Looking through this mess I’m referring to my room. There has been a series of rather reflective posts on my flist on LJ that’s setting me off some thoughts. Thoughts that come and go as they like, fleeting, musing and escaping. I’m never a thinking person, or rather, I perceive things at face value. That makes me kinda shallow doesn’t it? I don’t ask questions about why I am what I am, or come up with descriptive flowery words to describe my current status. Let’s just say my England is Powderful, and you might puke reading those obviously awkward expressions. I wonder sometimes (as part of my fleeting escaping muses, yes I reuse words all the time) why I do not think as much as other people. I like to stand and watch the world, to see the clouds and to feel the winds. There’s so much to see on the surface that I do not have breadth to go deeper. The mysteries of the universe remain as mysteries. I like to see the question mark that appears when I look at the unknown. Maybe that’s what’s causing me procrastinate. I’m actually enjoying the unknown that comes with being jobless. I’m so weird. I miss those days when floundering was accepted as youth. We’re always running out of time. I’m not sure what is the purpose of this post really — I do miss you terribly.  Full stop So, that’s it, I’ve told my boss (the nice one ^^) that I’m not staying past Jan YES I AM REALLY QUITTING (minus the resignation letter). WTB Jobs with good $$$ and easy work (wahahaha like that exists)… Nodame Cantabile! I’m so hooked. So bloody hooked. Even Hana Yori Dango LA didn’t get me as hooked. In this week, I have finished watching Europe Special (even though my Japanese-fu is lousy), read up the Vol. 18 of the manga, watched the entire bloody anime. (Subtitle for EP1 is now @ s-projects.org and torrents of both EPs are @ d-addicts) The LA is much lighter than the manga (usually), and I must say, the leads have such good chemistry, I almost shipped them. Almost is the keyword, because I have seen their other Jdramas besides this one. It’s Chiaki and Nodame that will look good together, not the leads. I saw with a sad realization during the SP’s special (as in those kind of “The Making of…”) that they have very different personalities from their characters. Sad, but I’m also impressed by their acting skills. The manga, however, I think I like it so much more. There’s a lot of character issues they touched on, and there’s so much more depth to the characters. LA has a happy ending ^^, but the manga is currently facing the series crisis (as how I look at it). Chiaki and Nodame both have some kind of achievement in the musical career, so I doubt the manga will be dragging the career growth part. The manga is not easy to find, so I’ll upload my set at some nice location for anyone to try… Not megaupload (I’m starting to hate that service!). Volume 1 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 2 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 3 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 4 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 5 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 6 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 7 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 8 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 9 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 10 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 11 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 12 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 13 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 14 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 15 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 16 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 17 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] Volume 18 [link] [mirror1] [mirror2] So um, 2008 So, happy new year to all?I haven’t posted anything at all, and well, sorry about that. But anyway, no news is good news usually 2007 in reflection I got pay raise Sing got married! Hit 70 in WoW Started a guild in WoW Ended a guild WoW Tried to cook pasta, which tasted alright Fell sick regularly Became really busy 2008 resolutions (i.e. the unrealistic dreams) Lose 5kg ? Hmm, I’m too simple to have big dreams…  But the trip to Vancouver is confirmed! I’ve made it happen So, I’ll be away from Singapore from 13th Feb to 26th Feb.  And, there’s the new job thing. I’ve finally decided to not extend my contract with the current company and look for a new job. I just have to believe that my work experience can cover for my ugly results… seriously 2 years of experience should take me to places I want to go already. So, if you know of any places looking for people, let me know ASAP!  So, why have I stopped posting… Well, mainly because I’m busy and tired almost all the time. But also, because there’s really nothing to write about. There’s only so much jaded Singaporean I can take Am I still disillusioned? Maybe not. I have progressed to indifferent. Target. Target. Target. Aiming for the day I can leave this place. To get out of the totally ridiculous system. Envious of those who are born with… not a silver spoon anymore, a golden goblet. The mansions in Thomson are a part of my daily sceneries. When I go back to my HDB estate, I see the poor Auntie collecting used cans. Such disparity. But not like the grand dynasty cares. They can be shipped off to Batam for all they care. (Like garbage, don’t you think so?) Maybe I have turned blind to things like this. This is out of my ability to help. I’m still struggling paycheck to paycheck trying to save up some meager amount for the rainy days. xxx It’s like work nowadays. Sandwiched in the middle, faced with endless problems from someone I cannot control. Unable to explain to the others why things are going this way. Tired. xxx WoW is the same thing. As the GM I do not have control over my guild, because I’m inexperienced. Seriously, tired. Seriously, this is not the way I want to enjoy the game. Flavour of Life My heart nearly broke the first time I heard this song over HYD II. ありがとうと君に言われると なんだか切ない さようならの後も解けぬ魔法 淡くほろ苦い The flavor of life… The flavor of life… 友達でも恋人でもない中間地点で 収穫の時を夢見てる青いフルーツ あと一歩が踏み出せないせいで じれったいの何のってBaby ありがとうと君に言われると なんだか切ない さようならの後も解けぬ魔法 淡くほろ苦い The flavor of life… The flavor of life… 甘いだけの誘い文句 味気のないTalk そんなものには興味をそそられない 思い通りにいかない時だって 人生捨てたもんじゃないって 「どうしたの？」と 急に聞かれると 「ううん、何でもない」 さようならの後に消える笑顔 私らしくない 信じたいと願えば願うほど なんだか切ない 「愛してるよ」よりも「大好き」の方が 君らしいんじゃない The flavor of life… 忘れかけてた人の香りを 突然思い出す頃 降り積もる雪の白さをもっと 素直に喜びたいよ ダイヤモンドより軟らかくて 温かな未来 手にしたいよ限りある時間を 君と過ごしたい ありがとうと君に言われると なんだか切ない さようならの後も解けぬ魔法 淡くほろ苦い The flavor of life…The flavor of life… Translation When you say “Thank you” to me, it somehow makes me feel a bit pained. And after you say “Goodbye,” that magic that I couldn’t escape from is just a fleeting bitterness, This is the flavour of life… The flavour of life… I dreamt of a harvest day, and picking unripened fruit In the space between “not quite lovers” and “not quite friends.” And because I couldn’t take that one last step forward, You tell me it’s frustrating, baby. When you say “Thank you” to me, it somehow makes me feel a bit pained. And after you say “Goodbye,” that magic that I couldn’t escape from is just a fleeting bitterness, This is the flavour of life… The flavour of life… Sweet empty invitations and dry, flavourless talk - These sort of things won’t ever interest me. And when things don’t go the way you wanted, You don’t just throw your life away. When you suddenly ask me, “What’s wrong?” I just say, “No, it’s nothing.” And the way my smile disappears after you say “Goodbye,” it isn’t like me at all. Somehow the more I want to believe in you, the more painful it becomes. Rather than declaring “I am in love with you,” wouldn’t a simple “I love you” be more like you, after all? The flavour of life… The unexpected scent of the person I’d just started to forget, it brings to mind that time… I want to honestly be happy, more honest than the pure white of piled snow. I don’t want diamonds. I’d rather have a softer, warmer future. I’d rather spend as much time as I can with you. When you say “Thank you” to me, it somehow makes me feel a bit pained. And after you say “Goodbye,” that magic that I couldn’t escape from is just a fleeting bitterness, This is the flavour of life… The flavour of life… xxx A lot of people think of HYD II scenes when this song is played, but I remember that this is the single that preceeded the news of her divorce. It’s apparent in their individual starblogs that they had been drifting apart. If you need to ask why does she sing with so much emotion in this song… I think the answer is quite apparent. Lonely… Starting out on a new journey… I hope 2pm is like … D-time. I’m gonna go try out a new company, ST E——–, and I’m seriously not sure how it’ll be (the interview that is). Once again, when I look through my portfolio, I’m depressed by my Uni results. It’s like a curse that’ll follow me for the remaining of my life. I always get flying testimonials, but geez, I’m looking at the application form and half of it will probably be blank. I’m thinking of all those “scholars” who will be filling up those boxes… and feel depressed. That’s how meritocracy works I guess. Oh the fucking Fs and Ds. Time to pull out my craptastic skills and write as much crap as possible in those boxes I can write. Wish me luck. After all, this is a perm job with employment benefits The only way I can get out of this hell hole is to go UP! UP UP UP! Some quotes about Animal Farm I love to read Animal Farm… The story is told well and the satire is so parallel to the actual events. Knowing a little about Russia history, and reading this book makes it so enjoyable… My favourite chapter is the chapter 9 and 10, i.e. the end. I cried the first time I read that Boxer died, and it was so very sad when Clover read out the final commandment. Some quotes: 1 ) Reading out the figures in a shrill, rapid voice, he proved to them in detail that they had more oats, more hay, more turnips than they had had in Jones’s day, that they worked shorter hours, that their drinking water was of better quality, that they lived longer, that a larger proportion of their young ones survived infancy, and that they had more straw in their stalls and suffered less from fleas. The animals believed every word of it. […] They knew that life nowadays was harsh and bare, that they were often hungry and often cold, and that they were usually working when they were not asleep. But doubtless it had been worse in the old days. They were glad to believe so. 2 ) But if there were hardships to be borne, they were partly offset by the fact that life nowadays had a greater dignity than it had had before. There were more songs, more speeches, more processions. Napoleon had commanded that once a week there should be held something called a Spontaneous Demonstration, the object of which was to celebrate the struggles and triumphs of Animal Farm. 3 ) “Quick, quick!” he shouted. “Come at once! They’re taking Boxer away!” Without waiting for orders from the pig, the animals broke off work and raced back to the farm buildings. Sure enough, there in the yard was a large closed van, drawn by two horses, with lettering on its side and a sly-looking man in a low-crowned bowler hat sitting on the driver’s seat. And Boxer’s stall was empty. The animals crowded round the van. “Good-bye, Boxer!” they chorused, “good-bye!” “Fools! Fools!” shouted Benjamin, prancing round them and stamping the earth with his small hoofs. “Fools! Do you not see what is written on the side of that van?” That gave the animals pause, and there was a hush. Muriel began to spell out the words. But Benjamin pushed her aside and in the midst of a deadly silence he read: “‘Alfred Simmonds, Horse Slaughterer and Glue Boiler, Willingdon. Dealer in Hides and Bone-Meal. Kennels Supplied.’ Do you not understand what that means? They are taking Boxer to the knacker’s!” 4 ) Clover was an old stout mare now, stiff in the joints and with a tendency to rheumy eyes. She was two years past the retiring age, but in fact no animal had ever actually retired. The talk of setting aside a corner of the pasture for superannuated animals had long since been dropped. 5 ) The animals were hard at work building yet another windmill; when that one was finished, so it was said, the dynamos would be installed. But the luxuries of which Snowball had once taught the animals to dream, the stalls with electric light and hot and cold water, and the three-day week, were no longer talked about. Napoleon had denounced such ideas as contrary to the spirit of Animalism. The truest happiness, he said, lay in working hard and living frugally. 6 ) Somehow it seemed as though the farm had grown richer without making the animals themselves any richer-except, of course, for the pigs and the dogs. Perhaps this was partly because there were so many pigs and so many dogs. It was not that these creatures did not work, after their fashion. There was, as Squealer was never tired of explaining, endless work in the supervision and organisation of the farm. Much of this work was of a kind that the other animals were too ignorant to understand. For example, Squealer told them that the pigs had to expend enormous labours every day upon mysterious things called “files,” “reports,” “minutes,” and “memoranda.” These were large sheets of paper which had to be closely covered with writing, and as soon as they were so covered, they were burnt in the furnace. This was of the highest importance for the welfare of the farm, Squealer said. But still, neither pigs nor dogs produced any food by their own labour; and there were very many of them, and their appetites were always good. 7 ) Sometimes the older ones among them racked their dim memories and tried to determine whether in the early days of the Rebellion, when Jones’s expulsion was still recent, things had been better or worse than now. They could not remember. There was nothing with which they could compare their present lives: they had nothing to go upon except Squealer’s lists of figures, which invariably demonstrated that everything was getting better and better. and finally, 8 ) “My sight is failing,” she said finally. “Even when I was young I could not have read what was written there. But it appears to me that that wall looks different. Are the Seven Commandments the same as they used to be, Benjamin?” For once Benjamin consented to break his rule, and he read out to her what was written on the wall. There was nothing there now except a single Commandment. It ran: ALL ANIMALS ARE EQUAL BUT SOME ANIMALS ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS (Quotes taken from George Orwell’s Animal Farm.) xxx No, this has nothing to do with National Day. Absolutely nothing to do with it. Updates, and then some. Sometimes it feels as though everyone is moving forward and I’m standing still. xxx Someone complained that me and Najib are too close for comfort. I hardly even talk to him during office hours. Very WTF. At most it’s the lunch hour or after work hours. Seriously, they got nothing better to do is it? If that’s how the way they want to treat me, then go ahead and handle whatever/whoever they get after I quit. Job hunting now, so if anyone has recommendations, please say! In many ways I’m quite CBB (can’t be bothered) about this job. Whatever. xxx Guild-wise, we’re raiding Karazhan. I’m more concerned about how the guild is being, as opposed to how successful our raids are. xxx So tired. When will I have time for myself? Just how far will you go? I was reading on a girl gaming community, and there was this post regarding how a girl wants his BF to drop WoW and play RO. The first comment was appalling. “Dump him”, it said. To me, that was totally uncalled for. Just because the BF refuses to play RO? “If he loves you, he should be willing to suffer for you. Even if he hates RO.” When did the measurement of love equate to the measurement of pain? Geez. The OP wanted to bring his BF into RO, but he refuses because he thinks it’s silly, after looking at the game play. He prefers his WoW. She likes her RO. I don’t see how this can conflict so much that the comments actually suggested that the OP dump him/force him to play RO. *shakes head* xxx Some updates… WoW side: 1) Guild name is 2) Slowly, but steadily, moving up and expanding. 3) I wish Itzy and Bitzy will come back T-T Life side: 1) Daryl and Nigel are coming back!!!! 2) Shawn is leaving. 3) Work sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. I want to leave. 4) I sold my life to WoW and work. xxx Sometimes I feel as though the spark is gone. Nothing wrong with us, but maybe things are just too… mundane. Where is the spark? Where? Cherish There are lots of things we cherish, some different, some not. Some of us cherish friendships, some of us cherish love. I want to cherish it all. Sometimes I feel sad when  I see someone not cherishing something they ought to. xxx Some recent events on friend’s friend’s side made me sad. Bad communication between a couple made them lose their touch. Friends, instead of helping, encouraged the break up. Whether or not the relationship was doomed from the beginning, or whatever case, I wouldn’t know. But… Would it be different if he cherished? Would it be different if they knew he cherished/felt that he should cherish? I don’t know. I just feel sad. All I know is that, it’s never easy to find someone to love. And to be loved. In an odd way, I remember the quote from Moulin Rouge: “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return…” xxx After some spin and turn, we pulled out from the guild and we’re trying to build up ours. Casual Guild in Aman’thul for Singaporeans anyone? We can’t think of a proper name though… 1) Kampong Krusayders 2) Prophecy 3) Vengeance 4) Sappoville 5) Any others? Some help there? Weird You’re weird. You feel like you’re standing alone in the mass of faceless people, knowing you’re different. Even among your friends, you feel that you’ve been misunderstood. Your weirdness has been translated to a joke among them, and you’re too nice to tell them to stop it. “It’s just me,” you mutter to yourself. “I’m abnormal.” You attempt to fit in. You act normal, and start laughing at your own “idiosyncrasies”. You want to be accepted, become that kid that people seem to love. You know the answer, but you don’t tell, because people despise smarter people. You laugh with these people, but you don’t seem to feel anything but hollow emptiness. “Are we friends?” you ask them. “Of course!” they say, going on their merry way. “You’re one of us.” Then you ponder. Are you really one of them? Or are you pretending to be one of them? When the answer comes to you, you realise that none of them actually know you. You’re just that awkward member of a group that you’re not sure if you should be part of. That member they seem to be able to do without. Know what? You’re not the only weirdo in the world. *pat pat* Let me go back and think of something better to put here 有些时候自己一个人坐在巴士内，郁闷。虽然天天和他在一起，心情很好，又不寂寞，可是好想好想你们啊。工作把生活磨成粉，有些时候不知道是要哭还是要笑。心中要些小小自私，想要大家一起玩 World of Warcraft。 大家都各分西东了。好怀念那时一起靠着的生活。一起发疯。现在，连 cosplay 都懒得去。 好想好想你。 xxx FINAL DISTANCE 宇多田ヒカル 気になるのに聞けない 泳ぎつかれて君まで無口になる 会いたいのに見えない波に押されて また少し遠くなる 途切れないようにKeep it going,baby 同じ気持ちじゃないからtell me 無理はしない主義でも 少しならしてみてもいいよ I wanna be with you now 二人でdistance縮めて 今なら間に合うから We can start over ひとつにはなれない I wanna be with you now いつの日かdistanceも 抱きしめられるようになれるよ We can start sooner やっぱりI wanna be with you ひとことでこんなにも傷つく君は 孤独を教えてくれる 守れない時Keep on tryaing, baby 約束通りじゃないけどtrust me 無理はしない主義でも 君とならしてみてもいいよ I wanna be with you now 二人でdistance見つめて 今なら間に合うから We can start over 言葉で伝えたい I wanna be with you now そのうちにdistanceも 抱きしめられるようになれるよ We should stay together やっぱりI need to be with you xxx I hit 70 already Work Is a place where the stupid kids are fooling around acting like adults. And I’m dumb enough to get fed up and tell them to quit it. Now, I don’t believe in anyone of them anymore. xxx I miss all of you. A place I can be dumb and no one gets bothered. A place I don’t have to worry about swords and knives aiming for my back, or someone else’s back. Justification? Why bother? So, they’ve decided to raise the ministers’ salaries. Well, go ahead. Does it make any difference whether or not we, the citizens of Singapore, like it? We made so much noise during the GST hiking, but like it made any difference anyway. Go on, whatever. Maybe with that money, I might actually see you DO something. I see all kinds of things happening in other GRCs, but over here, it’s dead quiet like the cemetary in Mandai. All I see in the bulletin boards are the pictures of you doing something, somewhere else. Hey, maybe I’ve been working my ass off too badly to even know of your existence. I mean, OMG, my MP changed and I didn’t know until I saw that the main subject in the bulletin boards changed. Well, you know, bus fare hikes, taxi hikes, GST hikes just means that I have to work harder. I cannot end up at the MRT station jumping off tracks until I fulfill the minimum 1 year of my life insurance. Life is good, or so we’re supposed to be content with. Oh well, I mean hey, I have a roof over my head, a job, food, and INTERNET! It can’t be that bad. All we need to do is to shut up, know which box to tick every 5 years, and all will be fine. Although I do remember some 5 years ago, the upgrading was promised to us, but I guess it’s not important because the funds have to be directed to places where it matters… like contested wards. Bam, they get upgrades really fast! Oh well, let’s just be content with those rumours again, and hope that things will happen. Hope is really good you know! I see hope when the employment figures goes up! It means that more people are getting jobs, and lesser people are thinking about MRT stations. We get more foreign talents as well! But how does that balance out? Hmmm… never mind, the highly paid self-sacrificing MPs knows how it balances out. Economy is going up! I mean look at all those hikes! xxx I don’t see how we are actually supposed to be SO HAPPY! Singapore, oh Singapore. You make me so jaded. By the way, Mr. Young PAPer, those who lives in Potong Pasir/Hougang are your fellow citizens, fellow human beings. Please learn to care for them. Like old people, they really NEED that upgrade, not some “because you didn’t vote for so-and-so” kind of political ramblings. Political ramblings don’t help them move in and out of their homes. Besides, are you telling me these old people, who had worked for the economic good of Singapore at one point or another, are not allowed to having some kind of equal treatment? Are they less than Singaporeans? Are they less than humans? Or is it because you think you are more? xxx You know, all these just shows me the amount you care for your fellow Singaporeans. It all has to be a “give me something and you’ll get something back”. It’s disheartening to read this kind of stuff, especially when on the other hand, you’re telling us to love the country. Love. Love is a very strange emotion. It speaks of giving, of sacrificing, for the sake of another’s happiness. Love does not ask of returns. Love does not calculate the value. But love is also a very selfish emotion. There is only so much love a person can give when he sees no love in return. Love connects and grow. That’s how couples stay together. That’s how friends can be friends for many years. However, all we see in this is a calculative love, one that desperately screams out “LOVE ME LOVE ME”, greedily grabbing all it can, sucking all those who believed in patriotism dry. How can such a love sustain? The blame is on those who had been sucked dry, jaded and “quitted”. But you don’t bemoan the loss of those love — you turn around and beckon the foreigners faster than we can say “migrate”. We’re so easily replaceable… so why bother? (no subject? likely) *whine* WHYYYYYYY stupid job. I want to go out!!! *whine* I haven’t seen my friends in such a very long time. I missed so much. ML left for Aus without me knowing. Daryl left for Aus and I haven’t met up with him enough. I haven’t seen Shahin in ages. Not to mention my little mei-meis. ARGHHHHHHH xxx Time to update wishlist. xxx 今年真的是犯太岁。先是扭伤脚，再来是膝盖软骨发炎。每天做工作到十一点多，累得要死，不常跌到才怪。身心都累了。搞不懂这个公司是怎么搞的，不作到九点多，人家会说你没作工（什么跟什么？），如果别人作迟你不作，就会有什么 morale issue。好烦，要不是为了经验，我早就跑路了。 xxx I want a job that doesn’t make me stay till 11pm everyday. Hey, I do work hard, but that’s too much sometimes. xxx 总是隐隐约约的感觉到老板的“重男轻女”。 xxx Starting to get comfortable with my salary and expenditure. I might actually have some nice savings soon. Can’t wait to leave. Anyone willing to hire me for some employment pass? I work really hard! xxx When I don’t talk to you, it doesn’t mean I don’t care. It’s likely that I’m busy, or that I’m scared of you. Scared that you’re busy, scared that you’re angry with me. Sometimes, I open your MSN window, and … stop there because I have no idea what to say, and you seem pretty much hostile to me. I end up asking myself if I had done something wrong, or that I just became some kind of obnoxious person. I still care about you, and do want to know all that has happened to you… But maybe I’m not worthy anymore. I’m a coward. I’m sorry about that. But just know that when things happen, I will be there to help you as much as I can. Jdrama Obsession Entry Now for a lighthearted, un-emo entry! XD xxx One Litre of Tears　≪１リットルの涙≫ Recommended to me by Najib. A wonderful show that can stand by itself without any messy-crazy relationship. It’s just very, very sad. And the actress, Sawajiri Erika, did a wonderful job with her role. Watch, but remember to prepare a lot of tissue. It’s not a sob story but more touching than anything else. xxx Hana Yori Dango　≪花より男子 ≫ After suffering through the horrid Taiwanese version of “Meteor Garden” (oh horrors of horrors), the Japanese version is finally out. Granted the cast does not look as good as the Taiwanese version, but they can ACT. Jun Matsumoto has a lot of acting experience, and I’m glad that he took on the role of Tsukasa. I like his portrayal of a 19 year old awkward, lonely and violent boy. Season 2 is also out, and totally good! xxx 62 NE Priest, 20 Draenei Mage, 27 NE Druid. Move along! Trapped After so many months, I’m still trapped. Liv presented me the opportunity to move out to a secure place - her place, but I had to decline. I can’t leave. I can’t fucking leave. Everybody can just pack up and leave but me. Why me? Why the hell am I stupid enough to want to seek approval? What is the use of keeping us in this tiny flat until we’re old and haggard? I didn’t ask my mum. I didn’t have to. My sister, someone who is 30, got into a quarrel with my mum when she said that she is moving out. She’s not even asking permission, but as a matter of fact “I’m informing you” kinda thing. My mum’s crazy. What’s the point? I hate her when she goes into that “oh you are all abandoning me boohoo” mode. So much so that I want to muzzle her. xxx Trapped at work. I hate the OT involved in this job. I hate having to deal with impossible schedules. xxx Long to be free. The not-so-standard Vday post Vday has come and gone. And now… I fell down on Monday, spraining my ankle. I’m fine now, but alas, my ankle’s bundled up. Even worse, I don’t have time to go and remove the bandage. Work, work, work all the time. Quite sick of work sometimes, being late nights all the time and headaches and busy. And of course, my boss is slightly biased against girls. He firmly believes in the stereotypical girl - pink, fluffy, cutesy and ditzy. Whatever. He gets amazed when I say I hate shopping. He goes “HUH?” when I say I hate pink. He’s not a bad guy, nor does he make me feel any lesser, but well, sometimes, you know he’s biased. Having an alright time at work seriously. We are more or less tied up in the -team- concept, with both me and D (another collegue) being rather good friends and stuff. I like that. I guess in the end I’m always more of a guy. I can’t seem to mix well with other girls. After a while I realised that in order to know a person, you really have to work a minimum of a few months with him/her. Someone I thought was good became disappointing, whereas another one proved to be good. Oh well, oh well… It’s the first time I’ve seen someone as clueless as C. C, well, wins the award of the most tactless, kanjiong spider, messy, loud female collegue I’ve ever seen. xxx Wednesday, 14-2 3 years on 17-2 6 lilies 52 tarot cards 1 picture It’s amazing how he managed to put up with me. I win Orchard Road!!! Because my bouquet is bigger than anyone elses. xxx It’s just so warm sometimes. Direction. Sometimes I wonder if the mole behind my ear means the truth. Apparently, it means I’m obedient. Maybe I am. I’m always end up asking permission, looking for acceptance and all. Been thinking about moving out, as offered by Liv. I want to. There’s many reasons why I’d besides escapism. I want to break free of the chains that my family is. I want to learn to live for myself. But I’m stupid. I went to ask permission from my sister. At the same time, a storm erupted at home, the gist of it being my 3rd sis who also wants to move out. I don’t get it. I don’t know what’s with all of us staying when they are like 30+ already. I don’t see how it’s “bad” or “wrong”. Maybe she knows we can’t stand her. But we have other reasons why we want to besides “for her”. Contemplating just packing up and leave. xxx So Najib asked me what I want to do after leaving this company. I have no clue, but it doesn’t mean I should stay right? Blah. xxx Sometimes it’s just so hard to be. 不懂爱恨情愁颠倒的我们 都以为相爱就像风云的善变 相信爱一天抵过永远 在这一刹那冻结了时间 不懂怎么表现温柔的我们 还以为殉情只是古老的传言 你走得有多痛痛有多浓 当梦被埋在江南烟雨中 心碎了才懂 General Updates for those who care… New year, new work. I’m busy, busy, busy. But now, I’m learning much more than I had, and organizing stuff can be so enjoyable sometimes (and of course, frustrating). 1. Najib fell into the pits of Magic the Gathering and can’t climb out. 2. Both of us hit 60 over Christmas. 3. We jumped to another guild because they’re good and we enjoyed running with them. But old guild remains just under my alt that’s all. 4. We need to meet up. Protected: Spite? This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below: Password: What do you see? It’s just a random thought on blogs. Najib said that mine is angsty and/or emo, which makes people think that I’m an angsty and/or emo person. “But I am!!” “You’re not THAT angsty or emo.” I still remember a long ago incident whereby someone called me immature due to a certain emotional explosion over an anonymous comment. About me feeling inadequate. About me being depressed for not performing in school. Ah, that was so long ago. It turned out that the commentor (turned out to be not-so-anonymous after all ) and the person did not understand why or what happened. Do I blame them? No. But for a while it did leave me feeling worse that I had before writing. Just like that spark that prompted me to close my livejournal. I guess it’ll be funny when in the end the source entry in question was not even about a relationship problem between me and Najib. It was about my mum. But everyone thought it was between me and Najib, and then anons comments, and someone who just randomly blog surfed to comment on something he thought he knew. Reading through many other people’s blogs, especially those featured in Tomorrow, you’ll see tonnes of people speaking stuff they aren’t even taking responsibility for. Hurtful stuff. People talking like they know your entire life story. People thinking they are when they actually don’t. People trying to prove their existence. Sometimes I really wonder what do people really see. xxx On a happier note, dear Sing is married. My closest girls are married :). Funny thing is people are asking me when it will be our turn, as though it’s the easiest thing to accomplish. Granted it’s jokingly, and that they seriously have hopes for the two of us, but… Oh well, oh well. How I wish it can be as easy as the way you asked “when is it your turn?”. We just had a spat over it last night. Both of us had fear. It’s much too complicated for anyone to make comments on, so please don’t. xxx Anyway, Nigel, I found out about the recent scare you had. I’m sure nothing happened. Your reason for doing it, however, made me nearly do a literal ROFL. Seriously… *pat pat* I seriously don’t know how you’re gonna survive this. xxx I aim to go Canada end of next year, preferably for Christmas Shawnipoo!! xxx I should really start writing some sort of happy journals or something. xxx Suddenly, I remember this journal Ria’s friend showed me regarding this young-not-so-talented debater writing proses on his journal, trying to sound chim. It came across to me as fake and hypocritical, on top of it, it was bragging (to an unknown audience apparently, he’s not all that good with making friends) about how he is youngest yet part of some prestigious debaters’ society. LRN2DBATE kiddo. From what I heard you’re horrid. xxx 57 on Aman’Thul, moving up! Recently I fell for the druid ^^ xxx Fireflies. Glitters, magic dust. Poof in the sky. Sweep the dust off and light another. So uh, update I guess. Read My Result Take the Test xxx So… Not really been updating much about myself, so let’s see… The phuket pics are still in my laptop. I’ll go around doing it -soon-. New job, new environment. I don’t deny that I am still planning to leave, but so far so good. Learning new stuff now, stuff that will actually be useful in the industry, so we’ll see how it goes. WoW-wise, I’m 54 now, going towards 60 soon, but dreading it at the same time, thinking about all the raids blah things that I will have to go through. I will soon invest in a proper PC, I think. xxx Working in the same place as Najib is good. I’m usually in a pretty good mood, and if I feel sour, the immediate bitching target is there. Sometimes, I still wonder why he puts up with me. He describes as though I’m an angel of sorts, but I’m obviously not. I’m human. I’m Kewei. Shar married. And apparently I’m the only close friend of hers that trusted her decision in this. Liv flipped. Matt flipped. I guess there’s more people who flipped. The overnight at Shawn’s was fun, having a 3 person WoW lan party, and after which, the groggy skype meeting. Her dress and her hair is fantastic. She looks fantastic. And happy as well. I think that’s good enough reason to marry. Shawn was talking to Najib about Ria. A lot of things, but I didn’t hear coz I went back to sleep earlier. Things about how everyone has moved somewhere else except him, being NS and in stasis of sorts. And Najib being able to withstand my horrible moodswings. Respect. Heh. Poor Shawn. Poor Shahin. I never thought awkwardness of this sort will drift the gang apart. Poor Najib too. Heh. xxx Sing is also getting married. My closest charbos are all getting married. I see a happy union in Sing and Chow as well.   Sing sent me back the yesterday after the wedding discussion, and we spoke. About marriage and kids. About the pessimistic reasons as to why I do not want kids. I’m stubborn, and no one will be able to sway me. I have my reasons, sometimes I wished people don’t come out and make me feel as though my reasons are absolutely invalid and everybody should give birth because it’s the right thing to do. Bah. However, the marriage thing, is more of a personal decision. If he tells me he can, and wants to marry now, I’d say, sure. We’ll run away in a small civil wedding and disappear However, if he tells me that marriage is tough and most likely will not happen, I’d say, sure. We’ll stay together with or without the cert. Unless of course, things change. I don’t need a cert to provide the sense of security. xxx I’m being chased out for dinner. Ttyl guys. Why do I feel as though I don’t care? So very numb. Am I still a Singaporean? I guess not. Does it matter? I doubt so. Do I love Singapore? No. What if one day Singapore sank? I sure hope I can find a ship to leave. Why leave Singapore to e.g. Australia, when you know that being there makes you 2nd graded citizens? Because it’s better than being 2nd graded in your home country. At least I can find a justification for that. xxx There’s no reason left for me to rationalize how I could maybe still stay on in Singapore. I feel dead here, everyday. I feel suffocated. When the dream of living a simple life is impossible (hello, housing loans, rising transportation fees, hiking basic living expenses), how can I expect to survive here? The future of Singapore is bleak to me, but yet, it seems as though it’s got nothing to do with me. It can sink for all I care. We quit, because it’s obviously a trash place. Who would stay on in a corporation which will: find means and ways to reduce your wages as a form of “encouragement” to work harder. make the canteen food really really expensive by making the stalls’ rentals sky high. They profit much from those rentals. your salary hasn’t jumped 10 fold, but the canteen food has certainly jumped 10 fold over the years. no welfare? You mean we cannot take MC?! *weep* Noooo MC makes you lazy! they announce that they MIGHT have 1 day of MC IF AND ONLY IF the stalls’ rentals go up again, to make up for the loss for 1 day of MC. Hello, 1 day of MC per employee will become millions and millions of loss in efficiency! MC is evil! Meanwhile canteen food jumps another fold. however, the 1 day of MC does not arrive. sometimes you get small refunds of your reduced wages in the form of 2 to 8 slices of sashimi. you’re supposed to feel contented with it since it comes around 1 in 5 years. reduce your wages to feed another corporation. FOR WHAT? brain washes you to love the company. In a very very obvious way. hides all bad news about the company. Now, you wouldn’t know when the company closes down right? not allowed to talk. EVER. anyone who is found talking will be given dumbcane. Quitting, apparently, seem to be the right choice. Angry I am so angry that I need to vent. So I dropped my work to write this. Now, don’t come up with any smartass comments to my vent, because DUH I am venting. xxx How can guys come up with such ideas about love? How can they view love as something they can use to manipulate the women? case a. This has been talked to death by me. Cue R and J and what J turned R into. Yes it’s long over, and R has such a possibly good future ahead of her, whereas J was last heard being reduced to penniless trash. case b. So a friend has been talking to me about love and commitment recently. I wasn’t really the one doing the discussion, but I did read what was going on. The end result of it all left me worried for him, and for his girlfriend. Because I know no girl will believe that she can stay with a man who is there - committed, but obviously bitter. It’s a scary future. case c. This is the cause of this rant. I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE HOW MANIPULATIVE HE IS. He’s PETA. He wants his girlfriend to go vegetarian for his sake (i.e. give up her favorite food, etc, mind you, she’s Singaporean). Not satisfied with her willing to give up meat for biological meat (i.e. more expensive meat grown in laboratories), he turns and advertises in her blog. We’re obviously not happy with the way he’s forcing her (give up meat or break up), and we know how ridiculous PETA is. Cue sudden argument (out of nothing) between her and him, because he thinks her friends do not universally adore him. Suddenly, this becomes some kind of spark which things go downward spiral. He tells her he no longer feels butterflies when he sees her. He takes all the little things (she bought muffins for him after work despite being dead tired, coz he liked it, etc) for granted. He says he sees no love. He wants her to give up her dream for him. She decides she wants to save the relationship (whereas he says he’s not gonna try anymore), and leaves all of her life behind, inclusive of an argument with parents, for him. He wants a relationship without arguments, i.e. perfect. Now, how is that POSSIBLE? Don’t ask me, he wants that. I hope he stays well fine as a monk coz the only person he can’t possibly argue with is God, since he’s all the way up there, and he doesn’t argue, he sends you to hell. Despite all efforts, he says now that biological meat doesn’t work (when he said he would), because her friends hate him, because they argue, they will break up. Not only that, he has been prewarned that friend is depressive, negative and pessimistic. Now he says he’s tired of her being depressive, negative and pessimistic. He’s sick of reassuring her (which I seriously DID NOT see those after that PETA fight). Fuck off, idiot. You asked for it. You wooed her. You told her you can handle that. Now you blame her, knowing that she has some kind of self-esteem problem, pushing her into a further state of depression, negativity and rock bottom self-esteem. Does that make you, RENE, proud of what you’ve done? She needed help, but all you wanted was her to give up all she ever had to be your little pet. To become that magic card to dish out to people - a submissive, hot, asian babe, willing to do all your dirty laundry, take all your stupid PETA crap, take all your immature shit and swallow it down all because she loves you. You took the shattered her and pulverised the remains. It’s almost as though she isn’t depressed enough. Does that make you feel powerful now?  You, piece of shit, stop hurting my friend. You don’t even deserve her shit. You aren’t even fit to help her sweep up her fallen hair. You have confirmed the kind of shit man I’ve suspected you are. Argh, so aggravated. Some thoughts… About more than a year ago, I was lost after my graduation, wondering if I should continue with what I got with my degree, or move in a completely new direction. I got a job, I told myself to stick through with it. I wonder how much has changed within this year. Somewhere in June I stopped catching up with time. My life revolved around work, and Najib, because he was the one who could give me solace out of this stressful non-stop working life. I did not abandon you… or maybe I did. I told myself it is out of my hands, but is it really? Through all those troubles you felt, I wasn’t able to respond. I saw your msn messages but I had so much to do, I didn’t reply. Now I have time to relax in Phuket, I miss you guys. I miss talking to you, hugging you, and telling you things are different but we do not change our friendship. I regret all the times I spent working on that unworthy project, when I could have been there to hold your hands and talk to you. There’s so much I have missed. There’s so much regret. My only path to you is that journal you have. I read your words with endless regret, knowing that I could have done something, not to prevent it maybe, but to lessen the hurt and pain you’re going through now. Trust me, I am not willing to let go of your hands. I’m sorry too. xxx On a side note, Phuket is fun We didn’t take much photos, but there’s quite a few things to tell. Let me sort things out first ~ I’ll be back in Singapore some 12 hours later Plans I’ll be away from the country from 3rd to 7th on an phuket trip. I am bringing my lappy with me but I won’t be sure as to whether I will have connection. Till then, ttyl. PS: shar, check gmail. Work rants, and some plans. There’s only one kind of people I can work with - people who deserves my respect, and I give respect to all kinds of people. As long as you’re nice, capable and/or respectful of others, you’re respectable in my eyes. I have the tendancy to treat people whom I don’t respect as hogwash, trash, and/or enemies, and have a stubborn refusal to work with him. All I ask for is respect. Respect that I am an individual, and I have the right to know things that concerns me. Respect that I am an adult, and I have the right to participate in the decision making regarding me. Respect that you do not settle everything else without telling me and following which, expect that I follow your arrangements. Respect that I can actually plan for my own time. And I’ll respect you. It’s really simple, but some people don’t get it :/ Too bad for you then. xxx It’s settled. I’m going from 3rd to 7th