Daddy's Hair Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?" Cost Cutting DUE TO THE CURRENT FINANCIAL STATUS OF THE COMPANY. ALL EMPLOYEES ARE ENCOURAGED TO ADOPT THE FOLLOWING COST CUTTING MEASURES Lodging All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of Fingers Accidentally Shears Off Jon is working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do." Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2000. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of First Child Doctor Visit A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink. The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters the stamp said, "When you can Fire Fido A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." Then a third child brought the argument to a close. "They use Unlit Cigar Bill was visiting a friend in the hospital. He had recently quit smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A woman on the elevator said to him with a snarl, "Sir! There's no smoking in here!" 'I'm not smoking lady." replied Bill. "But you have a cigar in your mouth!" the woman said. "Lady," Bill answered, "I've got on Jockey shorts, too, but I'm not riding a horse!" Sister Margaret Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath...I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret Woman almost becomes roadkill A drunk Russian woman had to be pulled out of a newly-laid road after she fell into a concrete mixer and then into a pool of drying asphalt. Elena Pavlovna, 43, had been walking home after a lunchtime session with pals in the town of Kemerovo. She saw her path was blocked by machinery left by workers who were taking a break from resurfacing a road and tried to step over the machinery. But she A Dollar Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..." The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff." The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toliet paper." Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself." Reluctantly, the first guy goes and Say Uncle Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed the brother. "And why not?" asked Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan said nothing. The brother grew impatient, "C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle." Stan Finding the Lord A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found A Wee Bit Of Trouble Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I canna button me pants. " "Oh Angus ... I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it." About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon Three Wife There were three women who's husband's had all died on the same day, and the same hospital. All three of the wife's met each other, and starting talking about what they were going to do with their husband. All three of them said that their husbands were going to be cremated. The third wife asks the first where she's going to put her husbands ashes. The first replys "I'm going to go skydiving A Sick Veterinarian A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor took an extensive medical history and then inquired about her symptoms and complaints. She interrupted him, "Hey look, I'm a vet. I don't need to ask my patients all these questions. I can tell what's wrong just by looking." She smugly added, "Why can't you?" The doctor nodded and said, "Okay, I'll take your challenge." Successful Proctologist Cisco is riding to work on the subway one day. The man across from him keeps staring and staring. Finally, Cisco says, "Look, do you mind not staring at me? It's making me uncomfortable." The other man says, "I'm sorry...My name is Jake. I'm gay, you see, and I think you are the most beautiful man I've ever seen. I was wondering if you'd be interested in going out..." Cisco chuckled to himself, Gays There were two gay guys living together. One was more feminine and the other more masculine. The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it. Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy and really the only thing he could try What do Women really want Gawain, Arthur and the Witch Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The Snow in June A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. "Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck. "It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?" "Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said. After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?" "Can you imagine what it Patients in a Mental Hospital Anthony and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day,while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and Anthony suddenly dive into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling Anthony out.The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that Kiss At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver his speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it. A guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife has sent you a KISS before you begin your speech. She must love you very much." speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters Kids 2 brothers were having their breakfast one morning.. it's cereals with hot chocolate.. the younger brother finished his drink and took his bowl of cereal, and went to the aquarium. Just as he was about to feed the fish with the bowl of cereals, his mother came in and shouted, 'jon, dont do it!! the fish will die!!' the little boy turn pale, and gave his mother a desperate look.. Homosexuals Cecil and Scott are two homosexuals living together. It was extremely hot one day and Cecil arrived home to find Scott with his ass in the freezer. "Scott! What are you doing with your ass in the freezer?" Scott replied, "It was so hot outside, I thought you'd like something cool to slip into!" The Date A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the The Letter After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send Ted Kennedy a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Kennedy opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message: 370HSSV-0773H. Kennedy was baffled, so he e-mailed it to John Kerry. Kerry and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the The Gender of Computer A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. - "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa". "Pencil", however, is masculine: "el lápiz." A student asked what gender is 'computer? Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves Sexy Sandals A married couple was on holiday in the Middle East and they came upon the main city bazaar. They walked around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman say, "You foreigners? Come in my friends. Come into my humble shop. Salam a leekem!" (hello in english) So the couple walked in. The bazaar merchant says to them, "I Group Picture The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.' " A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; she's dead." Lady Golfer I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls." Guardian Angel A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you Hair Salon I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"