Gekommen auf Sie Sporne!* One of my friends recently claimed that he knew which team Adolf Hitler backed in the English Premiership, and pointed me to a series of video evidence to back his claims up. Rumour has it that Hitler had a soft spot for that entertaining outfit from the white half of North London whose policy is to win games by outscoring their opponents and themselves. This totally explains why he shot himself in the head in his secret bunker in 1945. An act most Spurs fans would probably have contemplated at one point or another in their lifetime. The proof is in the pudding: WARNING: Not funny if you understand German, of course. * German for “Come on you Spurs!” in case you were wondering. Technorati Tags: football, North London football rivalry, Arsenal, Tottenham Hotpurs Parenting 101 Lesson #1 - The “Agreement” An actual conversation between a parent and what must have been at most a 5 year-old boy at a crowded Japanese restaurant during dinner. Son: “Daddy I don’t want to eat this, I want to drink Purple Yakult!” Father: “No. The agreement was that you behave yourself and eat your food on the table or else you go home.” My dear parent, I don’t think 5 year-olds understand the concept of what an “agreement” actually is. If they did, we’d sent one to Ramallah to broker for a peace agreement in the Middle East instead of George W Bush. Technorati Tags: parenting, clueless fathers Stay Tuned for Holiday Pics Apologies to have taken so long to write about my recent trip to UK. There’re just too many pictures (all 900 over of them!) to resize and sort out, and yet so little spare time or energy to do so. I’m still sorting them out, about two-thirds through. Give me some time and I promise to write about my trip within the next week. Oh, Bloody Hell … It is certainly not inspiring when the home page of the airport you are traveling to in a few days’ time displays a disclaimer such as this: It’s times like this that I’m grateful that we run a tight ship around here on this little red dot. Wish me luck at Heathrow this Friday! Technorati Tags: Heathrow, Christmas strikes, travel grouses London, Baby! Yeah, next week, it’s London, baby! This Sissy Knows Where The Money Is There I was, doing my ironing near the kitchen area some days back when the unmistakable strains of that 70s disco tune Can’t Give You Anything (But My Love) by The Stylistics from my living room wafted into my ears, momentarily drawing my attention to the advertisement on the google-box. I wished I had continued with my ironing. Because what I saw for the next 30 seconds or so was a long-haired, svelte figure preening, posing and sashaying in front of the mirror; pouting, tossing toying looks my way and clearly flirting with the camera. Problem was, that figure belonged to no woman. It was Japanese pop star Takuya Kimura. And he’s a man, oh yes he is. What scared the hell out of me was that I actually found myself momentarily attracted to him when my attention was arrested by this particular Gatsby advert for your regular, run-of-the-mill hair bleach. Wonder what women find attractive about him - he looks and behaves like a girl, for God’s sake! What’s so sexy about someone who is not terribly far away from someone from your own camp? PS: A search on YouTube threw up a number of spoofs on these series of Gatsby ads. Be warned though, the actors/actresses are all erm … fugly. And unabashedly not shy. Technorati Tags: Takuya Kimura, sissy looking men in ads, metrosexual men, Gatsby ad And the REAL Reason Why England Lost to Croatia Was … ( originally uploaded by metro.co.uk ) … because of this man, Tony Henry. Apparently, our dear friend’s rendition of Lijepa Nasa Domovino (Our Beautiful Homeland), the Croatian national anthem at Wembley on Wednesday was tackled quite flawlessly by the British Opera singer even though Henry doesn’t speak any Croatian at all. Flawless, except for the little verse “mila kuda si planina”, which roughly translates to “you know, my dear how we love your mountains” in English. A verse Henry mangled into “mila kura si plannia” during his gusto interpretation in the rain. Errr … which actually means “you know, my dear, my penis is a mountain” in plain ol’ English. The conspiracy theorists are saying that Henry’s alternative interpretation of their national anthem before the game helped soothe the nerves of the Croatian players, enabling them to run at at will at the helpless English and beat them 3-2 to send the Three Lions tumbling out of Euro 2008 in utter disgrace. Thank you very much, Tony, looks like they should sack you too. * Sources: News @ Metro.co.uk and Ananova News Technorati Tags: football, soccer, England, Tony Henry, Euro 2008 Qualifiers, Croatian national anthem gaffe Will You Look At This Mess? ( image originally uploaded by IllaIllaJuanitoMaravilla at Football365 Forum ) You do not play a 4-5-1 formation when you say that you “will play for a win”. You do not tinker with the lineup for the penultimate Euro Qualifier, replacing an experienced international keeper low on confidence with a rookie with much less. You do not keep playing 2 midfielders whom you, and just about everyone else right down to the cleaning lady know cannot play together in the same lineup for a game of such importance. You do not revert back to the stupid formation of 4-5-1 that didn’t work for 45 minutes straight after your team scores 2 goals under 10 minutes to equalize with an effective and familiar 4-4-2 formation, thinking that you can hold the counter-attacking Croatians to the bare minimum draw you need to qualify for Euro 2008. Your team do not deserve to be in Switzerland and Austria next summer, mainly because of your tactical naivety. You do, however, deserve to be sacked soon. Get out. Technorati Tags: football, soccer, England, Steve McClaren, Euro 2008 Qualifiers Borders in the East Spotted some weeks back: they’re finally opening up a decent bookstore in the East! Borders @ Parkway Parade coming your way on 23 Nov 07. I no longer need to drive down to always-crowded Wheelock Place to get my book fix. Yay! Technorati Tags: bookstores, Borders Time to Take a Hike, Macca ( originally uploaded by Getty Images ) “At 1-1, I dreaded the worst. It was unbelievably tense and in the end, I could not bear it. I slipped into the bathroom and did not watch the last 10 minutes at all. It was excruciating. I heard the boys cheer twice. The first was for the shot that hit the post, the second was when Israel scored. That is the fine line between success and failure.” - England’s sorry excuse for a manager had the audacity to miss the goal that saved him from the sack - I know a lot of my mates will give me stick for this fortuitous combination of results over last weekend that got the Three Lions out of jail. For now, at least. The pathetic English did not deserve such luck, and I won’t be surprised if they put on their usual humiliation skit and lose to Croatia on Wednesday at Wembley, handing qualification for Euro 2008 back to the Russians on a platter. And you, Mr McClaren, had already crossed that fine line a long, long way back. How can anyone attribute failure or successful when you have to depend on others to control your destiny? Save yourself from further embarrassment and resign, regardless of qualification or not. Technorati Tags: football, soccer, England, Steve McClaren, Euro 2008 Qualifiers The Great Commandment I always knew that mobsters were just like any other members of a larger organization they owe their loyalty to. There are bound to be those who do not know their organization’s mission statements or guiding principles, and will stare blankly at the ISO9000 auditors when they come around for ISO Certification. Apparently not with our friends from Sicily. The Italian cops found what was believed to a guiding set of commandments for Mafia mobsters to adhere during the arrest of Salvatore Lo Piccolo, one of the most powerful Mafia bosses in Palermo at his secret villa hideout: 1. No-one can present himself directly to another of our friends. There must be a third person to do it. 2. Never look at the wives of friends. 3. Never be seen with cops. 4. Don’t go to pubs and clubs. 5. Always being available for Cosa Nostra is a duty - even if your wife’s about to give birth. 6. Appointments must absolutely be respected. 7. Wives must be treated with respect. 8. When asked for any information, the answer must be the truth. 9. Money cannot be appropriated if it belongs to others or to other families. 10. People who can’t be part of Cosa Nostra: anyone who has a close relative in the police, anyone with a two-timing relative in the family, anyone who behaves badly and doesn’t hold to moral values. One look at the commandments and I know yours truly will never qualify to be one - I’m sure to violate at least half of them! But somewhere out there in Italy, I’m sure Mafia noobs are being issued with handy, laminated wallet-sized cards with those commandments printed on ‘em on Orientation Day - “Just pass these around eh, Tony?” Technorati Tags: Mafia, mobsters, mobster code of conduct How to Be a Moron and Still Get Your Driving Licence #1 - Always do the exact opposite of what the sign says. Which part of “reverse” did you not understand? Technorati Tags: morons, imbeciles Dude, Where’s My Bicycle? What’s worse than going back to work after a few days of leave, and hearing murmurs that you might be “moved up” to another post within the same department because the posting you’ve always wanted over at a whole new department has just been intercepted by someone else? That the price of petrol has gone up yet again. I stared in disbelief at the LED-lit figures at the petrol kiosk on the way home yesterday evening. I know, I know, the price of crude oil hit an all-time high of USD98.62 per barrel. The winter storms in the Gulf of Mexico. The always precarious situation in the M.E. The attacks on the pipelines. Demand and supply right? This is not good. I may end up riding a bicycle to work soon. Damn you sky-high petrol prices and posting interceptions! Technorati Tags: increasing petrol prices, getting passed over for a plum posting On Flirting Just something really funny but insightful that I thought I’d share while re-watching the past seasons of Friends. You gotta forward it to the -3:00 min mark in order to catch this bit. “Monica: Okay, let me get this straight, it’s okay for you to flirt, but not for me. Chandler: Oh, I’m so glad we cleared that up. Look, I’m sorry, some things are different for men and for women. Monica: Go on, teach me something about men and women. Chandler: Okay, I’ve already taught you so much already, but whatever. See when you flirt with a guy you think, “I’m just flirting, no big deal.” But the guy is thinking, “Finally! Somebody who wants to sleep with me!” Monica: No way! Chandler: It’s true. Monica: Well that’s pathetic! Chandler: Again true. Monica: And this goes for all guys? Chandler: All guys that are awake. Then we go to sleep and then all the guys from the other end of the world wake up and behave the exact same way.” - Chandler Bing is uncannily accurate with his insight on how men flirt in The One Where Ross Can’t Flirt - Technorati Tags: FRIENDS, flirting, how men flirt So Much for the Machismo Hands down, cutest bike I’ve ever seen in my life so far. Except for the fact that bikes and their riders are supposed to portray an impression of how dangerous and how bad they’re supposed to be, aren’t they? I mean, don’t riders learn biking so that they can take their dates on an exciting, whirlwind dash along the expressway when in actual fact, all they want to really achieve is to scare the living daylights out of the chick so that she would grab the macho rider tightly during the ride? But with a paint-job like that, you’re not gonna score with the girls beyond P6, dude. Technorati Tags: bikes, bad boys The Wall You know that an eatery has got it made when the boss plasters polaroids of local and overseas celebrity patrons all over the walls of his joint. You also know that your own relative has got it made when you realize that his picture is amongst the ones in the local celebrities section of those same walls. I have been pondering over whether I should write an entry about this amusing little discovery for the past week. Not because I was afraid of the barrage of unsolicited emails asking for my relative’s autograph. But because I wasn’t quite sure what the hell he was doing up there on the wall in the first damn place. There I was, horsing around with my colleagues during lunch on a quiet Monday afternoon at one of the many Bak Kut Teh restaurants along Balestier Road when we got bored waiting for the food to arrive. So we started playing a little game with the polaroids up on the walls, challenging each other to see who was able to name the most celebrities from the pictures in the quickest possible time. I thought was doing pretty well, “Terence Cao, Richard Liu, Deborah Sim, Zeng Guocheng, Chow Yun Fatt, Andy Lau, Catherine Lim … wah she also can be up on the wall ah,” until my eyes did a return scan of that bloke next to Catherine Lim’s picture whom I swore looked bloody familiar to me. “Wait a minute, that’s my cousin up there! Next to Catherine Lim! What the hell’s he doing up there man?” My colleagues gave me stick for that, simply because they’ve never seen or heard of my new-found celebrity relative. They ruled that my last “celebrity” cannot be considered a celebrity, and that I had lost the game on that technicality even though I tried explaining that one should be considered a celebrity if he has a regular spot on the bottom left hand corner of page two of The Straits Times. Even though it was just an advertisement proclaiming him as “Singapore’s brightest and best stock options investment coach!”, and that you’re likely to make US$3000 in merely a day’s work if you sign up for his workshop. That’s complete and utter bullshit. I was referring to the way I was eliminated from the game and made to buy everyone a round of drinks, of course. What else could I be referring to? Technorati Tags: celebrity wall of fame, celebrity relatives I Now Pronounce You, Man Wanker and Wife No, your eyes weren’t playing any tricks on you. And that was not some prank SMS. It was an actual SMS that was sent out to a bunch of real people in real life. This unbelievably ridiculous message sneaked itself into my inbox this morning, courtesy of someone else who was actually invited to the wedding. Even though the groom hardly knew that someone else, let alone be close enough to receive a wedding invitation. I thought it was a frigging joke too. Until I found out the identity of the groom. Seriously, good luck for the marriage babe. You’ll need it. Technorati Tags: weddings, cheapskates, shameless people, Man I don’t know how to categorize this Back Again (again!) Here I am again, from my self-imposed sabbatical. Ok, ok. I was just too lazy, unmotivated, and utterly uninspired to write. There was work, and then there was more work. My spare time was spent catching up on the lost sleep that I missed. Either that or it was spent running “personal administration” errands like paying for the bills, shopping for essentials and the likes. There was hardly any thing I could write about. I couldn’t write about how I spent the weekend sleeping. That’d bore you to death. I couldn’t tell you about how long the queue was when I lined up for groceries. That’d bore you to death too. And I certainly couldn’t (and wouldn’t) entertain you with my stories from work here. That’d bore me to death. You know, being behind bars. One week turned into two weeks. Two weeks grew into three months. Three months … ok, you get the picture. This little baby meanwhile, was left to fend for its own in cyberspace. It had to fight off spam, comments from friends and fellow bloggers which were left unreplied, a blog template that was not tweaked and perpetually left hanging under construction - general abandonment really. Ok fine, malaise on the user’s part. As six months went by, I glanced through my credit card bill only to find that I had paid about US$15 for weeds and fungus to fester in the backgarden of what used to be a blog. That was when I decided that it was time to roll up my sleeves and make my money’s worth. Not, because people kept asking (and emailing) me what the hell happened to my blog. Oh well, that too. So here I am. Again, again. Please stay tuned. Will Return Shortly Will Return Shortly The Inevitable Has Happened The inevitable that I wrote about some months back has happened. Alan Lee’s late equalizer for Ipswich Town against Leeds United last weekend via a glancing header has all but condemned my favourite football club to the ignonimy of League One (the 3rd tier in England) football next season. A situation the club has never faced before in its 80 year history - they’ve never been in a division lower than the second ever. The miserable end to a shameful season culminated in a pitch invasion at Elland Road, with outraged fans probably trying to disrupt the final few seconds with the stupid hope of forcing the referee to abandon the game. And the inevitable result that will send the club down a notch to League One, barring a real miracle on the final day of the season. Unfortunately, this is an irreversible process, as with the many tragedies in life. Tragic. But true. Technorati Tags: football, soccer, Leeds United, relegation for Leeds United The Inevitable Has Happened The inevitable that I wrote about some months back has happened. Alan Lee’s late equalizer for Ipswich Town against Leeds United last weekend via a glancing header has all but condemned my favourite football club to the ignonimy of League One (the 3rd tier in England) football next season. A situation the club has never faced before in its 80 year history - they’ve never been in a division lower than the second ever. The miserable end to a shameful season culminated in a pitch invasion at Elland Road, with outraged fans probably trying to disrupt the final few seconds with the stupid hope of forcing the referee to abandon the game. And the inevitable result that will send the club down a notch to League One, barring a real miracle on the final day of the season. Unfortunately, this is an irreversible process, as with the many tragedies in life. Tragic. But true. Technorati Tags: football, soccer, Leeds United, relegation for Leeds United On Turning 30 I remembered last celebrating my birthday as a 17 year-old. The ones after that just came and went without much fuss or fanfare. Most would’ve at least celebrated the significant ones - like their 21st. Me? I remember cleaning the toilets of Sembawang Camp with my bunkmates on mine. Hitting the Big 3 today represents another milestone. And you know life will never be the same again because: - you can no longer refer to yourself as “being in my twenties” in your personal ad; - you have to start getting used to beginning with the number “3″ when filling in forms under the “age” column; - the National Registration Office sends you a notification to update your identity card, which incidentally still bears a picture of yourself when you were only 14; - 8 out of the 10 birthday SMSes from your friends include the phrase “old man”; - the kids you play football with on a regular basis reel in horror when they realize that you’re actually decades older than them; - you can no longer make eyes at nubile young chicks at nightspots, for fear that they might realize that you’re old enough to be their uncle; and - you’re only a decade away from a mid-life crisis. Grumble. Technorati Tags: birthdays, 30th birthday, turning 30 On Turning 30 I remembered last celebrating my birthday as a 17 year-old. The ones after that just came and went without much fuss or fanfare. Most would’ve at least celebrated the significant ones - like their 21st. Me? I remember cleaning the toilets of Sembawang Camp with my bunkmates on mine. Hitting the Big 3 today represents another milestone. And you know life will never be the same again because: - you can no longer refer to yourself as “being in my twenties” in your personal ad; - you have to start getting used to beginning with the number “3″ when filling in forms under the “age” column; - the National Registration Office sends you a notification to update your identity card, which incidentally still bears a picture of yourself when you were only 14; - 8 out of the 10 birthday SMSes from your friends include the phrase “old man”; - the kids you play football with on a regular basis reel in horror when they realize that you’re actually decades older than them; - you can no longer make eyes at nubile young chicks at nightspots, for fear that they might realize that you’re old enough to be their uncle; and - you’re only a decade away from a mid-life crisis. Grumble. Technorati Tags: birthdays, 30th birthday, turning 30 Ok, Ok, I Sold Out! My apologies for being missing in action these few weeks. Have been busy at work as well as messing around with my Italian slut a bit, amongst other things. Will post some pics up and write about it soon but for now, allow me to point you to a superb advert that bowled me over completely. Remember how I always go on and on about how I detest Schumi and the team he drives for because they remind me of a certain English football club in red? Well, this advert changed my belief system forever. Super ad. Super. Technorati Tags: Ferrari, Shell Ok, Ok, I Sold Out! My apologies for being missing in action these few weeks. Have been busy at work as well as messing around with my Italian slut a bit, amongst other things. Will post some pics up and write about it soon but for now, allow me to point you to a superb advert that bowled me over completely. Remember how I always go on and on about how I detest Schumi and the team he drives for because they remind me of a certain English football club in red? Well, this advert changed my belief system forever. Super ad. Super. Technorati Tags: Ferrari, Shell Hasta La Vista, Judas! Just something I stumbled upon over a weekend of mindless scavenging on the Internet that’s guaranteed to bring hilarious cheer to your Monday Blues. Imagine the Terminator sent back in time to save the life of a certain Mr JC. And no, it ain’t John Connor we’re talking about. Bloody funny! Technorati Tags: funny video clips, spoofs Hasta La Vista, Judas! Just something I stumbled upon over a weekend of mindless scavenging on the Internet that’s guaranteed to bring hilarious cheer to your Monday Blues. Imagine the Terminator sent back in time to save the life of a certain Mr JC. And no, it ain’t John Connor we’re talking about. Bloody funny! Technorati Tags: funny video clips, spoofs It’s Not How You Drive, It’s Definitely What You Drive So Kimi Räikkönen won the Australian GP on his debut with Ferrari after spending 5 years with Mercedes-McLaren playing bridesmaid to Michael Schumacher, whose big shoes he has to fill this season. The Finn had never really realized his full potential over at McLaren - his best performances being runner-up in the Drivers’ Championship on 2 occasions in the 2003 and 2005 seasons, and basically cursing and swearing at the abysmal failure of his car in the other 3 seasons, which forced him to retire prematurely from the race in 23 of 53 races scheduled. That’s like, a 50 percent failure rate. Yes, I dislike the Ferrari team. Never liked them because of their uncanny resemblance to a certain English football club in terms of colour, arrogance, and dominance over the past decade. Oh, and also the fact that I’ve always thought that Schumi’s dominance was purely due to the fact that he was driving a good machine - he has always been an ordinary driver in my books, lacking the finesse of Aryton Senna, the composure of Alain Prost, or the ice-coolness of Mika Häkkinen. But Räikkönen’s winning debut over the weekend proved this nagging doubt I’ve had in my head for the longest time. Like it or not, Ferrari produces better F1 machines than their competitors, period. Truly, a case of the machine maketh the man. Good luck to those of us with Beemers and Mercs. Post-Script: 7 months and 16 races later, Räikkönen clinched his first Formula One Driver’s title with some superb driving in the last race of the season in Brazil, pipping Fernando Alonso and Lewis Hamilton of Mercedes-McLaren by just 1 point. I’m quite sure the car made all the difference. Technorati Tags: Formula One, Kimi Raikkonen, Ferrari It’s Not How You Drive, It’s Definitely What You Drive So Kimi Räikkönen won the Australian GP on his debut with Ferrari after spending 5 years with Mercedes-McLaren playing bridesmaid to Michael Schumacher, whose big shoes he has to fill this season. The Finn had never really realized his full potential over at McLaren - his best performances being runner-up in the Drivers’ Championship on 2 occasions in the 2003 and 2005 seasons, and basically cursing and swearing at the abysmal failure of his car in the other 3 seasons, which forced him to retire prematurely from the race in 23 of 53 races scheduled. That’s like, a 50 percent failure rate. Yes, I dislike the Ferrari team. Never liked them because of their uncanny resemblance to a certain English football club in terms of colour, arrogance, and dominance over the past decade. Oh, and also the fact that I’ve always thought that Schumi’s dominance was purely due to the fact that he was driving a good machine - he has always been an ordinary driver in my books, lacking the finesse of Aryton Senna, the composure of Alain Prost, or the ice-coolness of Mika Häkkinen. But Räikkönen’s winning debut over the weekend proved this nagging doubt I’ve had in my head for the longest time. Like it or not, Ferrari produces better F1 machines than their competitors, period. Truly, a case of the machine maketh the man. Good luck to those of us with Beemers and Mercs. Technorati Tags: Formula One, Kimi Raikkonen, Ferrari