Splendour After watching the magnificent display of Beijing Olympics’ opening(I certainly wasn’t expecting that much! But Chinese being Chinese being the ones who care about “face value” the most… I shouldn’t be THAT surprised), I am seriously awed. I should know. I am a Chinese, not a Chinese chinese but still a Chinese, so I know how the “cannot lose” mentality works. And I would love to see how the English top it off at the next game (wah lau, things there so expensive, and if they import also lagi expensive!). If you have been to China’s trade shows, you will know that they are well capable of coming up of such productions, there is a reason why so many of our stuff are produced in China. Economical, good, and innovative. Besides the dazzling display… My favourite part was the part where I learnt to pronounce all the participating countries’ names(of course the one announce by the commentator and not the live hosts at the stadium), and thinking to myself how I never knew some of these countries exist. And then you realise, this is about sportsmanship, and it doesn’t matter how sensitive some of their backgrounds might be. I was silently pleased with myself when I trying to gauge when the teams I wanna see are coming out. As the countries are lined up based on the number of strokes to the Chinese characters, I was glad my “predictions” came pretty accurate - meaning I still remember how to count the strokes to the characters, as well as knowing the characters to these countries well. So my toilet breaks were nicely timed. I enjoyed seeing people of different race coming together, and seeing the excitement of the countries who took part in the games for the very first time, and then knowing how some of the countries are too poor and had never won a medal, but still relentlessly take part in every game, because honour to them, is not to have the most splendid ra-ra opening or the most number of medals, BUT completing the competition itself for their countries. And now… After watching the opening, how will National Day Parade match up tomorrow? Of course cannot compare, I know. Anyway, I am in bed for the 3rd day in a roll. After taking my Ponstans, my fever still hovers at 38 for the whole of today. Okay, but at least it is 37.9 now. And cos I already took 2 Ponstans at the prescribed timing, I seriously don’t want to OD myself. So I am just gonna accept the fact that I am just HOT. Like, seriously, very HOT. I finally took a bite this dinner, and it’s my only meal for the past 2 days. And after putting on weight, I am half glad seeing 49 on the scales. But I am not glad how I am still bed-bound. And today, I am too much of a chicken to shower. Again. Pills popping I am still running a fever. That is, even after 2 x 2 doses of Ponstan. I went back to the same doctor today, after my fever finally subsided a little, and the weather was good enough for me not to faint outdoors. I haven’t eaten anything today yet though it is no longer today as it is nearing 12.30am. I was given two days MC, meaning I might give tomorrow workday a miss if I am still feeling too groggy. I was jokingly saying that my long MC stint is gonna get me sacked. The doctor gave me an additional 20 pills for my nose(10 days dosage), on top of the 6 I complained of(maybe he psychic, knows what I wrote in my blog) in my blog, after seeing the state I was in when I staggered into his room. I now have 2 bottles of cough syrup. tons of lozenges. And many runny nose tablets to KO me. I spoke to my baby today and she roars like a lion. So cute and it cheered my day up. I feel as if I am quarantined, you know? Mum specifically instructed over her nagging session that I shouldn’t be anywhere near her. But! I finally showered after 2 days of no bathing. Hehehehe. My lips chapped too much from dehydration. I scared doctor want to drip me. Sick puppy So what could get worse from yesterday after my visit to the clinic? Or rather, after my previous post? I went to take a nap, and when I woke up, the sore throat is miraculously gone(or rather, my throat is all numb from the lozenges, but I can feel the throat is swollen). But my nose was caked with dried goo. My sore throat made me drool all over the pillow and bed. And then, I was shivering and feeling extremely unwell. How suey you tell me? After my trip to the doctor’s, I got fever. And my sniff sniff goo became green, and thick, and I was breathing like those perverts over the phone. And! I started coughing badly. I felt warm, I was delirious, and I couldn’t find fever medication. So, for the whole of yesterday, I saw the temperature shot up to almost 39, and then back to 38.5 and there about. I couldn’t sleep even though I took 2 medications that were supposed to make me drowsy. I was threatened with a cold bath, and I refused to go through that agony. I settled for the ice pack instead. I woke up every hour in the night, to either wrap tissue dumplings, or to check my temperature cos I could feel the heat from my duvet. It has been 18 hours since my fever, and I am still having a fever at 38.3, as of now. And I think my body has grown used to the heat, and besides being a little shiverish and feeling weak, I thought I was good enough to head back to work. I don’t remember the last time I had such an uncomfy fever, cos normally, they go away as fast as they came. This one, I tell you, made me so delirious that I was mumbling gibberish at one point last night. And because it happened after my trip to the doctor, I will need to head back to get another day of MC off. Grr…. And yesterday he only gave me lozenges, 6 tablets for runny nose(for 3 days), and antibiotics. I had to self medicate last night digging all the medication from wherever. Everything but fever medication, cos I seldom get high fever. And I ran out of aspirin. My dad’s paracetamol looked extremely tempting, but I don’t want to tempt fate(I am allergic to it). And I still couldn’t sleep. But at least, I can talk now. Bah. Of angryness I am PMSsy. What can be worse than that, you ask? I am sick. But it’s alright, right? It would be, if I am not having the mother of all sore throats. And couple with that, the sort of watery runny nose that doesn’t leave you time to grab a piece of tissue to blow your nose before it trickles down. And it isn’t a bad runny nose. But bad enough for you to breathe a little more difficult when sleeping, so that you can’t really sleep. Bad enough that when you finally can stomach down some food, you can’t taste any of it. And then, you sneeze. It sounds like what the little one has, except that after kissing her and hugging her to sleep on Monday night, I have inherited all the symptoms. And then. I played mahjong last night. It didn’t end very late, but it was already brewing. Bad enough for me to skip dinner. Me. Skipping dinner. Unheard of! (well, at least unheard of since I started having regular work days) Then, some inconsiderate prick(A GEMINI THIS TIME!) pissed me off. And the inconsiderate prick think it is money issues. Men ah, can be so stupid it is so hilarious. And the Mcdelivery boy who rung my bell TWICE when I asked him to hold on(I already opened the door for him and he impatiently gave me attitude when I asked him to hang on cos I was short of money, so when I was searching for cash - due to the incompetency of other inconsiderate men who had no sense of timing too - yet he kept pressing the bell to press me when I was trying to make up the sum). First, when order, inform lah. Second, after ordering, know what is SPEED UP and be AUTOMATIC a bit when you know people are waiting. Men ah, I tell you, they annoy you not only bit by bit, but waves after waves. So anyway. Telling everyone that you are heading home to play mahjong is not a wise move. Especially one that you could potentially fall sick the next day. So conveniently, it was a series of explanation to do cos… they knew I was playing mahjong last night. I also know very suspicious, but I got so stupid or not? But I am truly, honestly, ill. I couldn’t sleep cos it just got more uncomfortable for me, and it was 5 when I finally doze off, ever so slightly. Then I couldn’t breathe, and the ache got so bad I woke up to get some iced water to soothe it. I woke up at 10am today. If it was a sleeping in day, I will make sure I slept for at least 12 hours to make it worthwhile. So what is bad? Want to sleep but cannot!! I picked up calls all the way till 11 plus before my handphone battery died on me. When I tried to tell someone (INCONSIDERATE SCORPIO!) that I am on sick leave and I will arrange for his collection the next day, he still kept calling and asked if I would want to head out. Do I look/sound like I am well enough to head out?! Yes, of course, to the doc’s, and perhaps some grocery shopping(oh yes, nappies for Minibean), and also, the real reason of why I am so frustrated! I went to buy her stuff and I saw the whole shelf of PMS food I am craving for! But, of course, the pain in my throat is so painful(I can only remember one other episode of sore throat that is more painful that this, but this one is much more annoying. I will add on why later) that I don’t fucking dare lah. So, I was so angry that I swept those bags of chips and comfort food into my basket, without the intention to touch them(?????!!!!!). Then I bought food I can eat. Campbell soup. Mushroom with corn, mushroom with chicken, mushroom. Angry I tell you! Then I saw the new pack of Strepsils, which comes with Pain Relief, I happily wiped them off the shelves. I think I am going to OD on lozenges soon. ROAR! I went for lunch, finally. But my throat feels like the entire rim of it is on fire. Doc said it is very red. I was telling him this is my 5th episode of throat infection in 6 months, and if it was anything serious. He looked at me as if I was a psychotic, paranoid, freak. I went for something easier to stomach, and I adventurously ordered rice(PMS! Bo bian!), wondering how am I going to keep the food down cos I couldn’t even dare to swallow my own saliva. Pain leh! It is the kind of sore throat that you will salivate throughout the day kind cos you don’t dare swallow your food. Every throat infection I had, most are those I could still talk, or once, I had one that completely took away my voice. For the very first time, it is painful until I don’t want to talk. I DON’T WANT TO TALK LEH! HOW RARE! So to make up for it, I type very angstily. And it is so swollen that it feels like I have a finger perpetually stuck down my throat, and you can imagine that I feel like puking my food out every few minutes. But because I am really, really hungry(I tend to eat a lot during PMSsy days), I refused to let that happen. Yet, my runny nose made everything bland, tasteless! Argh!!! So when I was feeding myself. I thought of how painful it was, and how bland it was, I nearly burst out crying. I held back the urge, cos I so know I would really break down and cry at that instance. So I didn’t. And now, after the visit to the clinic, I am back home safely, and munching on my pain-relieving strepsil. Bluff people one. I think I need my runny nose med. Very, very, sulky. Contempt For that was it for me to brew contempt. And then, I realised, and I believe, I will never look back. 100 Years of Football: The Fifa Centennial Book I have copies(many many copies) of the above hard-covered book to give away. It is a pictorial book of the history of football, produced in 2004. Do leave a message if you are keen to own one of this piece of history. And if your friendly neighbourhood library needs a few copies here and there, feel free to refer them to me. Hurhur. Product description from Amazon.com: FIFA, the International Football Federation, celebrates 100 years of soccer with a beautiful gift book that every fan will cherish–the first official publication on the sport’s history, and the most comprehensive and wide-ranging. It’s filled with rare and breathtaking images, interviews with soccer’s top personalities, and other material from FIFA’s extensive archives. FIFA has spared no expense in creating this lavish volume, which celebrates a century of soccer–and the care shows on every page. It’s the fullest, most fabulous history ever of this global sport, beginning with the ancient ball games that were soccer’s direct ancestors, moving on to the establishment of official rules (in a London pub in 1863), and continuing right to the present day. All the richness and diversity of this extraordinary sport come through in an examination of different styles of play, various stadiums throughout the world, the international media coverage, and the growing importance of women’s teams. Money, politics, personalities, fan mania, the youthful players who are soccer’s future–they’re all here. Above all, there are the amazing pictures, which not only capture the excitement of the game (with players caught flying in midair, and even upside down) but also feature posters, images from magazines and newspapers, and paintings by soccer-loving artists. Like the sport itself, it’s simply magnificent. Eventless The weekend is a quiet one, as opposed to a buzz-filled week it was. A cozy Saturday night in, with nice food and sweet company(isn’t it amazing how much joy she brings to everyone?), before I dropped Minibean off at my cousin’s place(where Mum was taking the night off to play mahjong. We all now know it runs in the family) at Yishun. I got a rude shock when the little girl and little boys I last remembered, and the babies I last cradled, are all grown up. I wasn’t used when a mature female voice greeted me. I think just like how they are not used to seeing an adult me. “Wah! You are all grown up already, even with a baby now!” my cousin’s husband said to me. I was so overwhelmed that it was… surreal. I had to point to individuals to ask who those kiddos are(maybe in secondary school now?), before I realised I last saw them when they were really young. But but but, the last trip back to the village my mum came from, was when I was…. only 5 years ago? Granted, some of them weren’t there, and the last I saw them was when I was in my teens. As usual, when relatives started to say I look slim, my worst critic would reply, “She where got slim? Fat already!”. Knowing how they would not have good impression of me from the one-sided stories she loves to feed them with, I just unpacked the satays I brought, before I bade them goodbye. Even the nephew I used to detest playing with when I was a kid(the blankets were our superman capes) was wearing an army singlet, quietly sitting by his desktop and it was queer to recall why we used to outcast him so much. *** I wanted to write about an entry about how Citibank customers’ service sucks, then something else pissed me off more. They had been trying to contact me, they said, for 2 days, when they called on Saturday at my house phone. Truth is, I was speaking to one of them who told me the issue was not solved(I have called 1989755 times just to get someone to speak to me, basket!) on late Friday evening. So when I was happily napping my Saturday away, they called and my mum answered the call. And then when I finally woke up, she was being totally suspicious and asked if I had owe the bank money with my excessive spending, and thus the refusal to answer the calls with the bank chasing me for money. Of course, she will only think the worst of me, and not knowing how the banking system works, I couldn’t be bothered to tell her the entire gist. I impatiently replied that the bank is the one who owes me money after its deposit machine had retained my cash. They said they would contact me the very next day, and well, tomorrow will be a week from the day it happened. And I told her, “yah lah, you only think the worst of people lah, so suspicious for what? Mad.” And with the stupid Citibank asking for verification of mother’s name, she got excessive paranoid that I was hiring a hitman to silence her for finding out my secret or something. Of course it is not that, I think she was scared I was borrowing loan shark using her name. Hurhur. I got increasingly annoyed when my dad was sick today and asked her to cook those plain porridge and she simply refused to do so. How difficult can cooking porridge be? And he is not feeling well, and cannot eat oily food. All these after we gave into her “blackmail” demand for more money. Her attitude changed for the worse, for she thinks we gave in cos we admitted she was right, and we, wrong. *** Watched 2 movies on my desktop back to back. The dark and twisted Pathology(Er.. duh!), and the light-hearted Made of Honor. Went to sleep only at 5, and didn’t wake till almost 4pm. Oh well, an eventless Sunday and I wonder why do I even endure all these waiting just to bored the hell outta myself and getting my time wasted. The plus side is, at least I don’t go out, at least I don’t spend. I should have a life, and I should start planning for other things next weekend. It has been a long time since Friday-Saturday-Sunday mahjong. And it’s holiday next Monday. Woohoo! Days with my father Got this off Cowboy Caleb’s site. Something I think is definitely worthwhile to be shared. Days with My Father. You cannot not read this. Piscean and Scorpio men suck! It was finally Friday, and though we started off the morning a little sickie, Wifey and I agreed by noon that the arranged mahjong session was going ahead. Then, I went for a nice little lunch at Keppel Bay(where I bumped into Bernard and Zhihao), headed to town for a meeting which I almost forgot(thus, the tardiness of bad hair, glasses, and a totally stoned-out face), checked out some Ettusais and Shiseido counters, before i wrapped up the day and headed home. I bumped into Sonia, and in my excitement to say hi, the next thought that hit me was I was looking darn auntie that very day. Of course, I wasn’t recognised, which I have no one to blame but myself, and May and Audrey had a field day laughing at me. Boo. And I was told I was recognised, by my voice. Wahahaha. Anyway, when I was having my meeting, Effy messaged me to tell me that she was severely pissed with a Piscean man who decided to pull out last minute(ahem). And so, our contingency plan was to recruit this particular Scorpio man who once wrote in after the email recruitment drive we put on our blogs. He said he would reach at 8pm, so we played 3 kakis first. You know what time he called me back??? Fucking 1.23 am!!! Okay, fine, before that he called me at 9 to say he was heading to Funan. AFTER he agreed to come over at 8pm. I mean, IF all my friends were already there waiting for this said person, and they don’t happen to be 3-leg mahjong players, then we all would have been waiting like idiots! I will be so pai seh can? Of course, Effy, the Scorpio, was ashamed of her fellow Scorpio, and was equally pissed with the inconsiderate-ness of the said male who incurred our wrath, and we decided some men, we can do without. We played 3 legs lor. What to do. But it was cozy to be talking in the quite, open sense, with no need of censorship, which sometimes happen when we play with people we don’t know well. Fast paced also. So he said he would drop by after Funan, give him half an hour. And then ah, at 12 midnight, still no sound no picture! And only called back at 1.23am, when there was no better need for him anymore. At the end of the day, the Scorpio female was pissed by a Piscean, and the Scorpio male pissed me back. ROAARRR!!! I tell you ah, men ah…. don’t get me started -Ting does diva wave dismissively-. So, there are times, we really realise we need no men. Of course, Shaun, not talking about you, for without you, we couldn’t have played 3 legs last night. *** I dozed off almost immediately after jumping into my bed last night. I wonder why the fatigue these days. And it looks like it is gonna be another dreadful weekend. And yes, I need to get some stuff sorted out by Monday. Keeping fingers crossed. Woohoo, it’s one of the first times I have blogged on a weekend in a long, long while. Wah my blog becoming darn random. Oh. I hurt my finger. The little one pulled my hand in her little tantrum, and she dragged it across a metal strip, before she did a little pull. So, I have an L-shaped cut to my middle finger. It was bleeding a little, and I could see the depth of it. If she had given another little pull, I would have lost a tiny piece of flesh. The little one was also injury-prone yesterday. She fell on her right side and her right ear was bruised and raw. I saw a little blood clots, and thankfully it was nothing serious, though I swear it was painful to see that on her. The cockroach raped the grasshopper I said I was tired and I would blog. But the fatigue evolved into a nagging headache, which didn’t fade. I fell asleep by 8pm, thinking it would be a nap. A nap which I woke up to at 3am, and after being awake for 15 minutes, I drifted back to deep sleep. Then, it was 7.50am. My head still felt heavy. I think it felt as heavy as steel. At least it is not plastic nor air, I think. I left home feeling groggy, and started my day with a painkiller, because I couldn’t find my muscle-relaxant. I still feel like I was going to faint anytime when I headed out the door, and by the time I reached office. Thankfully, the pain subsided gradually, and I feel better at the office today, than say, yesterday. I am just hoping all these calmness is not just a sign of a storm brewing. *** The past week is filled by event after event. Nice lunches after lunches. I had nice dinner on Monday, good lunch on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday and if everything goes on smoothly, today too. But of course, that means more things to do and fulfill. *** Today while waiting for the lift, I saw this little creature on the fake ceiling. The head and its feelers looked a little strange to me, and it reminded me of my worst nemesis. But the legs don’t look like leh. I showed the picture to my colleague who gave me a lift, and then he said it was a grasshopper until he decided the head of the insect looks like a cockroach. “I think something happened between a cockroach and a grasshopper.” But why would a grasshopper go for a cockroach?! “I think the grasshopper must be very traumatised.” “*Gasp* I think the grasshopper was raped by the cockroach.” “Sigh. Very sad for the grasshopper.” Do you think the creature will feel inferior about itself? Of course, it might be an actual creature, which I have no idea what it is. Do enlighten me Lifeless I am so tired that it is so not funny. Will blog more later. Bah. Joke of the day Busy day. But something really made me laugh real hard at work. The Many Lies of Barbie. Okay, some joke(r) to occupy you guys before I am occupied by work. And coincidentally, we had lifeless big eyes staring into our eyes last night when Effy and I were out painting the Sunday’s town red. And somewhere.. I think there is a paparazzi snap out there… A week of words To sum up this week, which feels too draggy and too long, is “words”. Colleagues are saying how “docile”(wahahaha!) I have been. But all I can think of, is that I have simply exhausted all my words. This week is a word-intensive one. Using words to spite, using words to convince. Using words to fight for pride, using words to fight for causes. I don’t feel like speaking today, and knowing how I always am, that’s pretty much a surprise to those around me. Strangely, it reminded me of something this chap from my secondary school once told me. I listened to words. I listened to words that I have to put up with. Words that stripped me of dignity. I cooked up words. To assure. Then, it was words that became weapons. Then, it was words that became business. Then it was words that didn’t mean anything to me. Then it was words to pitch, again, and again, for something to take off. Then it was a long evening on Wednesday when I didn’t return home till late from office. It was a Thursday evening when I alighted at the wrong place, and I strolled past pretty houses that I could never afford to stay in. And then it hit me - I don’t, and have never, belonged. Meaningless, meaningless words to introduce myself. Meaningless, meaningless words. Then, there are words from Minibean. She seems to be mimicking adults, and try to talk gibberish as if she is talking. So cute, I tell you And then some other words that came in. “You were always there for me in the past, n baby brought me so much joy. I really wish I could turn back time. I swear to God on my whole family that almost every day I’d go facebook and browse through the photos of you and baby, and it always puts a smile on my face after that. I hate my life now, and I goddamn fucking hate destiny….. “ I chewed back at the past, and thought of the present moment, and it would be a lie to say I don’t feel the same way about life, and destiny. Destiny and fate, is it always what it is, or is it a better consolation than anything else that couldn’t quite explain? I know not what, and I ain’t sure anymore. Maybe, chances are meant to be given. Then again, are we ever healed to do that? I know not. I ain’t sure anymore. At least those words, in comparison, don’t make me sneer at its insincerity(it would have been, in the past, the girls would know hahaha) like those I have to face these days. This week, there were many moments, even in the company of my colleagues, I would feel the urge to burst into sudden tears, but I could always bite it back. These things make people stronger, and I like the way it is. I feel like… I feel as if… the next word that I speak will drain me of my last energy. But at least, I can type. Yay. Friday. My favourite people are flying back this week. Next week will be a busy one, and it would be good to keep me away from the meaningless beings in my life. Anyway. Things are happening next week, woohoo! It is always such a joy to see things you are building up, taking place. Yay! Hisses I love fangs. They make people cry so I don’t have to. I love the high when I sink them deep into the flesh, spreading the poison that was once shot round my body. Careful. I won’t forgive just like how they never do. Numbing Intensity. Salt on pain, that’s what it is. Like a live wire spreading its current down every, single nerve. The more painful, the more you grit your teeth and brace yourself straight to bear with it. Blanking out, not listening, to words that hold no more meaning. Sneers barged in, sarcasm seething, leaving wounds too sore to touch. A contest of which words are the sharpest, and could plunge into the deepest realms of the heart. Joy! As the blood sept and soaked. Joy! Constant stabs to the vital wounds, old and new. And then, it was numbed. You know, I think I am kinda addicted to the high when the salt touches the wound. It was like a test how long I could take the pain before I lick the coat of salt away. 2 bubbling ulcers. A nasty finger that rubs salt onto them furiously, making sure the pain consumes. And then, it was bare, raw, and bloody. Then, you hardly feel it. *** I was lulled to sleep by tears, as thoughts of her slipped in. I slept well last night, only to be roused by the rattling rain. I wish I could sleep on, but I didn’t. Cloudy vision and all. I wish I am happy but I ain’t. I wish I am sad but I ain’t. When you don’t feel, everything’s a shade of neutral. Nothing more, nothing less. *** Whee! Joy! Popeye’s for lunch yesterday! Oily stuff ain’t friendly stuff. I should refrain from that for a while. It’s midweek. Tomorrow, she shall be back, and maybe, just maybe, I will be back, too. Wrapping up Monday I am missing my internet access, and the liberty to surf. Alas, straight after leaving office, I will feel trapped and have my wings clipped, yet again. I know I haven’t been posting up Minibean’s pictures recently, and I promise I will start to do so, as soon as…. I can. Pretty swarmed. Hardly even noticed the time breezing by. And I am missing time at work even more these days. Hardly want to head home. Home. Where is it? Home sweet home I love the familiarity and security home. I can’t believe I am homesick. Even if it was just a couple of days. Sadness I could see the sadness in their eyes when I brought baby away. Dad told me how it made him think through day and night, cos he is afraid baby will grow up with the past haunting her, just like how mine had. He wants a better environment for her. With great sadness, he cupped her cheeks in his hands, and kissed her goodbye. I know it was painful for him, and that image, almost made me cry. It eventually did. I cried thinking of my parents feeling a little empty, a little loss, without her. All in all, I am a little lost too. *** I am still feeling a little floaty and airy today. Spent the night waking up intermittently to see if I had squashed her or if she was cold. But most of the time, it was her flying kick to my face that made me grab her feet and hold it close to me as I went back to sleep. Her hand felt a little cold, yet she kicked away the blanket, so I just inched up closer to her, and held her tiny hand. I watched her sleep in the car yesterday and she is such a girly-girl now. She learns very fast. So fast. Tramadol Tramadol rocks! But just not enough. I went to sleep on Tuesday night with a slight sore under my left jaw, and I know it was my lymph node(I nearly said nymph node! Haha! Nympho!) that was causing the pain, and could sense the left throat getting a little rough. I woke up on Wednesday feeling a little unwell, with the pain stretching itself to my ear. It was like the pain is stuck between a hollow between my throat and my neck, and I couldn’t quite describe where it was. But I could feel the pain of my lymph node spreading, as if linked by a nerve, to expand its sphere of influence. By afternoon, I was experiencing sharp, throbbing pain right above the ear, and then, at the back of my head, and then the top of my scalp. My scalp was so sensitive that any slight tug of my hair when I comb my fingers through it, would cause intense sharp pain that made me yelp. I had to press the side of my ear, and the back of my skull, just to alleviate the pain. It comes and goes, and comes when I least expect it, like when I tilt my head a certain angle and when I lean down to pick up some stuff. Excruciating. The pain got more intense and it felt like someone was stabbing me in the head with a knife repeatedly and I started to feel it was affecting me at work, and then I placed one hand on the points just to make it more bearable. I didn’t cry during labour, but hell, I was on the verge of bursting into tears because of the pain. I realised what is worse than a migraine. A nerve-headache. One that gets you by the nerves, tugs at your scalp, and crawls its way to every part of your body. So, after a meeting at Clarke Quay, I scurried to the nearest clinic at Marina Square to get it diagnose. May told me how the last time there was this really cute doctor there(young, attentive and blarblarblar), and I decided to try my luck. Imagine my horror when I went into the room and there sat a man who looks older than my dad! He looks more than 70 and I could really feel a shock registered on my face. I am not quite sure if it was because it wasn’t a young man like I had expected, or was it because I have never met any doctor this aged. But he reminded me of my dad. And he was nice and assuring he wasn’t like the silly doctor at Takashimaya who doesn’t give his patients a damn. I noticed the shake in his hand that was probably brought on by age, and as he reached for the thermometer, or the wooden stick(throat is inflamed), or the torch for the ear(no infection, thus it was the nerves, not that the infection spreaded), his pace was one that was diluted by age. I felt a sadness surging in me. He wrote the diagnosis as he steadied his hands, and took his time to listen to me as I listed the symptoms and said how the pain was nearly killing me. He asked if I was allergic to Penicillin or if I have any allergy. I affirmatively said no, and added I have an allergy to Panadol, though. I walked out of the consultation room and towards the lady at the counter. While waiting, he came out to join the lady, as if looking for company. I noticed the slight hitch in his gait, and then I swear I nearly burst out crying. He sat down beside the lady and spoke in Cantonese, “Your work seems to be endless…”, and the lady replied the list of reports she had to complete. As she was churning out the medication, she turned to him and reminded him, “She can’t take panadol but this is acetaminophen…” He “oh..” and thought for a moment, before asking her if there is Tramadol, and to prescribe me with it. The lady then passed him the prescription slip and patient’s card for him to correct the mistake, just like how a teacher would point out a mistake and the student would write the correct one above it. I am not sure if I was just a wreck of emotions or what, but I felt bad for him. Perhaps because, he reminded me so much of my dad. Who recently, as he aged, told me how he doesn’t feel as nimble as he was in the past, his leg is becoming no good(I saw the little hitch in his walk, and I was worried and asked him about it, though he said he doesn’t feel any pain or difference, just that it just isn’t as good as before), and his grasp is just not as steady as before. When my dad makes mistakes, he will just say how he is getting old, and getting incompetent, unlike before. And then I started to wonder if the doctor was embarrassed, thinking if the lady and I were judging him because he is old. My dad had insisted on working even though he is past his retirement age, so that he could still gel with the society and feel useful. Sometimes I think he is lonely too, and I wonder if the doctor refuses to retire for the same reason. *** I took Tramadol last night, and I was told it is a muscle relaxant as well by the lady. I skipped the pill cos it is supposed to cause drowsiness, and took it only at bedtime. The pain was starting to get really, really bad. When I was going to sleep, I spent some time with Minibean though I found it incredibly hard to stay focus. And then I fell asleep. I felt floaty. I felt… woohoo, good. The pain subsided(the pill is for moderate to severe pain), and then it was bearable enough for me to sleep. I woke up today feeling weightless and as if my hands were too heavy for me to lift. It was a floaty feeling and I actually, feel.. high. I read up about Tramadol about how it also acts as anti-depressant and helps to alleviate withdrawal symptoms for opiates. I am starting to suspect that I have finally found the happy pill I have been looking for. The pain is still nagging at the back of my head, but I could feel how it is really suppressed by it. Tramadol rocks man! I seriously don’t feel well Sparkle in his eyes Over dinner, Dad lifted his head and then spoke. “When I got back home, Tongtong was so happy she was showing me how she can play the drums(we bought her a set of drums for babies!).” Dad had such pride on his face, such sparkle in his eyes, and a smile that nearly reduced me to tears. I freeze-framed the moment, and told myself I will write it down, for one day, when she grows up, she will know what she had done as a baby that captured the hearts of the adults around her, especially that of my dad’s. How he laughed happily, amidst all his stress and frustration, when she pulled him to his feet when he got home, refused to let him sit nor lie down, so she could “dance” with him. She would pull his huge hands with her tiny ones, and step 2 steps forward, step two steps backward, and gurgle as if counting “1, 2, 1, 2″ as the beats. How she would imitate his snores. Gee, she would even wave her hands in the air imitating how gonggong wash the mahjong tiles. And the look on my dad’s face, whenever he recounts each and every progress of Minibean, is one, I will always remember. One of pure joy, and one that moves me. One day, I will tell her, how much she means to everyone of us, and the differences she made. For I, can’t quite remember when was the last time, I saw my Dad this way, before Minibean burrowed into our lives. Absolutely random It is just another usual day at work, and I was out overseeing a shoot. I liked the styling and the art direction, and of course, the company was good as I met some of the old pals from my old company. Everything went on pretty well and extended a little as they had wanted to shoot more of the products. The models were HOT man. And it just makes us seething with envy that we can’t be like them. And I love the wardrobe lah! Though it looks very sala on me, and the Minnie ears are just too cute! I just thought they are so pretty! And I want one of those too! Had lunch with the guys before heading back to hole up in the office for the rest of the day. *** The weekend was interesting. Played mahjong on Friday though I was in a total anti-world mode. Spent Saturday and Sunday(and pretty much of Monday) reading, before I finally finished the Pact. I brought baby out on both days, heading to the neighbourhood mall, and also to the playground. It was a weekend well-spent. *** Had lunch at Sentosa again on Friday(buffet!), and the place is really nice! Totally random, Minibean was absolutely lovely over the weekend And totally random.. I think I have to go make sure I have no stray forum postings elsewhere that will expose not only my fake nose, my fake heritage, and of course, my fake innocence after sleeping with record company bosses. Muahahahaha. You know ah, next time if I do get married(not that I believe in those marriage bull anymore), I sure will engage these people as my PIs. With men’s stupidity, they might just be as silly and rat themselves out, just -snaps fingers- like that. (I still don’t like my wordpress very much) My world is not big enough I realised I haven’t quite gotten down to journaling my trip (or rather, journey of a lifetime) to Moscow. And then, I think of how I have prisoned myself in my own world that I have not seen, nor experience much in recent years. I decided I don’t want to let go of the memories, nor do I want them to slip away into oblivion. Memories are like a burst of colours, most vivid when they are freshest, and somewhat, they fade, and the bad ones, stain. So. This new category, shall be of things I see, I feel, when I am not in my own world. And perhaps, it will piece together the snippets of Moscow, which so deservingly, let themselves known here. ROOOOOOOOOOOOAR! The weekend was one where I could almost bite off anyone’s head. Especially that of men. I tell you ah! Don’t know they are all the same, or just all the same, the more I talk about them, the more disdain.. no, sorry, cold and indifferent(woohoo, this is more potent than anything else) I feel about them. You know what is the funniest thing? They like to say, “XXX and YYY so shouldn’t have done that, they are just blarblarblar and a guy should never -insert righteous principles here-”. No matter how nice, how decent, how sensitive they are to your, or your friends’ feelings, they will ALL end up doing the SAME THING! But NOoooooooooOOOooOO, they will say, “NO! Different! Don’t compare me with them! Why are you talking about them! I am not them!!” But the gist of it all boils down to the same elements. You men just think all of us women are idiots, fools, or simply imbecile. Eh, uncles and pigheads, get this into your peabrains, we fakeeeee stupid so you can feel better about yourselves, not because you can do all those things and get away scot-free hor. Don’t play around with words and think we stupid stupid like that bimbo you bruffed hor, and think we cannot read between the lies hor. Don’t think anyhowly say some sweet things ah, then you think the whole world gonna think better of you, or even better, we stupid stupid(sometimes ah, we just give chance, not because we really stupid, but cos we believe in the good of human beings, we women are great in that sense, I tell you!) ignore all the mistakes, and then the halos to your wholesome holy images will be switched on again. Then hor, you think by distraction, by not explaining(cos all the lies busted liao mah!), you think everything would just go away, cos…… by some pure magic, you think that will make you innocent and helpless in front of mad, crazed women like us. Then then then, it gives you perfect excuse to say how wronged you are but you just don’t want to explain yourselves. ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAARRRR! Bite you ah! Then then then, the worst ah, is those who say they won’t do ah, then ah, crucify those bad boys and say they shouldn’t shouldn’t whatever, end up doing the sam You you you you you! Sama!!! Then ah, twist twist twist your words, machiam sound so sincere and romantic, but who you trying to play? Me or Casanova? Sometimes ah, it is not what you do you know? You think we all women cannot take it, cos the truth is you all cannot accept yourselves, and you guys cannot take it that you are as bad as the others you condemned, then you all twist twist twist, but what we angry with is that you take all of us as suckers(literally and figuratively), and think that we have no idea! We got very clear idea you know! Without contact lens and hindsight, still 20/20 you know! Don’t rouse the cynic in me you know, cos I bite you ah! And then, maybe you think that’s a mad woman talking right? Then, when the coldness comes, don’t say we are cold-hearted bitches, simply because we stop believing. Go find those shallow shallow ones with holes one la! Give you one time(or many times) good good, and believe whatever shit you say, and never question you, who will give and take unconditionally. Give you herpes and take your money. This kind you all like right? Go go go! You men ah! Got hair no hair all the same! Small dick big dick all the same! Bad boys good boys all the same! Angry like a potato. Pfft. And yes, I am bleeding today. And no, it doesn’t make me feel any better. Fucking stay away. Peaceful and nice Strangely, these 2 days have been nothing but peaceful and nice. One half day leave later, I am back to work today. With freshly bought clothes off the rack at a 50% sale. Buying a pair of jeans and casual top just for casual Friday doesn’t seem economical enough. Minibean drew, watched kiddo VCDs (as much as I don’t like Barney, but she actually sits quietly and watches it, swaying to the music), ate endlessly, and exercised. I am glad with the way she is learning, really Away So. Big Tin of milk powder, check. Blanket, check. Pillow, check. My own baby pillow, oh, check. Spare clothes from the bamboo poles, check. One set of clean undies and a set of work clothes, check. Pram, check. Diapers. Bought from petrol kiosk. Check. Work stuff. Check. Door to my room, lock. At 11.30pm, I ran away from home, with baby in tow. Dad was already out, trying to get away from all the madness. This morning, I found out he never went home either, but opted to stay in his office for the night. I had tears in my eyes when I heard how he is suffering as much as well. That ended the eventful night that I have no wish to recall. My mum just went mad She just cursed that she hopes I will run down by a car. Get hit when I am on a bike. Get strike by thunder. She says she will disown me. She says she is going to jump down. She says she will call up the newspaper and television to tell people what I did to her(???), like seriously? All because she is sore cos SHE THINKS I treat the maid better than her. She says she is going to my office tomorrow to tell the whole world I am useless, lazy, dirty, and irresponsible mum. Er, though I don’t know how she does that all the same time. Anyway. She went into a rage I find so familiar. It seems like I am 16 all over again, the very reason why I know I cannot live with her. And. She did it in front of my child, something I cannot accept. I went into my room, and called my auntie, her sister, for help. I let years of grievances out and let her hear the side of story of what she used to tell people, where she conveniently left out how I was abused by her. She also used to tell people how useless and naughty I am, when I was a child, the only thing I did was actually, to be never good enough. Today is the day I regret ever letting her taking care of Minibean. And I am going to change it, at this moment. And I did what I didn’t do in the past. I broke down and cried, and not let defiance take over. Strangely, I am smiling and singing to my daughter at the same time to keep her occupied. Family drama I blogged for quite long, so I wondered why didn’t the fucking wordpress even saved a draft. So I was saying that the equation of having 5 people in the house proved to be a dreadful one, with the drama unfolding so soon into the combinations. So anyway, it all started this morning when it was such a nice weather to stay in. When Dad and I were heading out, I reminded my mum of the technician coming today to install a phone line in the hall since the only phone line has always been in my room. She asked why not install it in her room and I started saying it is also for the maid in case of emergency. She started saying how she would be home anyway, and I replied saying that when she is in Malaysia, and the maid and baby are in Singapore, it will be more convenient. She got upset. She started sarcastically saying, “Oh, I see! Baby and maid in Singapore, I return to Malaysia lah.” Obviously that wasn’t what I meant, and I ….. Anyway, I am no longer in the mood to re-blog. The series of things that happened today made me rethink a lot. I have decided to uproot Minibean, and I spoke to Dad about it. He sounded very down and sad, understandably, but he respected my decision on what is best for her. I know it sounded very much like impulse, but nah, it is really something I would want to do, to make sure she grows up well and have a healthier environment. Nahbeh. I blogged a long post to rant about my family drama. Then the window closed itself. And Mozilla and wordpress failed me at the same time by not saving it, at all. Fuckers. Missing loneliness The weekend was pretty interesting, with a long weekend where I enjoyed a little bit of everything I wanted to do. Like sleeping till late noon(or was it almost early evening) on Friday, after watching The Other Boleyn Girl on my desktop on Thursday night. Read Angels and Demon. Rockbanding. And then it was an impromptu session of Mahjong. Reading again(I feel intellectual! Yay!). I didn’t sleep all that much, and woke up at 11 am on Saturday morning. Wow. Morning on a Saturday. How… productive(no oversleeping like the day before! Yay!). Out for lunch at Jurong Point foodcourt(no atas food! Yay!). Watched Get Smart with my complimentary tickets(Didn’t waste money! Yay!). Bought 2 more books(Buy 1 Get 1 Free from Popular! Yay!). Head home and bade goodbye to my peace. I’ve got a new maid. From Myanmar. Dad had hired her many months ago, and paid a lump sum so that for the next 2 years she would be contracted to us. A young woman who has never been a maid, I think. She spoke minimal English and communication is a bitch with me wildly gesturing and me not understanding myself either. So the first day of orientation had me showing her where the chute is(and how to pull it open to throw the garbage in), how to operate the washing machine(I hope she understands separating the darks and pales BETTER than my mum), and gave her a list of numbers to call. Honestly, I don’t like having a maid around. Like seriously? But of course, there will be someone to take care of Minibean when she goes to childcare(which means, more Minibean! Yay!), BUT I will be constantly fearful of what the maid will do to my baby, you know? But she seems nice enough, and as clueless as us. But I think she doesn’t quite like to do what she’s doing. From what I know of her, she has a degree in Law, and I wonder if this will be too much of a downgrade to her. I am thinking if I should buy her a new water bottle, or a plush toy(she brought along a Mashimaro toy I think) just so she would fit in better. She says prayer every night, and I am thinking oh joy, now I have 3 religions in the household. I spoke to Minibean on Saturday, and she was so happy when she was on the phone. I was telling Effy how she is reciting A to U when someone is guiding her, she says night and morning, she says dog dog, cat cat, car car, bird bird, flo-wer, water, milk milk, mummy, no, yah, thank you, pleaaaaaaa(please), baby and the list go on and on. And of course, with her screaming MAMA! over the phone was the sweetest sound of all(coupled with her laughter). It was hardcore rockbanding for the evening, with another impromptu late mahjong session disrupting it. I stayed up till 5am with some reading before hitting the sack. It was 10 plus in the morning when her loud chuckles woke me up. And it was a busy morning. My mum who knows little English trying to communicate with the maid, and me struggling to understand both of them. Dad came home and the family headed out to IMM for a nice lunch(strangely, Minibean didn’t resent the maid carrying her in the car, and for the first time ever, she didn’t even fight to grab for anything else! She just sat quietly and playing with me), before doing speed shopping at Giant. It was indeed speed shopping for 200 worth of grocery, and Dad brought Mum and the maid home, before we shopped for a while more. Had western dinner, and I even managed to bring Minibean to the playground before that, where she sat on the swing(by herself and not me carrying her) and the slide for the first time. She saw a Labrador, and she kept pointing at it and went “Dog Dog!” and “Bao bao!” and she would gesture to hug. I think she was trying to tell me she wanted to hug the dog. She walked towards the dog intrepidly and started to imitate the woofs. She even wanted to get down from the swing just to walk towards the dog to have a closer look. I am glad she loves animals I think I need to teach her some manners, cos she suddenly lunged towards the table and climbed onto it when a big platter of fruits was served. She put grapes into her mouth at 0.5grape/second rate. She danced to the music and then it is funny looking at other adults swaying together with her, hoping she would imitate them. I think seeing how she likes water, I should bring her to swim this week! (Auntie Effy, ai mai? I never see you in swim suit before though I have seen your nipple!) It was 9ish when we finally got home(she fell asleep in my arms), and after a nice, long shower, I finished watching CSI(sheesh, I finished 2 finales - New York and Las Vegas, and I must say the finales made me very very very very angry. I even angrier the next episode is only out in late September/early October). I drummed. I read a few pages. I slept at midnight. Whee. And it is Monday. No Monday blues. No breakfast(on a diet lah! My tummy is scary-ly big! I no money like some “BIG” blogger who can zhng so much!). And plenty of stuff to accomplish before I can go home to a nice home-cooked meal. Minibean waiting for me at home(Yay!), her hair is already touching her shoulder you know(please bear in mind baby doesn’t have big heads and long necks, so her hair does not look long, but it is still a progress!)? I have much things to do. Paying for a couch, new curtains, kitchen. And removing the cot that brought back lotsa touching memories but best kept forgotten. And I am sure this week is just gonna be great And yes, I still miss the loneliness, the solitude. And sometimes, even the emotions, which made me feel the most. Envy! Note that it is envy, not jealousy ah… (careful hor, or else I sue you). I was almost as excited as May when she MMS me all the way from Japan, where she had her true love from another true love as her early birthday present! I can’t wait to see the Chanel 2.55 which Gary bought for her over there which comes with a hefty near $5k price tag, and the colour is not available in Singapore yet. So nice!! I know how long she has been hankering for it, and I am just glad it will keep her very happy for her upcoming birthday. I think she is totally deserving of it after all her hard work, and her thoughts that went into his surprise party. I also want to find a husband. Correction, a doting husband. Those available out there already go bring others go Bali for Valentine’s, and unless I splurge on plastic surgery intensively to net myself one of those old men (cough, Singapore, cough, dawn, cough, plastic, cough, liar, cough), I think very hard leh. I must save very long you know. And when I save the money, I will be wondering to “zhng” myself first, or should I buy myself a bag. Then I will remember that I have too much to zhng, and I don’t think I can give the Chanel bag any justice Not forgetting I have a big purchase coming up, and also, preparing myself for the days when my parents are going to ask money from me again(yah, parentS, no longer parent). That’s why I have been having free lunches for the whole of this week, with the exception of Monday(D: Have you paid for lunch this week? T: Got! Monday! D: Cool! Me too!). Not that we are cheapos, but it just happened that this week we have met quite a bit of vendors, and the colleague who is on his last day today gave us a treat on Tuesday. So many wants, so many lusts. So I will just be looking forward to see May’s new bag when she comes back to the office, and be careful not to drool over it! Tomorrow is off-day. Woohoo!