How NOT To Make A Chocolate Fondue I handed Yv a bottle of chocolate milk and a bottle of Nutella. The colleague swears by the mixture of both. Just some milk and a little Nutella, she said. t. Without really thinking properly of the proportion and amount of Nutella and milk, Yv poured the whole bottle of milk and the whole bottle of Nutella in the pot. Oops. Not thick wan leh, she complained. I rummaged through the fridge for a possible thickening agent and handed her two slices of cheese which she promptly melted into the pot. No difference leh, she said. Hong kan. I had a platter of fruits and a bag of marshmellows ready to be dipped, as well as a bunch of people in the living room waiting for dessert. In the end, she went down to buy 3 huge bars of Cadbury milk chocolate and melted two into the bowl. And that is how we had 1 huge fondue pot of liquid chocolate. Which, by the way, is still sitting in my fridge. How does one dispose of a pot of chocolate? DFS There are many things that piss me off, but the latest thing is that I found 30cl Hoegaarden bottles going at $3 a pop at Sheng Shiong. And at the duty free at the airport? $10 for 3 bottles which I have been buying for as long as I can remember. Sure it’s duty free, but it certainly isn’t rip off free. Some of Life’s Lessons 1) Never revolve your life around someone such that if that person leaves, your world crumbles. At best, his/her absence should barely make a dent in your life. 2) Never book a holiday together when you’ve only just started dating. Someone I know wants to dump someone, but cannot cos they have a holiday together this weekend. I think it’s more painful to dump someone after a nice holiday together. 3) If you intend to stay home all day and order McD’s, order a double McSpicy. Eating the whole thing at once with upsized shaker fries would be overindulging. So you should eat one patty with one bun first, and save the other patty and other bun for your next meal. 4) If somehow your corkscrew can’t be found, push the cork into the bottle. The wine may get little bits of wood floating in it, but it’s still drinkable. They Never Grow Up That said, today marks the day someone said the most juvenile thing I have ever heard. I would have loved you more if you had slept with me. Many years ago, when I was young and naive, I might have felt a tinge of regret at not spreading my legs for love, but now, as I fast approach the big 3-0 with too many life experiences tucked under my belt which has made me all the more wiser (even though I have no wisdom teeth), it makes me sick the lengths men go to get laid. I’m sorry I’m not your run of the mill vulnerable insecure little girl just waiting to be loved. On the contrary, perhaps I have too much self love, far too much dignity, and way too much pride to settle for anything less than I deserve. That said, I have been obsessively watching episode after episode of Gossip Girl, and Nate is so hot. Hmmm Transcript of Tiger Woods’ first interview: Q: I ask this question respectfully, but of course at a distance from your family life. When you look at it now, why did you get married? Woods: Why? Because I loved her. I loved Elin with everything I have. And that’s something that makes me feel even worse, that I did this to someone I loved that much. LOVED? That doesn’t sound right. Fate and Timing It’s just weird when you’ve known someone for a long period of time and the friendship has been nothing but platonic, and one day, perhaps over dinner, the spark just happens. Out of nowhere. So very unexpectedly. You suddenly see your friend in a different light. You sit there and take it all in, thinking to yourself what the fuck is going on? Why only now? Why didn’t I see him that way before? Maybe you laugh inwardly thinking how very foolish it is, and how your friend would absolutely laugh at you if he knew what was in your head. But then you realise, he is sitting there looking at you with puzzlement too. A pregnant silence ensues as you both eye each other warily. Little did you both know things would never be the same again because of that very odd unexplainable defining moment. Life is just weird that way sometimes. Question…. Why won’t I let anyone love me? :( Shopping I’m the worst gift buyer in the world. Headed out to buy a gift for a male friend and walked around aimlessly looking for a gift with no idea what to buy. Then I thought fuck it, and headed to a shirt shop to get a French cuff shirt. It wasn’t as simple as I thought. First of all, the said friend wears only dark colours. Go to Brooks Brothers or Raoul or any shirt shop and they’ll tell you they don’t have dark coloured cuff shirts. I managed to get one at the fifth shop. Striped? Plain? Brown stripes? Gray stripes? Size? How the fuck do I know? I made the salesman stand there with me eyeing men walking by. When I saw someone approximately the same size, I pointed, and that’s how we estimated the size. Next – cuff links. And not just any cuff links but it had to be unique because Pisceans like to think they’re unique and special. Only at the 3rd shop did I find …*drumroll* Autobots (from Transformers) cuff links. Men don’t grow up. Shopping time – 3 hours. Brain cells used up – millions. It’s really not easy to shop for men. Cooking I think cooking shows are stupid. You can’t even smell or taste the food. So when the chef tastes his own cooking and does the obligatory hmmmm delicious, you have to wonder, if it tastes like shit, would he tell you it tastes like shit? Especially that Nigella. As she gazes seductively into the camera and moans after she tastes her cooking, wahlau, I feel violated and that I ought to cover ears in shame. Ya that’s all. Flowers People have always asked me what my favourite flowers are, and I have never told anyone cos nobody had sent them to me before but now I can. Sunflowers. They’re not the classiest of flowers, but they’re simple, bright and pretty and I love them to bits. Roar Freaking hate it when people use: 1) Regarding about 2) Discussing about 3) Oggle/Oogle instead of ogle 4) Whinning instead of whining GET IT RIGHT YOU MORONS. Losing Myself Is My Biggest Fear I am afraid of many things, but most of all, I am afraid that one day, I will no longer be my own person. Like when the achievements I boast about are no longer my own. For example, my boyfriend/husband just got promoted. My baby just took her first step. My kid just got into the best primary school in Singapore, JB, and some say Batam. You know, shit like that. Like if I get attached to someone, the kind where I am attached at the hip, and I am no longer able to have a life of my own, and I lose my ability to have an opinion of my own, that’s scary shit. If one day you ask me something simple, and I say, erm let me ask my partner, please slap me! Or if you ask me out for drinks, and I say, oh let me check if my partner is free, then I am telling you now to not bother to ask me out again. You know, shit like that. PMS Shit FF says: *DUMPLINGS *FREAKING BEIJING DUMPLINGS S says: *ok, so u prefer non-chinese stuff FF says: *I WANT DUMPLINGS *DUMPLINGS S says: *erm, lets not *i’ll take you to 1949 FF says: *YOU DON”T CARE ABOUT WHAT I WANT S says: *nice ambience FF says: *I WANT BEEF BRISKET CURRY St says: *STFU FF says: *ALL THOSE FUNNY CHINESE FOOD *I WANT IT ALL S says: *aha *how about go to a mom and pop northeast restaurant *its cheap and wholesome FF says: *I WANT FREAKING DUMPLINGS Sadness Everybody has an iPhone but me. The next person who asks eh all of us have iPhones, when’s your turn? will get punched in the nose. Weddings I was reading the Singapore Brides forum about angpao during wedding banquets, and I felt disgusted. I don’t like Chinese wedding banquets. People always say it’s for the parents and not the couple, because the couple probably doesn’t know half the people present at the banquet. But that’s beside the point. What disgusted me was their bitching about how some couples gave so little angpao, and don’t they know the market rate for angpao? Some even went as far as saying, oh you shouldn’t invite the [insert different races here] because they will give less. And oh, some people ah, come as couple and give so little somemore dare write their name on the angpao. Some even bitched about making losses during their wedding. Since when did weddings become so business like? What happened to the whole gist of a wedding? Did it get lost between the angpao giving and the raucous yum sengs? I mean, fair enough that we have traditions and customs we have to uphold here, it’s just the attitude of the people that irks me. I just hate the idea that you expect other people to pay exactly the market rate or more for your grand wedding otherwise you bitch about them cos this kind of attitude really spoils the whole meaning of a wedding. A union of two souls, hello? Maybe I just sour grapes cos I got no wedding. :( Fussy Yesterday, my colleague was talking about my love life, or lack thereof when she said that I was too fussy when it came to men. No way, I said thinking of all the ugly fat poor men I’ve dated. Then she said she was gonna set me up with someone and she called up her sister who happens to have a male friend who’s single. I then quickly scribbled on a post it note the six star signs I do not date and shoved it to her. Is that called fussy? Doing Your Thang When a woman says something, you could analyse it for hours just trying to read between the lines. When a man says something, it’s usually exactly what it is, or even less complicated than one might think. Sometimes, it’s so easy to understand men that the simplicity of it all is too hard for me to grasp. Like if a man stops calling after consistently calling for weeks, what would a woman think? He likes me too much he’s taking a breather to sort out his feelings? He is playing hard to get cos he thinks he calls me too much? He’s waiting for me to make the next move? He doesn’t love me anymore? He loves me too much? WRONG! Men are not such complicated creatures! Most of them are not wired or intelligent enough to play these games! Men just sometimes need their own time to do their thang. He could just be engrossed in finishing his stupid PS3 games or playing magic cards or whatever stupid men do. Therein lies the problem. When there’s a break from routine, a woman goes mad trying to figure it out. Then! The man comes back after a few days and continues where he left off, but the equilibrium has been broken. The doubts have started setting in. The man is puzzled why the woman seems pissed. I was just busy doing my thang, he says. A big fight ensues. Moral of the story? You cannot just do your thang! When there’s a break from routine, there had better be a better explanation than you just doing your goddamn thang. Epiphany Okay I think I get it. Prontip showed me a picture of myself from 10 years ago, and I balked because there I was with rebonded dyed hair, dark red lipstick, I was skinny, wearing a skanky top and hipster pants with a belt slung low on the waist, and braces. I was the ultimate ah lian. And I remember the night the picture was taken. I was home for my semester break at NUS, and planned to party the night away. That night itself, I remember so many guys hit on me. Okay, maybe not many. Three at least. Those were the days! But the fact is, I now know why no such thing happens anymore. Because I cleaned up my act, gained 10 pounds, dress like an auntie and I no longer dye my hair. Time to hit the salon, the gym and the ah lian shops at Far East Plaza. Going Home I’ve never been a traditional Chinese, so CNY is actually merely a family obligation to me. I’d much rather be off to Bangkok or some foreign city for a long weekend of partying, but what’s a Chinese girl to do? I think I am way too old to be sitting around waiting for relatives to hand me hongbaos, and me having to grit my teeth at the endless questions of my singlehood. Even my (once) baby cousins all have girlfriends. But the good news is, I take your money in return for your stupid questions. And the reunion dinner. Groan. It is always steamboat and mum and I will look on in horror as the relatives happily lick their chopsticks and stick them back into the steamboat. Theoretically speaking, the bacteria dies from the boiling soup, but still…. On that note, I’d like to wish all of you GONG XI FA CAI! Oh, and a happy Valentine’s Day. Origami We had some origami fun today at the office. The origami production line where we cut and folded the hongbao packets and stapled them together. The end result. Kinda nice exploring our creative side, given we are an engineering based company. :) Why I Like To Work Overtime The view from my window during sunset is just so gorgeous. I Got So Drunk That Day…. I pulled a prostitute over and introduced himher to my colleague. I started speaking in Malay and forgot the words and everybody laughed at me I guffawed sooooo loudly when Kumar started talking about small dicks I made people smell my armpits. Again. I spewed my Hog’s Breath steak out in half digested chunky black bits I got introduced to some guy and the first thing I asked him was “Are you single?” [Like, oh. My. God.] +++ But seriously, binge drinking certainly can’t be good for the liver, or beer gut. Gonna be my new resolution. 3 beers max a night. So Said The Beer Monsta I have a standing order with an overseas colleague for a 3 pack of Hoegaarden every time he comes to Singapore. He messaged me this today: *hey i fucked up because i was half asleep *i bought heineken *it was green *shit *i am so stupid BEER IS BEER! DOESN’T MATTER WHAT BRAND! I guzzle any brand of beer. My favourites are Tiger for that fuzzy kick in the tummy, Hoegaarden for a more mellow buzz, Heineken for the walk in closet screaming buzz and Carlsberg if it’s on tap cos it’s refreshing, Chang when I’m in Thailand, Bintang when I’m in Indonesia, Tsingdao when I’m in China, local German dark beers when I’m in Germany, Kronenbourg when I’m feeling womanly, Anchor when I buy a six pack at home, Asahi when I’m at a Japanese restaurant, the list goes on. I love my beer. Hmmm… Boss says I should really think twice before hiring an older male friend to be my subordinate. Much less someone I’ve been on dates with before. Weakling It was six months ago that I was reading a website dedicated to animal cruelty. It was at that moment I decided to stop eating animal meat cos every time I bit into a piece of chicken or beef, this overwhelming feeling of guilt would wash over me. For six months it was fish, seafood, lots of veggies and tofu. Think of the poor chickens and pigs, I told myself. Anyway, after some brainwashing by so many people of how I would regret it on my deathbed knowing my love of good steaks, I said fine, I’ll have a steak, I’ll eat meat once a week, and no more, I went to Hog’s Breath yesterday. I looked through the menu and decided to order fish and chips cos I couldn’t bring myself to order a piece of cow. Unfortunately, I was weak, and after much cajoling by the colleagues, I caved and ordered a huge juicy steak. Aussie size somemore. I felt so incredibly guilty… at how good it tasted. And how it melted in my mouth. And how the gravy complemented the steak so well. I really feel like a farce. I am so fucking sorry, cows. Toys I have to say there’s only 1 battery operated toy that I bring to bed with me now every night – my iPod Touch, the new love of my life. I met Yv for drinks and we both just sat there trying to beat each other’s scores in Bejewelled. I have missed train stops and bus stops and over shot just because I was too busy playing to notice it was time to hop off. I play while I’m walking on the streets. I play while eating. I play before I sleep. I play one game of mahjong when I wake up. I play on dates. I play on the toilet. If I did have a sex life, I’d probably play while being banged. Eh, please keep the thrusting at a slower speed you asshole, I just missed a potential hypercube. Brink of Death I nearly got knocked down by a huge truck today. I was standing at the side of the road chatting with a colleague on the phone, cursing one of my projects when suddenly I saw a cab on the opposite side and waved it down. The cab stopped for me, and I turned to my right to check whether there were any oncoming cars, but I forgot to check on the left. As I ran over, the cab driver wound down his window and yelled at me to watch out. I turned to my left and oh, my, god… a truck screeched to a halt about 1 inch from me. If I kena langgar and died, it would be quite sad really. I can already see the headlines lonely workaholic spinster died after a meeting enroute to office. Always full of love because she could not find a recipient to give some to. Anyhow, the cab driver was so apologetic for putting me in danger, but it was all my fault. I am simply unable to multitask. Shunu I was grumbling to S today about men and mixed signals and shit. Then he asked me one simple question. Are you smarter than him? Apparently, men don’t really like smart women cos it makes them feel inferior. Men don’t want partners. They want women to be their biggest fans cum whore/slut/psychiatrist/cheerleader. Really meh? S says it’s time I start acting shunu. Gotta go practise shyly lowering my eyelashes. Toodles! Looking Out The view from my desk is pretty awesome. I look at at this everyday and pretend I’m in Europe, overlooking the countryside. :) Cheese and Crackers Updated Fuck facebook and all those people I haven’t kept in touch with for years, a decade even, who message me saying they’re in town, and want to meet up to catch up with me. There is a reason I have not kept in touch, cos I have no interest whatsoever in knowing about the happenings in your life and probably vice versa, but you must be bored in a foreign land, looking for people to fill your time. Yes we crossed paths once upon a time, but who cares anymore? Do we meet up and reminisce about a time long ago? Yawn. I have better things to do with my life like Bejeweled and CSI. In other extremely interesting news, I can’t stop eating cheese and crackers. Nothing too atas, just Jacob crackers and sliced cheese. And in other less interesting news, I really really hate men who, when they do something wrong, apologise freely while saying things like, oh, I’m so stupid, I’m really sorry, I’m such a dumbass, so sorry. You think we’re so stupid to fall for that whole I am so stupid line over and over again? You think our hearts will soften when you admit stupidity? Soft can only go so soft lor. +++ Okay, I concede. I’m as soft as a flaccid penis now. Goes to show actions speak louder than words. Who would have figured me for a sunflower kinda girl? :)