play to explore gay issues. The original cast, Jackie Liu and Kevin How will be reading for their own roles from over 10 years ago. Together with Otto Fong and the director Kok Heng Leun, they will be present to share with the audience their experiences and thoughts while embarking on such a taboo topic at that time. Renowned writer and playwright Quah Sy Ren will also be on the panel to comment on the play as critic and audience. Performed in Mandarin. Date: Wednesday, 6 August 2008 Time: 7:30 pm Venue: 72-13 Read the interview with Otto and Jackie on this play, published by Lianhe Zaobao. Indignation 2008! Singapore’s 4th annual Pride Season is coming again - in August 2008 There are talks and forums, art and literature, and of course, fun social and outdoor events - for learning, celebrating and building bridges with those outside our communities. So please keep your evenings free in August and come to as many as you can. All events are free of charge unless otherwise stated. Sayoni will also be hosting our own events during Indignation. Please check out the full list of events HERE. I’m A Believer Image Copyright of Sayoni Love. Amour. Pyaar. Ai. No matter what language, what culture, the L word dominates our thinking, our lives, the media. Finding (and keeping) love, is the universal theme that connects humankind. It might be partly the fault of media, that we have been absorbed into the myth of “love”. It begins with fairytales as a kid, when the Prince falls in love with the beautiful princess, and they live happily ever after. Then the movies, songs, which all seem to speak of this. Love has a powerful grip on the human imagination and consciousness, to the point where we almost seem obsessed with it. Love has a special place in the queer culture, because it is the chief, if not  only justification for our existence. If procreation was the only object of human existence, then we can’t exist. But humans are built for more than procreation, we are built to find affection and happiness. Love is the shield we use against religious fundamentalists - how can anyone question two people in love, or deny them the right to? Love is the reason we decide to live against societal norms. But I, stand to question this “love”. I do not deny it exists, I do not deny that people feel it, or that it can be real or true. I do not question that we can be extremely happy spending time with the people we love. Love is, after all, no matter how much may be written about it, a chemical reaction, a firing of synapses, in our brains. Every emotion we feel is, for that matter. If our emotions are real, so is love. Then what am I questioning? I am questioning, here, the power of love. I am questioning the axiom that love can overcome anything, is more important than anything, is the ultimate ideal we need to strive for. I am taking the bold step of slaughtering the sacred cow of Love, if not for anyone but myself. As much as love makes people happy,  it makes fools of us all, even the best of us. Love leads to irrationality, self-deception and bad decisions - do not tell me that none of you have never made a bad decision when in love. Love makes people stay in abusive relationships, endure bad treatment, try to keep failing relationships afloat, hang on when there is no hope in sight. More importantly, I am questioning the assumption that love is necessary for a relationship, or to find your life-partner. It was an axiom I was questioning for a while, and my disbelief became complete, when ironically, I recently watched the season finale of A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila. Watching her make the same mistake twice, makes me realise that in the search for that perfect love, we overlook the search for our perfect mate. Not that I believe there is a “perfect mate” - there can be close approximations, but nothing more. Love and relationship CAN exist without each other. You can love someone, but not be in a relationship with them, and you can be in a relationship with someone, but not be in love with them (to add another dimension to the situation, you can be not in love with them, but maybe still love them). The mistake that most of us make is that we assume that when love happens, the natural consequence is a relationship, and should be, and should be what we work towards. Sometimes it is just not possible to have a relationship with the person you love, whether it be reciprocal or not. The woman you love deeply could be an unstable, cheating drug-addict. Or maybe she is commitment-phobic. Or maybe she is a married woman with kids. Or maybe she is simply needy and clingy and impossible to live with. Maybe you have a fundamental personality mismatch. You get the idea - just because you love someone, does not mean you need to be with them. But I hear the objections now: how is a relationship possible without love? The concept that love is absolutely necessary for a relationship is a rather modern, and somewhat western, concept - for thousands of years, our ancestors have been conducting marriage and relationships without the need for such a device.  In some of these luckier arrangements, the parties eventually learn and love each other. Do not get me wrong: I am hardly advocating a return back to those days where you let your parents choose a mate - that would be ridiculous. However, my point is this: in doing all the choosing for yourself, and taking the extensive time to get to know the person beforehand, in this process, is being in love an absolutely necessary step? You can be really fond of that person, or simply love them, but is being “in love”, necessary? Ideally, you want to have both. Ideally, a strong love and a strong relationship go together, and that would be utopia. But I am sure all of us know that this is difficult, if not impossible to find. Secondly, in my experience, stability and passion rarely go together. Oh sometimes it does, and I am most certainly jealous of those lucky ones. The mad crazy passionate love that we are all looking for, often does not come paired with a stable, loving relationship. Often, it is either/or, or somewhere along the spectrum. But of course, being human, we pick the passionate and crazy, not the stable and maybe-not-so-intense ones, because the first appeals more to our short-term sensory experience, hardly thinking of the long-term plan (like Tila did. Twice.). In the end, I don’t believe in love. I believe in relationships. I don’t believe in finding the one true love - I believe in finding the one good relationship. I believe in finding someone whom you can have a good dynamic with, someone who makes you happy, someone who treats you well. I believe in finding personality fits, someone whom you can talk with even when the looks fade, and the sex ends.  I believe in holding on to a good relationship, with or without “love” (as we understand it), and working to maintain it. Love CAN accompany such a find, but only sometimes. When years into the relationship, the love fades, only the strength of the relationship can keep itself afloat. Love is fickle, and like I’ve said before, a chemical reaction. A relationship is a lot more solid, a lot more real, and it is what will carry you through till “Death do us part”. And of course, I know that they can come together, being surrounded by real-life examples. But for every single one of those success stories, there are a lot more stories of heartbreak and pain. I do realise this is a stand which can be easily misinterpreted for bitterness. It is after all, not fashionable to not believe in the power of love, and the ones who do not are clearly the “bitter singles”. But  I do to an extent - I humbly recognise the power of love over our emotions and actions. I acknowledge that the next time I fall in love, I clearly will not be rational, just like any other person. But I hope to have learned from my past lessons and hold on to this single piece of clarifying belief. I’m a Believer. But not in Love. Sexual gratification ≠ Sexual attraction “She just turned straight.” “She was straight… but now she’s with so-and-so…” I think it’s high time we differentiate sexual gratification from sexual attraction. With all the muddle over sexual orientation and its pervasive inaccurate conclusions, surely we need to know what we really mean when we use words like “gay” and “straight”? In the “ideal” world, people get attached to those they find physically attracted to. In the “ideal” world, people are sexually satisfied/gratified with someone they find physically attractive. Very ideal… But it doesn’t always happen that way. Sexual gratification… is just a fulfillment of your sex drive. We have all heard of sex drives. Those who say they don’t have it are either asexual, occupied/distracted/physically unwell or in huge denial. Sometimes people “self-help” by masturbation. Sometimes people use toys in their sexual activities with themselves or others. Sometimes people just have sex with other people. And then they become sexually gratified. No one has ever come up with a sexual orientation for those who have sex with toys. Like, “oh, you sleep with your toys? You are toy-sexual” or “touching yourself makes you narcissist-sexual”. So why is it that a woman who slept with a man is labeled “straight” automatically? Why do we brand women who slept with other women as “gay” immediately? What if she’s just “using” him/her for sexual gratification? I think lots of people just settle for sexual gratification. Like folks who tell me that partners who look too good give them insecurity. [Well lady/dude, if you looking good doesn't give her/him insecurity, what does that tell you about you?] Plenty of people say it’s more important to find someone you can “click” with than having a good-looking face. So there, emotional attraction is prized above physical attraction. Since sexual orientation is about physical attractiveness, i would hesitate to label a woman who receives sexual gratification from another woman she didn’t find physically attractive as “lesbian”. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why people make love in the dark. Maybe some people are not bi-curious or exploring their sexual orientation. Perhaps they are just interested in a wide array of sexual gratification methods/activities… tags: sexual attraction, sexual gratification, sexual orientation Obsessed with keeping your partner? In your love-drunken stupor (which you are stuck in), you linger on your partner of several months… … She’s altogether lovely, a goddess from the heavens… Sweet, loving, intelligent, possessing a zest for life… You think she’s the most beautiful girl you have ever seen. She’s everything you ever hoped for… your dream come true. And then you look at yourself… … “Blah! I am too chubby over here, my hair doesn’t look great… my career is not having the break through that I hoped for… Not good-looking enough, not successful sufficiently… I think I suck.” Very quickly, this spirals down into… “I don’t think I am good enough for her…” “… but I can’t live without her…” and so… “I am going to do whatever I can to keep her.” This includes restricting the number of people she will come into contact with (so that you can reduce the chances of her falling for someone else), curtailing her activities (so that you can reduce the possibility that she will meet new people… and hence reduce the chances of her falling for someone else), ensuring that you are the best among those she knows (so that she wouldn’t leave you for someone else). Affections + Focus on One’s imperfections = Fear and Insecurities Very quickly, affectionate thoughts of “she’s so lovely” flipped to thoughts of “is she thinking about leaving me?”, “she is so lovely, why would she want to be with me?” Ambiguous situations get reinterpreted in the light of “she thinks so-and-so is better than me” and “she thinks i am not good enough.” Eventually, even thoughts of her loveliness triggers poor self-evaluation. “I am just lucky that she picked me… very soon she will realize what a mistake she has made and she will leave me.” Fears and insecurities can insidiously destroy whatever joy you derive from your partner… and destroy her whatever joy she gets out of the relationship as she tries to navigates her words away from unseen land mines. Partners who have an intense fear of losing their partners tend to end up being controlling (whether directly or indirectly) and competitive. At its most extreme, these partners become unreasonably restrictive, stifling their loved ones. These partners may not have the intent to be controlling or competitive. It’s just a (poor) strategy naturally born out of insecurities and fears. Fear and Insecurities –> Controlling, restricting, competitive –> Stifled partner The thing to note is “perception”. Being in love comes with a rush of deep feelings that may not get abated quickly. We amorously view our partners through rose-tinted glasses. We are not blind… just selective in perception. If you are insecure, It would probably help to remove your goddess from the pedestal and see her as human- necessarily with beauty and flaws. At the same time, it’s time to lift yourself up from the dung pile and see your strengths as well, instead of focusing only on your weaknesses. It’s not about fooling yourself into thinking you are greater than you are; it’s about being objective. That said, it is not easy to eradicate insecurities and fears in the relationship. Once it hits a raw spot (i.e. an area where one has low self-esteem over), its roots can die hard. Partners of insecure folks have to do a dance of cooperation, with words of assurances uttered generously (assurances have to be believable). For instance, you can litter your partner’s day with words of affections. You can also refer to “The Honesty Policy” for more (crucial) advice. If you are suffering from insecurities and fears, do not be afraid to ask for assurances (we all need assurances at some point in our lives). However, do ask for assurance in a non-accusatory way. If you need to hear that you are loved, for instance, do not say, “You don’t really love me, do you? You didn’t tell me you love me today!” Express how you feel instead, like “I don’t really feel loved today.” And then offer your partner a solution, “I like it when you tell me you love me. It makes me feel loved.” Hopefully these insecurities and fears will be muted over time. tags: relationship insecurities Sayoni Hot 20 List 2008: Voting Closed! Voting is now officially closed for the Sayoni Hot 20 List 2008! We thank each and every person who voted. Results will be out within a couple of weeks! Meanwhile, tell your friends about the contest! Mum & Homophobia (Ignorance) I was off cycling with Mum at the beach… because she wanted my company. The weather was wonderful- neither sunny nor rainy. So we went on two separate bikes, much to my consternation. For she’s a slow cyclist. And i had to keep going at her snail pace. [Which i did. Mums get away with almost everything- in my case.]  The pleasant trip was tainted somewhat when she made a remark about how “lesbians won’t last in relationships” and cited how some of the tomboys she knew in her teenage years were later married to men. I happily told her that some of the lesbians i now know were married to men. It goes both ways. And they come with children from the straight marriage they had. This whole conversation started when i told her of my secondary school good friend, Clarise. She’s from China but brought up in Singapore. As a result, she had to contend with parents of a passe mentality. Her parents were stubbornly against her current boyfriend because she hadn’t asked for their approval before falling for him. [Please don’t tell me how dumb that is… i feel it in my little toes.] So, Mum was going, “I don’t understand Clarise’s parents. At least her daughter isn’t lesbian!...” “Ya Ma, i am the worst daughter.” And she lapsed into this verbal fit. “You don’t cherish your family like you should.” To which i retorted immediately, “Mum, we are at the beach cycling! I have other things i can do.” That did it. Because i am the only one that would go to the beach without complaints with her… in the family. My sister hated bugs of all sorts. I have an intense disdain for mosquito bites but that risk is worth taking for Mum’s happiness. [I was bitten by vicious mosquitoes four times during the trip… and i am still scratching!] And i certainly ain’t into slow cycling. I speed. The next thing we agrued about is: about how conservative society is and whether it should be. I had to tell her about the phenomenon in the world. Why are gay groups standing up for themselves world-wide? Just because she doesn’t know of them doesn’t mean such events ain’t happening. This little speech didn’t go down very well with Mum who sarcastically replied, “Ya, i know nothing… you know everything!” [I took this as “I don’t know what to say because i know nuts about what you just mentioned.”] Most absurd of all, she wanted to challenge me on my sexual orientation. “You aren’t lesbian. You made yourself lesbian so that you can enter this circle.” *Har?* I didn’t know i had such prowess as to amend my orientation! The ex-gays would recruit me and i would be paid $30 000- $50 000 for each person i managed to change. [I bet they are willing to part with that amount for all the condemnation sh*t they get from church.] I had to refrain from rolling my eyes. I am hedonic. Do you think i will be with women if i find no physical chemistry with them?! At the end of it all, Mum suggested a “truce”. Mum: “Just don’t tell me about it.” Me: “Then you won’t know about my life and what i am doing. What kind of a mother-daughter relationship is that?” She’s still in denial. It’s a little pussy-foot dance that she has been doing for the past few years. “Anj, i thought your Mum always get her way with you?” Not when it comes to fundamental aspects of me and for issues that are for the better good of other lives. People have killed themselves over homophobia [read: ignorance] and the resulting hostility directed at them. How can we condone this?  As a result, i refused to say that Dino’s girlfriend is only her friend. I say it as it is. Judy is my girlfriend. She’s not just a friend. And for every inaccurate remark Mum makes about homosexuality, i am quick to correct her with what i know from research and the news. That’s just the way it is. There has to be accountability to words. If education doesn’t start from my family and friends, i don’t know where it can. tags: singapore, coming out, homosexuality, lesbianism, family My aunt was at Sydney Mardi Gras ‘07 I had lunch with my aunt and uncle on Good Friday. This was different from the usual family lunch because there were only the three of us. After we ate, my uncle left first to go play golf, so my aunt and I continued chatting. Soon, and without warning, she turned the conversation to my Lesbianism. I breathed slowly and wondered where it was going. This uncle and aunt (my mother’s brother, and his wife) are the ones I am closest to because my sister and I used to live with them for a period of time. I came out to them just over a year ago. The way that they have reacted is that they still love me and treat me no different than they did before, but only now they pray for me more. They still think that being gay is a sin, but they continue to “Love the Sinner”. So, with this background, I was wondering how the conversation would go. She began by relating her experience at the Mardi Gras parade in Sydney this year. She and my uncle had gone to Sydney to visit my cousin who is in university there. Their visit had coincided with the Mardi Gras weekend, and because my uncle and another friend of theirs had never seen such a parade, they decided to watch it. My aunt then told me that she had once watched the Mardi Gras parade in Perth. At this point I was thinking “Wow, my aunt has been to more Mardi Gras parades than I have!” A few years ago, she was on holiday with her mother, visiting my sister who was then studying in Perth, and coincidentally their trip had been on the Mardi Gras weekend too. The three of them were having dinner in a restaurant which happened to be along the parade route and when it started they thought “Hey, let’s go see what it’s all about.” My aunt and my sister soon figured out it was a gay parade, but anyway they enjoyed the bright colours and decorated floats and lively atmosphere. Even my aunt’s mother had a good time, now and then she would ask my aunt in Cantonese why “the people were dressed so oddly”. Until now I had not known about this adventure of theirs, so I thought it was a very funny story. Then she began telling me about her more recent experience in Sydney this year. She was with my uncle, and they had a friend who lives in Sydney but has never seen the parade. So the three of them decided to go and watch it. They were standing near Hyde Park on the parade route waiting for it to start. Then, in trying to get to a better viewing spot, they walked down a side lane where there were many floats waiting for the cue. And as they walked past the floats with many people on board, my aunt started feeling very uneasy. She put it down to the fact that she does not like crowded noisy places. She continued to walk with my uncle and their friend, and while there were (of course) many guys showing off their chiseled bodies wearing only swimming trunks, she noticed that some of their trunks were printed with lewd and degrading words. The men and women on all the floats were obviously thoroughly enjoying themselves, and the air itself seemed to be thick with the carnival atmosphere. But to my aunt, it felt as if they were celebrating pure hedonism. It seemed to be indulgence with wanton abandon, to the point of debauchery and even humiliation. And she thought to herself that if this is what being gay is all about, she doesn’t want that for me. And after about ten more minutes, she felt so uneasy that she and my uncle had to leave the parade vicinity and find a quiet place to sit. While I was listening to her relating this experience, various thoughts were flitting through my mind. I thought of the debate in our own community about diversity, and about how society tends to label all queer people simply based on their perception of the small slice that they have heard about. They then develop stereotypes like “gay men all walk around in leather and PVC and are into S&M”. I also was thinking of the best response I should give, after hearing her tale. I know that she meant well towards me, but just slightly misguided and misinformed. I decided not to directly refute all her preconceptions and false premises. I knew that it would take more than just one afternoon of words and debate to tear down all the presuppositions that have been etched into her subconscious and unconscious mind. She said she can’t help thinking that in my life, I have been failed by too many men, and hence have turned to women. I let her talk, while in my mind I was asking God for strength and composure, and for answers. I wanted to know what lesson He planned for me to learn from this conversation with my aunt. I tried to keep my mind relaxed and open, instead of occupying brain cells with shooting up rebuttals to her points. She said that she and my uncle struggle with it, and that they have been praying for me. She believes that being gay is just a segment of my journey on earth, and that there must be a purpose for God “allowing me to be gay”. I do somewhat agree with her, in that it must be some part of God’s plan and that He does have a mission for me. I believe that He created me the way I am, and He is not simply “tolerating this gay phase that I have chosen to indulge in”. To me, being gay or straight or Chinese or female or tall or short is just secondary; it is more important to make the best use of the talents that God has blessed me with, to develop into the person that He wants me to become. She also said that she knows that I struggle with it too. Yes, it is true to a certain extent that I struggle with being a lesbian. But the struggle isn’t the “Is it right or wrong” issue. I struggle because my aunt struggles, because my uncle, my sister, and other people close to me struggle with it. I struggle and fight for their understanding and acceptance. I battle against their prejudices and convictions. My struggle comes about because this war has to be waged diplomatically and slowly and lovingly. They are my family, and it is very hard to fight with people you love and who love you. She told me that I am a beautiful person who loves life, but recently she feels that this spark has been hidden, and she thinks it is because I became a lesbian. I think that there is a simple explanation for this. Since I started identifying myself as lesbian, I have had to keep some aspects of my life a secret from other people. And with this cautious self-censorship, it would appear from the outside that I am more reticent and less forthcoming. When I am with family or colleagues, every word has been carefully planned and thoroughly filtered before being uttered. Also having seen more of the world and met more people, I am more wary and less spontaneous. She ended by saying that she and my uncle love me no less than they did before they knew about my gayness. I am thankful for this, that I do not have to prove that I am worthy of love. I am also thankful that they are open to talking about the whole gay issue. I have given them a couple of books which I hope they will read. And I will continue to live my life trying to listen for God’s prompting towards whatever direction that He has set out for me. tags: glbt, god love gays, perth, sydney, bigotry, christianity, coming out, discrimination, family, gay, homophobia, lesbian, mardi gras, lgbt Standing up for ourselves I was sitting in the auditorium of Peking University on a Sunday evening, and waiting for a film screening to begin. I glanced around casually while reading a book, and watched as the students entered alone, or in small groups, and taking their seats – chattering away or buried in their insatiable need to work on Mathematics problems constantly. Two days ago, I was loitering around in the campus of PKU, and I got a pamphlet handed to me as I walked past an area full of bazaar stalls. I looked up, and saw a fair bespectacled boy smiling at me. It was a gay documentary film screening organized by the Red Cross Society in PKU. The guy assured that non-students are welcomed too, and so I made a mental note to attend. (Never mind that I would have to go alone, as my only possible companion would be on the train back to Shanghai by then.) So here I am, sitting together with all the students, watching the jumbled conversations about casual sex and random relationships. The angle of the film wasn’t well-taken, and the entire editing felt too raw. I felt entirely perturbed by the generous portrayal of their drag antics, without making the effort to explore their mentality and their psychological needs. During the QnA session, there were participants raising various questions, from why the director decided to film this documentary to how he managed to join the gay community. My gaydar beeped occasionally. There was this young woman in her twenties who was claiming homosexuality is immoral and probably caused by failures in relationships or societal influence. I couldn’t stop rolling my eyes at that postulation. If this were true, I would have turned straight long time ago, given all the people who broke my heart (?!) were women. In fact, I found it rather bewildering that she felt so strongly against homosexuality, and she practically got all aggravated when the moderator of the discussion told her that they are hoping to push for same-sex marriage in China. The moderator of the discussion tried to explain to her that according to research, there is no evidence to show that homosexuality is due to upbringing or societal practices. The woman seems agitated and she kept urging the organizers to consider all the implications of endorsing homosexuality. I was incredibly annoyed by all the theoretical tone in this discussion, as if homosexuals are all hiding in a dark corner, waiting for others to determine whether it is moral to be gay. I raised my hand and spoke up, “I can verify what he said, that homosexuality is inborn, because I am gay myself. I did not turn gay because of failed relationships with men or societal factors. If you want proof, I am right in front of you now, and I am the proof.” A big round of applause broke out in the auditorium; I felt a bit taken aback and yet pleasantly surprised at this affirming response. That woman’s expression on her face was priceless. The discussion continued, with a slightly off-tangent debate about religions, as the homophobic woman admitted that she is a devoted Christian. Another young man stood up to announce that he is Christian too, but he believes that God loves everyone, including gays and lesbians. After the entire event, there were vibrant discussions in the auditorium, and people crowded into groups, chatting and exchanging email addresses and mobile numbers. I was heartened to see that quite a number of people approaching the homophobic woman, asking her why she felt so strongly against homosexuals, especially since she claimed that she doesn’t know any gay person in her life. The voice of the gay person has been elusive for too long, in any debate for gay rights and morality. Too often, we get entangled in endless theoretical debates. I keep wondering whether it is more effective to stand up to homophobes and tell them directly. “Yes, I am gay and I am deeply offended by what you said.” It is so much harder to bash or condemn someone who is standing right in front of you as a real person. I hope all those who were present that evening, know that homosexuals are just like everyone else, because a girl came out to all of them, by standing up to a homophobe. Beijing was still rather cold at night, even though it was already mid-May. I walked out of the campus, feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. tags: homophobia, lesbian, rights, gay The Perfect Drug Love is like a drug. Isn’t it? You inhale the vapours. It makes you high for awhile. Then you start tumbling and falling back down. Crashing into hard, solid reality. It seems like love always ends in hurt. One relationship after another. A never-ending cycle of temporary happiness. False joy. After awhile, you start to question what is the meaning of all this? All these ups and downs and feelings of desire and hurt that are so familiar and so déjà vu. Sometimes you seem to be watching reruns of a soap opera. Your own. You wonder when it’ll ever stop and when the happy ending comes. The final season. And you’re tired of cliffhangers and fist-clenching unsatisfactory season endings. Love seems to disappoint… despite whatever the romantics say, when they wax lyrical about how beautiful it is. Now now, I know what you’re thinking already. That this is just another whiny post from a lonely heart. But wait. We always expect and demand that others see our (IMnHO = in our not-so-humble opinion) ‘enlightened’ point of view. We castigate others who put a wet blanket on the love experience. We condemn them as pessimistic, as unrealistic and maybe, even perhaps, unworthy of receiving love, when others talk about love in a bad light. But this is where many of us fail to see… that people only understand what they experience. It seems that it’s not politically correct to paint love in a negative way. As if, love was a wholly good concept. But what if to you, love has always hurt. But even so, you can’t seem to quit it. Just like a drug. And deep within you, seems to lie this endless craving for love’s affection. Not physical, not even mental, but the emotional part. And we keep searching for it, playing fools and fumbling about. Trying, failing, sometimes succeeding, but never forever. In and out of relationships like the changing seasons. We try and we try. But when you come back home at night, to an empty bed where all is quiet except for your heaving sighs, you still feel lonely. So what do you do? Now here’s a fork in the road. A familiar fork I’m sure many of us have subconsciously encountered. There are two roads. One well-trodden, the easy tempting way out. The other, the road less traveled, the harder path to struggle through. We could take the easy way out. It’s extremely tempting to give up like others. To grow cynical about love. Believing that we will never find it, or that it will ever find us. That we are not meant to have a true love experience, or that we will never find The One. Or that the whole in-and-out of relationships cycle is a pointless exercise which is a waste of time. We’re tired of always looking over our shoulder, or turning the corner with the vain hopes of finding love there - waiting. We stop believing in relationships, in love. We stop trying. Even though the loneliness still clings. There is a hollow in the pits of our chests. Or, we could bring ourselves up despite the odds. Despite whatever life has taught us thus far, despite our shitty love experiences. Despite all the signs that seem to point that real love is not meant for you. We don’t lose our optimism. Optimism not about finding love, but optimism about the beauty of life. We start to learn how to fill that hollow in our chests with small little things we used to overlook. With simple joys that bring a genuine smile across our faces. And we start to learn to love ourselves first, before trying to jump the gun and love others. We start to discover that life holds many facets and love comes in many forms. We stop trying. We stop searching for love in all the wrong ways. And we know deep down that love will find us one day, no matter how bleak the present sky looks. Because you will finally see love, when you unveil the cynicism that blinds you. ——————- I’ve read about this many times on mailing lists, and the vibes I sometimes get from forum postings and what people talk about… is the aching loneliness that some of us seem to feel, and the view that love is a hopeless endeavor. Let’s not sweep it under the carpet and pretend it doesn’t exist. Or worse still, chastise the people who feel down about this issue and call them ‘whiny’. Let’s be honest and upfront and confront our demons. Let us help each other, and let one another see that the road less traveled is the real road to joy. After all, we’re all travelers on the same road, searching for that bit of paradise. Let’s be happy and fulfilled individuals, not jaded or cynical. And then maybe we’ll discover that love is not a drug, that love does not hurt forever and always, that there is a lasting love out there that will fill us if only we open our eyes to it. That real love will come to each and everyone of us one day, so long as we never stop believing. tags: gay, gay relationships, lesbian, lgbt, love, queer, same-sex relationships, glbt The Activist’s Dilemma The recent hoo-haa surrounding MM Lee’s statements on homosexuality has ruffled my feathers and poked at the idealist in me. It was heartening to see so many others rise up and stand up for who they are, by writing into forums, newspapers to defend themselves and others. It’s for the future, or so we say. We spend our time and effort and our brain cells into mounting a suitable defense against the homophobes, against the naysayers. Furiously spending hours crafting that perfect rebuttal, hoping, with whatever slim chance there is… that it’ll be published in the papers. But is it enough? We can start flame-wars from time to time. But they also die down eventually, and conveniently, the issue would be swept under the carpet again. And perhaps waiting, for another ripe moment to erupt once more in our faces. There are many ways to be a gay activist….Some say that the courage to be who you are is bravery enough. It in itself is a form of activism. As you slowly change the minds of those around you by being true to yourself, it creates a ripple effect that will hopefully eradicate homophobia one day. But, is it enough? Sometimes you change minds, sometimes you don’t. Often times, we only tell a few and even then, they are already on our side. It’s a small radius of positivity only. I don’t really know exactly what the turning points in history are, but I know for sure it usually takes a significant event. A symbolic event by the truly courageous, who took a public stand. Just like Stonewall, just like Rosa Parks. It seemed you had to do something to create that significant effect. So is the personal courage to be who you are, overrated as an effective form of activism? What is really effective? The one who will topple the giant? There are many of us GLBT who don’t feel the need to engage deeper into the community or engage in ‘direct’ activism (i.e. participate as a contributing member in any of the GLBT organizations in Singapore). Me being me, used to wonder why others don’t feel the desire as strongly as me and others do, to help. To roll up our sleeves and dig in, dirt and all. No matter how tough, it will be worth the effort. But sometimes I look around me and I see bystanders while I work. Sometimes, I see those who make light of what has been achieved. Or don’t seem to realise that the things that were created, required lots of toil and sweat from their creators. I wondered how others could be content with living their lives with limited rights as a second-class citizen. I wondered how they could find this life and society now a comfort zone. Sometimes, it seems like a certain kind of political apathy to me. An indifference to progress (or not). So long as their comfort zone is not disturbed, there is no thirst for more. Then I wondered why do activists feel they need to do something, why do we bother to make a difference, even if sometimes, such efforts come to naught? (Either the efforts fail to produce some form of success or it goes largely unnoticed by the target audience it seeks to reach out to. Take this analogy for example: if a tree falls in a forest and there is no one around, does it make a sound?) I don’t know what mix of the right formula would produce an activist in us. But I do know that there is one powerful ingredient X. And that is life experience. Poignant, deep, impactful life events. Life-changing events. Turning points. Milestones. Somewhere, somehow, there was some upheaval of sorts, some disturbance in the force that awoke this desire in us. A desire with the potential to create things which we never once thought possible. It leads to a change of mindsets, a new conviction, a new purpose. Then we start finding ourselves being driven by some sort of fuel. Sometimes, we might be dampened by failures, by non-appreciation. Sometimes we never ever reach the finish line even though we have slogged so hard in the journey. Sometimes, we ask ourselves, “What is the point of all this activism anyway. Why don’t I just live a usual, mundane life like the rest? Why take up a sword?” I used to think that if an act of activism did not produce any fruit, it is a wasteful act. But on hindsight now, I think otherwise. Because to get from the point we started off from, to the point that we are at now (even though the end result has not been achieved), is an milestone worth celebrating already. And that’s the beauty of struggle isn’t it? It’s not the prize at the end that will truly satisfy, but it’s the growth that you obtain from fighting. So even if s377a isn’t repealed at the end of the day, despite our angry, passionate debates. Even if only a select few decide to join directly in the melee. Even if your efforts aren’t appreciated or acknowledged at the end of the day… At least you know that you fought today. And fought well. tags: activism, homosexuality, mmlee, queer, singapore, gay