loWEr tHAn beFoRe…. Today felt like a long arduous day, it brought me to a new low. Every single professional bit of me was shredded to pieces, I left the meeting feeling utterly humiliated and depressed so much so I couldn’t even manage a word, let alone a smile or a laugh. I had been silent since this afternoon, not because I was tired but because everything became a blur of colours and actions around me. She had run me down so much that I almost stood up and walked out, but I contained myself and allowed her to run me down further. Nothing registered, not even what well-meaning friends said after the meeting. Today, I really feel incapable of being objective and rational. I just want to let myself cry till the tears run dry and allow the hurt to ease. I felt really hurt that even well-meaning friend(s) would run me down with his’ or hers’ words. Perhaps its supposed to motivate me or spur me on and not give up? But its having a complete opposite effect on me. I feel like I am being bashed upon for no reason to the extent I feel like I had became a doormat to be trampled upon without a care that a doormat would have feelings too. Yes, I feel like I am being taken for granted more often than not….did you ever stop, take a step back, look at me and wonder if I was okay or had your words/actions had hurt me? I may be smiling, but inwardly I am crying and hurting. Today, I don’t want to hold back the floodgates, because I can’t anymore. I don’t want to justify or rationalise. The shite bit is that with every passing minute, I cry harder and the tears simply refuse to stop…. and I have no idea why I can’t stop…. to my Fairy GodPapa…. In a flash, its September, 4 weeks since it happened. 4 weeks of a prolonged roller coaster ride, I swing between the moods quicker than the rainfall outdoors. Some days I sleep easier some days like today, I depend on alcohol simply because it soothes like medication over a scar. Damn, the tears trickled downwards again….. I feel like I had grown up a lot during this period of time. Sure, I still whine but I feel so old and jaded inwardly. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the strength to continue living each day well but I try to nonetheless. I hear everything well-meaning friends say to me but uncertainty is a damn farking ugly word. Feels like I am stumbling in the dark, hoping to find the light to the end of the tunnel soon. September always remind me of the me when I met him. The Prince who did all he could to keep the smile on my face, despite the fact that he knew I would not be there for good and I was still seeing someone back home then. I remembered him coming to visit me in the cold rainy autumn night without me asking him to, the him who walked 20 minutes to another tube station just so I didn’t eat alone at dinner, the him who brought me out that evening after I was almost in tears after I had a bad dressing down at work, the him who reminded me I was leaving when we were having a late night burger that cold night at Traflagar Square. I remembered him giving a protective fierce hug after i slipped and fell hard on the ground on the way home, just so I didn’t feel the hurt so much. He didn’t send me off at the airport, he refused to acknowledge that I was leaving him for good. Fairy Godpapa, why do I keep clinging to the past these days? Was it because I was sheltered then and now not? Because I knew there was someone who truly loved and cared for me then? Because I knew I was at the top of my game? Because I will never have that part of my life back again? Because at times, I feel like a farking loser with nothing I could hold on to now in my life? Fairy Godpapa, he won’t always be there, right? One day he will just turn his back and walk. I feel so alone, I really do. fLEurs Chanced upon these flower stick-ons for the walls when I was browsing through iKEa after dinner with Moo Moo. Fitti had to get home to tuck little Kai into home and so, she couldn’t come along with us. Anyways, was really intrigued by the flower stick-ons and decided on them after a good twenty minutes. The other stick-ons were great too but I wanted something bright and cheery for the walls. Dare I say, those flower stick-ons are super duper easy to stick on the walls and I had the free hand in deciding where and how the flower stick-ons are to be. 10 minutes later and taadaaaa………. my bedroom wall is all dressed up! SaUTeED mUSHroOms anYONe I figured I should practise sauteed mushrooms for a home Sunday brunch, just so none of the guys had to stomach an inedible lump of mushrooms. 2 hours of watching how to cook sauteed mushrooms on youtube yesterday and I was ready to experiment tonight. I was pleasantly surprised at how yummy the mushrooms tasted and the fragrance it had when the sherry cooking wine was added just before the pan was taken off the stove. Here’s the recipe I used, but I would add that the measurements are a rough gauge, ie I had sprinkled, drizzled based on my instincts. That’s really how I cook, by instincts most of the time. Mushrooms (1 - 1/2 pound, mushrooms I used were the pre-sliced white button mushrooms) Pepper and Salt (sprinkle to taste) Dried thyme (1 - 2 teaspoons, but I had sprinkled the dried thyme by instinct instead) Vegetable Oil (1 - 2 tablespoons. I had substituted with magarine instead) Sherry cooking wine (You could use sherry cooking vinegar if you like) Put vegetable oil into a hot saucepan, then pour in the mushrooms. Spread the mushrooms out evenly as 1 layer in the saucepan. Let the mushrooms brown on one side first before flipping the mushrooms to the other side. Then add salt, dried thyme and pepper. Sauteed the mushrooms till the salt, dried thyme and pepper are absorbed into the mushrooms. Just before switching the stove off, add a dash or two of the sherry cooking wine to the mushrooms. Bon Appétit! iDESpaiR The harsh reality is that like a light of a candle, easily snuffed out within a few seconds. What happens after the light goes out on the candle? The candle needs to be relight, but where are the matches when you need them? You start looking for them, hoping that the matches are found in the same old place or perhaps a place familiar somewhat. Perhaps if you are lucky, you find the matches easily. Otherwise, you spend a while hunting for the matches, because they are no longer in a place familiar. Perhaps that is how my life is now. I am searching for the matches to light the candle again but the search is uncertain and bleak. I wish I could walk down those streets again, laughing without a care and feeling like I am the luckiest girl in the world. Probably not, I think, that part of my life is over. A friend I had not seen for almost a year said I wasn’t the same person she knew of, she said I’m quieter than before. I had dismissed her remark then but looking back, she seemed right after all. The me, a year ago, was not crying so quicky and often. I was happy, optimistic and full of life. Naive, I would say, and too trusting at that. I know the past is over and with it many chapters closed, but I want to be happy again, not like this. Wondering where I go from here, when the uncertainty would end, whether the despair would diminish and the burden lessened. I wish I could have affirmation, assurance but sadly, that is not the case or will be the case. Instead I feel extremely destructive, towards myself, towards the ones I love and care for. I deliberately want to lash out because I am hurting so very much inside. I am so sorry but I can’t help it at all. Maybe, just maybe one day or a year from now, I can look back and give myself a pat on the back for having walked through this rough phase. For now, I guess not….. failure Failure, that is how I have been feeling since Sunday evening.  Having to stay positive when I am already feeling like shite after hearing that two of my ex-colleagues had found employment.  And I don’t really want to know about the others who may also have already. I just slammed my keyboard for the millionth time.  I have lost my cool and screamed away in anger.  I don’t have the capacity to sound nice and chirpy over the phone to the next headhunter.  And seriously, I have no absolute care for anyone right now.  I don’t want to hear about your problem, your whine, your angst, whatsoever.  Think about it, the magnitude of your problem, how bad is it when you take a step out and compare your problem/issue/concern with the rest of the world?  Sobering, isn’t it.  Wait, that is provided you even bothered to care to begin with. Like I had plurked, I do not need to be treated with kid gloves but neither do I need my buttons pressed.  Yes, I am incapable of making jokes or taking things lightly now.  Not because I can’t but because reality is staring at me in my face. Uncertainty is certainly an ugly word.  And I cried, yet again. lOve wiLL keEP uS aLIve To you, whose experiencing life’s down moment now, keep your chin up.  What doesn’t kill, strengthens in its place instead. 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. bisous, POsh mOi’S sANctUAry Given the amount of time I had on hand right now, I figured I should revamp the room before the claustrophobic state drives me crazier than crazy.  Also, I needed to have an outlet to release the current pissed off state of mind.  The current pissed off state of mind is lesser now after exhausting myself with the mini renovation.  I think I will save the painting of the room walls for another day, that in my opinion, will be another massive project! Anyways, after the hours of diligence and toil, am pleased at how warm and cosy the bedroom had become.  Oh, and I am reminded of how spacious a room I had before the junk had cluttered it up beyond recognition!  Without further ado, here’s some photos of the bedroom! Warm lighting for the sanctuary.  Lucky me, I have the option of switching on the down lights if I needed proper lighting for serious reading.  Serious reading exclude the weekly entertainment magazine, US and UK Vogue. Yes, am a snob with my magazines.  And like some say “whatever floats my boat”. The Tin Tin lacquer reprints which I lugged back from HCM with a torn ligament at the right ankle finally had display rights.  The antique looking dish which I found in my old book shelves adds a pretty nice touch to the chest of drawers. The chest of drawers and wardrobe which daddy had assembled himself!  Don’t ask me how I managed to get all the parts of the furniture onto the loaned lorry with daddy.  Am stubbornly persistent and I don’t like to think I am lesser than a man.  Yeah, the sadist feminist streak in me at work here. By the way, all of the above were bought from iKea.  ikea suited my budget and so what if my room is iKea-fied!  As long as its personalised with my style and not too bad an aesthetic eye, that’s all that matters! tALk To mY hANd I didn’t think a rant was long overdue, rather I thought I would be able to continue with suppression and restrain well. Guess the resolve didn’t last too long, but WTH, did I ever say I was a door mat? Right, 99.99% probability that I sure am. I hate to be patronised. I farking hate to, those looks that say you are just a pretty face, you know nuts. Hell yeah, I know nuts but did I ever claim to know everything? Look, if you think you are so farking smart, why is it you are what you are and sadly you cannot change a single bit of your sad pathetic life? Go figure, ain’t too difficult. I hate it when I am told I do not know how to and this or that will be done for me. I manage well on my own, thank you. I do not need to resort to pretences, acts of distress to sort myself out. I have a mind that is perfectly capable of making my own decisions. I don’t need to be told what I can and cannot do. How would you like it if I told you what you should and should not do? Interesting, isn’t it. I hate it when I get taken for granted. Sure, I am the one always doing this, always doing that, after a while it becomes second nature that I will always do it. Have you ever asked me, if I would like to do this, if I would prefer that instead, if I can decide on this or that or taken the initiative to tell me you will do this, you will do that? I resent it a lot. Why is it always a one-way traffic? Why can’t you offer instead? Its damn sickening to be always the one doing the shite work, making arrangements, etc. I feel like I am treated like a slave and not a friend. I am not your personal assistant, I am your friend. You don’t treat a friend like that. I hate it when I get cut in when I am trying to deal with a situation. Frankly, I am not amused. If I am dealing with it, you jolly well let me deal with it my way. Unless you were dealing with it to begin with, otherwise don’t butt in. I would say it again, I am a patient woman but am not that patient. Unless you want me to scream and embarrass you in public, you would do well to shut up and let me deal with a situation myself. Don’t blame me if I were to behave otherwise and flick you away like dust. You can only blame yourself for looking like a farking idiot. With all due respect, in my humble opinion, you won’t want me to be brutually honest. tHe raINBow conNEcTioN I was having lunch with Rick today and he let on that today was the third month June and him were dating. Being the curious moi, I had to find out what she was getting. Vaguely of what I remembered, the man said “I got her The Rainbow Connection in the end. I wanted her to know that not every day may be a rainbow but there will be a rainbow connection for us.”…… aaaaawwwwwww, so sweet! June, if you are reading this, you are a really lucky girl to have BU! Yah, I also wish someone would tell me about that some day we will find it, the rainbow connection, for lovers, for dreamers, and me. 眼泪滴在受伤的心中，将会开出充满勇气的花朵 Am always surprised by how I appear to be to the peeps in my life. More often than not, they read me pretty well and I guess, to a certain extent, having spent time together does help. Honestly, I don’t go out of my way to be someone I am not, what you see is really what you get. So yes, I am too nice and gracious, I fall flat on my face when I try to be a biatch, I whine/worry/think/analyse too much at times, I can’t really stay angry for long simply because it takes a lot of effort to be angry and I worry about the after effect of having more wrinkles and white hairs. Blah blah blah…. okay BORING!!! I have to say, this observation that Jul made was probably more spot-on than I realised. Thanks Jul, for the faith in me. Thanks too for keeping me company, I appreciate it lots. Perhaps, the current tendency to swing between moments of exasperation, frustration, self-doubt, anger, despair is just a temporary phase. Perhaps, perhaps so…………… jU is bloody pissed~“眼泪滴在受伤的心中，将会开出充满勇气的花朵 that this is one thing abt u jU is bloody pissed~“眼泪滴在受伤的心中，将会开出充满勇气的花朵” u lived for urself jU is bloody pissed~“眼泪滴在受伤的心中，将会开出充满勇气的花朵 dont bother abt others.. Posh really? you think so? jU is bloody pissed~“眼泪滴在受伤的心中，将会开出充满勇气的花朵 yup jU is bloody pissed~“眼泪滴在受伤的心中，将会开出充满勇气的花朵 i mean, i admire u for that ya jU is bloody pissed~“眼泪滴在受伤的心中，将会开出充满勇气的花朵 i mean, i think u mind some how, but u wont let it affect u jU is bloody pissed~“眼泪滴在受伤的心中，将会开出充满勇气的花朵 but u used that to prove to others u are better Posh haha yah birtHDays and c**KBUrN We celebrated John’s birthday this weekend, ahead of the actual birthday during the week.  A totally astounding feast which unfortunately, I was too hungry to take photos of.  Maybe the next time, when there’s another waist busting feast, I will remember the camera before the stomach!  Anyways, birthday cake was from Awfully Chocolate, John’s favourite cake shop.  For the chocolate lovers, you will lurve this cake for how chocolicious it is! Post dinner, we gathered at the patio for some adult drinks.  First up was to finish the remaining quarter bottle of port.  Cockburn naturally was the joke of the hour.  Someone said “The men here don’t burn their cocks, but you ladies are welcome to go out there and burn some cocks.” I wonder whose cock I would get to burn….. *rubs hands in evil anticipation*  A cock shuddering thought, isn’t it…. anyone up for it? wHere dId tEh tImE gO….. Of all people, I should have more than enough time to while my time away, but strangely am busy busy all the time. I guess pretty much updating my social calendar without breaking the bank and continuing with the job hunt! Oh, and as annoying as it gets in this annoyingly sweltering weather, I am all suited up to meet the people I need to impress. Hell no, looking pretty while sounding intelligent ain’t exactly my idea of fun. In fact, I can feel my brain cells dying with frantic dips into the memory for words/incident/experience that are quote worthy, credible, heart warming yet funny without overdoing it. Don’t quite get what I mean? Nah, neither do I. Am not exactly coherent after being seriously grilled yesterday afternoon. And yeah, this was how nicely corporate bimbo-ish I was!  Excuse the fat biatch that you see! in tIMes of nEeD yoU Do nOt nEeD We went window shopping today. Window shopping is, in my humble opinion, a heartache at the object of desire and a headache at the bank account which in the end never fails to draw me back to reality and walk away with resignation. Oh well, when I can again, I will satisfy my whims! The gorgeous doll in black cost more than 300 bucks. Sigh…. 300 bucks, why is it not 30 bucks or better still, 3 bucks?! So I walked away, after returning to the shop twice to examine the worth of the doll. My thoughts are still lingering on the doll. The doll which looks like me! The bag which I had chanced upon a couple of days ago. I liked that it was big and slouchy. But the price tag was enough to weaken my knees. I should not be frivolous and hence, I walked away unwillingly. Today, we took a look at the bag again, comparing the grey with the dark brown (it was impossible to take a photo of the bag in dark brown with the sales assistant watching us like a hawk!). Despite the hard sell by the sales assistant, we walked out of the shop without the bag. In M’s opinion, the bag was not worth the price and I concur too, after calming the heart with a cup of latte. SIGH…. window shopping is evil, it really is. *SIGH* the iNFinTe bEAutY I was really really amazed at the surreal beauty of the I.N.F.I.N.T.Y C.H.A.P.E.L when I first read about it. It literally took my breath away. NOOOOO, moi is not getting married nor preparing the dossier on a future wedding! Rather, I appreciated the architecture of the chapel, simple yet modernistic. It was almost as if the chapel was sitting in the middle of the sea. And, because it is so incredibly gorgeous, taking a bad photograph is next to impossible. OKay, can someone I know please get married there and invite me as a wedding guest? Better still, be the maid of honour? Let me have the chance to waltz down the aisle in a dress like this! joYEux aNNiveRSaiRe Happy National Day, Singapore!  43 years and counting, this little red dot is continuing to be a force to be reckoned with.  My first National Day Parade, at the first ever Esplanade Waterfront parade, was simply awesome and I felt really proud to be able to be born a Singaporean.  I hope you feel proud to be a Singaporean too, not just on this day.  To the Singaporeans away from home, I hope you are celebrating this day with fellow Singaporeans whom you acquainted with over all things Singaporean. Have a great National Day weekend! sCaRs (STROnGer fOr liFE) Probably this reflects best how I felt in “a light in the darkness”. a LigHT in the DarkNEsS Life is unpredictable. You can plan and hope for the best but it may not always come true. This is what I had realised after these couple of weeks. Okay, so its true too, that when one has too much time on his’ or hers’ hands, its inevitable that you start thinking too much and hmm, thoughts run wild?! It doesn’t help as well when you are suffering from a P.M.S.Y mood and you feel utterly vindictive, despondent, cynical, anguished. At that moment, when you are in darkness, you feel so alone and isolated. I think that prompted this thought in my head “You can have all the love in the world and still feel empty inside”. I just didn’t want to feel the care, concern and love. I didn’t believe a word. Heck, you could have said with the utmost sincerity “I love you more than I care to admit. You mean the world to me and I don’t want you to walk away or lose you just like that…” or “I care a lot for you because you are my closest friend and I hate to see you feeling so miserable” and I would have thought or even retorted “You are such a farking liar. Cut out the farking lies!”. Yeah, that was how cynical I was. I refused to believe there was love, kindness and compassion in this world still. For those of us, Christians, we believe that God always have His plan for us. A sister in Christ said to me before…. “If we knew what God had in mind for us, we would have probably fainted from shock and not have the strength to carry on with our life”. I do wonder if everything that had happened so far was part of God’s big picture for me…. was God testing my faith in Him? was God punishing me for straying from the daily Walk with Him? If its anything, I had never lost faith with Him. I may have taken a spiritual break but I don’t think I had stopped keeping faith in Him. In times of despair, in times of blessings, I have always kept the faith. If there was anything, I realised He still loved me and never gave up on me. I come to you, completely humbled, in repentance. John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” The Five Love Languages I feel loved when… The Five Love Languages My Primary Love Language is Quality Time My Detailed Results: Quality Time: 9 Acts of Service: 7 Words of Affirmation: 6 Physical Touch: 6 Receiving Gifts: 2 About this quiz Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak. Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is. Take the Quiz! Check out the Book “Time - because I know I don’t have forever. No one does. “….. Grassy The woman is so right (HOPE you win some cutey custom made fabric buttons!).  Time, albeit quality time, is something that is precious, hard to come by and never enough of. wHEre tO Go froM hERe….. I was calm (I thought so) when the news first broke and had an okay weekend. Then I realised not, I was in shock and hence nothing registered till early this week. I finally felt the sentiments of everyone who suffered the same blow. Its this bitter pill that I try my best to swallow but I keep regurgitating. I am a farking liar when I said I am okay, I am coping, etc. Am not. I feel like I am sinking into depression, questioning my own ability, crying a lot. There are friends who have offered company and a listening ear, I do appreciate but I don’t make good company. I am also very thankful that I have friends/classmates who have offered me a helping hand. But, as much as I try, I cannot contain the tears. I can’t explain the sharp piercing pain in the heart. It felt like I had been abandonded, rejected and I had out-lived my usefulness. Its almost like okay, you are no longer a priority, out you go. Am very sad and hurt. Do I still believe? Do I still trust? Where do I go from here? I don’t know, I really don’t know anymore. iWantChICKenRiCe….. One of my favourite chicken rice stall, T.i.a.n.T.i.a.n. chicken rice at M.a.x.w.e.l.l. R.o.a.d. M.a.r.k.e.t. Its worth the snaking queue, well, okay, its at least 20 minutes but anything to satisfy the growling stomach. Like they say, a hungry woman is an angry woman….. erm, its true! Today, Kaoboii (this is not how his name is spelt but I liked the way Cakie had spelt his name!) said he would give his right nut for a plate of chicken rice. At the rate he is going with his cravings, I doubt he would have any nuts left since the left nut is going to the frappucino. OKay, so I am being mean to him but hallo, I had paid 15 bucks before for a plate of chicken rice (its called poached chicken with rice on the menu) and 45 bucks before for a plate of nasi lemak just to keep the homesick pangs at bay. So, seriously, I know how its like to be homesick, well mostly for the food! Well, guess what, there’s a chicken rice recipe that appeared in the local papers last weekend. Specially for Kaoboii (okay okay, so there’s Jay and Grassy and Lamerooze as well, who are away from home), the chicken rice recipe is reproduced below:- (Above is for illustration purposes) Recipe serves 6. Ingredients (Photo A) 1 whole chicken, about 1kg, cleaned with the skin removed from its neck and rear end. 2TBs chinese cooking wine. 3/4 tsp salt. 4 cups rice, about 750g, rinsed and drained well. 1TBs sesame oil. 8 slices ginger. 3 cloves garlic, peeled, kept whole. 12 fresh red chillies. 1/2 tsp sugar. 1 cucumber, washed and sliced. Method 1. Steam the chicken in a steamer for about 20 minutes till cooked. Retain the chicken stock which is formed when the meat juices seep into the water used for steaming (See photo B). 2. When the chicken has cooled slightly, rub Chinese cooking wine and 1/4 tsp of salt on both the outside and inside (See photo C). 3. Allow the chicken to cool completely before cutting it up to serving slices. Set aside. 4. Add sesame oil, four slices of ginger and rice to a heated wok. Stir fry the rice for around 12 minutes until it turns translucent and the moisture has evaporated (See photo D). 5. Transfer the rice to the rice cooker. Add five cups of the reserved chicken stock, 1/4 tsp of salt and two cloves of garlic, ad cook the rice. 6. Blend the chillies with four slices of ginger and a clove of garlic. 7. To the chilli paste, stir in the sugar and 1/4 tsp of salt. 8. Serve the chicken slices with the cucumber and chilli sauce on the side. Bon Appétit! life IS….never THe the Way…. Am not exactly in the best of mood since Thursday evening. Life does spring its little surprises when you least expect it. Yeah, hell yeah, I am relieved that I don’t have to deal with that burdensome no career development job. But I guess, I am disappointed nonetheless that my expectation came true in the end. I think its just creepy, that my gut instinct somehow almost never fail me. Nonetheless, when the scenario that I replayed countless times in my head came true, it was still a hard pill to swallow. But, perhaps am less embittered than the others? Gosh, not too sure about that but heck, its happened and really the best is to move on and close the chapter. I am really grateful for the concern and care shown my way but I feel alone still. I can’t quite explain or pinpoint it, but its like you could have all the love in the world and yet you feel empty inside. Well, something like that…. sigh, I don’t know, to be honest. I think, right now, am just trying to be objective and rational about the whole situation. This is like a constant struggle with the other bit of me, that is disappointed, angsty, hermit-ish and short fused constantly. I can’t help it, I really can’t and I just want my way now. I know I should heed advice and listen but I don’t really want to, I feel extremely rebellious. I feel destructive?! Gosh, how wrong is that I should still behave like a kid and not feel apologetic! Am too wired up to sleep too. Too many thoughts are running through my head, too many scenarios, too many questions, too many of everything! Okay, maybe it were those freaky hours I kept for the past 3 weeks, it does take time to adjust back to normalcy. I shouldn’t rush the body clock, already its rebelling. Strangely but miraculously enough, the gastric attacks seem to have stopped almost overnight. For that, I am thankful, I was freaking out inwardly at the almost daily attack. I never had a relapse that bad since eons ago. To X, am touched that you try to be there for me when you can. You are great the way you are, you really are. I am sorry for sort of turning down your kind intention earlier, but please let me deal with this on my own first. Maybe its called pride, maybe its called dignity, am down but not out. I know I am stronger than this. This will not break me, not just yet. mémoires de classe C’est un beau Roman  Aux Champs Elysées   Some of the recent songs we learnt for an impromptu mass singalong session one Saturday afternoon.  Very fun, very spontaneous, very worth the hours spent in the classroom! le lever de soleil…. I can’t remember when was the last time I saw a sun rise.  Eons eons eons ago?!  These days, a sunrise greets me and signals the end to the work day.  And yes, beautiful are the simple things in life.  Here’s to many more sun rise sightings.  through THIang’s EYes….. Chanced upon Thiang’s entry “A MeMe that I Like” and for the heck of it, decided to leave a comment to see what she would…. 1. Tell you why I befriended you.  2. Associate you with a song / movie. 3. Tell a random fact about you. 4. Tell a first memory about you. 5. Associate you with an animal / fruit. 6. Ask something I’ve always wanted to know about you. Thiang’s answers:- 1. Because MSV keep telling nice things about you and I’m looking forward to see you.    2. Relient K - Let it All Out 3. You are a very ’steady/on’ type of person. (Is it? Coz’ I only met you once!) 4. Asking me along to go toilet with you all. 5. Phoenix 6. Are you attached? In response to her answers:- 1. LOL…. she did!?!  Guess I had bribed her well with the welcome to working world dinner 2. Spot on with the song…..very me!  3. Yes, am steady/on…. erm, consistent and focused too, I think! 4. Yups, because girls go to the ladies together and I figured you needed a walk to clear the alcohol 5. Waaah, I feel like a mythical sacred firebird already! 6. McDREamy! where is McDREamieeeeee     Number 7 was “You can opt to post this on your blog”.  I just did, girl! iDePEndz The daily fire fighters against the gastric attacks.  Somehow each attack seems to be more severe than before.  Guess the bodily system is having more difficulties adjusting than I thought.  Sigh….. lOOk eLSewhERe pLEasE It was one of those evenings when I saw Nelly online on the messenger.  Well, it wasn’t exactly a quiet evening for me at work and I had a hard time keeping up with the work emails, messenger, etc (sorry Shelly, I was busy trying to sort out a work issue at 4am this morning, sorry we couldn’t chat!).  Anyways, Nelly messaged me, kind of caught me unaware and chatted to me. Yeah, we chatted about work.  She told me her difficulties and frustrations she was currently facing.  I totally understood how she felt and I don’t envy her position.  Been there, done that, it really is a thankless shitty job.  Like I told her, a leader does not crack under pressure and instead should focus on the job and lead the troop in the battlefield.  Neither does a leader allow himself or herself to be affected by the negativity of the environment or colleagues.  Regardless of the circumstances, a leader should always remain composed and optimistic yet realistic. I think one reason why I had not stepped up was because I didn’t want that shit.  It wasn’t the case of I couldn’t do the job.  Deep down, I knew I would excel but a large part of me rebelled against that.  I just didn’t want to be the one to listen, to fight fires, to encourage, to motivate, to teach, etc.  I knew that by refusing to step up to the plate, it would cost me dearly in this job.  But honestly, looking at the current state of affairs, there isn’t much that would encourage me to step up. Perhaps also, I had not recovered yet from being backstabbed by my own boss in a previous job.  She was always resentful of the fact that I was the first hire for the new office in Asia.  She did not understand that her position and myself were meant to be the first hires together.  It was a case of no one suitable to fill her shoes, hence I got sent to the head office for work training.  In no way did I entertain thoughts of being the one to fill her shoes, simply because I didn’t want to.  Strangely, I guess I had exhibited the attributes that suggested that perhaps I could fill her shoes and that didn’t sit too well with that conniving bitch.  She did what she was best at, telling the senior guys at the head office tales and before I knew it, she had done me in.  I was forced to leave.  It was the kind of professional setback that I would never expect to happen to myself.  I lost the confidence.  My world came crashing down.  I was devastated and if it wasn’t for a bunch of chums who refused to let me spend too much time on my own, I may have never pulled myself together. Until now, I still have issues with the boss subordinate relationship.  You, who think I am overly dramatising, Fark you and farking fark off!  I suppose I had changed after that incident, professionally battered and not willing to step up anymore.  I don’t wish to deal with that crap anymore.  Let someone else deal with it.  Am recovering still, meanwhile let me rebel. unExpectEDly Second in command had replied to my email and it looked like he may have approved my leave plans.  Well, the last I checked (at least more than 10 times) the little black book of his’, there were no one on my team taking off during that period of time.  I was actually surprised that he replied to my email, but I guess its the post holiday good mood that he was in. No idea yet where I am headed to for a short break but I guess a break is always good.  Yeah, going on leave soon, I hope, fingers doubly crossed.  iLOve U sweetie…. Baby, I love you! You are such a pretty, sweet and docile baby Yes, it did hurt to have you pull and tug at my hair, necklace but it was worth it! I love your little ways, how you lean closer to me, the curious looks you throw around. I hope you felt safe and loved when I carried you. Sweet dreams, little angel….. iRaNT…. iRaNT…. This is a rant. I farking do not care when I rant.  Am farking pissed off and I do not mince my words.  Why the fark should I!?!  Seriously, if you really think I am this nice easy-going goody two shoes that you can step all over, you are farking bloddy wrong.  I am a bitch, a whiny narrow-minded cynical embittered bitch who does not forgive and forget.  I hate to apologise, why the fark should I when I don’t farking give a shit?  But I do, simply on a lip service basis.  I hate to say you are right, because you are farking not and I know it.  But I do, again on a lip service basis.  I hate to say its okay, never mind, because I farking do mind it shitloads.  But I do, I contain myself and pay the obligatory lip service.  I hate to say its okay, I am not angry anymore because that is the biggest farking lie.  I am continuously angry with had transpired and simmer with the anger.  Simply put, I don’t forgive and forget.  I hate to have to accommodate and the only farking reason why I accommodate is because I cannot be farking bothered to be dragged into a prolonged argument or discussion.  I hate to have to pretend that I am gracious and understanding because I am farking not.  Why the fark should I always put myself in your shoes or his’ shoes or her shoes?! HAS ANYONE tried putting himself in my shoes? No, never farking ever.  Push me into a corner and I don’t guarantee what will happen. I hate the world and myself today.  I farking do.