Irresponsible Parents lim peh ka li kongSometimes lim peh really wonder why there are so many irresponsible parents in this world? Yeah, lim peh know the process of making babies is shiok but come on, if you really heng heng got pregnant and give birth to your child then please at least be responsible to your child.How many times have we seen new-borned babies been discarded by cruel parents into the rubbish chute like throwing a piece of rubbish?How many times have we seen children, teenagers roaming freely without having a proper meal?Really kong buay liao one la.I was driving one fine day and what I saw while driving along PIE really made my blood boiled cos lim peh don´t believe there´s actually such parent walking on the surface of the Earth.Vehicles in front of me were all slowing down and filtering out from the lane I was driving. Was there an accident in front? Was there a tortoise driver in front?When all the vehicles finally filtered out in front of me, what lim peh saw really stunned me to the extreme.There was a motorbike riding in front of me at a rather slow speed, probably travelling at only 40 to 50 km/h. (Driving at lane 1 of Express Way!)The biker was a young man and the passenger sitting behind him was a young girl, from the size of the girl I guessed she´s only 4 to 5 years old at the maximum.Having such a young girl riding behind a motorbike is already not right, it is too dangerous.What´s worse was that the stuuuuuuuuupid, idiotic, mosquito brain, ku ku biker was riding the bike with only 1 hand.You may think what the F was his other hand doing?He was busy sms-ing with his other hand at the same time.RRRROOOOOAAAARRRRR!!!!Guess nobody dared to honk the biker at least not me cos lim peh was darn afraid that any slightest honk at him might make him "garang-gabok" and later skid.Such irresponsible creature. PHEW!!!lim peh kong wan liao Coming Back lim peh ka li kongAfter privatizing my new blog, which really takes up lots of my time, lim peh have decided to come back to my original "lim peh ka li kong".Thanks for the people who had shown interest in my new blog and lim peh have gotten the results I wanted during the creation of my "privatize blog".I am back here once again cos 新衣哪有旧衣好.lim peh kong wan liaoPS: For those who didn´t know I privatized my blog, never mind, you didn´t miss anything. New Change On The Way lim peh ka li kongLim peh has moved house tohttp://www.oldbengsplayground.blogspot.com/You have to send email to me to request to be invited. So, if you still think my blog is worth your time reading, you can request to be invited atold_beng@yahoo.com.sgSee you there or never see you.我搬家了。如想继续游览我的新 blog, 请电邮我：old_beng@yahoo.com.sglim peh kong wan liaoOld Beng2008 Tulan lah lim peh ka li kongBefore carry on reading, from the title of this post, you should know it is not meant for the minors.Let this be the last ranting of my blog for year 2007 (though my posts are seldom rants but jokes more than often).Do you like copy cats? Do you like to have copy cats neighbours?Knn, lim peh tell you ah, there are more than 1 copy cat staying near us.Usually, if one were to copy another person's idea, he will do it discreetly or secretly, hoping that you will not know he is stealing your ideas BUT lim peh's 2 neighbours actually have the face to copy ideas from us and then buay pai seh one, openly showing to everyone that they copied our ideas.My cha-bo-lang had designed our house 4 years back and guess what? The 2 kns neighbours actually renovated their houses recently (2 different units) copying some of our designs.The neighbour on our left copied about 4 items but the neighbour on our right copied about 90% of the designs of our house.From the handrail of our stairways, to the balcony design, to the shoe racks, to the porch holes, to the pillar-less front patio, to the entrance design leading to the kitchen, to the windows, to the sliding doors, and even to the house unit number plates etc.Wah-piangz, copy until 出面, some more so openly coming to the front of our house standing out there like a bloody ku ku bird, staring at our design and later on, his own house was renovated just like ours, looking like a photocopy unit.Then, when my cha-bo-lang planted a certain type of plant (the first in our neighbourhood) outside our gate, in the next few weeks, the neighbourhood will also start to have the same plant as ours. I don't wanna guess how they got the same plant but the poor plant my cha-bo-lang planted had been secretly cut in a rather crude way leaving the plant having a rather unpleasant view.Come on, if you want to have the seeds of our plant, all you have to do is press our doorbell and ask from us and not stealing it behind our back.I really don't know what our copy cat neighbours think cos anybody who looks at our house and then looks at their house, the similarity is so obvious. Worse than celebrities 撞衫 cos you can change your dress immediately but a renovated house?!?!?Every time me and my cha-bo-lang go for our evening stroll after our dinner, lim peh will walk by the copy cats' house and lim peh sure @#$%&* as we walk pass the photocopy houses.To our 2 neighbours, lim peh say 凸 凸 to both of you!lim peh kong wan liao 欠扁问答题（五） 短短的几题欠扁问答题 ：家里进小偷 （猜一男艺人）。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。康康 （台语）把姜切成四片 （猜四个字）。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。姜姜姜姜最长的刀是什么刀？。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。屠龙刀 （Too long 刀）在什么地方说笑话最危险？。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。海边，因为怕海 “笑” More Amazing Pictures lim peh ka li kongReceived more funny pics from my friend, share share:Really got driver park like that!?!?NB! = Nabeh?? Left then Right then Left then Right then Left...Oooops! No eyes see!!!Wa-lau-eh!!lim peh kong wan liao 蕭敬騰 and 楊宗緯 (新不了情) / 楊宗緯 (听说爱情回来过) 萧敬腾 vs 杨宗纬谁的 “新不了情“ 比较好？俺个人较喜欢杨宗纬的版本。原来男人唱 “听说爱情回来过” 可以唱到如此的动人心弦。 Old Uncle´s Nags lim peh ka li kongI will be 43 come tomorrow. A middle-aged man. An old uncle.Why am I still writing nonsensical articles in this stupid blog of mine?Why do I bother to write the self-proclaimed funny jokes?On the eve of my birthday, I have doubts in blogging anymore.lim peh kong wan liao Expensive Fruit lim peh ka li kongOne Sunday morning, me and my cha-bo-lang fetched 3 of our uncles and aunty for tim-sum.Lim peh always like to have conversation with the elderly cos it is through conversation with them that I can learn a thing or two as they are much more knowledgeable than I.After eating some tim-sum, all 5 of us went to a nearby Japanese Supermarket to just walk walk see see look look.While talking and walking aimlessly, especially for me cos I had nothing to buy in mind, lim peh suddenly saw a honeydew melon.My specs almost dropped and my eyes almost pop-out.Why? Look at the price yourself.S$99.00! So what if it was airflown? Lim peh will never buy such expensive honeydew melon, eat gold meh?Guess only the RICH will pay such high price for a honeydew melon.lim peh kong wan liao 外婆 今年是一手把我带大的外婆的逝世十周年，时间似乎过得很快，匆匆就十年了。因为某种原因，在我三个月大时，父母亲便把我交给我的外婆看管、照顾。由于只和外婆一人相处，当时的我较为木纳、贑直，其实就是比较呆笨。一些片段很清晰的印在我的脑海里，总在我最没有防备的时候忆想起外婆。。。x x x x x犹记得有一回，当时的我大概只有四、五岁吧，外婆出外购物，把在睡梦中的我留在家里，托嘱邻居阿嫂帮忙看着我。当我睡醒后，见不到外婆，心里着实慌了一下，走出房外寻找她时，却被邻居阿嫂作弄得哭了起来。那个阿嫂指着一栋大厦说道：“你阿嬷从大厦上跳楼死了。”我记得当时的我哭的特别凄惨，而那阿嫂却在一旁看着我嚎哭，一直微笑着。虽然事隔多年，当时痛哭的悲惨情形还清晰的在我脑海里。x x x x x独居的小孩总是比较笨吧，我就是这么一个真实的例子。也是大概四、五岁的时候，我从鼻孔里挖出了一快鼻屎，问外婆：“阿嬷，这个鼻屎是什么味道？” 外婆告诉我说她不清楚，还叫我尝尝看，呆呆的我真的把手指上的鼻屎放进嘴巴里。。。晕！x x x x x在小学考试其间，外婆买了几瓶鸡精让我补一补。小时候有两样食品是我所无法吞下肚的：鸡精和皮蛋。记得当时外婆拿了一瓶鸡精叫我喝下，生平第一次喝鸡精的我完全无法接受那怪异的味道。喝了一口后的我马上拒绝再喝，死也不再把小嘴巴张开。外婆当时很生气，拿起藤条直逼着我喝。我马上转身便跑，最后跑进厕所里躲 。。。结果是在藤条的威严下在厕所里把鸡精喝下。x x x x x有一段时期，老明我很喜欢看“摔跤”，每回我坐在电视机前观看摔跤节目时，外婆也陪着我一起看。她甚至认得那些摔跤佬而且看得投入非常，身体也会不由自主的随着摔跤佬的动作扭动。外婆当时的偶像是 Hulk Hogan.x x x x x最爆笑的一件事发生在我与老友R的身上：有一回，R 与我从外回到我家。在进门后我脱掉我的鞋子，呈现在眼前是我那破了一个洞的白袜子。外婆看到我那破洞的袜子，一脸尴尬，当着R的面前嘲笑了我几句：“哎哟，你看你的袜子破了一个大洞，还穿，真是的。R 你看我们家的明就是这样，成何体统！”R 一句话也没说，只笑笑，然后把鞋子脱掉。。。靠，他的左右脚上的袜子也都破了大洞。我马上指着R的破袜子对着外婆大声说：“阿嬷，妳瞧，他的袜子也是破的，比我的还大洞，哈哈哈。。。”只见外婆满脸通红，一脸尴尬，不知所措。x x x x x外婆后期得了癌症，当时只有舅舅和我与外婆同住在一起。我的母亲、阿姨们以及我的妹妹在白天都会过来陪伴外婆直到我放工回家。有几次，外婆都不大吃得下我母亲与阿姨煮的晚饭，却在她们全部回家后，告诉我她肚子饿，想吃“河粉”。几乎每一个晚上都要求我到楼下的煮炒摊位打包食物，直把我也养成吃夜宵的习惯。x x x x x外婆离开我们之前的最后一个月，已经无法行动，而且也一直进进出出医院。到后期，因为打吗啡止痛，外婆总处在昏迷中。每个晚上放工后，我总会到医院陪伴外婆直至深夜；一个静躺着、一个静坐着。。。有一晚，约十二点钟，外婆忽然缓缓张开双眼，问道：“你怎么还在这儿？其他的人呢？”我告诉外婆已经很晚了，其他的人都回家休息去了。“我想吃点东西。” 外婆对着我说。“阿嬷，我冲一杯麦片给你喝，还有一些梳打饼。”看着外婆吃了几片饼干以及喝了半杯的麦片，我庆幸当时的我还没回家。当晚，外婆一直握着我的手，微笑着。大概半个小时后，外婆再次昏睡过去。或许是一种预感，在驾车的回家途中，我的泪无从控制的流。。。隔天，我们决定把外婆接回家，反正在医院也只是躺着。到家的时候，外婆又再清醒过来，看了看四周围，“嗯，到家了，真好。”不出两天，外婆脱离病痛，离开了我们。那一刻，我知道我再也无法握外婆的手、我再也听不到她说话、我再也见不到她了、只有照片与记忆。十年后的今天，我依然怀念我的外婆。。。。。x x x x x一个人去世后，只要还有一个人惦记着他、想念着他，那他还是活着的；当一个人去世后，这世上再没有任何一个人怀念着他，他才算真正的死了； 老明八个月大时与外婆的合照 Amazing Pictures lim peh ka li kongGood Babysitter?!?!lim peh can´t pronounce that word at all!!!! Where the hell are the boy´s parents?!?!Same owner?Blame my owner who fed me daily Hmmm?!?! Yes lim peh understand lim peh kong wan liao IN一周特别酷 - 访问蛇王 猪记者：各位好，欢迎收看我们的 “IN一周特别酷”，今天我要访问的是我们的蛇王。猪记者：蛇大哥，您好。谢谢您接受我们 “IN一周特别酷” 的访问。蛇王：那里，那里。能够上贵台的节目是俺的荣幸。猪记者：蛇大哥，听说您前一阵子，好象瘦了一圈，这是真的吗？蛇王：是真的，珍珠都冇咁真，俺的确瘦了几厉害一下喔。猪记者：为什么会瘦呢？蛇王：俺跟你讲，事关俺的视力从去年底便开始走下坡，看东西模模糊糊，不是很清楚。猪记者：那，对您有影响吗？蛇王：影响可大了，俺跟你讲，俺的视力退化后，focus不到，常常捉不到食物，只能吃青菜，他奶奶滴，阴功啰，所以瘦了一圈。猪记者：那后来怎样？蛇王：后来俺去配一副眼镜才把问题解决了。猪记者：哈哈，那您就是名副其实的 “眼镜蛇” 咯。蛇王：呵呵，俺是英俊潇洒，玉树临风的 “眼镜蛇”。猪记者：那配了眼镜之后，不就一切顺顺利利，无往不胜，一帆风顺，一目了然。。。。蛇王：是就好了。猪记者：怎么了？蛇王：那辈，戴上眼镜后才发觉原来一直和俺同居的女伴只是一条水管。猪记者：哇哈哈，谢谢蛇大哥接受我们 “IN一周特别酷” 的专访。各位观众，我们今天的 “IN一周特别酷” 又来到了尾声，我是酷猪，我们下次再见，如果有循众要求的话。Cartoon source : Gibbleguts Inc - Dan Gibson Dilberts Laws Of Work lim peh ka li kongCame across this interesting post at Whiskoffee´s blog months ago, will like to share share:Dilberts Laws Of Work* Source from Whiskoffee´s blog.lim peh kong wan liao A Joke on Old Beng and Lau Hero lim peh ka li kongA funny joke to share :Old Beng is a Wizard and Lau Hero is an Actor. On the island where both of them stay is controlled by the King and the Queen.The Queen has a pair of hyper beautiful breasts and Lau Hero has been drooling over the Queen´s assets but just wishful thinking cos the King will decapitate his head or both the big and small heads, so to speak, if he were to do anything funny.One day, Lau Hero asked Old Beng for help as he really would love to have a taste on the Queen´s assets and Lau Hero promised to give Old Beng a thousand dollars if he could fulfil his wild dream.Old Beng, being a greedy noble man, agreed to help Lau Hero because of the money they are very good friends.Old Beng, during one of his routine visits to the King and Queen, he secrectly smeared some cream onto the inner cups of the Queen´s bra which caused the Queen´s assets to become itchy and unless with the antidote from Old Beng, the itch would never go away.After having the unbearable itch for half a day, the Queen called Old Beng for help since he is the Wizard.Old Beng told the Queen that the only way to stop her itch would have to be the saliva from Lau Hero´s mouth and it must be directly from Lau Hero´s mouthHe further told the Queen that the effect of eliminating the itch would only take place after 4 hours of continuously sucking / lapping from Lau Hero.So Lau Hero with the antidote in his mouth, enjoyed his long full 4 hours of action with the Queen.That evening, Old Beng went to Lau Hero´s house to ask for his One Thousand Dollars.Lau Hero refused to pay Old Beng his rightful agreed sum of money, "Lau Beng, I only have a hundred dollars and that´s it. Take it or leave it and I doubt you have the guts to tell the Queen that I cheated on you for the money, ha ha!"The next day, Old Beng smeared more itchy cream onto the King´s under-wear...lim peh kong wan liao 发财 （旧著）许多年前，大芭窑某一家人集体自杀。这宗曾经轰动全狮城的新闻，事后证实屋主开煤气自杀，自杀的原因不详，似是钱财方面出了问题。可怜的孩子是无辜的，却白白随着父母共赴黄泉路，真不明白为何会有那么狠心的父母？！那间房子自从出事后便一直空着，曾有几户人家搬去住过，却都迫不及待的又搬走了，据他们说是有不干净的东西。一些在深夜经过那儿的人也总听到房子里有声音传出：象是有人在里头走来踱去，又象有人在里头移动家具。当时有一名居住在同座组屋的李先生财迷心窍，想发死人财。于是在一个深夜里，李先生拨电话到自杀屋主的家里，竟然有人接听电话。李先生当时就曾指天发誓告诉别人那是自杀屋主的声音，而且给了他四个真字发财。李先生答应如果号码开头奖，他将会为屋主烧多多冥钱以及买一些祭品去拜他。果然，李先生中了头奖，到处请客是难免的，只不过他忘了曾许下的诺言，忘了去祭拜那令他发财的屋主，而在几天后即离奇身亡。人人都说他不守信用，更何况他所许下的诺言的对象是鬼魂。经过李先生的离奇死亡后，人人对那空屋更是深感骇怕，一到夜晚便无人再敢靠近它的周围，慢慢的，人们也开始忘了李先生离奇身亡的事。。。 Super What Man? lim peh ka li kongLim peh received the following si-bei funny email from my friend, must share with all of you.Super-Winnie-ManSuper-DoraemanSuper-Kitty-ManSuper-Melody-ManSuper-Sarong-ManSuper-Chang-Jinlim peh kong wan liao Suay Ah Seng lim peh ka li kongMy buddy, Ah Seng came and talk cock with lim peh yesterday after work and he looked rather angry.Seeing him having a long black face, lim peh kay-poh and asked him, "Oei, Ah Seng, why so long face, got people owed you money ah?""No la, you know I where got extra money to lend people." Ah Seng replied in a rather sad tone."So why you so moody? Who made our Ah Seng 哥 so angry?""Ai-ya, my house 母老虎 lor." Ah Seng said."Ha! Must be you again go outside 口花花, hanky panky then kena caught si bo? I already told you before..." lim peh said."Lao Beng, you never change one la, always jumping into conclusion and assume things." Ah Seng stopped me half way."Huh? Not you trying to be funny meh?""Let me tell you la" Ah Seng told me the following.....=====I am still very angry about the incident which happened yesterday evening when I went home after driving for the whole day.While I parked my taxi outside my house, I saw my 母老虎 and our 7-year-old boy waiting for me at the gate.The minute I stepped out of my taxi, my 母老虎 walked towards me and I received something from her on my right cheek. A kiss? No la, if it was a kiss, I where got angry one, happy also 来不及.She gave me a tight slap on my handsome right cheek. I was totally stun to receive such treatment from her. Before I could say anything, she gave me another slap on my left cheek.Wa-lau, although the slaps sounded rather loud, they were not really painful but my whole face was as red as the tomato because my neighbours were all rushing around us, darn malu siah.I queried my 母老虎 as to why she slapped me, she told me that she had instructed our son to call me on my mobile phone in the afternoon but 5 times our son tried to reached me, there was another woman answering my phone.My 母老虎 was very angry as to why another woman was answering my mobile. I thought my son had called the wrong number but he did dial the right numbers and there was no mistake about it."So you still want to deny?" My 母老虎 asked me sternly. "Ah boy, tell us what the woman said when you called your Daddy this afternoon."My son said, "Starhub is not getting a respond from the subscriber´s mobile phone, please try again later..."=====lim peh kong wan liao 欠扁问答题（四） 再来一些冷冷的问题与笑话：地震的时候，在什么地方最安全？。。。。。。。。。。。。在飞机上。最会跳舞的狗是什么狗？。。。。。。。。。。。。Tango在一间屋子里，鸽子会藏在哪里？。。。。。。。。。。。。屋顶，因为 “在屋顶唱（藏）着你的歌（鸽）”哪一朵花最没力，我们都知道是茉莉花因为 “好一朵没力的茉莉花”，那什么花最有力？。。。。。。。。。。。。“牵牛” 花狗的儿子和龙的儿子有几点差异？。。。。。。。。。。。。一点，犬子和太子。长颈鹿的脖子为什么那么长？。。。。。。。。。。。。因为上吊不成功。有个病人到医院检查，结果医生告诉病人说，你要看开一点，请问这个病人得了什么病？。。。。。。。。。。。。斗鸡眼。降落伞和保险套最大的不同是什么？。。。。。。。。。。。。降落伞破了世界上就少了一个人；保险套破了世界上就多了一个人。女生最喜欢色狼哪一点？。。。。。。。。。。。。滚远一点。他走了 （猜一家店名）。。。。。。。。。。。。IKEA （台语 - 伊走）枝安有五颗糖，吃了两颗后，被大雄和他的女友看见。。。大雄说，“好东西是应该和好朋友分享的。” 请问枝安该怎么做？。。。。。。。。。。。。向大雄说声 “谢谢”，然后带走大雄的女朋友。女人跟冰箱冷藏库有何相同点？。。。。。。。。。。。。一样是放肉的。女人跟冰箱冷藏库有何不同点？。。。。。。。。。。。。一个是肉软的进去，硬着出来；一个是肉硬的进去，软着出来； 10 Signs You Are A Singaporean Aunty lim peh ka li kongToday´s "10 signs on Singapore Aunty" is not the same as lim peh´s previous "10 Signs You Are An Aunty," hor, got difference one la.There are many many aunties in the world but today emphasize on Aunties in Singapore. (Certain points were inspired by an email me received from a friend).1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows).2. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.3. You save grocery bags and use the grocery bags to hold garbage.4. You don't own any real Tupperware - only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers and jam jars.5. You own a rice cooker and slow cooker.6. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.7. You're a wok user.8. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached - it means they're fresh.9. You always cook too much.10. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.lim peh kong wan liao 笑一笑 令伯卡你讲那天令伯收到几则好笑的 sms，与大家分享分享：=====快乐人生的最高境界睡觉睡到自然醒 - - - 舒服啊！数钱数到手抽筋 - - - 钱多啊！悲惨人生的最低境界睡觉睡到手抽筋 - - - 生病啦！数钱数到自然醒 - - - 做梦呢！=====先生，不要这么冲动，不要这么紧张，好吗？可以慢慢进的，看准那个洞才来进好吗？还有，要出的时候要小心啊，不要外泄，等下又要拿布来抹，真麻烦啊！噢，对了，当你要把那整支拔出来时，make sure 你已经出到完，不然浪费啊！谢谢您光临，欢迎有空再来添油，小心驾驶，再见。=====某少妇有外遇。她的情人想邀她幽会时就发短信给她：赵兄托你帮我办点事!其夫破解短讯后大怒，何解？。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。原来短讯的真正内容必须倒过来读=====令伯讲完了 My Lucky Friend lim peh ka li kongMy buddy R came back to Singapore from Beijing for a short holiday. The last time we met was more than a year ago, click here to read our last meeting. The one in the middle is R.He wrote a super-duper 劲的 article which lim peh posted it here.Lim peh always like to tell people that we have known each other since our Dinosaur´s time, since Primary One i.e. 7 years old until now, wah-piangz... 36 long years liao.This R really very lucky when he came back to Singapore with his wife recently.They came back from Beijing, China booking with Air China on Economy class tickets. Upon their checking in to the counter in Beijing Airport, they were told that the Economy seats were all taken up.Apparently, this "Overselling" of air tickets is the common practice in China.Since Air China´s own Business Class seats are also all taken up, the Air China personnels had no other alternative except to seek help from other Air Lines.That is when Air China approached Singapore Airline for help and my friend R and his wife were offered to fly back to Singapore taking Singapore Airline.Just think about it, switching from Air China to Singapore Airline at no extra cost and better still, they got upgraded to a better class than the original booked Economy class ticket.Business Class tickets?No Man!!! They were upgraded to FIRST CLASS TICKET!!!What a lucky guy R was.lim peh kong wan liao 欠扁问答题（三） 刚听到一些有趣的问题：什么水果的视力最差？。。。。。。。。。。。。芒果 （盲果）有什么东西可以洗但不能晒，可以吃但不能吞？。。。。。。。。。。。。麻将哪个历史人物跑得最快？。。。。。。。。。。。。曹操因为说到曹操，曹操就到。在中文字当中，什么字最酷？。。。。。。。。。。。。“丁” 因为丁字裤在一次考试中，一对同桌交了一模一样的考卷，老师却认为他们没有作弊，为什么？。。。。。。。。。。。。因为他们两人都交白卷。世界上什么鱼最好钓？。。。。。。。。。。。。食人鱼，只要把手指放进水中就可以钓到。那一国人不用电？。。。。。。。。。。。。缅甸人 （免电人）刚隆胸的女人？（猜一国家）。。。。。。。。。。。。新加坡没有女人的城市？。。。。。。。。。。。。汉城两棵螺丝（猜一国家）。。。。。。。。。。。。俄罗斯 （二螺丝）一个拳击手进电梯里，为什么电梯小姐会被打？。。。。。。。。。。。。因为拳击手一听到《叮》一声就开始打了。国王坐飞机。（猜一女歌星）。。。。。。。。。。。。王菲（飞）打电话给乌龟。（猜一蔬菜）。。。。。。。。。。。。苦瓜 （台语 – call 龟）为什么电影 “大只佬” 不能有续集？。。。。。。。。。。。。因为不能叫 “大只佬二”。什么电影不能拍到第八集？。。。。。。。。。。。。“金鸡”两个裸体女人面对面。（猜一饮料）。。。。。。。。。。。。豆奶 （鬥奶）腿长的男人，可以用哪两个字形容？。。。。。。。。。。。。蛋糕洞房花烛夜。（猜一字）。。。。。。。。。。。。窥 （把字拆开就会明白） A Day Of My Life lim peh ka li konglim peh was waken up this morning by her usual kiss on my cheekAfter having a short dip in my swimming poollim peh went to have my breakfast.After looking at the shares that lim peh bought yesterday, me sold them and made some peanuts (the Dooooorai standard).Drove my carout to office.Sign some cheques then flewto meet up with buddyto discuss on our latest business deal.Wanted to have a quiet lunch but met himandBoth wanted me to be their next main role of their new movies but lim peh rejected cos lim peh very bo-eng.Then andcame and both of them left, right centre me and tried to persuade lim peh to act with them. Hmmm, they must have been sent by the 2 Directors to psycho lim peh.While talking to them, lim peh´s handphone rang, he calledto ask me for some advice. Too busy to talk to him so lim peh told him to get an appointment with my secretaryDine and party with this group of girlsbefore going our separate ways. (Don´t ya wish ya girlfriend was hot like me~~~)Think lim peh still prefer Asian to Ang-mo and yesterday´s dinner and party with them was much betterThen went home but she was waiting outside I told her to leave me alone as lim peh already married.Went home, read email, write blog and went to bed but instead of falling asleep, lim peh woke up to REALITY. Aiyo, just a dream. DER!lim peh kong wan liaoNote: Inspired by Cheeky´s blog whereby lim peh read long long time ago. Jokes On Monday lim peh ka li kongJokes for you on Monday=====Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?Scared the hell out of the dog.=====Why don't oysters give to charity?Because they're shellfish.=====So the elephant says to the naked Lau Hero. . ."You breathe through that little thing?"=====Old Beng and Lau Hero met in the locker room after a game of tennis. Old Beng noticed Lau Hero was putting on a pair of stockings and suspenders.Old Beng asked Lau Hero, "When did you start wearing them?"To which Lau Hero replied, "Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."=====lim peh kong wan liaoNote : All jokes are not the creation of Old Beng, sources from emails and hear-say. 失眠夜 - 老牙心诗 静 ~ ~ ~宇宙四周围内心世界澎湃狂啸着思念不停追噬贪婪袭击着静....... 喧....... 交....... 替.......脑海里忐忑着======写于2007 年 3 月 13 号凌晨事因一, 事因二, 事因三. Cha-Bo-Lang´s Birthday - 01.10.2007 lim peh ka li kongLast year, lim peh wrote a post and sang a song for my cha-bo-lang on her Birthday, click here, to read again, lim peh kena 酸-ed for 1 long year.This year, lim peh smart liao, won´t sing song anymore, just put some photos ok liao. Birthday Cake A Birthday gift from our nephew to my cha-bo-lang : A photo-holder Maid Nephew and Maid Cake, Flowers, Gifts* and Cards*Thanks to Jiahao, Jonathan and Jolene Muacks!!!!lim peh kong wan liaoOld Beng01st October, 2007 An Incident 7 lim peh ka li kongMy buddy told me a story his cousin told him last week, here it goes...=====Phew! Finally I was back in Singapore after my 2 months long back-packed vacation in Europe. Nowhere is like home sweet home.After paying the taxi driver and just by stepping out in front of my flats made me smile.Looking at the old flat in the wee hours at 3:15 am gave me a different feeling towards our Singapore´s HDB flats.Oh yes, let me introduce myself. I am 28 years old, male, single, part-time model and currently putting up with my mother in an old 4-room HDB flats. My 2 younger sisters used to stay with us but they moved out since they got married 2 years ago. My dad died last year and now it´s only my mum and I.I am staying on the 14th storey and at every level, there are only 3 units (point-block flats) which make our flats really quiet.While stepping into the void-deck, I noticed that there was a piece of half-torn red paper glued to the wall beside the lift.For the benefit of non-Chinese, let me share with you the significance of red paper which is usually pasted onto the walls of the void deck. Residents usually glue red paper on the walls (normally cut into oblong shape) on the path from the funeral wake to the house unit when somebody in a family passes away.Seeing the half-torn red paper, I felt cold suddenly cos I knew someone living in the same block had just passed away.When the lift door opened, I stepped into it and just before the lift door closed, Mr Wong, my neighbour staying on the same floor stepped into the lift.There are 3 units in each level of my flats and apart from Mr and Mrs Wong, both retirees, another unit on our floor is Aunty Sharon, a divorcee, and her only 8-year-old son, Timothy.Although I was rather surprised to see Mr Wong at such late hours, I greeted him with a broad smile and he nodded and smiled back.Mr Wong, unlike his wife, is a rather quiet person and we only exchange morning greetings and nodding of heads when we cross path with each other.When the lift reached our floor, I noticed that there was also a piece of red paper glued on the wall beside the lift; That means somebody at our level had just passed away.Before I could ask Mr Wong who had just died recently, he walked out of the lift and headed back straight to his unit. It´s alright, I could ask my mother tomorrow morning and while I was closing the door, I still saw Mr Wong standing in front of his door probably waiting for Mrs Wong to open the door for him......x x x x xNext morning, I woke up at 1 pm and mum left me a note saying that she would be going for gei-tai 歌台 after her work that night and would not be back early.I was meeting my friends for dinner and to pass them some of the souvenirs I bought in Europe. After a sumptuous dinner, I went home early to rest at about 9:30 pm as I was still having the jet-lag.When I was opening my door, Timothy opened his door and called me, "Uncle James, you are back.""Hello, Timothy, have you eaten your dinner?""Yes I had dinner with mummy and she is washing the plates now.""Oh yes, Timothy, give me one minute." I went into my bedroom and brought out the toy I bought for him when I was in Paris.I passed the toy to Timothy and he smiled happily."Eh... Timothy, are you aware that someone passed away recently?""Yes, Mr Wong passed away last week and ambulance and policemen all came..."WHAT!!! I couldn´t believe what I heard cos I just met Mr Wong the previous night taking the same lift."Uncle James, are you ok?" Timothy asked me softly."Ya, I am fine." I did not want to scare Timothy.Just then, Aunty Sharon opened her door to call for her son."Bye, Uncle James and thanks for the toy." Timothy waved before going into his house."Are you ok, James? You look very pale." Aunty Sharon asked.I told her my encounter with Mr Wong the night before and she too turned pale. I told her not to tell Timothy anything about my encounter."Of course I will not tell him. James, I think you better go to the temple and pray and get some flower water to bathe tomorrow."I knew Aunty Sharon meant well but I am a Christian but I just nodded my head. "Please go home and keep Timothy company, Aunty Sharon.""Yes, see you around, James."Before Aunty Sharon went into her house, she looked at the door of Mr and Mrs Wong´s house.Just as Aunty Sharon closed her door, the lift door opened and I saw Mrs Wong walking out of the lift slowly."Hello James, you are back. How´s your Europe trip?" Mrs Wong smiled at me."Hello Mrs Wong, my trip is fine. How are you? Please don´t feel so sad and you must be strong. Just give me a shout if you need anything at all.""What do you mean, James?" Mrs Wong looked very puzzled.Just as I was about to continue talking, Mrs Wong´s house door opened and Mr Wong walked out towards us.My heart probably stopped beating for a while when I saw Mr Wong walking towards us and he was smiling at me."You... you..." I was so shock that I could not even speak properly."James, are you alright? You look very pale." Mrs Wong was very concern."Ghost!" I was shocked when I heard my voice coming out from my mouth as it was very weak."Ghost?" Mrs Wong turned around and as if she looked through Mr Wong and turned back and said, "James, where´s the ghost?"I pointed my finger at Mr Wong who was standing behind her and managed to squeeze out the following few words, "Your husband... Mr Wong... is standing just... behind you...""Why are you so pale, James?" Mr Wong took a step nearer to me and tried to put his hand on my shoulder probably trying to hold on to me in case I fell."You are already a dead man!!" I pulled myself away from his hand."Who says I am a dead man?" Mr Wong sounded confused and puzzled over my statement."Timothy told me you died last week..." Then something struck my mind, that Timothy trying to be funny and played punk and lied to me. Children nowadays don´t know what to joke and what not to joke."Timothy told you? When did he tell you?" Mrs Wong asked."About 3 minutes ago, just before Aunty Sharon called him in...""Sharon called him in!?!?!" Mr Wong sounded even more afraid than I."Yeah, I was talking to Aunty Sharon right here where you stand and she went back home just before Mrs Wong came out from the lift. I must tell Aunty Sharon about what her son lied to me...""James, but that´s impossible cos both Sharon and Timothy died last week..."=====lim peh kong wan liao Creative Bus-Ad lim peh ka li kongReceived the following email from a friend and I think the bus-ads are really cute and creative.Creative bo?lim peh kong wan liao Jokes lim peh ka li kongMy friend Lau Hero got some jokes again:=====Lau Hero went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."The next day, Lau Hero reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asked what happened and Lau Hero explained: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"Lau Hero replied, "yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN JAR OPEN!"=====Lau Hero goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.She says hello.He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from. So Lau Hero says, "Do you know me? "To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery??? "She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."=====Special appearances : Lau Hero & family.Note : All jokes are not the creation of Old Beng, sources from emails and hear-say.lim peh kong wan liao 狮城怪谈（二十一） 完结篇 （旧著）=====迷离夜（四）=====女子在说完她的怪经历后，和男甲男乙齐齐望着男丙，等待着男丙说出他的遇鬼经历。过了一会儿，男丙才说道：“你们看看我颈项边的这条大动脉。”当男丙把头转向一旁时，其余三人都见到他颈项旁正有一条很大的动脉。见到他们惊讶的目光，男丙把他亲身经历过的鬼故事说了出来。。。x x x x x十多年前，在新加坡有一传说，很多人在大坡一带见到鬼魂出现。这消息一传十、十传百、终于传进了我的朋友阿成的耳里。那时，阿成和我都有参与私会党的活动，在当时我们可说是只手遮天。据说，那鬼魂总在那儿的一停车场出现，见过的人没有一千也有八百。有一天，我与阿成正在聊天时，忽然谈到关于鬼魂的存在与否。我们都不相信这世上有鬼魂的存在，谈着谈着，我们两人都赞成一齐去那停车场看看。有一晚大约一点半，阿成与我双双在那停车场等候那鬼魂的出现。当时的我具有火爆脾气，等了半小时不见任何鬼影后，我开始骂粗话来发泄，表露心中的不悦。正当我们两正你一句我一句的一唱一和之际，我们见到不远处正有一 “人影” 慢慢向我们移来。我当时瞪大双眼望着那越来越近的 “人影”，我还记得当时我的手心一直出汗，心跳也加速。只见那 “人影” 留着一头长发、脸色苍白、双眼无神（只瞪着前方，仿佛不知道阿成与我的存在）。身体却只有上半身，没有脚部，在空气中飘浮着。当时阿成和我吓得双双脸无血色，几乎落荒而逃。我还记得阿成紧握着我的手，说：“不用怕，没什么的，不用怕！”我知道阿成当时也是怕得要命，只要我一开始逃跑，他肯定也会逃之夭夭。当那 “人影” 在我们的面前经过时，我们吓得几乎连气也透不过来。很奇怪的，那 “人影” 一声不吭地就这样慢慢在我们的面前飘过，连正眼也不曾看着我们。当那 “人影” 在我们的面前经过时，我和阿成的紧张心情终于松懈了下来，不知觉中我们都大大地舒了一口气。当时我们俩只觉得这 “人影” 也没什么了不起，连望都不敢望我们一眼。为了显示我们是如何的英勇，阿成和我一起迈开脚步跟了上去。我们一边走在 “人影” 的一旁，一边看着他，如此这般的跟了它走了几条街道。我们心中的恐惧也慢慢的，不知觉的消失得无影无踪。阿成甚至于开口和它谈话：“喂，你好吗？” 阿成把手放在那 “人影” 的脸前摇动着。那 “人影” 一声不响，继续慢慢地向前移动。我们开始慢慢遗忘了骇怕是什么，只觉得鬼魂也没什么大不了，不过如此。我和阿成开始你一句我一句的想和它交谈，但那 “人影” 根本当我们是不存在的。我们在它身边搭讪了大概两分钟，见它还是无动于衷，渐渐觉得有点愤怒。“喂！你听到我们跟你讲话吗？” 阿成开始沉不住气，大声嚷道。那 “人影” 还是没有反应。“喂！你真的不出声？” 我也不甘示弱地对着它 “呐喊”。我们两人一人一句的大声和它交谈，它却始终不吭一声，把我们当成透明的。渐渐的，我们开始觉得生气，语气也重了一些。当时的我们本是粗话专家，出口成章（脏），不知不觉中，我们的语气重了一些，脏话也逐渐从我们的口中涌了出来。“喂！怎么，不敢和我们交谈啊！”阿成开始沉不住气。为了显示我和阿成一样有水准，我也开始了我的 “三字经”。我们二人对着它大骂特骂，终于骂累了。“这鬼也没什么了不起，有什么好怕？” 阿成在旁说话。在他说完后甚至于向那鬼魂 “展示” 他的中指，几乎没动到那鬼魂的鼻子。“嗱！！嗱！！嗱！！”阿成一边以中指 “敬” 它，一边 “嗱” 那鬼魂。很意外的，那鬼魂还是不发一言，就这样慢慢地向前移动。看到阿成以手语“问候”那鬼魂，我也不甘落后，“咔吐” 的一声，赠送了它我的一口浓痰。跟了它这么久，我们都觉得有点累了，终于放弃了再跟踪它的念头。我们一边回家一边还在讨论着：“鬼有什么好骇怕的，不过如此而已，奇差无比！”x x x x x隔天早上，当我睡醒后，我发觉我的脸部正侧向一旁，无法把脸转回正确的位置。颈项旁传来一阵阵剧痛，颈项以下根本无法移动；那感觉好象我只剩下了一个头而已，身体不知到那儿去了。我吓得大声嚷了起来，终于惊动了我的家人。我颈项以下的部分根本没丝毫的感觉，天啊！我在一夜之间变成半身不遂了。心中的震惊使我忘了颈项边的剧痛。“快打电话通知阿成，或许他能过来帮忙。”我对着我的弟弟嚷道。当我弟弟打完电话回来后，只见他一脸慌张：“阿成疯了！他被送进了板桥医院！”刹那间，我明白了！一定是那鬼魂在向我们报复，阿成以中指 “问候” 它，我以浓痰招待它，一个疯了，一个半身不遂了。我的母亲到处去问神拜佛，终于知道了前因后果，她在每晚一点钟到那停车场那儿上香烧纸钱。如此这般做了大约一年多，我的病才渐渐有了气色，我本身也亲自到那儿冥拜，渐渐的我的病也逐渐好了。我的四肢能动了，但颈边这条大动脉始终无法痊愈。。。x x x x x四名朋友在彼此都说出了自己的经历后，都一一跌进沉思里，各自想着各自的事情，久久无人出声。。。迷离夜（四）完+ + + + +狮城怪谈（二十一）完= = = = =完结语作者的话：不知觉中，我也写了超过二十几个鬼故事，其中经历了许多困难，脱期不少，深感抱歉。在写完最后一个字时，心里忽然有一种不舍得的感觉，一些写作时的感觉全涌上心头。很多个故事都是我在放工回家后才赶出来的，通常都写到凌晨两三点钟。虽累，却很有满足感，我不敢说成绩好，但起码是我的一种尝试，在此感谢编辑给予我这个机会。许多人都问我，这么多故事到底是否真发生过？答案是肯定的，你或许不相信，认为是无稽之谈；你也许和我一样曾有过这些经历，那你就会有和我一样的感想。鬼的存在与否，至今还是科学家无法证实的玄事。无论如何，写发生在狮城的鬼故事也已经到了一个段落。末了，我再次向编辑们致谢，也感谢读者们这么有耐性的看完这些拙作，谢谢！洪城写于1989年12月22日=====2007 后语老明当年的笔名为 “洪城”。