A chapter of my life has closed and naturally, the blog will follow suit. I now blog at www.juvenilecolloquialism.blogspot.com. I know the spelling is a pain in the ass, but deal with it! See you guys there!P.S. This blog address will be taken down eventually. Please update your bookmarks and tell your friends about the change! World 4:30 AMI just got home after an exhaustingly long day. I met Bernard for lunch, and then I met Danial for tea, and then had dinner with my family and my elder brother's girlfriend to celebrate my mother's birthday. I went to Butter Factory with Sean and Huat. I got back home and washed up. I switched on the music on my phone, and started packing.Taylor Swift's Love Story came on, and I decided to haul out everything I had packed inside the luggage, thinking I should go online to search for more efficient ways of packing all my worldly possessions into a pathetically inadequate luggage. The things I'd put in if I could! All of a sudden I felt an overwhelming wave of emotion and broke down uncontrollably. Am still sobbing, actually. It's been quite a while since I cried. It feels... it feels... I just want to go on crying my heart out.God my eyes hurt like shit now. I think I should go back to looking up efficient packing methods.4:53 AM Jason's 20th; thoughts Jason's 20th:Eat, drink and make merry!The birthday boy man, quite drunk.Wiped out two bottles of red wine, a bottle of Choya and some of that Chivas.I can't name them, because I don't know them >.Friends since I was 12. We go a loong way back! Also the first person I... rollerbladed with. First and last, hurhurhur.******Caught Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I get the feeling that a lot of non-essential action scenes were cut from the second half of the movie. I bet the directors' cut of the movie would be twice as long, or something.Anyway, was thinking about illicit romances, and realised that you can sort of figure out if he's a good person when you're with him in the company of others. If he is overly cold or overly territorial, or if he makes snide, incisive remarks that appear to be in good humour but will make you blush furiously, he's probably not a very good person. It probably takes a great deal of tact to make appropriate comments which are the verbal equivalent of "nudge nudge wink wink" - y'know, to maintain a good level of sexual tension and a sense of sharing a private secret - yet avoiding underhand insults and still maintaining some level of discretion. Not that people you have illicit romances with tend to be considered good people by the general populace anyway, hur. Then again, having illicit romances doesn't have a significant bearing on one's innate niceness - or does it?I think I now have a much higher level of mastery over my emotions. I've never exactly been what you might consider an impulsive or explosive person, but I do tend to dwell over disappointments for quite a bit, despite attempts to shut myself up with soundbite-y truisms like "such is life" or "what's done is done". I guess all those years of repetition worked, if even for just a little. It is a little tragic, though. The implications are that I might not feel as intensely as I once could/did. Then again, that's what cathartic movies and books are for. I teared during Dumbledore's funeral. I swear, people who get more emotional over fictional events than real ones are a little screwed up. Then again... people tend to face real events with steely, heroic stoicism, which is probably more appropriate and a lot more disciplined than bawling one's lungs out.I used to bemoan that people, or more specifically, guys only liked me because they think I've got an interesting blog. Now, I am worried that I appear attractive only after I imbibe alcohol. I wonder in what kind of context will I think attraction is rationally justified. I'm Hejin, and this is my crib It might surprise you to hear this but I actually have friends. These friends are exceedingly capable, smart, and definitely reliable. Thank you :D I'm sorry you couldn't come, Erica. Get well soon!Valerie, me. I kind of went to town with editing the photos. I look like I got a nice tan here when in reality I am as fair as a naked wombat.Vivien, HuifangClick the pictures to enlargeJess = queen of cheesy poses!Some lame dance move thing?!Jessica and Hian Huat won a round of Cheat, IIRC.Decent JC kids plotting and scheming their way through a game of cheat.Posed candid shot. Jessica is looking at the camera!Iscreaaaaam.Angela, Vivien, Me, Wanlin, Huifang, JessicaHian Huat, Jessica. Eh, look like polaroid, right?Back: Bernard, Sean, Jason, Hian Huat, VivienFront: Valerie, Jessica, Jacinda, me, Angela, Huifang, WanlinA wee bit drunk...Okay that's all :D Via Ferrata! I climbed the world's tallest indoor via ferrata wall today. Via ferrata is sort of like rock-climbing, but instead of grabbing onto rocks, you hold onto metal rungs fixed onto the wall. It's located at Orchard Central, and is opened by the company BorderX. It was frikkin' awesome. Five stories of awesomeness. I sweated buckets. My hands are sore from gripping onto the rungs way too tightly.Up, up and away!Kinda rubbed my left arm raw by using my elbow to hook onto the metal rails. Looks like I've been abused, eh. Will upload more pictures when I get them. *Uploaded!*It's so fun to do something different! I'm at this stage in my life where I'm willing to try just about everything. Awesome feeling, really. Ladies' man You know a guy is used to treating girls nice by the little things he does. It's not just about opening the door for her or footing the bill - that's a standard that even the worst dating noobs are aware of. Walking on the side of the incoming traffic when crossing the road, offering to hold her bag if she wants to try on clothing, tries to keep her entertained in a situation unfamiliar to her, actually bothers to look nice when he meets her (shave, trim nose hair, uses cologne, be clean) - stuff like that. Guys who aren't used to being around girls don't know these little tricks. And being a girl, I can tell if a guy is used to being nice to girls or not, or if he even hangs out much with girls at all.I completely resent the mentality that girls are only good for tagging along, or worse, just sex. Guys like these think that girls should be elated enough that they get to be within a 2m radius from him. There was this guy, who playfully rebuked me for refusing to meet him anywhere else but in town, because I didn't want to watch him in a soccer match. He is also implying that I am a money sucker who only likes being taken out to fancy places. Fuccckkkkk lah. This is a prime example of a guy not used to treating girls nice. The bloody soccer match is in Pasir Ris. I am not going to frikkin' travel to Pasir Ris to sit around and watch some sweaty men chase after a ball. There is only so much a woman is willing to do for a man she isn't madly in love with.Guys who treat girls like the human beings that they are understand that girls are good for offering an opinion from a different angle. I've asked some guys why they sometimes prefer female company, and they say it's because it's typically hard for guys to talk to each other about emo stuff. It's uncool and unmanly. Girls are better at talking about feelings and will offer emotional support to the heartbroken man. I think the thing about most male groups is that they revolve around a common activity like computer games or sports. They discuss their respective activity, and that's as far as their interaction goes. Activity partners. Kinda superficial IMO, but that's the Y chromosome for you.So what happens to guys who only hangs out with guys? They don't open up and aren't very expressive, and they will always treat girls like pussies on pedestals or pussies to conquer. And because they don't open up, they don't get to see what girls are really good for. Too bad, I guess.Disclaimer: Girls are not just good for being agony aunts... but for simplicity of argument I will leave it at that. I write sins, not tragedies When I first heard the song by Panic at the Disco, I thought the lyrics were "it's much better to face these kind of things with a sense of poisoned rationality". And because of that, I liked the song a lot. But I went to look up the lyrics, and realised that the actual words are actually "poise and rationality", and that changed my entire interpretation of the lyrics.Oh, well imagine; as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor,and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words:"What a beautiful wedding, what a beautiful wedding!"says a bridesmaid to a waiter."Yes, but what a shame,what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore."I just realised I threw all my literature skills down the drain when I fiercely dotted the last dot on my last essay, which was also the last 'A' Level paper. So you'll have to forgive me if I don't use the appropriate technical terms to verbalise my analysis.So the persona is in the midst of a wedding. He's probably a passerby, an inadvertent eavesdropper. He overhears the bridesmaid bitching to a waiter about the bride's apparent unsavoury history. She mightn't have been a literal whore; maybe she was a cheater - which could be backed up by a later scene in the music video where she makes out with a guest. Notice how it is the bridesmaid who does the tattling. Typically, bridesmaids are handpicked by the bride - they are typically the bride's most trusted friends. A great deal of hypocrisy is going on here, and the fact that the bridesmaid is condescending to gossip to a waiter is befitting of her self-degradation.Well, I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?!"No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.Then the persona thinks of barging into a wedding which he isn't invited to, interrupting a conversation he wasn't a part of to chip in his two cents' worth. "Closing the god damn door" can be interpreted a few ways: he wishes that he didn't have to be privy to such outrageous betrayal and that they'd at least grant him the bliss of ignorance, or he wishes that the gossipers let sleeping dogs lie.If the lyrics were "poisoned rationality", the first interpretation would make a lot more sense. He'd be a victim to this entire mess playing out in front of him, but since he can't help seeing what he is seeing, he'd have to make do with rationalising things "poisonously". He'd have to develop a warped mentality to give the moral green light to what he sees before him. He'd have to be jaded and cynical - which is exactly what poisoned rationality is all about.But since the lyrics are "poise and rationality", the song is just your regular, humdrum, optimistic claptrap about letting bygones be bygones. And I can't be bothered with the song anymore. Ugh. Sweet young thing // wild child I don't normally like to post up pictures of myself... but just thought I'd chronicle my changing hairstyle. It hasn't been particularly radical, but clearly you can see the progression.Do I look better sweet or wild? Poll!You must enable JavaScript to vote in this poll from Pollverize.If you choose neither, then you better suggest hor! Multi-coloured psychadelia. Interesting. [Link]These beautiful kicks were simply lust at first sight. I was quite tempted to buy another pair, since they came in black, turquoise, magenta and purple as well, but after an internal battle, decided against it. I don't need two pairs of the same shoe, right? I might need t-shirts, tank dresses, tank tops and bras in black and white, but I don't need the same shoe in turquoise and magenta - or do I?Damn I can't even take a sharp photo.Even though it looks a little bare, I am convinced that it is a modern, minimalist, deconstructed, feminised version of the traditional oxford. The first time I wore it out, the weather took a turn for the worse. Every single drop of acid-laced rain that splattered on my shoe gave me heartbreak. Will resolve not to wear cream shoes in bad climate and poor terrain. Oh, these are from Schu. I just realised that I can polish them... I will make use of my uniformed group training and give these the rubdown they need!I also got a long-awaited haircut from Essensuals, which is currently located in the spanking new Orchard Central. I switched to senior stylist Marcus from director Warren because Marcus's rates are cheaper; I must say you get what you pay for, though. Marcus put a shitload of clay into my hair when he was styling it and I'm not sure I can ever wash it all off. I've never had hair this short, and I feel a little uncomfortable about it.I christen this my butch haircut. It is freshly washed, unstyled and finger-combed, and my face is bare too. I guess the haircut could look better if I did more to it. Meanwhile I'll try my best to adapt. While my hair was plastered to my scalp for the glossing treatment, it struck me that I actually have a pretty decent head shape and I could pull off going bald.I did a few things for the first time. Shisha, among other things. Overrated, no? Then lepaked and drank out of disposable paper cups. Omg, what a lepak, bummer lifestyle. I hope this doesn't become a habit. I'm starting to even use words like "lepak". This is not good!I had dinner with HH at Cafe Cartel. It was one of the more enjoyable dinners I've had of late. I felt like my old (smart) self. Didn't feel like a piece of flesh with a couple of pleasure-giving orifices. We discussed our futures and our personalities - so junior college! Yea, a few months before this I wouldn't have understood what it meant to be so "JC", but now I do. Maybe it would be more useful if I differentiated our interaction as "so elite JC!" Sometimes I like behaving as if I'm elite, because it gives me an excuse to scorn the underlings who have scorned me. Elitism is balm for the ego! For sale: my clothes and a pair of heels From Urban OG. Pink platform heels with black bow detail. Made of man-made leather. Size US 6.5. Never worn outdoors, slight scuffing. Edges of seams are raw, click to enlarge. 4.5 inch heel, 1 inch platform. $15.Ebase black and white striped halterneck with ruched bust, 95% cotton, 5% spandex, Size S. Good condition. $7.Satin handkerchief hem empire waist dress with low cross back and underbust drawstring. Never worn before. Free size. $18.Target black ruffled dress, size S, 100% rayon. Worn once. Click here to see original product. $19.Target black ruffled tank. Worn once. 100% rayon, size S. $10. For original product, click here.Size M, Uniqlo UT Women's World Creative Magazine, tunic-length, good condition. $10.Size M, Uniqlo UT, good condition, A-line cut, slightly sheer. $10.Meet-ups available, postage fees will be given upon request. Email me at hejinblog@yahoo.com for further details. Thank you! You don't know my name. The H1N1 flu first seemed like a distant, other-worldly disease that wouldn't affect my personal life. But now it's hitting closer to home, as friends of friends get infected with the disease and friends get quarantined at home. I feel almost engulfed by this flu virus, the flu virus with a name.I was struck with nostalgia out of nowhere, thinking of all the people that have walked in and out of my life and hoping that they are happy (happier?) in their present lives without me. I'm definitely not the first person who has waxed philosophical about how fragile relationships are, but it is something that I felt strongly about and will always feel strongly about. When you're no longer in the same school or workplace, you realise how little in common you actually have with your former friends and start to wonder if the relationship had actually meant anything at all. Was it merely a friendship of convenience, a friendship to be discarded once it ceased to be convenient? I guess the effort needed to preserve the relationship exceeds the value of the relationship. Which is quite sad; that as if what transpired never meant anything at all.Shaz is right, that "relationships are like claps, because you need both parties to commit and make what matters most between both parties work." There's only so much I can do to make things work. And if my eager hand is raised only to meet the still air of space... (If I'm Zen, I'd subscribe to the philosophy that a lone hand could clap.) There is nothing I can do except to be stoic and soldier on.I can only wish that you are happy.*******"you know it's like picking the words out of my headonly the two of you have ever been able to do it"I wish I could say this about someone else too. There's always something missing in my relationships with others. I might find someone physically attractive (and he finds me physically attractive too), but there just isn't chemistry, emotional or sexual. I might think I have emotional and sexual chemistry with someone and find him a great pleasure to look at, but logically I know we are intellectually and socially incompatible and wait - can you actually have sexual chemistry with someone who is a bad kisser? Then there might be someone who is a fantastic kisser, and someone I am socially compatible with and can have intellectual banter with, and someone who actually seems to care for inferior ol' me, but I just don't have that sort of 'feeling' for him. Sad, isn't it.And none of these people are able to pick the words out of my head. What is it that's missing, anyway? Maybe I'm being too picky, eh.Everyday, I hope to be a better person. And everyone helps me to be one. Even the liars, hypocrites, and bastards. Especially the liars, hypocrites and bastards. Damned if I do, damned if I don't ...just about accurately sums up my entire life right now. Because I'm getting too dumb to write interestingly about myself RULES: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to copy-paste this note, and answer all the questions. At the end, choose 15 people to be tagged - including the person who tagged you.ABC About You Questions:A - AVAILABLE: Depends.B - BIRTHDAY: 10 November.C - CRUSHING ON: Hmm. I forgot what crushing on someone means. If I get my crush to like me back, is it still a crush?D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Water. Real drink would be some crappy smoothie from New York New York called Summer Cuddle, a potently disgusting combination of mango and strawberry.E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Possibly Erica.F - FAVORITE: Favourite what? Goddammit, I am plagued with enough vagueness as it is.G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Gummy SOUR worms.H - HOMETOWN: Singapore.I - IN LOVE WITH: I am heartbroken, don't ask. *sob*J - JUGGLE: Boys.K - KILLED BY: Inability to juggle boys.L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Think it was some seven-hour thing in Vietnam.M - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Oreo?N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: Three.O - ONE WISH: To be happy.P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: B.R - REASON TO SMILE: The flitting fancies that divert me from depressing thoughts.S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Some Gabrielle song.T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 9ish, i think.V - VEGETABLE(S): I used to like broccoli but now I hate it. Months of eating broccoli kinda does that to you. I like cabbage and spinach.W - WORST HABIT: Socially handicapped. Fidgety.X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Upper torso and jaw.Y - YOYOS ARE: Something that I remember Syamil used to play with.Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Scorpio.Random Questions About You:What color do you wear most?: Black.What are you listening to?: The hum of the laptop.Are you happy with your life right now?: It sure is dramatic. It is interestingly unhappy. Or unhappily interesting.What is your favorite class in school?: Literature with Whitby.When do you start back at school/college?: Soon.Are you outgoing?: Generally not.Favorite pair of shoes?: Right now I keep wearing my Cotton On slip-ons.Where do you wish you were right now?: Heaven. I want to talk to God.Can you dance?: Eh, am mediocre at it.Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth?: I will learn some day!Can you whistle?: Yep.Write with both hands?: Really badly with my left.Walk with your toes curled?: I will not get off my seat to attempt this.THE DO'S:Do you believe there is life on other planets?: Not in this solar system, but out there in the universe I believe there is life.Do you believe in miracles?: I can't even count on logic, much less miracles.Do you believe in magic?: No.Love at first sight?: No.Do you think there's a Satan?: What a question! It is the same answer to "Is there a God?"Do you believe in Santa?: No. Duh. It's some cock and bull story cooked up to fool children.Do you know how to swim?: I pant after one lap, so no, I don't think I can swim.Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows?: I think so.THE HAVES:Have you ever been on a plane?: Yes.Have you ever asked someone out?: Yes.Have you ever been asked out by someone?: Yes. What kind of lame question is this?Have you ever been to the ocean?: Yes.Have you ever painted your nails?: Yes.THE WHATS:What is the temperature outside?: It's night now, so I'm guessing 27 degrees Celsius?What radio station do you listen to?: I don't, but if I do, it's Power 98.What was the last restaurant you ate at?: New York New York.What was the last thing you bought?: Cointreau chocolate.Who was the last person you took a picture of?: Myself. Camwhore!CRYING SECTION:Ever really cried your heart out?: I suppose I have. I have a need to do it now but the tears wouldn't come.Ever cried yourself to sleep?: Yes.Ever cried on your friend's shoulder?: No. I don't want to ruin my friends' clothes with snot.Ever cried over the opposite sex?: Too much.Do you cry when you get an injury?: Sometimes; it is reflexive!Do certain songs make you cry?: No.HAPPY SECTION:Are you a happy person?: Don't think so.What can make you happy?: Maybe if I were dumber, I'd be more contented with the simple pleasures of life, and I will use my mediocrity as an excuse for happiness.Do you wish you were happier? : Yes.Can music make you happy?: It can lift my spirits temporarily but it doesn't do much for my existence, I think.LOVE SECTIONHow many times have you had your heart broken?: Four people have made my heart break, but I bet my heart has been broken more times.Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd die for them?: Right now I'd say no.LOOK AT MEWhat is your current hair color?: Black with a blonde streak.Current piercings?: One on each ear.Have any tattoos?: No.Eye color: The relief art teacher in secondary school called it burnt umber.IN GUYS:Favorite eye color: A translucent brown that has dimension to it.Short or long hair: Depends on the guy.Height: At least 1.7m.Best clothing: Depends on the guy. I generally like the faggoty look, so like a pale palette, with berms, rolled up sleeves, loafers and a tote bag. Wicked graphic tees are interesting too. I do not like sportswear. But I like a guy who can rise to the occasion and dress formally if required.HAVE YOU EVER.Been to jail: No.Mooned someone: No.Thrown up in a store: No.Done something really stupid that you still laugh at today: I generally cringe, and not laugh, at my stupidity.Gone skinny dipping: No.THIS OR THATPepsi or Coke: Coke.McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King.Single or Group Dates: Single. Group dates don't make any sense. I don't want the other chick stealing my date, dammit.Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate. But if it's good vanilla, vanilla.Strawberries or Blueberries: Strawberries.Meat or Veggies: Meat.TV or Movie: Movie.Guitar or Drums?: Seems like guys who play the guitar are more mainstream, so I'll go with the drums.Adidas or Nike: Adidas.Chinese or Mexican: Chinese.Cheerios or Corn Flakes: Corn flakes!Cake or Pie: Cake.Friends TaggedWhoever. For sale: my sewing paper pattern loot I don't think this is the right platform for selling my junk, but I'll try anyway. I am selling a variety of sewing paper patterns. If you're into dressmaking you might find something interesting. Paper patterns are only sold in Spotlight in Singapore, and they are pretty overpriced. I am passing on those savings to you, my friend.A sweetheart neckline dress with a classic silhouette that accentuates the female form and reveals just the right amount of decolletage.For sizes 8-16.Suggested fabrics: cotton sateen, georgette, satin, shantung linen, stretch poly cottons, crepe back satin.Notions required: thread, 1 x 46cm invisible zip, and one set small hook and eye.Pattern uncut, going for SGD9 (SOLD)Ethereal, dreamy, empire-waist, off-shoulder, handkerchief hem top with optional tie belt that can be worn for everyday romance or a costume party. McCall's 4256, for sizes XS to M. Pattern includes four different variations on length of hem and type of sleeve, whether bell-sleeved or puffed. This pattern is now out-of-print, get it before you can't!This is my version of it:Pretty, ain't it? I made mine in a lightweight, sheer cotton muslin.For sizes 4 to 14.Suggested fabrics: Lightweight fabrics such as Challis, Crepe, Georgette, Chiffon.Notions required: Thread, elasticPattern uncut, going for SGD 11A basic camisole pattern with lace trim to be made in different fabrics of your own choosing. Very easy to make, a good choice for beginners.My version of it:Sizes 8 to 16Suggested fabrics: charmeuse, satin, faille, georgettePattern uncut, going for SGD6Vogue 8119 formal shirt pattern, a basic with a beautiful cut. 5 different variations in one pattern.Fits sizes 8 to 12Semi-fitted shirt has princess seams, front band and long sleeves pleated into cuff.Suggested fabrics: Cotton shirting, silk charmeause, tissue faille, paper taffetaPattern uncut, going for SGD 9 (SOLD)The newest pattern I have of the bunch. An Issey Miyake design for Vogue, pattern 1022. A loose-fitting jacket with shawl collar, full length sleeves, and drapey hem. Pattern also includes a pair of loose-fitting, straight-leg pants with side slant pockets, fly front closing, contour waistband and carriers, button closure. Very gorgeous: I bought about 5m worth of cotton jersey, all set to make this up, but ended up dyeing the fabric blotchily and gave up the venture.Fits S to MSuggested fabrics: tropical weight wool, lightweight knitsNotions required: 7" zipper, two 5/8" buttons for pantsPattern uncut, going for SGD 14Also going for sale are my past issues of Burda magazine. Each issue has over 30 different patterns, all of them uncut and intact. I have:June 06August 06 (SOLD)September 06Jan 08 (French version)March 08April 08 (SOLD)For more detailed info on each issue, please click on its corresponding link to view the designs available in the respect issue. The magazines are going for SGD5 each!Meet-ups available, postage fees will be given upon request. Email me at hejinblog@yahoo.com for further details. Thank you! For sale: some of my books 1. The Lost Boy by Dave Pelzer - $5 (SOLD)A sequel to the heartbreaking and authentic account titled A Child Called It also written by the same author, it chronicles his struggles as a teenager whose adolescent pangs are intensified by a lack of family.Good condition, pages are slightly yellowed2. Close Range: Brokeback Mountain and Other Stories by Annie Proulx - $7 (SOLD)Caught the heartwrenching movie but didn't read the book? This is your opportunity to appreciate the movie with context.Excellent condition3. The Diving Bell and The Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby - $10 (SOLD)A well-known French journalist who could only blink his left eyelid after suffering a massive stroke tells an exquisitely poignant tale of being locked into his own body. He wrote the entire book by blinking when the correct letter was reached by a person slowly reciting the alphabet over and over again. Bauby had to compose and edit the book entirely in his head, and convey it one letter at a time.Excellent condition4. How Baking Works: Exploring the Fundamentals of Baking Science by Paula I. Figoni - retailing at $70, selling at $45For baking enthusiasts who wish to tweak tried-and-true recipes to their own preferences. Offers a lot of insight into the chemical processes behind baking as well.Excellent conditionMeet-ups available, postage fees upon request. Further enquiries should be directed to hejinblog@yahoo.com. Thank you! Stronger than yesterday. I am rereading my old blog posts, and I realised that the old me has a lot of insight to offer to the new and possibly confused me. At such turbulent times, the only person I can count on is myself, and I am glad that I had such soundness of mind. Check out some blog posts of mine dating back from the dark ages.1. Love and compatibilityYou can love each other, yet not be compatible.Attraction --> Attachment --> LoveDo not confuse any of these with compatibility.Compatibility: * Being able to stand each other on a regular and consistent basis * Knowing you have a good chance of living together in relative harmony for a sustained period in the future * Not the same as common backgrounds or interestsChecklist:Do the things that attract me matter enough to help me withstand the likely disappointments?Do I like their approach to the world and other people?Do I have evidence that they will behave well towards me when stressed?Do I respect and accept our differences?Do we have similar goals, values and aspirations?If we each made a list of expectations of this relationship, would they be compatible? Etc.The reverse is true; you can be compatible with someone and yet not love him. Sigh! The harsh facts of reality, isn't it? Relationships are tough.2. Adaptability VS fixed valuesWhere should my values lie? With every encounter with someone whose a little more liberal than the rest, the slider on my values spectrum slowly descends in the direction of the depths of moral decadence. I try to accommodate for the "bad" people, try to tolerate and understand them, and perhaps even eventually embracing their beliefs, believing myself to be much too anal about certain things.But could I be compromising too much of my values? Maybe they are the ones who are wrong, not I! But how would I ever know? Alas, this is the predicament I've landed myself in for pulling myself out of my comfort zone.Seems like the same shit happens to me over and over again; my morals always come into question. Perhaps as time goes by, no experience is really a novel one ever again; every new encounter is merely a reiteration of the old lessons that you're supposed to have learnt from. It is as if life's equivalent of SEAB wants to ensure that you've done all your TYSes and keeps testing you with the same old shite.3. Components of a relationshipI am thinking that there might be more intricate components to a fulfilling relationship than merely a mental, physical, and emotional connection. I just have yet to come up with a satisfying answer. Just wait for me to figure this out; in the meantime, I shall attempt to establish varying forms of relationships with a large sample group in order to unbiasedly identify a complex relationship by its minute components.4. Emotions and decision-makingI'm starting to think about how people make rational decisions under the influence of emotion. It happens, but rarely do they stick by what they say. They just say it, you know.Okay, I'm just anal about saying what you mean and meaning what you say. And words have to translate into actions, otherwise just shut your trap and don't further devalue your dependability by promising to keep your promises.Now, that has a pretty nice ring to it. I think that promising to keep your promises shouldn't have to happen, because the whole point of making promises is to keep them, isn't it? So you shouldn't have to promise to keep your promises cos you should already be keeping your promises without having to promise to keep them! Then you could promise to keep your promises to keep your promises to keep your promises to keep your promises...*You know what? I still have values. I still have a sense of self. Am I confused? I might be. But I am me. And that's something that nobody can take away from me.*****You know. I think I write, or rather, wrote really good stories.The Ikura StoryThe Rich Boy StoryThe Public Bus StoryThe Romantic StoryIf you are a new reader (and I believe I have acquired several new ones during my job at the Japanese apparel store), do read these essential entries because I think these are what make my blog worth anyone's time. I am morbidly stressed out by stuff and I am going to eat a bowl of mushroom-flavoured instant noodles despite having had a $58+++ buffet at Conrad's Oscar. I barely ate anything. I've hardly had time for myself. Too many appointments. 'Tis what happens when you date multiple people. It is wicked fun. Don't know how I suddenly became attractive to the unlikeliest of peoples. Have you ever had your eye candy become more than eye candy? I swear it is an awesome feeling. You should try it some time. My life is entirely hedonistic now. I sometimes experience flashes of clarity that perhaps this is not what I really want and what I really want is something or someone that I will never get.I think fatigue is getting to me. I apologise. Fuck man I am getting emo?! Bloody. Thing about getting emo in the midst of all this highness is that the people you have fun with leave you in the lurch when you're upset. Whirlwind of events. From my virgin clubbing experience three weeks ago in the eighteen and a half years of my existence, I took a complete revolution and went twice last week. (Rebel on Wednesday, dbl O on Friday) If I had to pinpoint the exact instance where my life metamorphosised to the way it is now, it'll be the night I first went to a club. Right after that, I fell sick. I lost my appetite. I started running again. I lost weight. And I am skinny again. And I am wearing all the figure-hugging clothes that I largely ignored for the last six months. And because I am now so busy, I don't have time for housewifey things like baking cheesecakes and white chip macadamia cookies with Bailey's. My weight has an inverse relation to my confidence. Unfortunately, I am also busy enough to not have time to run. But I am involved in other activities that keeps me fit, so it all evens out.I met up with Vivien, Wan Lin and Leung Yan on Friday night: a bunch of people vastly different from the crowd I've been used to for the past couple of months. What we all have in common is our MBTI type: we're all INTJs. And the fact that we can actually come up with something like that as something we have in common just goes to show how utterly geeky we are. But it's okay, I like to embrace my inner geek :) And Vivien had this mad urge to go to a bar, so we went to The Clinic and Vivien got high. It is damn funny; when she gets high she talks about anime and biological functions. We were trying to discuss if it were possible to ingest something that will chemically react with the alcohol, so it will form an unreactive compound so it won't mess up our nervous system. Hahaha.I didn't sleep at all on Friday night, took short bursts of 20 minute shut-eye on Saturday, slept about four hours on Saturday night and spent Sunday at work with a blazing headache, nausea, and sporadic hot flashes. I just wikipedia-ed hot flashes, and apparently they are indicative of menopause. Nooo! I will not be prematurely infertile! But I just had more than eight hours of sleep and it feels sooo good to wake up and not having a roaring headache. And it feels infinitely good to be able to nua in front of the computer doing time-wasting nonsense.Am looking at Facebook photos and I am fairly certain that ugly people date each other. And only ugly people think that they are dating good lookers. How deluded people can get! SUPERFICIALITY FTW!But my mother says that good-looking men will not make good husbands.Okay I got to go! Work is the bane of my life D: Questions and answers. From Xiaxue's Twitter: Is it worse to have a criminal son or a really slutty daughter?Confirm slutty daughter worse. Firstly my son could be a really cool criminal who organises bank heists and stuff. Even if he is a second-rate criminal like, I don't know, drug-trafficking, it's still pretty indicative of his guts. Plus being a criminal just means he is devious (but not devious enough to evade capture) and deviant enough. Also, guys can get away with more things. A slutty woman is just a slutty woman; that she could be clever enough to use her feminine wiles is not the first thing that comes to people's minds.From Jane's blog:Is it worth it to give it all up for a diamond studded degree or two?Depending on what "all" means. Does it mean giving up your dignity and integrity? If it does, then no. If it means creating a large hole in your pocket, then it's fine. I personally think that a degree, especially a diamond-studded one, is not just a piece of paper but also means putting you into contexts where you get to interact with other interesting, brilliant and driven people. And you'll be perceived as interesting, brilliant and driven by association.Is it possible to mend the hole in the soul?I would think not. I think the soul just evolves to accommodate the hole, but the scar will always remain. Innocence once lost can never be regained.Is it wise to choose a path of cold indifference?As opposed to choosing a path of passionate involvement? Recently, I've come to realise the duality of human emotions, that you can be detached and attached all at the same time. It's a very Zen sort of concept that has awoken in me. Don't know why I took so long to figure that out, that you can like engage your body but not your soul, your mind but not your heart. It is probably safer to choose a path of cold indifference, but definitely not wise, since wisdom involves experiencing a whole bunch of things and then having the capacity to reflect about them with measured contemplation, yes? Feeling hurt involves having bad things done to you and reacting to them negatively, and since people cannot avoid having bad things happen to them, they take control of what they can actually control: their reaction. But I think it is impossible to shut down your capacity to react negatively without also shutting down your capacity to react positively, so in effect one is denying one's self of both the pleasures and pangs of life.Is it human to be devoid of feelings, and to depend solely on rationality?Of course it isn't human. But maybe if you question yourself deeper, perhaps even seemingly cold, calculated rationality is not that cold and calculated after all. Consider a decision-making process. IMO, typically one feels an irrational inclination to a particular option, then formulates several arguments for that option. I am suddenly reminded of the book Blink, although I didn't read it.Is contentment a good enough excuse for mediocrity?It sounds harsh this way, but that's what a lot of people do, don't they? If it works, I guess it is as good an excuse as any other :)Is it wrong to be discontented and doubting?Not wrong, but damaging. I don't think it is a moral failing to be malcontent and doubtful, but it would aversely affect the way you lead your life, for reasons I expounded upon in an earlier answer.Is romantic love merely a thinly veiled ploy designed by nature for the perpetuation of our highly complex species?I actually think that romantic love is an inevitable byproduct of our complex social hierarchies. Or rather, what we typically consider romantic love to be is definitely a social convention. This is what Wee Kiat thinks about why romantic love has to be exclusive:I guess you don't need romantic love to bring forth new offspring, but you might need romantic love between the couple to sustain and bring up competent offspring. Romantic love acts as a tacit agreement that whatever they do, they are committed to do it together and do it well, which involves bringing up offspring.Should religion progress with the times?I think it should. Then again, isn't the entire idea of religion to behave as a bulwark that holds people through regardless of the zeitgeist? I guess with different eras, people will interpret the same religious scriptures as per their frame of mind, and in that sense, religion will progress with the times.What ensures solidarity between the mind and the physical body?The mind-body dualism! I have no idea. I have an inclination to reduce all our thoughts and feelings to neurological firings in our brain, but that answer wouldn't be very satisfying, would it? I think solidarity between mind and body is the norm, so perhaps it would be more useful to ask what would break the solidarity between the mind and the body. Some psychotic disorder, eh? It just occurred to me that psychosis is typically treated by suppressing the symptoms - perhaps even elevating the mind-body disconnect. Gosh, I don't have an answer.******Bumped into Jonathan at work, who revealed that he has practically lost touch with his JC friends. It got me thinking that yea, JC friends really don't stick around all that much, and if you're in a clique, it's more out of convenience than a real need to have companions growing up with you. It's quite sad, but I don't think I will stoop to blaming NJC for our predicament; NJ might suck as an organisation (like all large organisations, diseconomies of scale is inevitable), but its students should not be blamed for its failings.I am always very tempted to say, "we wait, we wait, and the saints and martyrs wait", but I think the Murder in The Cathedral quote will be lost on everyone but my fellow Literature students. (In fact only NJC Lit students will know it, since we were the only school that used that text.) There won't be that common understanding, the flash of recognition, the hint of irony resonant when twin bodies of knowledges reveal an unexpected overlap. I guess that's what I miss most sorely about JC: the vast overlap between our stores of knowledge, because we read the same texts and are taught the same things. I miss the intellectual vibrance, and Jonathan, being a symbol of all that, reminded me of it.What I dislike about phones, and technology in general, is your - or rather, my - dependence on them to give me affirmation. I've learned to wean myself out of constantly checking my phone for incoming messages, but I just as quickly unlearned it and now I am dependent on my phone's sporadic beepings.One person said that he feels "damn comfortable around me" and another says he feels a bond with me. I think of these declarations and go, what the fuck, I am supposed to be cultivating an image of detachment and aloofness, I am supposed to be intimidating and unapproachable. I guess I find it appalling that it is possible for others to react to me emotionally, that someone like me elicits an emotional response and not just a rational one. If someone said they liked me because I am intelligent and interesting, I wouldn't be surprised, but if they said they liked me because they feel comfortable around me I wouldn't understand why. "Please refract." All of a sudden I feel morally reprehensible, not because I am necessarily doing something immoral; after all, I am single and I am not accountable to anyone, but because by virtue of being an accomplice I feel like I am sanctioning what I used to find morally reprehensible. You get me?It's been a long time since I've received so much attention. No, I don't think I've ever received this much attention. I was accosted by this other colleague recently, who tried asking me out. He was very sincere, I thought... and all things considered I think it must have took him quite a bit of courage to do it. It is definitely flattering, but only up to a point. Think about it: I work as a retail associate. I hang out with other retail associates. What kind of people are full-time, long-term, retail associates? This might sound elitist but it is undeniable that we come from entirely different social spheres.Why is it that I am only blossoming now, so to speak? I was practically a celibate nun in the second year of junior college. If you are a long-time reader of my blog, you might have noticed that I hardly mentioned affairs of the heart in 2008 - not because I was trying to be enigmatic or secretive, but simply because I had nothing to say. I did have a minor "flirtation" earlier in the year (if you knew about it, you know about it - it was frankly quite obvious) but it was nothing more than a childish schoolgirl/schoolboy interaction. Other than that my life revolved around... what did it revolve around in 2008? I went home straight after school, I did my homework, I used the computer, napped, baked, and occasionally meandered around town alone. Now I'm staying out late late late and I actually got reprimanded by my dad, because apparently my behaviour is very unbecoming of a potential degree holder. I convince myself that this is to make up for all the times I should've been out doing nonsense when I was 18, but didn't because I was a no-life loser. I don't think it makes a difference, because I used to stay up late all the time, just that I used to do it at home. Now I'm like Miss Popularity or something. People actually ask me out for gatherings. Me. Me, who still hasn't gotten used to being left out of gatherings. ME. And I'm not even restricting my interactions to the cool girl clique I'm a part of: I am socialising with everybody. And what I find startling is how easy it was for me, simple old me, to arrow someone and all of a sudden everyone else seems to hate her too. Like I am the queen bee, and all I had to do was put someone down and everyone follows suit. I think I would never have dared to openly put someone down, because I would have feared offending somebody who likes that person.Why was I such a nobody in school? Why did I resolutely mould myself as an outcast? Was it because I exerted so much effort in putting on a don't-talk-to-me front? Or was it because in JC, I am a small fish in a big pond and I am merely small fry, not worth trifling with? Or are the people at work simply more open-minded? It's all relative, isn't it? Or maybe what with me being such a pampered spoilt brat, I am a novelty, a plaything that they are fascinated by. In JC I was just another unaccomplished, ordinary face in the crowd.It is very curious. That I can be attractive without doing anything. Sometimes I wonder, if I weren't born with my looks, would people pay any attention to me at all? If I weren't attractive, I'd just be a plain girl with a propensity for overseriousness and offensive questions, a plain girl who doesn't know how to have fun, a plain girl who behaves cockily because she speaks funny, a plain girl who has a good life but doesn't know it. If I were plain, would he have granted me the pleasure of a kiss? If I were plain, would he have gone to great lengths to make my life comfortable? But because I don't look plain, I am possibly interesting, intriguing, and refreshing. I hate the thought of having to owe my appeal to my looks, because I cannot take ownership of my looks, since it is inherited. I suppose I do attempt to maintain myself, and the effort is something I can call my own, but still, it's only that. I want to be attractive by my own cultivated effort, and not by some genetic fluke.When I was in primary school, I thought Primary Six girls who dated Secondary 1 or 2 boys were cool. When I was in Secondary 1 and 2, I realised that secondary school boys who date primary school kids are just sick. When I was in secondary school, I thought secondary school girls who dated JC/poly/the enigmatic "20-plus" guys were cool. When I was in JC, I kinda decided that JC boys who date secondary school girls are probably too pathetic for their own peers. When I was 17, I thought it was super cool to be driven around by a 18 year old. I remember that culmination of excitement and fear when I was driven around by someone who got his license a couple months ago. Now that I am turning 19, all my peers drive, and I am frequently being driven around. Not in their own cars, of course: their dad's cars. Haha. It's like a regular thing now; everyone fucking drives. When I was 18, I thought 20-plus guys who date people my age just want to have their egos masturbated, and they all just want to reenact some kinky schoolgirl fantasty. Now, I realise that guys in their early twenties are not that different mentally from girls in their late teens. Man-boys take a while to sober up, don't they?I'm thinking that what's happening is a rite of passage. Imma have my fun... hopefully I don't become some hedonistic, immoral monster well into my twenties. That would be horrendous.I overheard someone say this: "If I were a virgin and she were the last woman in the world, I die also don't want to fuck her." I hope I never get described like that. As a fellow female, it is really demeaning to hear someone else being talked about like that, but my sympathy doesn't extend past my own selfish fear of being talked about in that manner. Please vote! The day was coming to a close, and lethargy and fatigue washed over me. I let out intermittent groans behind the cash counter and muttered a hoarse "I want to cry already..." He looked sympathetically at me and went, "Want to cry ah? This *points to own shoulder* can lend you."Because I am socially inept and I think every remark made by the opposite sex has potential to be sexually charged, here's a poll for you to help set me right.So what do you think?FlirtatiousFriendlyView ResultsFree web poll from Free Website PollsP.S. Usually I think that if my gut instinct even begins to question his intentions, it is probably right. Spendthrift I've been on a roll after a brief experimentation with shopping abstinence. It must be withdrawal effects...Just got this today. Cutest and brightest thing to wear on my bum!Got the same print but on a more feminine-cut tee.Wore this to work and got lotsa "whoas".Got this pair of men's pants, and also got quite a bit of attention. Thank goodness my brother can wear them too. I feel it is less of a waste that way.Just bought this, the Converse Chuck Taylor Light Ox - I really like the sleek cut of the shoe.Bought this Casio watch for a song: $38? Equally flashy but would be less heartbreaking to misplace than my other watch.Also bought random stuff like a $5 belt from Cotton On, slip-ons from Cotton On, suspenders, white tank top, etc... I think my style is evolving. I am losing myself!! Update. I got into some shit at work for some things I said on my blog. Personally I think whatever statement they took offence by is totally taken out of context. My statement was rhetorical, for goodness' sakes! I might have used stronger language, but that's just because I am blogging. Oh well. It now sucks to know that the higher-ups are keeping tabs on my blog. Or other people's blogs, for that matter. Not that imma risk mentioning the word b-i-t-c-h and the word m-a-n-a-g-e-r-s within a ten word radius now. *rolls eyes*Newsflash: I am apparently charismatic! I find all this very perplexing - in fact, I find myself to be quite a complex piece of business. I can be quite insecure, since I'm self-conscious to a point that I almost fail to function socially. I don't dare to initiate conversations (with people I care about, of course), I don't dare to crack silly jokes in case people think I am a frivolous nutcase. Yet I am sure enough about my own attractiveness and intelligence and other assorted talents and abilities I have. I also feel that working in a big organisation, we are all helpless beings subjected to the running machine's whims and fancies, but as an individual I feel a great sense of autonomy over my own future. Weird, huh?I just realised that if loving someone means entrusting your life to him/her, it doesn't have any implications on exclusivity. You could trust more than one person with your life which means that you can love two people at once. Gosh, trying to figure out romantic love with logic is so mind-boggling.It's funny how all my hobbies like reading, shopping and analysing comes to a grinding halt once I'm socially active. Hah.Next week I'm having my first Saturday off in AGES! Ask me out!! :D Series I've not had a proper update in ages. A lot has been happening, truly a lot. I've done many things I've never done before. Many. Naturally, I've been assessing and evaluating things. I'm not the kind of gal who gives you humdrum updates about what I've been up to and my daily superficial and inconsequential concerns. Who cares what I had for lunch or who I went out with or how my managers are bitches? I don't want to look back on my blog and read a chronological order of my day-to-day concerns. That would be so dull. I want to read my blog and examine how I've grown as a person, how my thinking has changed, how my principles have (or hopefully haven't) altered.I see myself as a person with rather firm principles, even if they might be fairly liberal ones. I also see myself as a person who always has a reason why she does certain things, and if I don't have one on hand I will make one up and convince myself that it is so. I don't like doing things, not knowing why I am doing them. And I cannot understand people who do things without knowing why they do them.Recently a number of people have been saying that I am really smart, too smart for him/this/that. Really, what does it mean to be smart? Is it worth being smart if it means being fucking depressed half the time? What does it mean to have an emotional connection, a physical connection, and a mental connection? Are they separate or interlinked entities? Is it possible to like someone's hotness but despise his worldview and way of life? Is it possible to feel an emotional connection with someone on retrospect but somehow think that there's something lacking? Am I simply incapable of feeling genuine connections, or does the fault not lie in me?Will I be able to trust a cheater? Am I slut? Can I bear to stoop to being a third party? Can I take rejection? Why do people feel rejection even when they have convinced themselves that they don't give a shit? How do people live with themselves? How can someone claim to feel strongly for another, yet turn a blind eye so easily? Are emotions really so volatile? Can they trusted, if at all? If emotions change so easily, does sincerity even exist?So many questions, and no answers at all, because these questions arise because the people that cast those doubts don't think enough to provide answers. Then again, if they did think enough, these questions wouldn't even exist, would they?I hope to be happy and contented with life, but I don't want to live in the moment: I want to be happy and contented with life in its entirety, not just happy living in split-second slices.It is truly important to me to be able to express myself. I feel that life is not worth living if I cannot verbalise my concerns, seriously. I think I've been so down lately because I haven't had time to meditate in front of the computer and blog my thoughts out. I need to do that, to sort out my troubles and organise my thoughts. I pride myself on being able to provide a word, a metaphor, a simile or an example for whatever I am trying to convey. How nice can a person be if he is nice to everyone? How do you know if he likes someone more than others? Isn't the concept of niceness borne out of the existence of the duality of good and bad?I am going to get my degree, and never turn to a customer service job ever again. Ever. EVER. I see a degree as a ticket to skipping all the menial labour shit and actually using some brain cells. My brain is dying too. I've been doing shit like staying up late. Haven't had a proper sleep in ever.I am wanton and immoral. Oh lord. I keep blogging about relationship nonsense. Yes, I think I am very obsessed with the dynamics of girl-guy interaction. Heck, I am obsessed with person-to-person interaction.My younger brother is now old enough to discuss philosophical issues of enormous proportions, such as the seeming infinity of the universe (hard to grasp) and the existence of god (no - no to both a creator god and a protector god). He also has something to add about what makes girls attractive. Apparently, he doesn't think that girls who play DotA or otherwise are into "gaming" are attractive. In fact, he thinks that it's too "boyish". But isn't it an advantage? That a gamer babe is into what guys are into? Maybe my brother is a little conservative in his views, and reckon that girls should like typical girly things like baking, sewing and shopping and leave men to do their manly things."Being one of the guys" was a big reason why I decided to engage in decidedly un-me things like soccer in JC. Granted, it worked as an attention-grabbing ruse - but I think it's more of the novelty that was appealing than the idea that I'm one of them. Furthermore, I was into soccer only as a player and not as a spectator. For most guys, watching the leagues are as significant a proportion as playing the game itself. I guess I only had half the formula right.Like I've said before, how you present yourself determines who you will attract. If there's a particular sort of person that you want to attract, you have to figure out what that person is attracted to, then mould yourself to be that type of person. Ideally, the person that you are attracted to should naturally be attracted to you too - but life doesn't always work out so happily, does it?*******Snitched this from Lulu's blog:You're on a journey and you're with a horse, a cow, an antelope, a lion, and a monkey. To make it through your journey you must kill off one animal at a time. In order, what would you kill off and why?Okay, this is how I'd do it. Antelope, lion, horse, cow, monkey.Why would I kill the antelope first? Antelopes are useless, AFAIK. I don't think they've ever been domesticated, so it's not like I could use them for locomotion or food-hunting purposes. They are pretty, definitely, but that's all to them. I would kill the lion next, because the lion is self-serving and is chauvinistic. The lionesses are the ones who hunt, y'know. But the lion might be good for scaring people off, so yea. The horse goes next, because it is only good for travelling. It probably would be nice to have around, though. I think horses are very elegant.The cow goes next, because cows are useful for milk and possibly transport, but they are too slow and bulky. I think the monkey would be a useful little critter: I probably could get it to help me send messages or steal food, and it'd be fun to have, too.So apparently, these are what my answers mean:Monkey = significant otherAntelope = childrenCow = moneyHorse = ambitionLion = prideSo this is what is important to me, in decreasing order: significant other, money, ambition, pride, children. Possibly! I initially went with: ambition, significant other, money, pride, children.I have no idea what that means. My brain has been wringed dry. Poking things, some awful As long as you know the reason for why you do something, you should be able to get over it if it screws up. Even if the reason you initially came up with suddenly changes and morphs into another inexplicably confusing reason, you still have to solidly stick by your initial reason just so you have a reason, a cause, an intention to fall back on. I need to find a reason: and I hate feelings - or rather, I hate that I HAVE feelings. Other people can have a truckload of feelings (for me) and I couldn't be more pleased. Stupid, shitty burdensome things that cause me to lose my sense of judgment and do things I will regret and ARGHHH *self-butchering continues*I like Wan Lin's current MSN nickname:"I feel like a pincushion."Don't we all! I think I feel more like a butcher's block. -.- A pictorial timeline of my expanding and decreasing girth I've been stricken ill lately, and as a result lost quite a significant amount of weight. The last time I was under 50kg was in January, when I was still high on New Year resolution-making and still stuck closely to the South Beach diet. I've been taking pictures of myself to keep check of my "progress", or non-existent progress.Here are random pictures of self. It has been a long time since my face was up on this blog.Persis, Charlene, Michelle, Shaz, MeOn to the disgusting body pictures.This is my fat tummy on the 2nd of July last year.This is my flatter tummy two days later, on the 4th of July after a sweaty run.This is my obscenely pregnant tummy on the 27th of November, 2008. Food was my number one remedy for everything. If I was bored of studying, I'd bake. If I hung out with friends, we'd eat. Furthermore, this was post-'A' levels: a celebration was in order, and feasting is a natural consequence. For this picture, I just had an extremely filling dinner of Fish & Co's Mediterranean salmon (or something) and a slice of peanut butter cheesecake from The Cheesecake Cafe.This is me on the 6th of March, this year. Look at that matronly lower body.And this is me today, with a super flat tummy (relatively) and a bad posture.Same dress, different body. Wtf?! If you'd like to check out better pictures of me in the American Apparel u-neck dress, please click here. I was camwhoring properly and bothered to wear heels.P.S. I googled "girth" amd the fourth result was an article titled "Why Penis Girth is Important". Wtf?! Tonight is the night. It was a night of several firsts: going out in a large, co-ed group (the last time I did this was like what, Secondary 1?), going to a club (eventually it wasn't the empty promises that got me to one but an utterly impromptu decision), getting high, and doing other crazy shit I wouldn't normally do (let's keep it vague). I also discovered that people are not always like what they look like, but then it gets me wondering how people from different walks of life would have an opportunity to get past their own assumptions to actually want to know more about certain people. Strangely enough I didn't feel conked out when I reached home at 4, in fact I don't think I actually fell asleep until 7ish. I kept dreaming/thinking that I was sleeping on a stack of grey t-shirts that I folded.The people I were out with were wide-eyed when they heard it was my first time, and were insistent that it wasn't a genuine clubbing experience and we will get me deflowered for real soon. Suddenly an apt scenario comes to mind: in Mean Girls, the Queen Bee said, "But I was half a virgin when I met him!"I still don't know what people mean when they say they get so high and wasted that they don't know what they are doing. Maybe I just didn't drink enough, but I still had a sense of control over my behaviour. I think it's just the overload of sensory stimulation that sort of mutes your main processing centre; liquor, loud music, having to shout over the music or get really close to someone in order to communicate, flashing neon lights, and adrenaline if you've been dancing. The deindividuation helps as well: the darkness, the fake smoke that replicates the cigarette smoke of yore, the unspoken rule that whatever happens inside should remain inside. I stopped being self-conscious, stopped thinking shit like "what are they going to think of me", because everyone is doing stupid shit too and if I stop judging people, I will think that they are not judging me too.I think I am analysing this shit too much. Also, it is a point to note that my most outrageous proposition of the day was made when I was out of the place, surrounded by bright lights, sanity and civilisation.I actually had a pretty good day yesterday: dinner with Jason and Jacinda (I always feel like a third wheel when I'm with them... but what to do?); a feedback from the higher-ups that I am now different, in that I am now more willing to associate with those out of my league than I originally did. And she also said that I am too smart for this job. Hahaha you are bloody damn right! (But I still suck at it. Oh dear.) 'Tis true that through this job, I've gotten to know a lot of people I normally wouldn't have a chance to interact with, and in that sense the job was personally rewarding. But that's about it, I don't think the job in intrinsically fulfilling, unless you're a service-oriented person. The group also spent time around the Singapore river - a stretch of water that holds a lot of memories for me. I always feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness when I'm in a group. Hmm.Sidetracking, I saw Utt again! Is that fortuitous or what? Utt, twice, in two weeks! He was at Cathay, with a skateboard in hand. He dresses like an American high-schooler - I don't think the local skateboarders wear quarter-length socks.Ever since that bitch did it to me, I now don't dare to ask my other friends if they too have (or haven't) been asked out to a group outing, because I know how sucky it feels to be left out of the loop. Do you think it is morally appropriate for me to feign ignorance? Sigh. But I don't want to risk hurting their feelings, you know. If you don't judge me, I won't judge you. I am a person honest to almost a fault, yet it also means that I am not very good at putting on a facade. Somehow, my body always betrays my suavely cool words. I blush, stutter and avoid eye contact when I am not supposed to. I do lie very successfully in a specific situation - via sarcasm. Otherwise, I am quite crappy at pretending to be someone I'm not. I can't pretend to be cool and calm when I am actually all flustered inside, I can't pretend to be cheerful when I am down in the dumps. For someone as rational and cold-hearted as I am, I pretty much wear my emotions on my sleeve.It seems to be a universal fact that people like knowing what other people think of them. While I understand this fact, I am not so sure how to exercise it. I am always ready to comment on you people because I am a deadly judgmental person and I'm always stereotyping, yet I don't want to appear obsessively stalker-like by behaving as if I spent the last month observing your every move and formulating a modus operandi to manipulate. Well, I normally would have been observing but not everyone needs to know that, do they?Let me try to clarify what I'm talking about. For example, let's take this seemingly innocuous statement."You seem like you're in a bad mood today."There are so many ways you can interpret the remark.1. The speaker has been observing me.2. The speaker cares enough to observe me.3. The speaker cares enough to mention his/her observations.4. The speaker wants me to know that he/she has been observing me and formulating conclusions.5. The speaker wishes to have his/her observations confirmed or nullified, for other inexplicable reasons of his/her own.Of course, not everyone's statements are directed by such concrete, clearly thought-out intentions. A lot of talk is merely social lubricant - which is why I think people mostly talk too much and think too little.Why do I feel such inertia to ask for people's numbers/add people on networking lists? Or like when I have someone on my MSN, but I don't dare to talk to them for fear of starting off the conversation badly and have it dwindle to nothingness; or like when I just exchanged phone numbers with someone but don't think I have a good enough excuse to start a conversation, not even a SMS one; or when I enjoy's someone company in a socially-mandated context like work/school but don't think they'll want to go out with me on a one-to-one basis.I do know why - I just wish other people knew without me having to tell them about it first. Filler, because I know you've been waiting for it The best remedy for insomnia isn't lab-manufactured drugs like Valium or Xanax, but is a soporific naturally manufactured by the human body.1. Exercise.2. Feel hungry after exercising.3. Load up on carbs.4. Food coma induced.5. Knock out.I swam after work, and realised that I truly cannot swim to save my life. I don't know if it's my poor technique or something, but I feel like I will sink if I go slow or I will be short of breath if I go fast. My body is crying out loud for rest but I have a million pressing things to do, none of them in any order of importance. I would make a list, if only I could get my act together and actually recall everything that needs to go into that list. I'm not a notebook person, so everytime I read a trigger word I go "oh shit I need to do this".I would blog, it's just that the most interesting things in my life revolve around fiascoes at the workplace, and it's not very appropriate to spill all, especially considering that some of my super-snooper colleagues have discovered my blog! I know, I'm asking for it with a blog URL like that, but still. Anyway, it is pleasant to know that new readers still find my blog interesting. It cannot be denied that my blog's content has mellowed considerably since its early days. I must have been one heck of a fascinating kid. Now I'm weighed down by a healthy dose of paranoia, and cannot blog as freely as before.After a night of racous merry-making at Macs, I think it is safe to say that some of my colleagues have seen a side of me that they have never seen before. Unlike other people, I guess I take really long to warm up. I figured that my sense of reservation lies in a fear of being judged. And well, that fear comes from knowing that I am a ruthlessly judgmental person as well. I was reading this book titled First Impressions, and apparently people who try to pass off as quiet, contemplative, or reserved typically appear as intimidating, aloof or cold to others. People who try to pass off as chatty and open might come off as imposing, oppressive or insensitive. I still don't think it is an entirely bad thing that I don't look like a friendly person.Eh the US dollar is very low now. Probably should convert my money now, if anything. I wish I had loads of money, so I could earn money by trading currencies. Woohoo! And now a kid my age can dabble in the stock market too! Too bad I know shit about the stock market, and I don't have a significant amount of money. Bah.I think I've a little spark going on with somebody. Only too bad that nothing's gonna come out of it. (I wonder if I'll still remember who I'm talking about when I re-read my blog six months down the road.)