Aspire One: Nice But Hella Overpriced I was THIS close to plonking down for an Aspire One for the missus. Until I found out the Windows XP version in Malaysia is a fucking ripoff. Let’s see: USA: 1.6GHz/1GB/160GB/WINXP/6-Cell Battery/RM1,316 (USD399) Malaysia: 1.6GHz/1GB/120GB/WINXP/6-Cell Battery/RM1,699 That’s RM383 more for CRAPPIER SPECS. Look Acer, you want to rip us Malaysians a new asshole? Get in line. You ain’t getting my shrinking Ringgit that easy. Let see if Dell is any better when they launch the Inspiron 910 this Thursday. The Best How-To Thread In The Universe This epic discussion on how to kill a fly without a fly swatter has been going on for over 3 YEARS. Some of my favorite comments: 3. Superglue dental floss to the butt of the fly. Tie other end on your finger. You now have a mini fly-kite, with no wind needed! (this actually works better with junebugs and moths.) … 6. Construct larger wings for your new fly pet. Make them out of paper, draw rockets and machine guns, then glue to fly wings. Conquer small third world countries with new destructo-fly air force. Works best with step 1. Post videos of maiden flight on youtube. Found: The LOLdance The dance at 0:53 is absolutely riot. Imagine a flashmob dancing to this! And the LOLs that will ensue! And the cops who will pursue! Pai pai pai, cincilori! Pai pai pai, cincilori! Phones of the Future When it comes to mobile phones, Japan is years ahead of the rest of the world. While in Malaysia and most parts of the world Sony Ericsson’s current top-of-the-line camphone is the 5 megapixel C902, Japan has, well, EVERYTHING: Large, delicious OLED screens, 5 megapixel cameras with 3x OPTICAL ZOOM, barcode scanners, digital wallets, Sayaka Ando, etc. etc. Just browsing through their website is like taking a peek into the future. Come on SE, where’s the lovin’? Enrique Iglesias… Charming But holy crap, listen to THAT. He would make Simon Cowell cry. Hell, I’M crying, and so is the neighbor’s cat. I was about to wish you a good weekend, but I don’t think there’s a chance of that now. The Real Reason We Watch The Olympics via Cool Photos Moments like these that warm the cockles of your heart. Nasi Lemak Wrap. WTF. Dude A: Eh Saiful, boss is asking we to tink up new produk for dis month promosyen wei. Dude B: Adoi susah. Wat produk we do dis time le. We already do nasi lemak, egg wrap, bubur and mee maggi. Dude A: I pun duno la, las time we brainstorm kan, we combine the sos wit the zinger. Dude B: Ah I no! We put nasi lemak in the egg wrap! Dude A: AKU SUKA DORAEMON!!!! Dude B: KAMEHAMEHA!!!! Yes, it makes total sense. Japanese Tourist Visa Requirements: Tighter Than a Frigid Virgin’s Vajayjay They need written, certified documentation for everything. Bank statements, guarantee letters, a detailed account of manga read since puberty, list of dubbed Doraemon episodes watched, number of Sayaka Ando pictures collected etc etc INCLUDING proof of my status as a copywriter, as a tourist, as a human, as a mammal. Thank you, you overstaying Malaysian scumbags who made all this possible. May your next piece of karaage lodge itself in your throat permanently. My Sexy, Slim New Companion Alright, I already have a sexy, slim new companion i.e. my wife, but I am referring to the Sony Ericsson C902, and I offer you a one word review: AWESOME. What, not enough? Do I need to mention the deliciously sexy design, the solid metal build, the perfectly adequate 5 megapixel camera, or the super slick menus that don’t look like they were squeezed out of Lil’ Kim’s ass after a week of burrito dinners? No. Because I slept at 3am last night, and I need to save my remaining energy to walk the 4 feet to my bed. And that concludes what this random schmuck on the web has to say about his new phone. Say ZZZZzzZZZ! Oh Lawd If watching this video doesn’t make you laugh, you probably have no soul, or are a certain pastor in my church. I could hardly contain my bowels. The star of this video is televangelist Robert Tilton, author of the best-seller “How to Pay Your Bills Supernaturally.” (Re)Touch My Body This cover version of Mariah’s hit single is a winner, even if you have to wash your eyes with boric acid afterwards. This Movie Is Never Gonna Let You Down From wikiupload Roll, Rick Roll. He’s never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. Armor of Dork Underwear of Capitalism sold separately. The Scunthorpe Problem The problem was named after an incident in 1996 in which America Online’s dirty-word filter prevented residents from the town of Scunthorpe, North Lincolnshire, England from creating accounts with AOL, because the town’s name contains the substring cunt. Years later, Google’s filters apparently made the same mistake, even when residents searched for local businesses with Scunthorpe in the name. Residents of Penistone, South Yorkshire, experienced problems because the town’s name includes the substring penis, while Lightwater in Surrey suffered similarly because its name contains the substring twat. Hehehahaheyeah. This reminds me of my friend Cuntrider McClitface. OK, I don’t really have such a friend (not by that name, at least), but that would be cool. Bleeding Love I do not wish to cause widespread panic among the hot young girls of Kuala Lumpur, but I believe I’m getting married this Friday. I say this now that you may have ample time to flee the city. You have been warned: I WILL be wearing snappy red suspenders. Haha, just joshing – I’ll be in a Goomba suit. Now I’m sure you have some questions, questions such as “How does one get into this thing called marriage?” We’ll address them here, in the handy Q&A format: Q: How does one get into this thing called marriage? A: First, you erect a tacky marriage proposal on daddy’s giant billboard along a major highway, showing off a giant diamond ring that nobody and their turtles believe you can afford on your peasant Accounts Executive salary with an advertising agen– oh wait. Wrong script. What I meant was, first you need a girlfriend. That’s important. Once you get one, you then start spending ridiculous amounts of time together and spend all of your disposable income for the next 2-6 years trying to impress each other. Then you ask her the big question when the time feels right. Q: But how will I know if the time feels right? A: You’ll know if the time feels right when you pass a wedding fair and feel her elbow embed itself in your ribs. Do not be alarmed by this. This is your cue to fall on one knee and blurt, “Honey… will you marry me?” Bonus Jerry Points if you manage to to sneak in a “You complete me” without feeling like an unoriginal cheeseball loser. Then, after she screams “YES!!!” and tramples over you in excitement to the nearest jewelry shop, your next step is to seek emergency medical attention. You’ll need to be 100% for Phase 2, trust me. Q: What is Phase 2? A: Phase 2 is the wedding preparation phase. If you’re Chinese, this phase will involve a lot of tradition, and by tradition I mean torture. You will feel stupid. You will feel helpless. You will feel like clutching your face and weeping, but you can’t because your hands are tied hauling in a roast pig the size of Godzilla into the Bride’s house. And at the end of it, you will fail to understand why, in this day and age of advanced plumbing systems, it is customary for the Bride’s family to give the Groom a spittoon. “This is tradition,” they say. You do not question tradition, even if it asks you to dance naked to YMCA while twirling a celery stick. Q: Is there a Phase 3? A: Yes. And it involves more tradition, or a trip to the monastery. Q: So Kurt, based on your firsthand experience, what is your best advice for couples who are planning to get married? A: Elope. Where Football Went Wrong Oh so wrong. Hancock: The Circumcised Script I watched Hancock a couple weeks back, despite having this feeling that it would suck (OMG A WILL SMITH MOVIE THAT SUCKS??! NO WAY!!!). But to my surprise, it was good! For the first half. After that, it went downhill like a flaming turd on wheels. I should have just read this abridged version of the movie script instead and save myself 12 bucks. FADE IN: EXT. NEW YORK CITY A VEHICLE full of STOCK BAD GUYS drives down the highway, shooting COPS and WREAKING HAVOC while trying to outrun a FIVE-STAR WANTED LEVEL. WILL SMITH drunkenly flies to them and hops into their car. WILL SMITH Hey, fellas. I’m here to display sarcastic attitude in order to show that I totally don’t care about my superpowers or whatever. BAD GUY Then why did you bother showing up to stop us at all? WILL SMITH Because if I didn’t, Dave Chapelle was going to get the lead in this movie. Nobody steals the July 4th weekend box office from Will Smith! more… Also, I want my money back, because Charlize Theron did not flash her tits in the movie, not even ONCE. Is she crazy now or something? Hi, I’m Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii From New Zealand When it comes to names that shouldn’t be heard with a mouth full of hot coffee, we Asians are tops in the “Sounds like bodily fluids, functions and assorted orifices” category, but the Westerners are totally crushing us in the “Sounds like a cool name for a rock band” category, with such winners as Sex Fruit, Number 16 Bus Shelter and the twins Fish and Chips. Come on people, time to step up to the plate. Bring on the Jamba Tan Beh Sars and Turbo Gan Fai Yers. If I ever make it big enough to afford 5 kids, I’ll name them Alright, Team, Lets, Form and Voltron. I like a sense of unity in my family. And calling them will strike fear into the hearts of my enemies. Or at least distract them long enough to stab them with my Blazing Sword. Dark Knight On The Max Sure, you saw the premiere ahead of me. Go ahead and brag while you can, because tomorrow, I’ll be watching The Dark Knight the way God intended: On IMAX. Suck that! This has helped my preparation for the nipple-exploding experience that is to come: It helps get you into the mood. Update: Jeebus, if you haven’t seen The Dark Knight, you’re missing out on the best superhero movie of all time. WATCH IT NOW. It punches Superman and Ironman in the nuts. Heath Ledger’s Joker performance deserves an Oscar, posthumous or not. The Universe Is Queerer Than We Can Suppose After watching this TED talk by Richard Dawkins, I felt a sense of humility and wonderment. It could very well be the beer, but I doubt it because I didn’t have any. The Utimate Brown Box Shit happens, but when it does have no fear – Little Jack Shit is here! Introducing the amazing Shit Box. It’s a box you can shit in, anytime, anywhere. It’s a winner. IKEA, you getting a load of this? I’ll stuff the cart at 10 bucks for 4. In preparation for those frivolous police roadblocks which we’ll be enjoying for the next 6 months. Police Roadblocks: Keeping Us Safe From Democracy “…police roadblocks have proven to be an effective method in helping to curtail anti government activities which could threaten national security.” –Kuala Lumpur Police Chief Muhammad Sabtu Osman Yeah, anti government activities that could threaten national security, such as trying to get the fuck on time for work. Funeral…PAR-TAY!!! Oh yeah. Parental Guide For Angelina Jolie’s Wanted It’s WAY more entertaining than the movie itself: Sex & Nudity A man and a young woman have sex on a kitchen countertop: she is wearing a skirt, no shirt and a bra that reveals cleavage, the woman’s bare thighs and the man’s bare buttocks and thighs are shown, we hear a lot of groaning and screaming from both, and see much thrusting along with the woman spanking the man as he thrusts; the woman has sex on the same countertop with another man and we see bare thighs of both and her bra and cleavage, and we hear groans from both and screams from her… Thanks Des! It’s Only A Man With Two Perfectly Functioning Penises. Wait. WHAT?? This dude is quite possibly the luckiest man on the planet. But instead of asking important scientific questions such as, “Hey Raj, where can I find hot chicks with two vaginas?” he’s asking his doctor to cut off the very thing that will make him a porn legend. Some people just don’t know how to appreciate an extra dong. P.S. Note how this is appropriately filed under World Crises. P.I.S.S. He was made for this. What If Michael Bay Wrote Batman? You get awesome. Steaming turd awesome. Christian News Site Turns Gay Homosexual Spark asse. Holy shit, this guy can’t catch a break. American sprinter Tyson Gay can run like the wind, but he apparently can’t run away from Christian homophobia word filters. 40 Spawn Target For This Asshole I don’t care what you’re smoking, but anything more than 5 kids, it’s not parenting – it’s mass pollution. This self-important prick’s ejaculation of useless spawn will be eating off YOUR tax dollars for the rest of their mediocre lives because really, this man can’t even afford a goddamn vasectomy. The only thing this geezer can be trusted to raise is his crusty wrinkled penis. P.S. In case you people mistake this post for spiteful anger or cynicism, it’s not. It’s a 65-word excuse to use the word ejaculation and penis. Tokyo Customs Welcome Tourists With Free Cannabis Reason #3847 to go to Japan (Druggie Special!) Warming The Cockles Of Your Heart According to some folks, the blog seems a little too cranky lately. So to balance things out a bit, I present to you this: Just ignore the sappy shit at the end.