Broken heels and bloodied dreams I’ve been walking to work for some two weeks now. Environmentally friendly and a potential great ass aside, this is because my dad sold my car. For cold hard cash. First thing I did after signing on the dotted line, I bought myself a nice big umbrella enough to house three humans and a donut. It has been a very very interesting journey so far. I paid more attention to the lot numbers on the houses than just norm curiosity. Recent calculations at one house led me to believe that the land developers jumped two digits from the previous house. And one morning as I passed by my church, friendly neighborhood dog Naruto followed me all the way to work. I didn’t quite know what to do as I have this tendency to wildly imagine the dog will get run over by a truck or impregnate another poor bitch, so I walked all the way back to the church and tricked him into the bushes and then ran all the way to work in my black high heels. Everyday I pass by this young man with too much hair clouding his eyes who seems to be on his way to the shops. Every day I wonder if I will see him again as he looks near death and everyday that I see him, I wonder if he’s going to pull a knife out of his pocket and demand for my empty purse. Last week a cranky old man who was gardening snapped at me. Apparently I had blocked the sunlight when I stood in front of his house waiting for the road to clear. Yesterday I let loose a fart. Have you ever done that? Farting while walking? I swear the whole neighborhood heard me. Oh why is my life so miserable? But then again… 916 To the remaining eight of you, I am surprised you still read my blog. Seriously, what do I owe you? :P Due to the lack of blogging or any form of writing, I’ve lost my wit and along with it, my ability to pen concise thoughts. Nonetheless, I’m grateful that you guys still stuck by me! Tonight is Saturday night and one year before on this night, I was out popping pills and grinding my ass on a lucky man’s crotch. That was one year ago. Sometimes I lie awake at night agonising whether too much changes in my lifestyle has led me to become severely boring and ultimately clingy. The cigarettes. The alcohol. The drugs. Oh and yes I cling to my boyfriend. To all you feminist bitches out there, spare me your preaching. For the past six months, it’s been seven nights a week I stay at home and wait for the calling to be interesting. Sigh excitement used to come so naturally to me that even strangers were jealous of my life. Now… now I have nothing to be excited for. Maybe that job promotion or a Sunday lie-in with my dog or that pitiful 5 minutes No.2 in the toilet with my favourite magazine. Now it’s just work, responsibilities and loan repayment to the government for funding my tertiary education. Also, there’s the boyfriend but today we just had a big fight about how he needs space. Thanks for telling me how you feel. Finally. Well… you can have all the space you need, boyfriend because I am going to forget you tonight. For the next twelve hours, I’m going to be me one year back. Now I just need the number of that dealer I used to call. Too young? At 7, I shouldn’t have to learn my parents were divorced. At 13, I shouldn’t have to wash the blood off my thighs. At 14, I shouldn’t have to learn that first love doesn’t last. At 15, I shouldn’t have to identify with suicide. At 16, I shouldn’t have to learn to cut to relieve pain and anger. At 17, I shouldn’t have to live by my own with a strange housemate. At 21, I shouldn’t have to learn that boyfriends do steal from me. At 23, I shouldn’t have to discover maternal grief. And now, I shouldn’t have to find out my dad has cancer. The Witch Came Home Time to panic. I have not lost a single inch off my waist. Truth be told, I seriously believed I’ve even gained two. It’s crazy how sometimes I look at myself, that I’m age 23 now, an age where I should have known better than to lose sleep over an inch of fat and two minuscule pimples on my chin. With my second paycheck, I’ve indulged in salmon sashimi (ah my great love!) and a bag of Dermalogica products. I can’t wait for the third, which I plan to invest in a joint bank account and a nice holiday on a tropical beach. I know! Huge step, right? Most of the time, I’m afraid I made the wrong decision. Coming back to Miri, getting a job out of my educated field and only living my passion as freelance. Why didn’t I go full-time instead? Why didn’t I just grab the offer to go KL and work in a production company? Questions, doubts, questions. Then I would calm down and I realised that this was planned for me by God, that he gave me this chance because I’ve prayed for it… and surely I should be grateful. My love for media will not die within me. If I didn’t know better, I would think I’m wishing for more guts. Vegetables and Dogs As of tomorrow, I’m going on a diet. Graduation is a once in a lifetime event and if I have to ‘almost’ die to look good, then so be it. ‘Almost’ die being no late suppers. I wonder if they have a size 4 graduation regalia. I am not sure what size I am but if they’re giving me a free size, I’m throwing a tantrum. Anyway… so today I was buying some dog food for Darlink. Me being me, I tried to make some idle conversation with the pet shop owner while she rang up the purchase. Just as I was getting ready to shut my mouth, her Pekingnese dog started barking at me and sniffing my leg. Damn cute okay. So damn cute like the pet shop manager. So I said loh “Wah your dog really look like you” She paused. Then very slowly, she looked up from the cashier and enunciated each syllable “W-ha-t?” Realising what I said wasn’t very nice, I tried to further explain why I thought her dog looked like her. “I think it’s the nose!” Pekingnese dogs are known for their flat snouts. She didn’t seem that thrilled at my excuse. Sigh. I didn’t know okay! I really really think the dog is very cute like her! Team Brian Best literature piece since Harry Potter. Fine. I’m exaggerating. But it’s damn sure to be an addictive read. Read from the very first post to most current to keep up with the stories! If you have the time to spare and the toes to curl, be sure to check out the comments too as that’s where more dirty laundry are voluntarily aired by those who happened to cross the path of that lying DJ. Click click click! To Brian, I totally believe this DJ Montano stole your money. I wanna wear a Team Brian t-shirt! Where can I get one? Cikgu Ing Hui A whole dewan greeted me as “Cikgu Ing Hui” today. Hahahaha. What? Very funny meh? I’ve been so busy working I’ve missed my weekends thrice in a row. I don’t consider the possibility of clubbing until it hits Sunday and then I’d be like “Woah, what the hell just happened here?” I’m in bed by twelve and awake by seven. I’m so aunty you won’t believe okay. I have a bun on my head every day now. A HAIR BUN. Not a bread bun! Eh, you all guess lah what am I working as. See who guess correct. People who know cannot participate! Okay… signing off, Cikgu Ing Hui. Ain’t Life Grand I’ve moved back to Miri. Ain’t life funny? After three months of somewhat half-heartedly job searching and repeatedly editing my fresh grad resume, I finally found a job. I actually came back to Miri for a week of holiday since Kuching wasn’t very good to me mentally and physically. I missed my friends and family like crazy. I missed waking up and not feeling like the worst failure on earth. Every week that passed with me as another jobless statistic was driving me up the wall and chipping my confidence off inch by inch. And then, THAT happened. The decision that changed my whole life. Right after that weekend, I bought an air ticket and came back home. My first kolok mee home almost drove me to tears. I was that homesick. One night that week, I went to a young adults meeting. My prayer point that night was to get a job. Mind you, this was after three months of non-stop self-bashing for not being able to secure a proper occupation. I was so miserable and I could not really tell anyone how I felt because first I would have to explain, why oh why did I have to be so choosy. I was basically rejecting every suggestion people threw at me. And secondly, I just couldn’t bear it when every time someone asked me what I was doing then, I would have to lie through my teeth and said something along the lines of “Deciding what to do with my life”. I just really didn’t have a job and that was it. Suddenly I was doubting myself. Whether four years of tertiary education really taught me anything and what if I am the worst employee anyone has ever hired… shit like that. Anyway as I was saying, my prayer point that night was to get a job. So my brothers and sisters prayed for me. The day after, my former lecturer called me up and asked me for an interview. My best friend had recommended me. I went for the interview at 4.30pm. Without my resume, without my certifications. Every paperwork that I had been trying to meticulously perfect over the last three months was not needed. I finished the interview at 5.30pm. I got the congratulatory call at 6.30pm. Isn’t God just fabulous? So I moved back to Miri. So yes I basically drove to Kuching with 9 dogs in the car all for nothing. Isn’t God fierce? You’re probably wondering what I am working as. I won’t tell you because that’s another curveball life threw at me. It has nothing to do with my fresh degree. HAHA. As of now, I’m living in a house with three other women. One divorced, one single but rumoured to be extremely bad-tempered and one lesbian. They’re all too hot to be true. And my new room is smaller than my ass. Still. Father, thank you. Broken ( I actually have no proper words for what I am feeling right now ) I just need to write this down so I can look back to this day and remember the decision that will change my life forever. How do you cry to someone without explaining why? Complicating the Distance The decision is finally finalised this afternoon. The rejection letter was a big sign I should up and move. I knew it was coming, the hopes were slim and I am afterall, a fresh graduate with grades I am not too proud of. An entire month to accept the looming distance and yet it still didn’t make packing any easier. With this man in my life, how did my dreams get so complicated? *** That was more than a month ago. Now I’ve already up and moved to Kuching, a place I’m familiar with but very much a stranger in. Will somebody show me the ropes? p.s Internet connection badly needed to reinstate social activity with the rest of the world in this neurotic city p.p.s Oh and I just turned 23! A Very Scary Post In spite of our self-control, you got me pregnant. First thing I thought when I started getting morning sickness and the realisation began to sink in that this was for real and I had to start thinking like an adult, was “What should I do now?” My future seemed a blur and I walked around the house, doing what I normally did the days, the weeks, the months before when I was stressed, and I cleaned the house thoroughly, washed the damn dishes before they stunk up the house, and yet here I was… still very pregnant. I think I lacked emotion. Your mood went down but this was a given. The baby was unplanned and though we had a name picked out during one of our pillow talks, this was not how I imagined the baby to come. Certainly not when I was about to leave for work, and definitely not when we were still baby stepping into our relationship… tell me please, what should I do now? A few days later, just as I was getting out of the bath and searching for the old traces of myself, most of me lost in the shocking wake of a very pregnant news, you went down on your knees and proposed to me. The matching gold bands shone up at me and I stared at you, my darling in the face and I thought if you believed this was the right thing to do, then so be it. I supposed if the wedding ring had been a Tiffany’s, my reaction would be grander or possibly, off the rocket. But it was just gold and because I needed you more than ever in all the time we’ve been together, I said yes and next thing we knew, we were planning a wedding. The dress was picked out and the cake was booked. Tiered cupcakes, the way I liked it. Though I did not like the wedding dress at all. It reeked of second-hand smell and the train had yellow stains on its floral lace. I hated the wedding and I hated the guests. None of them had the manners to show up in the supposed dress code. The very least you thought they would do to appease a very pregnant young girl on her wedding day. Too many strangers and none of my family. My best friends were there but they stayed at the bar the entire party, drinking up the cocktails and flirting with the girls… and boys. … and so I clicked on quit and did not save my Sims. Let it be that the next time I play it; you will not get me pregnant again. If you must, at least plan the wedding first. Vocab Your Way to Free Rice I happen to know a gigantesque portion of my readers are smart asses. Here’s how you can do your part of charity today to get on Santa Claus’ good side. Click on www.freerice.com and put your vocab to good use! Whoever came up with this idea is a kind-hearted genius. If my tuition school has internet access, this is what I’ll make my students do in class during their free time! My Yellow Support When I was younger, I would follow the country’s politics with strong guidance from my grandfather. This was back in early high school when I was still close to him. Back then, Mahathir was our Prime Minister and Anwar Ibrahim was set to succeed his place. Then the whole Anwar scandal erupted and my grandfather swiftly chose his side. He chose Anwar. I would like to think that everyone of us likes our own comfort zone. It is familiar and it is often a safe choice. Then in 1998, Barisan Nasional has been the ruling party of this country some forty years. If nothing went badly wrong, it could possibly mean they were doing some things right. BN was, in a small way that I am trying to make sense of here, the people’s comfort zone. That was my comfort zone. I chose my side because heck, this felt like a safe choice. So when my grandfather took Anwar Ibrahim’s side, I did not understand. But now come 2007, many years too late, I finally do. My grandfather was a brave man to step out of his comfort zone, to quit his position in the national party, to stick up for who he believed was right. This November 10, a 40,000 people-strong BERSIH rally was held in Kuala Lumpur. Yes, this very November. Yes, this very year. And yes, last Saturday. The rally was held to push for clean and fair elections in Malaysia. How many of us knew this? In our national newspapers, both The Star and News Straits Times, there were close to no coverage on one of the largest protest demonstration in Malaysia. How did this escape the media’s attention? It did not. They just chose another angle to this news. From The Star, the headline reads Road closures, checks cause massive jams in Klang Valley From News Straits Times, the headline again similarly reads Illegal gathering causes traffic chaos in city Are.you.freaking.kidding.me? Is there all there is to this news?! You have 40,000 passionate Malaysians walking down the streets in KL with a memorandum about to be handed to our King and this is all you can freaking write? About a damn traffic jam that happens every other hour in KL? Boo! Do see for yourself how bias our media is. Heavily controlled and ass-whipped by the government, this is all you can get. A video to show just how ridiculously misleading our media is about the rally. So blatant, right? The rally was nothing like how the video portrayed it to be! Disgusting. Look at what other ridiculous front page news just in this month alone in our national newspapers. Look at how they conveniently side-stepped one of the biggest nation cry for help to our King! While internationals papers are going wild with reports and live video footage, our own media are weighing their stand. Oh and let’s not forget that they fired water cannons and chemical-laced water at the peaceful protestors. There were children and teenagers in the crowd! I’d like to stress on peaceful. This rally had a dedicated group of people, Unit Amal Malaysia who were there to control the crowd (click for proof! The men in red at 0:06 were the brave crowd control people) and to pick up the bloody rubbish after the rally! Picking up rubbish, my people! Crap, even on a normal day, you don’t normally see a Malaysian bending over to lift up a soggy plastic bag by the roadside! A rational decision to spray chemical-laced water? I dare say NOT! Click here to watch the tear gas video because yet again, I still don’t know how to work the youtube video. Oh Malaysia! As much as I hate the way freedom of the press and speech is suppressed here despite the Constitution, the underground bribery and the-exposed-and-swiftly-swept-under corruption scandals, the notorious Malaysian drivers, I am still a Malaysian and not a thousand wishes to move overseas will change this fact. Oh but you know, what the hell am I really doing here? Writing about politics? Hell. I am just a 22 year old girl who loves her fun and parties. What the hell am I doing writing about grown-up stuff, right? But I am a 22 year old Malaysian girl who loves her fun and parties. And it’s about time I grow up anyway! Most importantly of all, I have a vote! You have a vote! And nobody can take this away from us. A vote that our country’s forefathers fought for us. People shed blood for this vote. People cried and died. People sacrificed. … for this damn vote that I hold within my power to give to who I think will serve my country best. So please use your vote. It is time we step out of our comfort zone. Hidup Rakyat! Read more at Dan-Yel, Pinkpau and BERSIH. Photos taken from The Associated Press. There She Goes… Again Before I run off to another production assignment, let me just wish you all a Happy Raya! I know I’ve been an absolute wreck when it comes to updating the blog these days and I’m sorry! It’s my final semester so things have been more than hectic lately. However, give me five minutes and I’ll introduce to you my newest youtube crush, Vitas. He’s a cocky Russian falsetto singer with a sexy trademark smirk to-die-for. Click here and here because I’m an idiot when it comes to embedding videos. Every single time he smirks at the audience, I just wanna take off his clothes and rape his skinny bones off. Actors Wanted Hello Mirian men and women! I’m directing a corporate video for Siamese Secrets and New Nikko Japanese Restaurants. I’m looking for 25 to 40 years old males and females with passion for food and a lot of patience. Expatriates are most welcomed. Basically, those who are selected will just be sitting in the restaurants eating a truckload of free food. Shooting Schedule Siamese Secrets: Thursday 11pm to 5am and Friday 7pm New Nikko: Wednesday 7pm onwards This is actually a last minute search for extra actors, so if you are interested do get back to me immediately by tomorrow latest. Send an email to inghui85@hotmail.com Oh and if you are just interested to watch our production and have dinner at the same time at the restaurants, that’ll be great too because then you’ll just be our filler subjects! :) p.s recent shots of Darlink just to keep you till the end of the page! Ha! Cocks For Abs I might be a little outdated but damn this woman Margaret Cho is a fantastic comedian! You all should definitely watch this! How many women in the world have the guts to say she’s slutty and demand a slut pride parade and then begin to vividly describe giving an orgasm to another woman? All these with her parents in the audience! LOL. The video is only one part of an entire DVD so do watch the rest to truly enjoy her talent! After all, she’s the first woman I’ve heard to loudly proclaim that you’d have to suck cock to have visible stomach muscle definition! Oh and before you ladies start bending over, it only works for men. YAY GAY PRIDE! But I think it isn’t until you watch this last part of her video that you realise what an amazing strong woman she is. She’s awesome. p.s how the hell do you embed in a youtube video? Oh heck just click on the link. Can’t Bargain With Orgasm My water heater just fell off the bathroom wall. … I guess I got a bit carried away. OH WELL. Time to call the plumber!