Annals of the Dragon King (Jul 2005) By LITTLEREDDOT, the Godfather of Satire from The Sammyboys MONEY FOR NOTHING AND THE PERKS FOR FREE 10 July 2005 (Sunday) Sunday night, and the whole familee was watching the Cancer Show on TV. It was organized by the Peasantland Lampar & Kukucheow Foundation (“LKF”), a foundation set up to restore the testicles and penises of peasants. Given the number of eunuchs in my court alone, that is a lot of cosmetic surgery that we are talking about. The familee was busy making calls on their mobile phones to the LKF donation lines. My bookie Ah Long tipped me that the odds of winning the top prize was better than that of the PeasantLand Sweep, 4D and Toto. No one in the familee knew how to calculate probabilities (not even me, with a First Class Honours in Mathematices), so we all took Ah Long’s word for it. Being the smart emperor that I am, I know how to surround myself with intelligent and trusted eunuchs on whom I can rely for advice and wisdom. The evening was interrupted by State Counsel Darthvader Singh. He arrived in all black: turban, shirt, pants and knee-high boots. He even carried a light saber. If looks could kill… Darthvader tried to dispel the notion that lawyers have no sense of humour by cracking a joke. “Loong, I am your father.” That was lame. “And I am Yoda” I replied. Darthvader Singh came to consult me on the court case tomorrow. The LKF CEO Thambirajah Tharmadurai (or better known as T2 Durian) is suing the State Time for libel. Who do I want to win? Darthvader Singh is using a tried-and-test tactic of the MIW: character assassination of the opponent. He is planning to spill the dirt on T2 Durian: a glass panelled shower, a pricey German toilet bowl and a gold plated tap, first-class travel, a $25,000 monthly salary, a bonus of 12 months, undisclosed directorships in companies, some of whom had business dealings with LKF. His road tax and car maintenance were also paid for by the company. T2 Durian also over-stated the number of patients LKF had. And despite reserves of $262 million, T2 Durian claimed that this can last LKF for only three years. That is very good investigative work, I praised Darthvader Singh. Darthvader Singh said he had a lot of help from his ex-intelligence officer friends at State Times who have dossiers on every peasant. He assured me that there is no conflict of interest in having the defendant help prepare the case. I took his word for it. After all, Darthvader is one of the intelligent and trusted enunchs which the familee surrounds itself with. But I pointed out to Darthvader Singh that what T2 Durian did was normal business practice among my MIWs. Such perks and privileges come with the position: extra fish-ball, extra-large discount on property, free air-fare to and from oversea hospital, offer of company directorships etc. And don’t my mini-stars get free cars too? And T2 Durian’s salary pales in comparison with my mini-stars who get paid a million dollars for doing nothing. And as for exaggerating figures, who doesn’t tell a white lie or two? I should know: it is hard to be accurate about reserves, unemployment, economic growth, the number of foreign talent in the country etc. On the basis of such flimsy evidence, I told Darthvader Singh that it is not going to be easy for him to win the case. I decided that a draw would be the best outcome. The peasants get a sensational case to distract them from the daily grind of their lowly existence. With election coming, I also need a fall guy to showcase my whiter-than-white regime’s stand against corruption. Hehe, if the peasants know better, they would think that there is a conspiracy. Damn, I am so smart that I frighten myself sometimes. Picked up the phone and instructed T2 Durian to end the wayang show after two days. Made a call next to Gandalf Tony and told him the bad news: I have decided to give Prata Nathan another term as President. However, I know of a vacancy coming up which could be suitable for you. It is only a five-figure salary but, with bonuses, you can still earn a million dollars. You get free perks like attending charity shows and meeting artistes and celebrities; free upgrades from business class to first-class when you fly; gold-plated taps etc. And certain medical benefits are free. Damn, didn’t I say that I am so smart that it is frightening? But even the smart person that I am did not anticipate Gandalf Tony’s response: “You are kidding me.” FREE MAMMOGRAM!!! ANNOUNCEMENT FROM HAIRDO LIM: I know I might have hurt some of you ladies by asking you all to skip a hairdo to do a mammogram. I am sorry for what I had said because hairdos are very important. This is especially so because, soon, Singapore’s women will need to ‘entertain’ all the male (not to mention, loaded) visitors of the Integrated Resort. The Gahmen is not without a kind heart. We TAKE CARE of all of you. So, that is why my colleague, Mr Rwanda Cow and I went all out to source for the right Foreign Talent to come to Singapore to give all of you ladies FREE MAMMOGRAMS. No worries. It is absolutely free. Just go to the car park of S.G.H. Our Foreign Talent will be there with his apparatus to give the BEST and FREE MAMMOGRAMS. Annals of the Dragon King (Jun 2005) By LITTLEREDDOT, the Godfather of Satire from The Sammyboys ALL THE PRESIDENT’S MEN 23 June 2005 (Thursday) Prata Nathan’s time is up. About time too! The whole Istana is beginning to smell like Serangoon Road on Sunday. Some more, I have heard complaints from the maids about his Prata-sutra moves on them: pinch them, roll them, flip them, stretch them fully and slap them. I sat down with father to review the Presidential candidates. The Presidential Elections Committee was present. The Chairman made coffee, and another member got the snacks. Damn, prata – again! The other two just sat around and talked cock and sang song. The first candidate was retired civil servant Ngiam Yong Dow Foo. He was also chairman of some Damn Big companies: HermesDB, ErmenegildoDB and DBSalvatore. Now I know why these companies have been screwing up all these years. Trust a civil servant to ruin them. He should have been sent to DB (Detention Barracks.) I should have put in retired army generals instead. They will accomplish the task (ruin the companies, that is) in a faster time. Still, Ngiam Yong Dow Foo has been an obedient dog, and that vindicates all his crimes. Since he retired, he has been groomed to be the next President. NYDF has been making the rounds in the after-dinner talk-cock circuit. To mask his Presidential ambitions and to show some semblance of being an even-handed person, NYDF has been gently chiding the past economic policies of the government. Plan A Phase 1 was executed to perfection. But then NYDF began to get too big for the shoes I gave him, and in Phase 2 made the fatal mistake of criticizing dear wife’s Temasek-shimaya and my Finance Ministry. I put a big red cross on his Certificate of Eligibility. Next candidate was white-haired Gandalf Tony. He has the right credentials: he has been a deputy Prime Mini-star and has been in senior mis-management in a big corporation. He is also docile, a bit blur, obedient and loyal, all the qualities I need for a puppet. But I need a President with a more hip image to reach out to the new young Generation Y. Would Gandalf Tony consider dying his hair black and getting a perm like Phua Chu Kang? Gandalf’s last remaining strands of black hair turned white with shock and dismay. Okay, okay, you don’t have to over-react, I told Gandalf. I will wait till all your hairs turn white before I consider you for President. What about Phua Chu Kang himself? He would be a good choice as the heartlanders can identify with him. Besides, Temasek-shimaya would make a lot of money selling yellow boots and salon perms. My only condition is that, to boost his popularity, PCK’s screen-life spouse Rosie be the First Lady. That did not go down well with Gurmit’s real-life wife. Damn. We also considered Chief Injustice Yong Pung Sai. But we ruled him out as he posed a big risk to his staff. I can imagine him sending his staff to the Institute of Mental Health just because he got up on the wrong side of bed or did not have a good breakfast. Even worse, he may force them to pay for his stock market losses. The last candidate was Wimpy Yeo, Chairman of Ass*Stuck. He is a macho man who stands no whining. I can imagine Wimpy hiring only elite scholars at the Istana: young A-level girls at 19 years old and foreign talents. As Wimpy does not tolerate bond-breakers, all of them will be bonded. And probably bound and gagged as well. Very kinky. I began to drool at the prospects of invitations to dinner at the Istana in the presence of nubile and clever maidens. But I ruled him out. I cannot have a puppet who is too smart. Who knows, this smart eunuch may one day usurp me. Besides, I was also jealous of his harem. There were no more candidates left. How about Father? “It’s too soon for me. Peasants may think I am power hungry. I am still young, so I will take my time. Maybe I will consider being President two elections from now,” Father said as he injected himself with a serum from his stem culture. And so, in the absence of suitable candidates, a wayang was played out. Prata Nathan declared that he would like to step down. However, Woody Goh said that the prata man is still the best person and should consider running for another term. Prata Nathan conveniently left the country on holiday when nominations for the President elections opened. The media could not carry any news about his intentions and the peasants were all left clueless. Who says there is no meritocracy in Peasantland? Even a humble prata man can make it to the top. And stay there. Where are the HDB’s Subsidies??!!! In his letter ‘Resale flats out of reach’ (TODAY Jan 17), Mr Anthony Tan highlighted the problems faced by many first-time HDB flat-buyers. This letter was not published of course. Here’s that letter below showing how he traced the root cause behind their dilemma. As a 60-year old educated Senior Citizen, I surf the Internet regularly to gauge the true concerns of young Singaporeans, who are mostly hesitant to speak up openly. I empathise with their growing despair on home ownership. Many are resigned that private flats are now way beyond their reach. All they simply want is a basic no-frills inexpensive flat — with enough money left to decorate it to their own personal taste into a cosy home! However, even with HDB flats, they are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea — either wait 4 years for ‘expensive’ new flats or else pay ’sky-high’ prices for resale flats. They are rightly concerned that a $1 million HDB resale flat may not be that far-fetched. One worry is that, despite such high prices, few buyers will feel the pinch immediately because up to 90% of the cost can be financed by long-term home loans stretching up to 30 years. So many seldom give a second thought that if they borrow, say, $300,000 under a 30-year loan, they could ultimately cough up nearly $600,000 in total capital and interest repayments. Another worry: If a young couple have to sink so much of their hard-earned income and CPF savings into their brick-and-cement flat, how much monies will there be left to raise a family and sent their children to university — not to mention providing for their own healthcare and retirement needs in their golden years? In the 1970s, the starting graduate salary was $1000 per month. Then, in the HDB Marine Parade Estate, prices of new 5-rm, 4-rm and 3-rm flats were $35,000, $20,000 and $17,000 respectively. In 1990, average price of new 5-rm flats was $70,000. Such prices then reflected a ‘cost-based pricing approach’. Now, starting graduate salary is 3 times higher at $3,000 per month but prices of similar HDB new flats have gone up by 10 times to 30 times. The massive price hikes were largely the result of the HDB switching over to a ‘market-based pricing approach’. Since 2002, many have queried the HDB in newspaper forums on how its new flats are actually priced. Last December, the HDB finally confirmed that ‘the prices of new HDB flats are based on the market prices of resale HDB flats, and not their costs of construction.’ This is a simple-to-understand example using data from 2000, when 5-rm new flats were priced upwards of $200,000. However, from actual tendered contracts of HDB Building Contractors, the Construction Cost per flat was about $50,000. Adding on an estimated $70,000 for Land Cost & Other Related Costs, the Total Break even Cost per flat was about $120,000 — which HDB should set as the selling price, since it is supposed to be a not-for-profit, low-cost public housing developer. But, under the market-based pricing approach, HDB will first look at the then prevailing market price of, say $260,000 of a 5-rm resale flat. It will then pick a lower figure of, say $200,000 as the selling price for the 5-rm new flat — never mind if its actual Total Breakeven Cost was only $120,000. The HDB can then say the new flat buyer is getting a ‘market subsidy’ of $60,000 arising from the difference between the resale flat price and new flat price. Notice, under such an approach, there is absolutely no ‘cash subsidy’ granted at all to the new flat buyer. Instead, the HDB is actually collecting a profit of $80,000 per flat (representing a 67% profit margin). In contrast, private developers normally earn around 20% profit margin for assuming business risks. Most importantly, this HDB market-based pricing approach had resulted in new flat prices and resale flat prices chasing each other in an upward spiral —- that is financially disadvantageous to buyers of both new and resale flats. Should HDB deem the above example as simplistic or misleading, the onus lies with it to rebut and substantiate with its own detailed data. HDB should also provide its public response to this remaining burning question — Why is the HDB not really helping first-time buyers of new flats by passing on to them the substantial cost-savings from economies-of-scale in massive HDB developments through pricing new flats on a ‘cost-based break-even’ approach? We have also since moved from small ‘pigeon-holes’ to tiny ‘bee-hives’ — extremely costly beehives, to be precise! HDB new flats are now built smaller, closer and at higher price. The HDB itself had stopped building the larger 1200 sq ft 5-room and 1400 sq ft Executive flats. Current prices of 1000 sq ft 4-rm HDB new flats range from $200,000 (in Senkang) to $400,000 (in Telok Blangah) and up to the whopping $590,000 (in Boon Keng, under Design, Build and Sell Scheme by private developer). Our politicians constantly exhort Singaporeans to treat Singapore as ‘home’ literally and figuratively. To help solve our Procreation Problem, young couples are also reminded not to delay marriage and have three or more children. Pray tell us how do you squeeze two parents, three children, one maid and possibly one or two elderly in-laws in a 1000 sq ft ‘bee-hive’? When young, educated and mobile Singaporeans are short-changed on such basic ‘quality of life’ aspirations as a truly-affordable and decent-size home for their loved ones, is it any wonder many are contemplating to be ‘quitters’ rather than ’stayers’? (the above article was posted by Sis Lamei from The Sammyboys) Annals of the Dragon King (May 2005) By LITTLEREDDOT, the Godfather of Satire from The Sammyboys SPY FOR A GUY 25 May 2005 (Wednesday) My mysterious caller rang at midnight. It was my secret spy in Istanbul, passing last-minute tips on the big match: the Champions League final between Milan and Liverpool. “Milan is going to kelong. Buy Milan 3-ball up at half-time, buy draw at full-time, buy Liverpool to win on penalty kicks,” the spy whispered. It was the craziest tip I ever heard. But the reliable ISD alerted me that spy was a double-crosser. “Oh sure. Thank you. You are reliable as usual.” I hung up and straightway called my bookie Ah Long. “Put $50,000 on Milan to win by 3-balls at full-time.” I felt very smug. No one outwits me and my ISD. The phone rang again. It was our mole in Beijing. Our undercover spy Chee Cheong Fun was arrested in Hong Kong on charges of spying! Damn! First there were problems with Taiwan, then Japan, and now China. I’m becoming as good at diplomacy as Papa. Even worse, the mole was operating under the guise of a correspondent with the State’s Times. And Chee Cheong Fun carried with him a list of all the undercover spies and moles of the MIW! If that list falls into the wrong hands, all my spies and moles will be exposed and their miserable lives will be in danger. I had to make sure my top agents were still alive. Called Agent White Rose, who also worked at State’s Times, and sang the password: “Mei guei, mei guei, wo ai ni.” (”Rose, rose, I love you.”) Thank goodness, Chua Lee Loong was still alive. Called Agent Black Rose next. Chua Mui Loong answered. Codeword? Deep Throat. I breathed a sign of relief. My two favourite secret agents were alright. Time to find out how the other moles are doing. Called secret number 6235 3535. “Pizza Hut delivery”, said the voice at the other end. “Pizza my foot! Get me The Delivery Man!” Damn, they told me The Delivery Man was killed when speeding on his way to deliver pizza to Bedok. I knew that was a staged accident. The enemies had got the pizza man. Called 1800 222 5777. “SingPost Speedpost.” Get me The Postman! But I was told “the Postman” was killed when his bike collided with a pizza delivery bike in Bedok! Called the Emergency ward of SGH. Get me The Doctor! “What’s the password,” the voice at the other end of the line asked. “Cock and hen,” I replied. Dr. NE Hen is alright, although he said he thought he saw some white anthrax powder in his coffee. Called the Mission Impossible hair salon and asked for “Agent Ethan Hunt”. Thankfully, Hairdo Lim was still alive and asked for the password: “Handsome”. Finally called secret agent “007 James Bond”. Agent Ms. Moneypenny answered, but she was gasping and groaning. “Now is not the time for secret agents to have secret affairs,” I chided dear wife. “Can I speak to the man who is under your thighs?” I also asked for the password. The man answered in a voice muffled by the thighs of Moneypenny: “Prata kosong kosong tujuh” (Malay for “Prata 007″). Thank god President Naden is alright (but he sure is suffering a fate worse than death right now). I leaned back. My top agents are all safe. Now it is time to destroy any leakage. I called White Rose and Black Rose and gave them their assignment: go to China, track down Chee Cheong Fun, recover the secret list, and kill him. And, of course, they will go under the guise of journalists from State’s Times. This is such a fail-safe disguise that no one will see through. Annals of the Dragon King (Apr 2005) By LITTLEREDDOT, the Godfather of Satire from The Sammyboys THE BEST BET 8 April 2005 (Friday) The Cabinet meet to decide on the casino. The decision to have the casino has already been made by the familee a year ago. Today is to decide whether to have one or two. We decided that, in order to make an informed decision, we have to ‘walk the talk’ and have a mini-casino at my house. Woody Goh came with his cards. With his expressionless face, poker is his specialty. White-haired Deputy Mini-star Gandalf Tony came with his backgammon board. It’s such an old game that none of the younger Mini-stars could play with him. Father brought out his dominoes. Laborious Mini-star Lim Boo Hoo brought a roulette set. Karaoke Wong brought his Monopoly set. We sent him to the kitchen to play with the maids. Uneducated Mini-star Thar1 Man4 Shan1 Mu4 Ge3 Ra1 Nam2 brought his cards and said: “Let’s play backside!” Straightaway every Mini-star used their hands to cover their arseholes. Except for dear wife. She stood up instantly, dropped her pants (she wears the pants around the house) and bent over. It’s blackjack, not backside, I corrected Thar1 Man4. “Who wants to play strip poker?,” Dear Wife asked. Everyone looked away. We settled on poker. To cut a long story short, among the last men standing were Woody Goh who, with his poker-face, was able to fool everyone. Dear wife was also there by virtue of her unlimited spending power. At one point she was down by a few hundred million dollars but she made just one phone call and that loss was absorbed by Temasek-shimaya. Father was still in the game; he had his banker, Deputy Finance Mini-star Hairdo Lim, standing beside him. I glanced at Hairdo Lim’s calculator: the foreign reserves of Peasantland had dwindled by $1 billion. That write-off was approved on the spot by the Finance Mini-star, who happens to be me. Thar1 Man4 was good at playing backside (sorry, blackjack) but lousy at poker. He had been wiped out long ago and was last seen trying to sell his backside at Geylang. In the kitchen Karaoke Wong was winning at Monopoly over my maids. They had no money to pay him. Karaoke Wong said he will take them out for supper and karaoke at Joo Chiat. Damn, short arses have all the luck. Hey, one of them that Karaoke Wong is taking out is not the maid; that’s mother! We reached the final game and we decided to play ‘double or nothing.’ The winner will decide how many casinos Peasantland will have. The stakes piled up. The foreign reserves, the entire investment portfolio of Temasek-shimaya, and the retirement monies of the Peasantland Provident Fund were on the table. When the final card was dealt, it was time to ’show hand’. Raymond Roulette Lim (or RR Lim) only had a high card and he said “one casino”. Vivian Balakissmyass had a pair, and he said “two casinos”. Mother had two pairs and she said “two casinos each in two locations”. Deputy Prime Mini-star Yaya Koomar had Three Of A Kind and he said “three casinos”. Gandalf Tony put down his cards and said, “I’m straight”. We looked at him. Was he ever gay? Father shouted “Fuck!” Straightaway all the Mini-stars dropped their pants and assumed the bent-over position. It was a reflex conditioning that they have in-built all these years. I took at look at father’s cards. It is flush, not fuck, I corrected him. Father wanted five casinos. Lim Boo Hoo had a Full House and he wanted a casino in every constituency, to be run by the NTUC. Damn, I better show a winning hand if I want to run things my way in Peasantland. I slipped the ace I had hidden up the sleeve into my deck of cards. But I fumbled and the card dropped onto the table. Everyone pretended not to see it, and also not see that there were five aces on the table. I said I had Four Of A Kind and I want four casinos, one for father, one for mother, one for me, and one for dear wife. Then Woody Goh said with a poker-face: “A straight fuck for me”. How else does he fuck? Bent over? It is a Straight Flush for Woody and he wanted no casino! Damn, looks like Woody is going to ruin the familee’s plan. Then dear wife jumped in and said: “I’ve got a royal fuck!” My cheeks flushed red. Firstly, it is so embarrassing for dear wife to talk about our sex life in front of everyone. Secondly, she is telling a lie as she has not had one from me for ages. She’s a Desperate Housewife for sure. Then I realized that she has got a Royal Flush. Dear wife wanted two casinos, both for Temasek-shimaya group of companies: Raffles Holdings, Capitaland, Keppel etc. I guess I owe her a royal fuck tonight for enriching the familee. The peasants will never know how much I have to sacrifice in order to give them 35,000 jobs. And so a week later, on 18 April, it was “Show Hand!” day, the day I announce the decision on casinos. For one year, the spin doctors have been bluffing the peasants into thinking that the MIW was open to feedback. The best bluffers were Vivian Balakissmyass and Raymond Roulette Lim. They were truly Acting Mini-stars, they kept a poker face while they spun their stories. For their great contribution to nation-building (or should it be nation-bluffing?), I promoted them to full Mini-stars and gave them each a million dollar salary. Bingo! They hit the jackpot, so to speak. Lim Boo Hoo used a different tactic. Tears welled up in his eyes and his voice choked as he told the story of how he said yes to the casino because 50,000 broken families were at stake. Did that sound right? I think he meant 35,000 jobs were at stake. Drama King Lim wins the local version of the Oscar for his performance: not the Oscar, but the Sarcar (’asskissing’). Annals of the Dragon King (Jan 2005) By LITTLEREDDOT, the Godfather of Satire from The Sammyboys THE EMPEROR’S NEW G-STRING Part 1 – The Arrival of the Foreign Talent 1 January 2005 (Saturday) It is a brand new year and time for some new clothes. And a new name for my Principal Secretary Cary Ball. This foreign talent got his citizenship and adopted a local name Cary Lam Par. Cary Lam Par summoned the best tailors in Peasantland to show their wares to me. Some of them had made clothes for father, the pioneer MIWs and kings, sultans, princesses, datuks, presidents and prime ministers from the region. And their prices were competitive. In fact, they were prepared to (or were ‘persuaded’ by Cary Lam Par to) give me a discount, just as our property developer had given familee and I discounts on our prime district residential apartment purchases. I looked at their faces and saw orange, brown and black faces. I looked at their resumes and they were all citizens, born in Peasantland. There was no need to look at their wares. Local talents are not good enough, I declared. They don’t have international experience and expertise. And since they are so cheap, they must be no good. The ICA (Immigration and Customs Authority) came to the rescue. They brought in a batch of new Permanent Residents. They had white faces and spoke with lovely accents. They were overseas trained and it showed in their prices: at least three times that of the local tailors’. Since their clothes were expensive, their quality must be good. I was almost through my shopping (ordering $20,000 worth of tailored clothes in one hour) when I came to the last two foreign talents. They had no wares with them but the samples can be viewed online at www.noclothes.com. Noclothes is pronounced as Noe-cloe-they. Hmm…that sounds like a very classy French brand. Must be good. Went to the website but saw nothing. Rubbed my eyes but still saw nothing although there were prices listed: US$1,000, US$5,000, US$10,000 etc. One of the FT, Cokane Snorter, said that Noclothes make such beautiful clothes that it can only be seen by very intelligent people; like people with first-class honours mathematics from Cambridge. The other FT, Spigee Bonker, pointed out the items on display: a tuxedo, a suit, a casual suit, overcoat, jacket, shirt, pants, shorts, shoes etc. He pointed out that the red jacket would look especially good on me. I like these guys. They sure sound very intellectual and know what they are talking about. But I still have trouble seeing the clothes. Damn, I better go for an eye check-up soon. “Well, what do you think?” I ask Cary Lam Par. CLP was squinting at the screen. He broke into cold sweat and a silly grin. “Beauteefooo….! Beauteefooo!” he forced the words out from his mouth. I am always reassured by a second opinion from my Principal Secretary. I put in orders worth $100,000. The money was deducted upfront via internet credit card payment. I am really impressed with these French tailors. They have incorporated IT into their old-economy business. Why can’t the peasant tailors do the same? Cokane Snorter said that they will take three months to make and deliver the clothes. In the meantime they must not be disturbed. To be continued… :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: THE EMPEROR’S NEW G-STRING Part 2 – The Familee Gets Charitable Continued… By dinner time, the two foreign talents had become renowned simply because I opened my mouth and sang their praises. The familee also wanted to meet them and so Cokane Snorter and Spigee Bonker were invited to dinner. That meant turning away Prata Nathan who was the original guest. Principal Secretary Cary Lam Par explained to Nathan that the familee was busy with the tsunami rescue work and had to cancel dinner. Told Nathan to dine alone at the Jalan Kayu roti prata stall. Nathan offered to tar pau (’pack’) supper for us but we declined. Nathan assured us that, contrary to rumours, the prata chef does wash his hands after visiting the toilet. I told Nathan I was not worried about the prata chef, but there were reports that the Istana toilet flush in the master bathroom has not been used since President Ong’s tenure. Dinner was the best money could buy. Father was anxious that the foreign talents feel at home, and so the best French cuisine was prepared: wine, champagne, baguette, croissant, cheese, pate, cavier, foie gras, truffles, escargots, cuisses de grenouilles (frogs’ legs), coq au vin (hen simmered in wine), lamb cooked with herbs, pigeon, fish, quiche, crème brûlée, crêpes, chocolate mousse, mille-feuilles,etc. It was a working dinner as I had to constantly field calls from my MIW and my military eunuchs about the relief work in Bungle Aceh. A television was set up in the dining room for that purpose. As the familee ate dinner, they watched images of starving peasants grabbing for air-dropped food. Tsk, tsk, these peasants have no table manners, mother remarked. And they don’t even wash their hands before they eat. If they have got no rice, can’t they eat cake instead? It was dear wife Marie Antoinette Ho trying to be helpful. Didn’t our army set up field camps to cook the renowned tasty, delicious, nutritious cookhouse food for the foreign peasants, father wanted to know? We did, I replied, but the foreign peasants would rather go hungry than eat our army chow. The talk shifted to how the familee has been asked to contribute to the tsunami disaster fund. My progeny Hong Kang boasted that he asked (or rather, ordered) his school principal to start a collection in school with a mention that the initiative came from Hong Kang. And how much was collected, I asked? It is not in the national interests to disclose the figures, Hong Kang replied. Damn, he is beginning to sound like father and I. The other progeny Hao Lian boasted that he organized a charity car wash. He originally wanted to do it on a small scale and rope in his classmates. However the school principal heard about it and soon the entire school (students and teachers) had ‘volunteered’ to participate. Hao Lian lamented that the students and teachers were the ones having the fun washing the cars in the blazing hot sun while he had the thankless chore of sitting in the shade and collecting the takings. And, of course, he will not disclose the takings as it is not in the national interest. Father said he and Woody Goh had just struck a $500,000 windfall and will be making a $50 donation. But first he must wait to receive his share of the money from Chee SJ. Mother said her law firm contributed $1 for every conveyancing work they got from the Peasantland Housing Board. She was at great pains to point out that even though her firm had raised the conveyancing fees by $10 it was not sufficient to cover the administrative expenses of such a fund-raising program. Dear wife said the best way to get our neighbouring country back on its feet is to make investments there and create jobs. She plans to go on a massive shopping spree with her purchasing managers from Temasekshimaya. The shopping list includes an insolvent bank here, a busted airline there, a loss-making steel mill somewhere, etc. Not to be outdone, I said I had made ten donations in a single day. The familee and the foreign talent guests Snorters and Bonker were clearly impressed. I decided not to go into details of how I put in ten 10-cent coins into ten tin cans of schoolboys selling flags. To be continued… :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: THE EMPEROR’S NEW G-STRING Part 3 – The Familee Gets Special Discounts Continued…. Having suitably impressed the dinner guests Cokane Snorter and Spigee Bonker, it was time for the familee to hear them speak. By the time they finished the familee was impressed (or should it be deceived?). They also wanted to put in their orders. Mother wanted a dress with built-in massage, some sort like a wearable Osim. Does she also want vibrators built into the groin area? “Oooh…yes! Yes!” Mother began to scream. “Give it to me!” That inspired the FTs to concoct a name for the dress on the spot; it will be called Osin. The FTs said the dress will cost $50,000 but a discount of $10,000 will be given specially for mother. Father said that there is one piece of apparel he has been craving for all these years: a suit with air-conditioning built-in that would be suitable for the humid tropical climate of Peasantland. No problem, the FTs said, they will create a new range specially for the familee under the brand Orsim (Hokkien for black-hearted) but that would cost $100,000 with payment upfront. And they will give a special discount to father, charging him only $80,000. Dear Wife was very upset that a certain female CEO had upstaged her by wearing a red bikini and making it as a cover dame for a calendar. Hers is just a waste management company and a subsidiary of my Temasekshimaya, Dear Wife raged. Dear Wife wanted an even skimpier bikini to flaunt her assets. And, of course, it has to be red to complement my red swimming trunks. The FTs said it just so happens that they are launching such a range. And, as a tribute to the fashion icon that is Dear Wife, they are going to give the range the brand name Oching. Oching? “Oh no! Oh God!” I muttered. The bikini will cost $20,000 but no discount will be given. Is it because the material used is very expensive and the design is exclusive, Dear Wife asked? No, the counseling and therapy needed to help us recover from our trauma will cost $20,000, the FTs replied. The FTs could see that I was being left out. Or, to put it another way, they were very good at carrying the dragon’s balls, even better than my Principal Secretary Cary Lam Par. We will give you a special gift for all the riches you have thrown at us, Bonker said. We will give you a complimentary G-string. It will be made of such fine and soft material that you won’t even feel it. And of course it will be red to match your entire wardrobe. G-string? That’s kinky. I have never worn a G-string in my life; all my life I have always worn the standard made-in-China Flying Wheel white cotton brief. Well, this is Extreme Makeover isn’t it? I quite like the idea of the G-string exposing my strong muscular butt muscles. Snorter said the brand name will be Oslit. And so the FTs departed with their monies upfront. They are not to be disturbed for six months while they make the clothes. To be continued… :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: THE EMPEROR’S NEW G-STRING Part 4 – The Emperor Gets A Thrill Continued… And so the FTs went off to make the clothes. By now Cokane Snorter and Spigee Bonker have become celebrities in Peasantland. They were feted and celebrated wherever they went. They were featured in all the media: magazines, newspapers, radio and television. They were photographed with SPGs at Mohamed Sultan Road, with foreign females on ’student passes’ at Claymore, with the Miss Peasantland finalists at the Sentosa Foam Party, and with TV celebrities at Zouk. Cokane and Spigee were also seen in a gay mooed with handsome and hunky dudes at the Nation party at Sentosa in August. The FTs are also celebrating our National Day. How patriotic. The famous celebrities were even naming their new-borns after the FTs. An actress and a fighter pilot named their son Brayden Bonker Chionh (or BBC for short). An actor and actress named their son Sage Spigee Snorter Wu (or three asses for short), and a pastor and a singer-masquerading-as-a-pastor named their son Dayan Bonker Kong. Finally the big day arrives. The clothes for the familee are ready. The FTs help to put on the clothes for the family. I still can’t see the clothes. Damn, I must fire my optician. Cokane held up the red G-string for me to slip into. Cokane said that it was made of silk so soft and light that I could hardly feel it. I could not feel it. Period. I stood in front of the mirror, stared at my dragon crotch and forced a smile of approval from my teeth. They proceeded to dress me up: the pants, the shirt, the jacket (red, of course), the belt, the socks, the shoes and the hat. They obviously took great pride in their work for they were in a gay mood. Their hands accidentally brushed against me as they dressed me up. And that Bonker guy kept wanting to adjust my G-string. A thrill coursed through my body. It was a new sensation, something that I have not experienced it before with dear wife. I stared at my dragon crotch and saw that the, ahem, dragon had risen. I strolled out of the room to where the familee was dressed and waiting. My jaws dropped when I saw them, and their jaws dropped when they saw me. I could not see the clothes that the familee was wearing. It was the first time I saw father and mother naked. Dear wife too. (I have been closing my eyes all this while.) The jaws of the staff in attendance also dropped. Some were laughing, some were crying. One or two seemed to be traumatized. One fainted. Cokane Snorter and Spigee Bonker were grinning away, obviously pleased with their work. To be continued… :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: THE EMPEROR’S NEW G-STRING Part 5 – The Emperor Goes On A Walkabout Continued… I just have to show off my new clothes to the peasants. Since erection time is due soon, I decided to go for a walkabout in the heartland to see if the ground is sweet and ripe for an erection. Damn, I hate mingling with the peasants just to show that we are not eleetes. (Editor’s note: this word was formerly known as ‘elites’ but ‘eleetes’ has now entered the Coxford Dictionary.) Lam Par has been looking very worried since we started the walkabout. If his job is to carry balls he has certainly not been doing a good job. My testicles do not feel snuggly supported like they use to. They felt rather unsupported and they jiggled. So the familee went for a parade. Went to Ang Moh King which is Chinese heartland. Saw many Cheenapiangs shopping at Fairprice. The economy must be doing well, the ground is sweet. “They are mainland Chinese,” Principal Secretary Cary Lam Par whispered to me. “The local peasants have lost their jobs to the cheaper mainlanders and have no money for shopping.” Ah well, that means lower labour costs. Inflation in Peasantland is under control. Went to Little India. Saw the apuh neh nehs congregating and shopping at Mustafa. The racial minority must be doing well, I said. Cary Lam Par whispered: “These are the foreign workers from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. The local mamaks are all in jail from either drinking too much toddy, beating up their wives, or for being part of a gang that went round bashing their own race.” Went to Geylang Serai and saw many Mats shopping and eating out. ”Bagus! Bagus!” I said. But Cary Lam Par whispered to me, “These are Mats from Malaysia who have become rich because of the booming economy there.” “Where are the local Mats then?” I asked. “They are poorer and have gone across the Causeway to Johor Bahru, where things are cheaper.” We swaggered a bit further into Geylang to Joo Chiat. The erection mood was in full swing. That was not the only thing in full swing. My, ahem, dragon and the two balls were also swinging and jiggling. Damn, I sure am experiencing new freedom with this G-string. I heard the women were beautiful in Joo Chiat and I was not disappointed. Sexy and scantily-dressed women were looking and winking at me and trying to beckon me over. My dragon was not swinging anymore. It was stiff and stood at attention. Dear wife, walking beside me, had a face as black as thunder. Cary Lam Par whispered to me: “Those sexy women are not local and are not students. They are China mei meis and pei du ma mas here on student passes.” Damn, if students are so beautiful back in my time, I would not have ended up with dear wife. The local schools must have built a good reputation overseas for so many foreign students to want to come here. Headed towards Orchard Road. Passed Claymore Hill area. There were more foreign females on student passes there. One of the sexy gal called out to me: “What’s up?” “Isn’t it obvious?” I replied. It was lunch time and the restaurants were all full. Full of white foreign talent (”WFT”, not to be confused with “WTF”), that is. This is good, I gushed. Lots of foreign visitors are visiting Peasantland and spending lots of moolah. Who needs the peasants to support my economy? Entered a restaurant for lunch. At the queue, the waiter turned away a peasant. Sorry, the restaurant is full and all tables are reserved. Next in line was a WFT with no reservation. No problem, waiter said, we have a table next to the window for you. The waiter had a wagging tail where his arse is. Or am I seeing things? It was our turn next and when we entered the restaurant we saw that we were the only peasants. The rest were foreign talents. The restaurant manager (a WFT, what else), his tail wagging, took great pains to assure me that they practice a no-discrimination policy. That went down well with me. Even FTs observe Peasantland’s national pledge of Justice and Equality. I had an uneasy feeling. Where are the local peasants? Cary Lam Par’s body was trembling and his voice was quavering as he replied, ”They are all hard at work. The Ah Bengs are at the Kranji race course, at the kopi tiams watching EPL soccer and at the betting outlets learning about mathematics, probabilities and odds. The rest of the Ah Bengs are also hard at work holding down a second job as second-hand car salesman, second-hand mobile phone dealer, insurance agent, property agent or as bookie runner. The unmarried Ah Bengs have gone on holiday packages to Vietnam and Kalimantan to look for brides, working hard to help boost Peasantland’s population with even more foreign talents. The Ah Lians are hard at work cleaning toilets, giving massages or selling hawker food. The Ah Sohs are hard at work increasing the velocity of money in the financial system by playing mahjong, jap ji kee or the casino on the cruise ships. The Ah Peks are hard at work at Happy Hill in Batam, spreading the message (or is it massage?) of love beyond the shores of Peasantland. Some are found at Joo Chiat, eagerly trying to give tuition to those to those China mei meis here on student passes. The kids are hard at work in tuition centres, music centres, ballet classrooms or video arcades.” “Marvelous! Marvelous!” I beamed. There are so many jobs for those peasants who want to work, and there are so many peasants with so much money to spend. The economy must be doing well. The ground is ripe for an erection. I looked down to see my own little marvel. It was causing a bulge in my G-string, although I could not see the G-string. The procession began to head back home. By this time, Peasantland had come to a virtual standstill as half the population lined up to watch the spectacle. Then suddenly one little boy spoke up: “But the Emperor has no clothes!” It was a very awkward and embarrassing situation. I had read The Emperor’s New Clothes by Han Christian Andersen. No way was I going to let mob rule take over. I gave a signal and ten internal security men pounced on the boy and took him away. As fairy tales go, the boy was never seen again. It was awkward and embarrassing as it was the first time I had to invoke the Internal Security Act on a minor. But it was effective, the rest of the peasants quavered in their shoes and a hush came over them. I looked down and saw that my marvel was still erect. Damn, this G-string sure has a Viagra-like effect. The end. Annals of the Dragon King (Dec 2004) By LITTLEREDDOT, the Godfather of Satire from The Sammyboys PEASANTLAND IDIOTS AND IDOLS 1 December 2004 (Wednesday) Did not sleep well last night. Dear wife was whining and crying over Temasekshimaya’s 2% stake in Conman Aviation Oil (”CAO”) which blew up with a US$550 million loss from speculative trading in oil futures. Don’t sweat the small stuff, I told her. You have chalked up much bigger losses yourself, you know. Secretly I was happy that CAO got into trouble. I turned green when Iread that CAO’s CEO Oily Chen earned $7 million last year. Damn, I am grossly underpaid. I am relieved that he has finally made a bigger mess than I did. Still, it does not look good on me that the CAO debacle happened when I am the Emperor and Finance Mini-star. And with my arse still sore from the screwing I get from the mainland communists over my handling of the Taiwan issue, I cannot do anything to Oily Chen and his rogue traders. If it was my MIW, I can move them to the Prime Mini-star’s Office and put them in cold storage. The only thing I could do is to send Oily Chen back to the communist mainland. First the China mei meis milked money (and semen?) from the lau ah peks in the heartland. Then Huang Na parents’ milked half a million dollars from the peasants. And now CAO has caused the peasants to lose millions in worthless CAO shares. Damn, those mainland peasants sure know how to steal money from my peasants. The familee’s exclusive franchise for taking money from the peasants is under threat. And it is not just the peasants who are idiots. The National University of Peasantland (’NUP’) Business School adopted CAO as an MBA case study “due to its outstanding performance and advanced management mechanism”. Isn’t this the same university who boasts that it is 18th among the Top 200 Universities ranked by the New York Times? What on earth is ‘management mechanism’? The Peasantland Exchange management wanted to hold an all-night emergency meeting to tackle the CAO debacle. It was crisis management time again. No, not tonight, I said. I have got more urgent matters to attend to. In moments like this, I have to be decisive and prioritise. Top of my priorities was my Peasantland Idol party. I left office at 5pm sharp and was home by 5.30pm. The MIWs and min-stars arrived and the party was soon in full swing. Karaoke Wong tried to prove that he could sing but only succeeded in shattering Crying Mini-star Lim Swee Swee’s glasses. Environment Mini-star Yakult Ibrahim and Parliament Speaker Abdullah Tamagotchi each came with ten mobile phones. They are trying to support Taufik, who is from the minority race. They said their wives asked them to vote for Taufik on their behalf. So too their fathers, mothers, second mothers, third mothers, grandfathers, grandmothers, mothers-in-law, father-in-law, uncles, aunties, their children’s friends from the polytechnic, polytechnic alumni, the mosque leaders, their old school cikgus, etc. Damn, isn’t Peasantland Idol supposed to forge a common identity and give the peasants a national idol? Instead the kingdom is split along racial lines. I did a pre-poll among the party members on who would be Peasantland Idol. Dear wife went hysterical and screamed “Taufik!” I glared at her. Yakult Ibrahim, Abdullah Tamagotchi, Raymond Lim, Vivian, Cheap Hen, Cheena Tharman and Medical Khaw also voted for Taufik. Casino Yeo, Lum Par Yeo, Hairdo Lim, WC2010 Marlboro Tan, Karaoke Wong and Yaya Kumar voted for Sylvester. They all looked so smug. Deputy Mini-stars Woody Goh and Tony wisely abstained from voting. Then father cast his vote: “There is only one worthy Idol, and it is my son.” Mother was very nice: she wanted to save the embarrassment (and careers) of those who voted wrongly. What say we do a second vote, she suggested? The result was: Taufik 0, Sylvester 0, Dragon 20. The Peasantland Idol contest got underway. The ISD, the civil servants from the Electoral Department, the PAPpies and the MIWs were all watching the voting patterns intensely for clues to voting patterns for the forthcoming Presidential and General Elections. I saw the five Taufik supporters who dressed up as brides and carrying placards that said ‘Marry Me, Taufik!’ I roared with laughter. What silliness! When the Dragon laughs, everyone also politely follow. None of them were prepared to make their earlier mistake of not following the Dragon. Everyone laughed except for dear wife. She was sulking away, and she was wearing a bridal gown. The four judges must have also learnt some flattery tips from the MIWs. None of them had biting comments about the Idols’ performances. In fact, their words were so sugary-sweet and honeyed that I had half a mind to recruit them into the MIW party. They would do well in the coming elections. Then the phone lines were open and all hell broke loose. Everyone was punching the buttons on their mobile phones. Brother and dear wife were drooling away; their phone companies were earning 50 cents every time a vote was cast. I called up the Youth wing of the MIW Party, the chairmen of the CC, RCC of my Beehoon and Tecko constitutencies and instructed them to vote in unison. Dear wife called up her Temasekshimaya bosses and instructed them to instruct the employees of the companies under Temasekshimaya to vote. Karaoke Wong called up the Home Affairs Ministry and instructed the Police Commissioner to instruct the police to vote. Defence Mini-star Dunking Teo mobilized the entire Armed Forces and told them to vote. Education Mini-star Cheena Tharman got the teachers and students to vote. The phone lines finally closed and the results were tallied. The Mats and Minahs had wasted their entire measly savings on voting for Taufik. The Ah Bengs had to borrow money from loansharks to vote for Sylvester. The Ah Lians had to agree to work as karaoke hostesses and heartland pole dancers so that they could get money to vote for Sylvester. Damn, didn’t I say the peasants are real idiots when it comes to parting with their monies: Hello Kitty, Huang Na, CAO and now Peasantland Idol? When the votes were tallied, the organizers were clearly distressed: they could not possible announce me as the winner. The ISD, the Electoral Department and the MIW went into discussions. How to save their career and not offend me? Finally they had to appeal to father for help. Father pulled me aside and persuaded me of the importance of the Malay votes in the upcoming elections. Taufik was finally declared the winner. The peasants got their idol and the MIW got the election won. Thank goodness for idiots in Peasantland. There cannot be an idol without idiots. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: CAO PEH CAO BU 10 December 2004 (Friday) The China-conman Anal Oil (”CAO”) debacle is really screwing up my year-end mood when I was looking to wind down the year quietly and enjoy the festive cheer. And not only is CAO screwing the peasants, it is also screwing my Dear Wife too. For the entire week the royal palace was full of her lamentations about Temasekshimaya having bought CAO. It was a case of “cao peh cao bu”. Everything that King Midas touches turns to gold, but every investment that Dear Wife touches shrinks in value. Queen Midget? And to make matters worse, Dear Wife accused me of leading her into buying CAO shares. “Who, me?” I asked incredulously. “Didn’t you tell me one night: ‘CAO, cheap buy!’?” Dear Wife reminded me. Then it dawned on me: I remembered being overwhelmed by her feminine odors that night and told her so. “I said, “chao chee bye!” I yelled at her. Everything stinks. Damn. :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: CHRISTMAS IS THE SEASON FOR GIVING 17 December 2004 (Friday) Christmas is here again and this year I have got to be more generous in giving presents as I am now the Emperor. No problem, for there is a long list this year of those that deserve presents. For father, it was easy: M&M chocolates and Mentos sweets. I understand the makers of M&M and Mentos are working overtime to fill orders flooding in from peasants from Peasantland who also want to give the same presents. I guess father will have a house full of chocolates and sweets this Christmas. For dear wife, a magnifying glass and a pair of vibrators. The magnifying glass is to help her see her investment portfolio, as all her investments have shrunk once her Temasekshimaya bought them. One vibrator is for her since her purchases must imply she likes to screw herself a lot. Not to mention the peasants too, hence the other dildo. And oh, I cannot forget the lubricant. One lube of Chinaman Anal Oil (”CAO”) is also included. For SM Goh, a rocking chair and a 10% discount for a one-year stay at Geylang Old Folk’s Home. Now that he has been retired, he will have plenty of time rocking away at the old folks’ home. And if he gets bored and wants some excitement, the China mei meis are just a stone’s throw away at the corner coffee shop. Who knows, they might be able to visit him at the Home, dressed in nurses’ uniforms. That should satisfy his fetish. For Mini-star for Security and Defence White Wizard Gandalf Tony, the complete trilogies of The Lord of The Rings, The Terminator and The Matrix. I will leave it to him as to which doctrine he choose to fight terrorists although personally I prefer the doctrine that swats orcs and uruk-hais left, right and center. Maybe Tony will mix and match and come up with an improvised doctrine. How about “The Terminator of The Matrix”? For Mini-star for Law Yayakooma, the Laws and Statutes of Peasantland in two versions: one for the peasants and one for the foreign talents. He also wins the Special Prize for committing the biggest boo-boo of the year: a dunce cap for allowing a foreign talent on a drug charge to flee the country for ‘psychiatric treatment’. For Mini-star for Home Affairs Karaoke Wong, a gift voucher for a cataract operation at Peasantland National Eye Centre. Then his eyes will finally see clearly, for the first time, the quality of China con men, apu nehs nehs and white trash that he has been allowing into Peasantland. For Transport Mini-star Protectionism Yeo, a copy of the ASEAN free-trade agreement and a fowl. Somewhere inside the free trade agreement are clauses that do not allow Protectionism Yeo to restrict budget airlines from competing with the Peasantland national carrier. Also, two copies of the banned book “Escape From Paradise” (www.escapefromparadise.com), one for him and one for his wife. For Foreign Mini-star Lam Par Yeo, an artificial nail and a phallic symbol. The artificial nail is for him to dig his boogle (or pee sai). The phallic symbol is a reminder of his tussle with his counterpart, the Foreign Minister of Taiwan. For Mini-star for Information, Communications and the Arts Channel Lee, a harem and a bikini. The harem consists of a pool of artistes retrenched by Mediaworks. The bikini is to remind him of Fiona Xee, whose uplifting and bouncy performance in the Peasantland version of Baywatch could not even get her into the Top 10 Most Popular Female Actress Award. For Mini-star for Education an Indian-Chinese dictionary so that he can pronounce “Thar1 Man4 Shan1 Mu4 Ge1 Ra1 Nam2″, the hanyu pinyin version of his name. I will also give Thar1 Man4 a queue (Chinese pigtail) wig to cover his bald patch and to make him look more Cheena. It will go down better with the Chinese peasants if it is a Chinaman who is making radical changes to the Chinese syllabus. For Mini-star for National Development Marlboro Tan, a video on ballroom dancing. He should know how to dance properly: it is two steps forward and one step back, NOT one step forward and two steps back. The latter is exactly how Peasantland soccer has danced, or tripped rather. The Malaysia Cup was one step forward but the S-League was one step backward. World Cup 2010 goal was another big step backward. That’s obscene; Marlboro Tan must have been doing either dirty dancing or pole dancing. The present for Crying Mini-star Lim Suay Suay is obvious: a box of Kleenex tissues and a dozen cheap gold-plated medals (from Queensway Shopping Center) to give him the gold medals he so desperately craved. I will keep the free pair of socks that come with the gold medals. For Action Mini-star Casino Vivian, a one-year membership at Zouk, a pack of cards and a roulette set. The Zouk membership is to thank him for holding the Young Pappy function at Zouk. That really invigorates the staid MIW Party as well as my mojo. I discovered that there are a few chio young WIWs (Women In White) in the party. The pack of cards and the roulette set is also to thank him for shafting the casino project down the throats of the peasants. The casino will bring in a billion dollars of revenue every year; just hope dear wife doesn’t blow it all away on bad investments. That just about does it. Did I miss anyone? Oh yes, I forgot about Cheap Labour Hen, the Mini-star for Manpower. But I have used up my budget. Guess I will have to take the fowl (”churi ayam”?) from Protectionism Yeo and give it to Hen. I know Hen would not mind a cheep present. Did someone cry foul? Coming Soon: The Powderful Town Council Wealth Funds Move over Sovereign Wealth Funds! Our Town Councils in Singapore are building lagi better funds……The Powderful Town Council Wealth Funds! We Singaporeans are truly Blessed!!! by Bro HSglucose from The Sammyboys Would it be right, as a matter of principle, for Aljunied Town Council to raise conservancy charges in the manner proposed above? Let’s discuss. The most obvious objection is that all the residents in the dirty precincts would have to pay higher conservancy charges, even though the large majority of them may be civic-minded residents who do not litter. Once again, it would be a case of innocent Singaporeans being punished for a wrong they did not commit and could not personally prevent. It is one thing to catch a litterbug and impose a fine on him. It is quite another thing to impose a fine (or a higher conservancy charge) on a resident, just because he happens to live in an area with more litterbugs around. All the residents are already paying their usual conservancy charges. The amount they currently pay is already more than enough to maintain the cleanliness of the Aljunied GRC area. Check out the Aljunied Town Council’s financial statements yourself. In the 2006/2007 financial year, the Aljunied town council collected $31,955,492 in conservancy and service fees. They spent only $4,237,162 on cleaning works. Their accumulated surplus for the year, as at 31 March 2007, was $4,964,022. Which means that in 2006/2007, they could have spent DOUBLE the amount they actually did, on cleaning works, and still have money left over. Just as a side point, what about their gigantic sinking funds? Check out the Aljunied Town Council’s balance sheet. They have more than $90,000,000 in surpluses accumulated over the years. And yes, the bulk of which would have come from the conservancy and service fees paid by Aljunied residents. Of that amount, $36,270,609 is reported to be sitting in the bank as fixed deposits. Another $44,045,035 is reported as being held for “trading investments”. What’s that? On further inspection, we see that it means $12,587,775 invested in stocks; $21,082,590 invested in bonds; and $11,981,315 invested in unit trusts. Does the Aljunied Town Council sound poor to you? Cans Festival by Bro eecheekok from The Sammyboys With all the press hype over the appearance of Singapore films at the Cannes Film Festival, it’s a bit disappointing that a Singapore-related entry at the Cans Festival didn’t merit a mention in the Straits Times. The elite of the London art world has convened in Lambeth from 2nd May to examine graffiti in a dank railway tunnel. It is not a location that has been listed among London’s main cultural attractions. In fact, it compares unfavourably with other dank tunnels in the capital. From 3rd May, however, when the tunnel opens to the public, the graffiti are expected to attract thousands, because they represent the largest exhibition by Banksy, a determinedly anonymous British graffiti artist. He has gathered 40 of the chief proponents of the form to transform the tunnel into a show case. The early visitors have included Kevin Spacey, the actor and artistic director of the Old Vic. Banksy marshaled more than three dozen international artists for what he’s calling the ‘Cans Festival’ — and is encouraging visitors to contribute their own graffiti starting Saturday. It will be open to the public for the Bank Holiday weekend. These two satirical pieces which would be considered vandalism if sprayed in Singapore, are now legally displayed and have already been seen by thousands so far, in what is currently London’s hottest venue to see and be seen. Past form suggests that, for a few days at least, Leake Street will challenge the more established attractions of the nearby South Bank. Furthermore, they will be up for at least 6 months in what could now be considered a ‘art gallery’ unless the Gahmen decides to send an ISD operative with a spray can to cover it up themselves. If you’re an overseas Singaporean in London, check it out if you can. Condoleezza Rice Giving Free Lunches in Potong Pasir and Hougang!!! After the interview with Mrs Clinton at Tiong Bahru market, Dominique Olivier Moreau of CNN (Clowns’ News Network) finally caught up with Dr Condoleezza Rice in Hougang. Here’s the transcript: D O Moreau: Dr Rice! Hi! I’m Moreau from the CNN. Can you spare me some time for a short interview? Condi: Sure! D O Moreau: How were your last few days here in Singapore? Condi: It was very busy but it was fun when Ms Lee Ah Huay was around. I’d enjoyed myself! D O Moreau: Who’s Ms Lee? Condi: She was my mentor in Potong Pasir. She taught me a lot. Like certain words I must avoid saying in Singapore. Words like, “Don’t talk Cock!”, which can be censured in the parliament. Then there are those words like Welfare, etc. I must try not to use that kind of words too often or the whole nation’s work ethics will go down the drain. It’s an evil mantra!….. Then there are words that Ms Lee taught me to use to show bonding with the people. Words like, “pang sai jia lai chui jam ban”…….please don’t ask me what it meant but it certainly has some forward looking element in it. D O Moreau: Dr Rice……. Condi: Call me Condi! D O Moreau: Alright Condi. I thought you are selected to work in the Potong Pasir Constituency, so why are you doing a walkabout in Hougang now? Condi: I thought so too, but last night, there was a change of plan. D O Moreau: Have you done anything in Potong Pasir since you arrived on Sunday? Condi: Oh yes! Ms Lee and the grassroot leeders brought me to do walkabouts in Potong Pasir. We also offered free lunches there. D O Moreau: What did you offer for lunch? Condi: We offered Shark Fins Porridge and Birds Nest Soup. D O Moreau: Wow! That’s expensive lunch you’re offering! Condi: But the response from Potong Pasir was not too good…. D O Moreau: What do you mean? Condi: The residents there prefer Greek cuisine. They walked past and asked for Tyropittakia! D O Moreau: What’s that? Condi: It’s Greek Cheese Pie……the strange thing was, they somehow knew that my mum was a great cook…..they said something like, “Can’t your mother cheese pie”….I didn’t hear properly, but I gathered they meant, “Can’t your mother’s cheese pie be offered instead”. D O Moreau: So are you offering free cheese pies in Hougang? Condi: Oh yes! I emailed my mum for the recipe and I’ve passed it to the grassroot leeders to help make them. Ah! Here’s Mr Boo Lick Ker the grassroot leeders of Hougang. D O Moreau: Good Morning Mr Boo! Joel: Please call me Joel! I’m not a grassroot leeder! I’m just an activist in the gahmen Hougang Branch since 2002……..Condi, the Tyropittakias are ready. Let’s walk over to that void deck to offer them to the residents. Condi, Moreau and Joel walked to the void deck where 1000 grassroot leeders from all over Singapore had come to help. D O Moreau: I understand that the Hougang residents are not happy that your gahmen do not upgrade their houses because they voted for the Workers’ Party. What’s your view? Joel: There is a price to pay for a decision to choose a political candidate and party. One cannot claim that he is a taxpayer and should benefit from the likes of those in a PAP constituency when he voted for the opposition. Have they taken our efficient and incorruptible system and political stability for granted? D O Moreau: You mean Singapore taxpayers’ accounts are segregated into those who voted for the gahmen and the others who voted for the opposition? Joel: Well……erm…… D O Moreau: What about the draft? Do those eligible to be drafted get to avoid serving just because they live in the opposition ward? Joel: You mean National Service? D O Moreau: Yes. Joel: Well…..Hey Condi! Look! Our first Hougang resident coming for the Tyropittakias! Just as Dr Rice wanted to serve the gentleman the cheese pie, he uttered something and walked off. Condi: What did he say? What’s “Na bay eh”……..???? Joel: Oh…..hehe…….he said, “Never eat at Charles’ Cheese Pie!” Condi: What Charles’ Cheese Pie??? THIS IS MY MOTHER’S CHEESE PIE!!!!! Hillary in Tiong Bahru Market After Mrs Clinton left the press conference in such a haste, Dominique Olivier Moreau of CNN (Clowns’ News Network) managed to catch up with her in Singapore. She had joined the National Anti-Bacteria Experts’ Healthcare, a private company that has just a little link to the gahmen investment arm, as a director of the healthcare company. D O Moreau met her and her mentor, Ms E. Coli Cheong, in a walk-about at the Tiong Bahru market. Here’s the transcript of the interview: D O Moreau: Mrs Clinton, I’m Dominique with the CNN. I was present at your press conference the day before yesterday. May I have an interview with you? Hillary: I’m actually having a hands-on training from my mentor here….er….Escherichia, I hope you don’t mind giving me a couple of minutes so that I can answer some questions from this gentleman from CNN? E. Coli Cheong: No problem! Shall we move over to that chwee kuei stall there? We can enjoy our breakfast while both of you talk. After ordering some famous Tiong Bahru chwee kueis, E. Coli, Mrs Clinton and D O Moreau sat down at the nearest table in that hawker centre. D O Moreau: Mrs Clinton, why was the hurry for you to leave U.S.A.? Hillary: I have a very important interview at a special tea party here yesterday and so I needed to rush off in the middle of the press conference on Saturday. And, as it turned out, Ms Condoleezza Rice reached here before me. It’s disappointing, because I don’t get to……*sigh*….Escherichia, why not you help me out……. E. Coli Cheong: Hillary, actually it’s alright with what you’ve got. Dominique, you see, Ms Rice came earlier yesterday and our leeders have decided to give her the task of taking back the opposition ward at Potong Pasir in the next General Election. She gets to do more, but that’s does not mean Hillary is less important to our plan…… D O Moreau: What’s the plan? E. Coli Cheong: Our leeders planned to deploy Hillary in the Tanjong Pagar GRC in next General Election. It’s a tough ground. D O Moreau: Singapore has just had an election last year, so why are you guys gearing up for the next General Election when it’s more than four years to go? Hillary: Singapore is facing a new situation now. We’ve to start early. There is a lot of discontentment with the gahmen from an awful lot of ungrateful peasants. Just as when we are planning to urgently plug the gap that’s leaking top talents, these people are questioning Ministerial pay rises and pegging our Minister’s pay to those in other countries. E. Coli Cheong: Hillary is just fantastic. She has the full grasp of Singapore’s present circumstance and no wonder our leeders already consider her a Singaporean since yesterday…… D O Moreau: She’s already a Singaporean? Hillary: Not yet. I’ve got my P R only this morning. I’m starting work with National Anti-Bacteria Experts’ Healthcare Pte Ltd next week. E. Coli Cheong: The PRIVATE CORPORATION that’s employing her is paying her S$4.4 million per annum! After the next election, she may need to sacrifice half of her pay to serve as a minister of Singapore!!! Look at that STUNNING sacrifice!!! Where in the world can you find politicians making such obscene sacrifices??!!! Hillary: The life of a Minister is not attractive. How many are willing to sacrifice every evening either at Meet the People Sessions, chairing Review Committees and carrying another baby in a HDB kopitiam even on precious weekends? D O Moreau: How do you know so much when you are here for only two days? Hillary: There’re a lot of helpers coming forward to help. Like next week, I’ll be attached to Desker Road R C Zone ‘F’. The Chairman there, Mr Lionel de S., has kindly agreed to show me the rope in organizing grassroot support, meeting the peasants, etc. By the time I’m sworn in as a citizen of Singapore, in about two week’s time, I’ll be attached to the CCC. It’s very exciting for me. I’ll be learning new things everyday. In fact, this evening I’ll be starting my Hip Hop dancing class. E. Coli Cheong: Dominique! You see? We’ve gathered a platoon with the acumen of Bill Gates, risk appetite of George Soros and the heart of Mother Theresa….. And the compensation? Priceless! Haven’t we all heard this all too often, “Pay Peanuts Get Monkeys”. It’s very justified to pay our ministers ENOUGH for them to work efficiently and free from corruption. D O Moreau: But you guys seem to imply that the rest of the world leaders are working less efficiently and not free from corruption…… Hillary: Just hang on a second. Take my husband for example. His Presidential Salary was not enough for him to pay for the service of a whore! That’s why he had to settle for that fat ugly intern in a tatty blue dress! E. Coli Cheong: Only the poor are corrupt, only the poor will steal. The rich will never be corrupted and the rich will never steal, because they are not poor. So when the rich are not corrupted, the rich don’t steal, the poor become rich. And everybody become rich, and everybody shall never be corrupted, and everybody doesn’t steal. So, make the Ministers rich and they will in turn make all the people rich, and we’ll have everybody joining the “economic militia” and keep the Singapore flag flying high for a very long time! Get it? D O Moreau: So, you’re saying that Singapore should increase the Ministers’ pay from S$1.2 million to S$2.2 million so that when they become rich, they’ll not be corrupted. Hillary: That’s correct! D O Moreau: And after they are rich, they’ll make the poor people rich too. Hillary: That’s absolutely correct! You’re marvelous! D O Moreau: And you call poor people rich when they get their welfare increased from S$260 to S$290? E. Coli Cheong: That’s 11.5% increase!!! Where in the world can you find such great improvement? Look here. Let’s not stray from the main point. The main point is we sorely need more than a few Good Men and Women to continue serving at the top so that our economy will continue its bull run. With a flourishing economy, Ministerial pay increments will pale in comparison to the prosperities and fortunes Singapore will be able to bring to its people. Because then, the man on their street will get his pay raise too. Hillary: Escherichia is right. The ONE MILLION DOLLAR increment in the ministerial pay will pale in comparison to the colossal increment of 11.5% in the welfare of the poor people. Poor people of Singapore are getting richer. I just love Singapore!   Hillary Quits the Race!!! Breaking news! Hillary Clinton is quitting the Presidential race. Here’s the transcript of the press conference: Hillary: Hi! Thanks for coming to this press conference. I would like to inform all of you, my supporters especially, that I’m giving up the contest for the Presidency. Lucianus: Lucianus from Roman Times. Mrs Clinton, are you quitting because of your fear for Obama? Hillary: Yah! Sort of……..If I don’t grab this opportunity to offer my service there and now, I’m afraid Obama may get wind of the opportunity there, and join me in the race over THERE! J Swift: Mrs Clinton. This is J Swift from Irish Times. May I know what do you mean by “offering your service there”? Where’s “there”? Hillary: Okay, it’s Singapore. All the press people: SINGAPORE??!!! Hillary: Yes. The leeders of Singapore have just contacted me and told me about their love for Foreign Talents and how I can help in the pre-emptive measures that they are taking to prevent the loss of civil servants and ministers. I’ll be moving to the island very soon. D O Moreau: Moreau from CNN. There must be other reasons that make you want to leave this country and the Presidential Race. Hillary: Well, the pay is one of the matters that I’ve been thinking all along. Singapore is the only country in this world that’s paying Minister ENOUGH. They are paying US$1.1 million per annum to the prime minister. That’s FIVE AND THE HALF TIMES more than the salary that the President of U.S.A. is getting! Their ministers are getting between US$600,000 to US$800,000! These ministers’ salaries are already THREE to FOUR times that of a US President! J Swift: So, what about the ideal of serving the people? Hillary: While public officers must serve from a sense of idealism and duty and not be motivated mainly by financial reward, they should not be expected to make unreasonable financial sacrifices to be in public service. I guess the people of Singapore are really wise to vote for their gahment year in year out. Their leeders know just how hard it is for civil servants and ministers to survive on a mediocre pay. A good compensational plan not only keeps the talented people in the public service and it also keeps them free from corruption. D O Moreau: In what way can you help the island republic to prevent the loss of top talents from leaving the public service? Hillary: Well, for a start, I would suggest to the leeders of the island not to peg the salaries of the senior ministers of state to the benchmark of the 15 top earner aged 32 years among the six professions. Licianus: What would you propose? Hillary: I would propose that they peg the salaries of the senior ministers of state to the benchmark of the top tycoons like Bill Gates, Warren Buffet,……..Since their public servants are so talented, they must be retained based on an equitable pay! And that’s for the senior ministers of state alone. I’ll think of something else to suggest for the Ministers later. It’ll get harder to find benchmark for these top people. J Swift: I’ve just been informed that the Secretary of State, Ms Condoleezza Rice, has just resigned. She’s heading to Singapore to start talk of a similar opening like yours, what’s your take of this….…..hey! Mrs Clinton, where are you going??? First World Journalism (The above picture is done by Bro myfrankOpinion of the Sammyboys)  A fellow Sammyboy, MentisMortis, had recently posted his account of the ill treatment of a Civil Defense NSF. He received a snaky PM from a certain “Kate” who claimed that she was “very interested in the case” and she “had something to share with the victim”. It later turned out that she is Min, a reporter from Wan Bao. Based on what they gathered from MentisMortis’ post, they sensationalized the whole thing and published it in the Sunday’ Wan Bao, without verification, etc. MentisMortis is pissed off by her underhand means of getting the scoop. For those of you who are interested in the whole events and the emails that went to and fro, please go and read at: The Sammyboy thread - Underhanded. sneaky nature Leeporters I thought the gahmen said that the Sammyboys do not know how to have intelligent debates??!! Why are these LEEporters from the 147th still lurking around the forum? Aren’t they being disobedient to their master? Here’s my account of a similar incident taking place in a parallel universe: At a press conference given by the Stooges Publishing House Ms Chua: I would like to thank you all, ladies and gentlemen of the press, for coming to our press conference today. We are here today to witness our nation’s first and very own “Elephant Gal”! Mei Mei: Hey! I thought you are going to apologize for publishing about my cousins’ plight and the underhanded way your LEEporter used to cheat me for the information? Ms Chua: I think there must be a misunderstanding, Ms Wee. I’d said we will apologize for publishing about your cousin’s plight. AND!!!……that’s provided the article published is done with malignance. Do we see any malignance here?……Obviously not! Ramesh: Ramesh from Cheena News Agency. I don’t see any malignance. In fact, that report was comprehensive and forward-looking. Ken: I’m Ken from Seedy Times. I concur with Ramesh. The report is one of the best, if not the best reports, I have seen. It’s wonderful! DOM: This is Dominique from Clowns’ News Network. Ms Wee Mei Mei, how did you get to know Keith of Wang’s Press? Mei Mei: I posted a thread in Sammyboys forum. I just hope that some one can offer some help and advice to me, regarding my cousin….. Keith: Well, I did say that I was very interested in the case and I did have something to share with your deformed cousin…….. Mei Mei: You don’t even know the difference between elephantiasis and Proteus syndrome!!! Keith: But I’ve at least tried my best to check the Wikipedia….. Ms Chua: Ms Wee Mei Mei, please calm down. Let me assure you that our gahmen….I mean our company…… has the best LEEporters. LEEporters whose works have only two pure ingredients: integrity and honesty! Remesh: Well said! Their works are good intentioned! Ken: Yes, I’ll second that. Their works are made in heaven! Mei Mei: But Keith did more than coming down to see my cousin…… DOM: What else did he do? Keith: I….. Mei Mei: He diverted my attention and took nude pictures of my cousin….. Keith: I was trying to get some evidence to show Ms Chua….. Ms Chua: Ms Wee Mei Mei, we did not publish those pictures. They were just picture of a deformed girl with 3 tits! Two on the chest and one big one on the face…..and two gigantic elephant thighs………I tell you what. I propose to you and to your cousin, Ms Wai Soh Mean……a ten year contract that’s paying $13,000 per month for Soh Mean to work for us. She’ll be displayed at the S’Flyer. Remesh: Wow! This offer is incredibly generous! Ken: Let me share with her that nowhere else in the world can you get a Budget ….sorry…I mean offer….which includes love and compassion in abundance as this one. Just then, the figure covered in cloth sitting next to Wee Mei Mei started to rock violently. It banged the table and started to scream….. W.S.M.: ARGHHHHH!!!!!! ARGHHHHHHHHH!!!!……. I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!! I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!!! I…..AM……ELITE GAL!!!!!! When the Old Man kicks the bucket……… (by Scroobal, Sammyboy’s resident playwright laureate) If the Old Man kicks the bucket, this is the scene that may take place in Wong’s Bedroom. Ruth: Go for it, this is your chance Wong: No lah! I promised Uncle Harry that I will look after Ah Loong. Ruth: Don’t be stupid! The man is dead! Do you really believe that he will wake from his grave? Wong: For your information, he did say that if Singapore goes down hill……… Ruth: You blind or what??!! Things have been going downhill for the last 15 years! Wong: What about Ah Loong? Ruth: You are not only blind, you are deaf and dumb. It’s the Madam that you have to be worried about. Who you think wears the pants in that household? Wong: Aiyoh! So same like us what! Ruth: Don’t be funny. Look! Be serious! Remember? Ah Loong used to call you his guru. It’s not because of your wisdom but because of your previous vocation. Wong: I am scared. Ruth: You stupid or what? I am not asking you to stage a coup de tat or an assassination. You are from the Min. of Home Affairs, you control the Police, the ISD and you also control the grassroots. You have the instruments of government behind you. You can make the move slowly and surely. Wong: What about SAF? Ruth: You’re really blur! The entire SAF is for Malaysia. You think the submarine and F16s can do anything if you make the move? If there is problem and if it is not from Malaysia, they all will go lim kopi at the nearest sarabat stall. Wong: What about the rest of the cabinet? Ruth: Except for Lim Boon Heng, the rest can’t be bothered. Remember the short arse affair when Aunty Choo slapped Loong? The rest are not politicians. The rest already made a bundle and they will retire. You can then ask your koi pond kakis to join your cabinet Wong: That reminds me of my Koi Pond meeting. I have to go to the meeting in 10 minutes time. Ruth: Fuck lah! Talking to you is like talking to the wall. Solid brick! Wong: Frankly if you want my opinion, you and Ah Ho should make up. I agree that it was rude of her to comment about your Laksa lacking punch but it is partly your fault. Why you bring up Micropolis in the first place? Ruth: I thought I want inside info on Micropolis ma! Wong: What inside info? The due diligence done is like your laksa, no punch one! Ruth: You better go to your Koi pond gang meeting before I make you drink my Laksa! Don’t Panic! Here’s the Hitchhiker’s Guide to Run Road from Singapore! My sincerest apology to the late Douglas Adam…………..I’m about to make him turn in his grave……. DOM: Good Morning Singapore! Here’s Dominique reporting live from the Changi Airport for CNN (Clowns’ News Network). We are here witnessing the first batch of Singaporeans departing for the United States of America. From there, these people will be launched into space from either Kennedy Space Center or Cape Canaveral Air Force Station, in a dozen of the new SBS (Specially Built Shuttles), to planet Mars……..Ah! Here’s Mr Lionel de S., the Chairman of the Committee for the Engineered Leakage…….Mr de S.! Mr de S.!!! Please tell us more about this new scheme for Singaporeans!!! Lionel de S.: Alright! Let me introduce myself more accurately to your audience. I’m Mr Lionel de S., the chairman of the Committee for the Engineered Leakage and ….. DOM: and this new scheme…. Lionel de S.: ….Ahem!!!….AND!!!!….. I’m also the Chairman of the R.C. of Desker Road Zone F and….. DOM: the new….. Lionel de S.: ….tsk! tsk! tsk!…..patient, my boy! Patient!……….AND!!!…..I’m also the Chairman of the MCST of Stafford Mansion. Now, about this scheme……the gahmen set up this Committee to cater for the people who have been making a lot of noise about not being treated more fairly than the Foreign Talents and the Very-Well-Educated Singaporeans. So, our most learned and glorious leeders in our gahmen decided to show these people how magnanimous they are. They, with the cooperation of the US gahmen, built a biosphere in Mars, to house some guinea pigs….sorry….I mean………. Singaporeans……and DOM: Is it safe to go and live there?! Lionel de S.: Of course it’s safe! DOM: And who are the types of Singaporeans being sent there? Lionel de S.: Well, it’s not like we’re sending people away by force. These people actually volunteer to go to Mars. Now, that’s Arthur Dent. He’s one of the volunteers. Hey! Arthur! Come here! Ah Ter: Mr S! I told you how many time liao? I’m not Arthur Dent hor! I’m Tang Ah Ter! Lionel de S.: Okay! Whatever……So, please tell this reporter from CNN about why you volunteer for this trip to Mars, Arthur. Ah Ter: I didn’t volunteer okay! DOM: You didn’t? Lionel de S.: Of course he did! Let me explain….. Ah Ter: My house kena the SER simi lan sai thing, so I no money…. I went down to HDB hub to potest lor! And…. Lionel de S.: Dominique, Mr Dent was protesting like those four bozos who protested in front of the CPF building. He was wearing a very illegal T-shirt! Ah Ter: No what! It’s a T-shirt I picked up from my jia-kentang neighbour just before Chinese New Year. They were doing spling cleaning and they said the whole bag of clothing they all also no want liao….. So, I take lor….. DOM: What’s printed on the T-shirt? Ah Ter: It has a picture of a hoo you know? DOM: A hoo??…..You mean a talisman?? Lionel de S.: No, it’s a caricature of the incriminating Ter Gua! Ah Ter: Before I can even complained to the HDB officer, 4 huge Gukhas pulled me out of the building and sent me to an underground jail….. Lionel de S.: Dominique, trust me, Arthur here is being treated more than fairly. He’s been released and freed for all charges if he…… DOM: Volunteers for this trip to Mars? Lionel de S.: Yes! You people from CNN are just brilliant! DOM: What about Mr Tang’s three-room flat? Lionel de S.: The HDB will buy all the flats of that few SER blocks and credit the money to the respective lessees’ CPF account. DOM: And they can withdraw all their CPF money when they leave for Mars? Lionel de S.: Of course! We’ll withdraw for them to pay for their one-way trip to the Red Planet. What’s more, the trip is heavily subsidized! DOM: Subsidized? It’s that cost subsidy or market subsidy? Lionel de S.: We shall not go into the details, because….Hey!! Look!! That’s Trillian! She’s another volunteer! Chwee Lian: What volunteer lah? Hey, Lionel! Why you keep calling me Trillian ha? I’m Chwee Lian hor! Not Trillian! DOM: Mr de S., about the subsidies for the space flight….. Lionel de S.: Dominique! Aren’t you going to ask Trillian why she’s raring to venture to Mars? Chwee Lian: Si mi si “raring”? I told you I didn’t volunteer liao hor! I bo lui buy another flat under the SER plan and also you promise me my Ah Boy can switch to EM2 from EM3 class when we go there hor! Lionel de S.: …erm….hehehe…. DOM: You promised these people quality education as well? Who are the Singaporean educational experts going with them? Lionel de S.: There’s none. DOM: Huh? Lionel de S.: The American, our partner, will be providing their expert. DOM: Who may that be? Lionel de S.: It’s Marvin. He’s a robot.   Mr Sim……….He’s a Living Thing. The other night I was surfing through the contents of Youtube. Somehow, I ended up searching for an old pop/rock & rock group, Electric Light Orchestra. I came upon this upload: While I was listening to “It’s a Living Thing”, I couldn’t help but think of the events leading to the killing of Mr Sim Tee Hua. There are times when this clown just digs a hole in the soil and make fun of things, blacking out all the painful things that happening around him. There are times when the bitter reality just confronts him and he has nowhere to hide. The harvesting of Mr Sim’s organs is one of such happenings that are haunting my mind now. To a Buddhist, the person is only dead when he stops breathing and the heart fails. The conscious or the mind can still feel the pain when the body is being cut up. It’s called grasping and that’s why Samsara is filled with pain. Only Bodhisattvas of the eighth level can donate their bodies but how many of such Arya Beings are around? Who dare to certify that Mr Sim is one? I bet only Khawmical Wan is the only one who’s dumb enough to tell everyone “to respect the wish of Mr Sim”. Khawmical Wan is more clownish than this clown. He calls himself a Buddhist without knowing what was said in the Sutra. I tried to avoid joining in the discussion in a couple of threads posted in the Sammyboys. I didn’t want to lose my mind and started to spew real negative remarks at the gahment and those pen-pushers who put on blinkers. However, I did come across a condolence message posted by one of the Sammyboys Brother, DannyBoyNow, which I would have said the same, from my heart. Here’s that post: From: DannyBoyNow 12:18 134785.4 in reply to 134785.1 To the family of the Late Mr. Sim. My heartful condolences. Words cannot even begin to soothe your anguish. Please rest in the comfort that you are not alone in your grieve. Many rightheous Singaporeans have responded to the outrage that your family have suffered needlessly and unhumanely. The indignity and sufferage that you have suffered will not be in vain. Your family’s fearlessness in speaking about the truth despite pressures from the Authorities and the Media will be remembered by those of us who have enough decency to hear your cries of helplessness. We will remember this atrocity. Please take good care of your mother…. Hope that she is coping fine… Respectfully. Dan Fundraiser for the Dead and Run-Road Corrupted Politicians Not too long ago, just before Duraigate, CTV (Clowns’ Television) was approached by a very powerful publishing company, Stooges Publishing House, to help film part of the fundraising show, “The National Krooks Foundation Show”. It could have been something like this: Here’s the transcript of the recording session of a show that was never aired: At the recording studio of CTV, Collin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles, Wayne Brady and Laura Hall were met by Ms Chua. Ms Chua: Thank you gentlemen, and lady, for coming to Singapore to help raise fund for unfortunate politicians…… Collin: Sorry, Drew did not give me more details about this show…… Ms Chua: No worries! Now, this show that you’re involved needs to raise fund to help unfortunate politicians. These politicians could have been honest and incorruptible if they had been paid salary equivalent to their talent. Ryan: Wait a minute. We are here to help crooks? Ms Chua: Not exactly. They would not have been crooks if they were paid handsomely, and therefore, they were actually victims of circumstances. Wayne: Ms Chua…..just in case you don’t exactly know who we are…..We are stand-up comedians. I’m not too sure if our clowning around would go down well to pull the heartstring of the TV audience here in Singapore. Ms Chua: Don’t worry about that. Our people couldn’t think for themselves. We tell them to donate, they will donate. They would understand that everything is always planned and done for their own good! Even for those who could slightly think for themselves, they have no balls to speak up! Alright! Enough said. Here’s the script. CTV crews, get ready!!! Collin: Wait a second! What are these scripts for? We’re improvisational artists! We improvise. Just give us a theme or a scenario….. Ms Chua: That’s no go. Everything has to be properly scripted, vetted and approved by me. I’ll double all your pay for not arguing anymore. Okay! Let’s start. Laura: Even the tune has been selected? Ms Chua: Yes. Laura: “We are the World”? Ms Chua: My personal favourite………… You’re so lucky! You can save the trouble. Alright, people! Start filming! We haven’t got all day! The four foreign talents were ushered into the set and recording started. Ryan: People of Singapore. You’re so lucky to be served by a flawless gahmen! Well almost flawless….. Collin: Yes! And the only flaw that exists doesn’t come from your gahmen! It comes from YOU! Ryan: That’s right! It’s your fault for being stingy with the salaries of these wayward politicians……… great politicians like Pay You Cock and The Jinxed One. Mr Pay may not need to hide in Taiwan and Mr The need not commit suicide if only they were paid with a right sum of money….. Collin: So, come on Singapore! Keep our phones ringing! We want to compensate these, otherwise, honest politicians! While Wayne sings you a nice song, you keep dialing, 1900 8989 889!!! Wayne sings to the tune of “We are the World”: They served their time when their pay was worse than the whores’ When their world was not as elitist as now They have families to feed With caviars and costly stuff, to you Just five plates of kway teow that’s all We can go on, to opt for Pay And Pay So that they, could indulge in sordid decay They are chosen to be a part of the Great famiLEE And the truth, you know, Peanuts are all they need! [Chorus:] We are the Poor, we are the Suckers We are the ones who are made to pay So lets start giving It’s Brutal Truth we’re facing It’s kicking at our balls! To keep them clean, we better pay To LEE and LEE Ms Chua: Cut, cut, cut, cut, CUT!!!!!! WHO ASK YOU TO IMPROVISE???!!!! Wayne: er……………………. A CTV crew approached Ms Chua and whispered urgently. Ms Chua: Alright. Thank you for coming. You may pack up and leave. Our limo will take you guys straight to the airport……… Collin: Don’t we need to have a retake for the last part? Ms Chua: Never mind! This show will not be aired anymore. I’ve just been told that a certain Thamby has just busted our Charity Show Industry. Angmoh wants more than Consumer Protection! The Straits Times has this in its forum page: March 13, 2007 Rising rentals may stem flow of immigrants I READ with interest the article, ‘Immigrants needed for economy to grow by 6%’ (ST, March 9). I am an expatriate and my husband works for a Singaporean international company. With our two children, we have been living in Singapore for almost three years, which we really enjoyed for all the obvious reasons: low crime, efficiency and cleanliness, etc. We have been lucky to have been able to afford to live in District 9 or 10. The company gives us a housing allowance and we pay the balance. However, our apartment has just been sold and the new owners have informed us that there will be an almost 30 per cent increase in rent, which is now totally out of our budget. How does Singapore expect to attract 87,300 people into its workforce when prices in the housing market have soared over the last year? If Singapore needs to attract new citizens and immigrant workers to its shores, then surely something has to be done about the rising housing costs. Also, as many condominiums and houses have been sold en bloc this year, there could possibly be a severe shortage of affordable housing across the island. Suzanne Shields (Ms) The bozos at Clowns’ News Network have heard the noise at the Sammyboys’ den about the Straits Times publishing the above letter instead of letters from locals which may carry more importance than the angmoh’s little inconvenience. We want the view of our honourable foreign talent. So, here’s the transcript of our interview with Ms Shields: DOM: Hi! I’m Dominique from C.N.N. We would like to have your view on the rental hike of this property that you’re staying. May I have an interview with you? Shields: You’re from C.N.N.?! Wow! DOM: er…..C.N.N…..yes…….Clow.. Shields: Come in! Please come in! DOM: Thanks! DOM and Shields sat in a vast living room. DOM: So, Ms Shields. What, in your opinion, is the right rent for the properties of district 9 and 10? Shields: I think it should be halved if Singapore wants to attract Foreign Talents like us to come here. Your own gahman said that we are here to help Singaporeans! So, come on! Show us some hospitality! We are the saviours of this island you know. DOM: What do you think our gahman can do to halve the rental price? Shields: Well, for a start, they can come out with a new legislation, like Consumer Protection……. DOM: Special Consumer Protection Rights for Foreign Talents? Shields: Well, that would be good! DOM: The other possibility that you may like to explore is moving to the HDB heartlands….. Shields: No way! That’s out of the question! DOM: Why? Shields: The locals smell badly! DOM: Is that so? Shields: Yes! This may be caused by their lack of opening of their mouths to speak up. When they open their mouth to speak, all hell breaks lose! DOM: Wow! So, you think there should be more legislation to protect the Foreign Talents? Shields: Oh yes! That’s for sure! We need some law to segregate the Foreign Talents from the locals. You know, something like those laws enacted in Shanghai not too long ago? DOM: erm…..like putting up signage that says: “DOGS and singaporeans not allowed in this park”?! Shields: Yes! That’s quite good an idea to begin with! This smells from the mouths of the locals are impeding us, the Foreign Talents, from doing what we are doing best….. DOM: like being howlian?! Shields: What’s howlian? DOM: Oh, howlian is something like the qualities of the saviour….. Shields: I see. Yes, we Foreign Talents are howlian and we deserved to be housed in District 9 and 10! Another CCTV Leak Following the sacking of a houseman from a certain hospital for his attempt in filming his personal home video of nurses bathing, hospitals all over the island took their own initiatives to set up committees, sub-committees and sub-sub-committees to look into how to prevent future losses of talents. We at C. N. N. (Clowns’ News Network) managed to obtain a copy of the leaked CCTV recording of a meeting of such committees in Thomson & Thompson Specialist Hospital. Here’s the transcript (sorry no picture): Dr Lee H L: Thank you for coming to this final meeting whereby we shall adopt the procedure for T.T.S.H. to prevent the sacking of trainee doctors who have some, erm…just a little…..sexual perversions…..Just a quick recap……. Matron Z Tay: Wait a minute! I thought this committee was set up to help to protect the female staff of this hospital from the intrusion of these sex fiendish housemen! Dr Lee H L: Sister Tay, when I promised to fix the problem, I meant it. There are many faucets to this issue that we’d to look into so that we do not sacrifice anybody’s interest. Please bear with me, the details will follow soon……and er……yes, a quick recap. This committee was set up to look into how we can prevent the trainee doctors, who have just a little sexual deviation, from being sacked. As you may have known, millions of dollars are spent to train these housemen, our future doctors, and we, at the T.T.S.H., have chosen to follow the cue from the Gahment to protect them like our country’s superb investment, Shin Corp. Please be assured that we are not bias towards them. We are very objective in our findings to secure a win-win formula for all concerned. Our Chief Administrator, Mdm Ho will now fill you in with the details. Mdm Ho? Mdm C Ho: Thank you Dr Lee. Based on my research from Dr Samuel Leong’s Cyber Clinic, I found out that there’s only one way to prevent future video filming incidents from happening and that is to satiate the housemen with sex until they are satisfied! Fully satisfied! Totally satisfied! It’s a wonder that our Great Leeder had thought of it long ago……… Nurse F Wong: Excuse me Mdm Ho. May I go to the toilet ha? Mdm C Ho: Ahem!……ok!………..as I was saying, our Great Leeder had all along been fighting for the stratospheric sum of money to be paid to our Ministers so that He could control corruption! When He pays them enough money, these Ministers’ greed would almost certainly be wiped out by itself. We should have seen the parallel way in solving this problem without me actually incurring a pair of sore eyes while reading through all the fabulous reports from Dr Samuel Leong’s Cyber Clinic……. Nurse F Wong came back from the washroom. Nurse F Wong: hehehehehehe……..where were we ha? Mdm C Ho: Ahem!…….Dr Lee, just a little sidetrack from our purpose here. I propose that T.T.S.H. seriously look into buying Dr Samuel Leong’s Cyber Clinic. It’s a good investment like Hardwarezone is to SPH. With this acquisition, we can manage the demand from other hospitals and end users. Dr Lee H L: Good suggestion. I’ll bring this up in my next management meeting. Alright, now we shall listen to our Chief Financial Officer, Mr Durasamy. Mr T T Durasamy: I’ve done a SWOT analysis on this………. There was a knock at the door of the conference room Dr Lee H L: Come in! A goofy looking botak in outlandish gear, sporting a pair of nerdy glasses on his forehead came in. Dr Lee H L: Siang Yu! You’re late! Dr Love: hahahahahahahahahaha!!! Sorry lah! I’ve just come back from Indonesia…..Wah! The minahs there banyak sedap sia! Dr Lee H L: Alright, people, let me introduce. This is Dr Wei Siang Yu. Dr Love: Hello everybody! Please call me Dr Love. Mr T T Durasamy: As I was saying, in my SWOT analysis on the data that Mdm Ho supplied, I identify a lot of opportunities. But, first, let us look at the threats and weaknesses. Our inexperience with soliciting for the housemen could be a major problem. And, if we were to take the suggestion from Dr Leong’s Clinic, the cat 150 will bust our budget while the cat 40 and lower may pose a threat of letting our guys contracting ahem…..undesirable diseases. Ah! However, our strength lies in our large supply of cheap foreign nurses and also the opportunity of identifying the particular fetish need of these housemen and that is, they like older nurses, nurses with whiter than white uniforms and whiter than white lacy underwear. As this whole operation is fully supported by our Ministry of Health, we can claim every cent that we spend on satisfying the sexual needs of these housemen. All my 200 plus secretaries can help to pump out enough letters to the Ministry of Health to claim that we have TEN times more than the number of housemen in our establishment. This will help us to get 90 cents to a dollar for our coffers while leading the authority to believe that we spend every drop of the dollar on our housemen. …….Costs can also be greatly saved from buying uniforms from sex shop because we already have  the real things …….. Matron Z Tay: Wait a minute! Are you saying that we prostitute ourselves?!! Mr T T Durasamy: Not really……we are helping talented people to remain gainfully employed while we gainfully help ourselves to some money…… Nurse F Wong: Sure got money to make or not???? Sorry ha….I’m a bit lost hor…..what do you want us to do in the first place ha? Matron Z Tay: You might as well ask me to sleep with donkeys or SWALLOW YOU-KNOW-WHAT! Mr T T Durasamy: Sister Tay, we can let you have a larger portion of our ….er….little extra income. Matron Z Tay: When do we start and how do we go about doing it? I’m a virgin you know. Dr Lee H L: Now, that’s where our Dr Love comes into play. Siang Yu? Dr Love: Ok! Let’s get to work!…..Wow! It’s hot and stuffy in here…..let me take off my sweaty shirt first……… Disclaimer: All names mentioned are fictional. The Adventure of Stafford Ranger This episode: The Old Insurgents Lionel de S. is the super grassroot leeder from the eastern part of the island. He has a secret identity that only his super hero friends from the All White Odious League know. Lionel de S. is……….Stafford Ranger! Today, his crisis monitor picks up a signal from a certain area. The old folks in that area are working their butts off. The problem is not with the fantastic but dirty, menial works that these people are engaging in, but with the negative remarks that all these ungrateful buggers are incessantly uttering about the magnanimous Gahment! Lionel quickly changes into his all white outfit, and faster than lightning, he cycles from his Staffordshire Mansion to a kway teow stall in AMK hawker centre. Poor old man: Yes? You want $2.50 or $3 one? Want more hum or not? SR: What seems to be the problem? Poor old man: What problem? You want char kway teow or not?! You don’t want please siam! Come! Next please….. SR: Old man! You make good money frying kway teow, what else do you want? Why are you still angry with the gahment?! Poor old man: How do you know I’m angry with the gahment? SR: I know, for I am Staf…….. Poor old man: Aiyah! You know, they know, everybody here also knows lah! Limpeh 83 years old liao still have to work so hard. Don’t work cannot survive! Work liao the whole body ache until die! Kaopeh abit the gahment will die is it? SR: Our Great Leeder is also 83 years old, and he’s still flying around the world, looking for business opportunities for our country! He’s not complaining! Poor old man: Hey! This old man can also do that old man’s work hor! Everyday sit in aircon orpid shiok shiok only. Go out sit big big car, fly around in big big plane, eat good food, shit into gold toilet bowl……..like that limpeh also don’t mind working until 100 hor! SR: erm…..you still have CPF money right? Poor old man: Nearly all went to buy house liao! You think the gahment’s HDB flat is cheap is it?! SR: Of course cheap! It’s subsidized! Poor old man: Nabeh! Subsidized my foot! SR: How about your children? Poor old man: All my children all kena retrenched and have their own problems to take care, how to take care of me? SR: Ah! How about your wife? If she’s not 90, she can still help by joining the workforce to help……. Poor old man: Oi! She’s 90 liao hor! SR: Huh? She’s older than you? Poor old man: Why? Cannot is it? Ah Choo is also older than That Old Man what! SR: Well….. Man queuing behind SR: Oi! You want to buy char kway teow or not? Poor old man: Yes? You want $2.50 or $3 one? Want more hum or not? Man queuing behind SR: $3 one. More hum. FIVE plates please! Stafford Ranger blends into the crowd of old folks who are toilet cleaners, hawker centre cleaners, tissues sellers, card board and drink cans collectors…….the whole bunch of dangerous, ungrateful people that Lionel has vowed to set the record straight with them. The message is important. The message has been communicated. It has been another job well done for……….…..Stafford Ranger! Disclaimer: All names mentioned are fictional and my Stafford Ranger has nothing to do with these Stafford Rangers. Announcement. Dear ALL, Bro Scroobal has not updated his Tales from the Istana in the Sammyboys forum yet. So, while we wait for his next episode, this unfunny clown may try to write some unfunny stuff here. Please bear with me! Cheers! DOM Tales from the Istana (Episode 14) (by Scroobal, Sammyboy’s resident playwright laureate) Behind the Guardhouse - 23C, slight drizzle, with teasing smell of strong coffee in the air. Old Man: CT good of you to join us. Panjang: Well, I never had an invitation before.   Pres: Alamak! You go home to 3rd Avenue well before 11pm, so it was pointless asking you. Anyway, I come here to smoke my beedi and Boss only comes when he is bored or has something on his mind.   Old Man: I told him last week to meet me at Jurong Hill and we had a healthy discussion and thats when I told him about joining us behind the guardhouse.   Pres: Oh shit! You guys met at Jurong Hill Restaurant?! What’s going on? Something in the air?   Panjang: When Harry slipped me the note just before the weekly cabinet meeting, I wondered why Jurong Hill Top Restaurant too.   Pres: There are 2 people that know about Jurong Hill, Boss and me. Old Man: I first began using the Hill Top restaurant for quiet meetings in the 70s. It was isolated then and it remains isolated now. The Teppanyaki is the best in the world because Keng Swee promised the Japanese the best Japanese food to get them to invest in Jurong. To keep it exclusive, they continued to have the same 70s decor and they never advertise.   Pres: It also turned out be the safest place to discuss clandestine matters as no Singaporean visits the location. Go there at 2pm on a Tues and its dead quiet.   Old Man: Anyway the reason why we met was that I suspected that both CT and me were going to be ousted from the cabinet. Pres: By your son? Panjang: We are not sure if it’s Loong or someone behind him. We are not sure. I thought it was Harry until he asked me to meet him.   Pres: This is better than smoking beedi and drinking strong coffee. Tell me more.   Panjang: Can I get a shot of the coffee? Smells shiok!   Old Man: We got it from the guards. Their usual supervisor, the arsehole who screwed me and Bro is away on 2 weeks holiday. So no problem, we can talk for hours. Anyway the coffee powder comes from Java as one of the Guard is a Javanese and his relatives sends it too him. Its damn shiok when you mix it with Nestle condensed milk.   Pres: So, what is going on in cabinet?   Old Man: Lately, the younger chaps have been overly kind to us and they have been suggesting rest and more golf. I also noticed that my comments don’t get much attention. Panjang: Yeah, I have been told to work on charity matters and organize charity golf tournaments. At first I thought they were ribbing me about my wife and NKF, but it seems to be something else now.   Old Man: I suspect it is the Thai investment debacle but the thing that floored me was the 20 years sentence for hitting an MP. Gosh, in the 50, 60 and 70s, I went house to house, kampung to kampung, union to union, to campaign. I was pushed into a drain but I never asked for such a ridiculous law! The younger generation of MPs has no balls at all! Is their blood bluer than the rest of us? Even a policeman who faces danger because of the nature of his work, does not get that kind of protection.   Panjang: You know parking wardens have been asking for special laws but we said no. Then this bullshit surfaces.   Pres: Who started it?   Old Man: That’s the puzzle. It appears that there were 2 cabinet meetings and the charade was the one that we attended.   Pres: This is serious shit!   Old Man: Of course it is serious shit. I have only used Jurong Hill a few times and it is always for serious business. Remember the last meeting was with Mahathir on merger.   Panjang: The question is, why me?   Old Man: What do you mean why you? What about me?   Panjang: Aiyah! Harry, you have ruled this country from Day 1. Even the Sammyboy forummers know it. Just ask Rover. Why do you think when I ran the country, I would raise a new policy for discussion at Cabinet meeting, after getting everybody to agree, and then, made substantial changes during the press conference time, when journalist query about the impact?…..Well,….. I know you would never agree!   Old Man: Me? What about you? You are fine one to talk. What about your wife and NFK? ….And also…..you really put your foot in your mouth with your promise of the Swiss standard of living. Fuck! What were you thinking man? We can’t even assure Singaporeans of job when they turn 40!   Panjang: You think I am the silly one? Guess who came out with the long hair policy and sending Kitaro home?   Old Man: I did not send Kitaro home! He refused to cut his hair at the airport and he chose to go home.   Pres: Please gentlemen! You both had your share of fuck-ups! Let’s not get into this. I am just keen to find out who are the usurpers ……. I suspect I know the answer.   Old Man: Pray tell who.   Pres: I think it is the repeat of the Ong Teng Cheong affair. You know all 3 of you were dead keen on golf and both of you refused to give up your slots to Ong who had the right to the course as he was the President. The 2 of you then decided to move the President to Command House and that’s when he summoned the Accountant Genneral to investigate the National reserves.   Panjang: You think so? Maybe we should just casually mention at the next cabinet meeting that we prefer to play at Island Country Club and that we will give up our Istana slots.   Old Man: Are you mad? I have never missed a round of golf at the Istana since 1959 if I am not away. That’s 48 years of using the course!   Panjang: What is more important? Golf or cabinet?   Old Man: That’s the trouble with you. Never take the easy way out. Fight and stand.   Panjang: You are a fine one to speak of courage. I had the courage to promise the Swiss standard of living……..Hey! Come to think of it, you’d never ever promised them anything except a knuckle duster and detention without trial!   Pres: Gentleman! Gentleman! Calm down! We are not making progress. By the way, I could never understand why you guys need to be in Cabinet. Boss, you had over 30 years at the top…….And CT, you’ve 14 years at the top. Why don’t you guys relax and enjoy retirement like me.   Old Man: You know I cannot let go. I just cannot. Panjang: I will only step down if he goes. If not, Singaporeans might think that I was ousted.   Pres: I give up! Today is the worst discussion that I had ever had behind the guardhouse. It is so shallow and no substance. I am sure you will not see our discussion here in Sammyboy. I don’t know about you, but I believe that a certain stingray is calling out to me from Cuppage Plaza. Old Man: I will join you Panjang: Can I come?   Old Man: I am not too sure. They will certainly recognize you because of your height. Pres: Let him come. It is usually the Japs from the Japanese niteclubs and the rest are also foreigners. It is however best to roll up your sleeves and change to a pair of slippers with the guards. You are overly dressed for the night………..Come on! Let’s go!   Tales from the Istana (Episode 13) (by Scroobal, Sammyboy’s resident playwright laureate) Sri Temasek, Master bedroom (aka. Emerald Suite) - 10pm, 22C, aircon set on oscillation mode with timer set to switch off at 6.00am  Old Man: That bugger Chee needs a slap! Did you see what he posted on the net? Tomorrow Nathan is going to call me and tell me he wants to step down for sure.   Choo: It was bound to happen sooner or later. You guys go and bullshit him that Singaporeans love him and they want him to remain.   Old Man: Aiyah! You deaf or what? I told you for the umpteenth fucking time that nobody’s wants the President’s position and we need to up the salary as a carrot.   Choo: You fucked it up. You had to make it a political position. Which successful captain of industry wants to stand for elections in his twilight years? These guys have won major battles all their life and they are not going to take a gamble and lose.   Old Man: What gamble are you talking about? If they are good, they will be elected.   Choo: Old man, your memory is really slipping. Remember the first elections? You got Chua Kim Yeow and Teng Cheong to stand. They were going to think that you were also going to do the same. Then the next thing you knew was NTUC turned up and declared the support for your chosen candidate.    Old Man: Ah! Don’t twist and turn.    Choo: What twist and turn? Don’t you realize that both the successful candidates, Ong and Nathan, had Union background? The captains of the industry have always had no respect for the unions. Especially the ball carriers and pap MPs who can’t get regular jobs, they must support them with Union assets.   Old Man: If you so fucking smart, what do you suggest? (top of voice, screaming)    Choo: Can you stop screaming you old fart? Tony and the household staff can hear you!   Old Man: Don’t worry about Tony, he knows us too long. He can’t be bothered. Anyway, don’t change the subject.   Choo: Firstly, I would not have made it political. I would have made the Auditor General the chair of a panel of distinguished individuals who will oversee the reserves. That panel is only answerable to the President and the Parliament.   Choo: By the way, no mention why he got $500K increment last year and $100K this year. Did he get a hole in one at the Istana links or what?   Old Man: I give up. How many times must I tell you we are increasing it to attract people to run for the presidency and to avoid the debacle like the last time?   Choo: Ah Ha! You admit it was debacle! Fuck the guy from the PAP who could not even run a condominium management council and he wanted to be the President. By the way, where do you find these assoles to be PAP members?   Old Man: I take exception to you calling them assholes. They are pillars of society. They are why Singapore is a success.   Choo: Don’t talk cock. I have seen them. They have been in the party for donkey years, with their tongues hanging out, hoping to be an MP. And every elections, you guys do the tea party thing and get Singapore’s best when they are young, impressionable and tell them it’s for the country and give a token entry to 1 or 2 Pap members. Even these one or two, can’t get regular jobs themselves, they must be given jobs in the town council.   Old Man: If you think you’re so smart, why don’t you run the country? Nabeh! You only know how to talk!   Choo: Hello?! I am the smart one in this family. I got the Queens scholarship. You could not even get a bursary. I made Lee and Lee what it is today! ………AND!!…In case you didn’t realize it, my son is running the country now!   Old Man: That’s what you think! I think someone else wears the pants in that house and we’re going to have Tom Yom soup for years to come.   Choo: Old man! I am getting sick and tired of your nonsense! Just log in onto Sammyboy and read the number of people that want you to graciously step down. Even the SPH guy said that. If you retire, you and your good buddies can go to Tiong Bahru every morning for breakfast!   Old Man: Well…….I’ve got to admit it……..the Chwee Kueh is killer. Do you know the secret is in the chilli?   Choo: Can we talk about Stanley Ho?   Old Man: I’ve got a headache and its best that I sleep now. Good night Choo!   Choo: Ok lah! Good night Ling!   Downstairs - Staff Kitchen   Tony: Everynight, same story.   Dollah: You know, I think Maam would have made a better leader.   Devi: Please lah! If she was the leader, Tan Wah Piow would have been hung and Chia Thye Poh would be shot on the first day!   Chia: You guys keep on talking cock. Everyday, I only worry whether my CPF can look after me during retirement while you guys still have so much cock to talk! Go back to sleep. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day.  Fucking Nathan wants me to service the golf buggy. He thinks he is Dennis Lian!   Tony: Ok, Ok! Goodnight everyone. Tales from the Istana (Episode 12) (by Scroobal, Sammyboy’s resident playwright laureate)Behind Istana Guardhouse - 11.30pm, 22C, strong breeze, sound of palm fronds rustling. Hip hop music coming from the guardhouse. Old Man: Hey, Bro. Did you get the call as well?   Pres: Yeah boss, what a rude bugger.   Old Man: At first I thought one of my friends was pulling my leg when I first got the call. Then I realized that I don’t have any and this guy sounded very different. I still don’t know how he got through the switchboard.   Pres: Boss, no switchboard anymore. PABX DID goes straight through to your secretary. Did you give your number to anyone?   Old Man: I don’t even know what my number is!  How did he get your number then?   Pres: I suspect he got it from Pizza Hut. You know, I get hunger pangs in the middle of the night. Anyway this guy said, “Move your butt! ” and something about $2.5M and that the holidays are over and the guys from Sammyboy need an update.   Old Man: So what the hell does this guy want? I just rushed back from Vietnam, fucking tired you know, trying to get business for this ungrateful country.   Pres: I thought you go to these countries and tell them how to run their country?! Anyway I tell you what has been bugging this country the longest.   Old Man: GST??………….. CPF??…………..Or…… Carpark ??!!   Pres: No lah! It’s HDB subsidy!   Old Man: Please lah! Even Chiam acknowledged he was wrong. What the fuck they can’t understand?!   Pres: I think what Chiam said was that it was a mistake not to do his homework before he raised it in parliament.   Old Man: Look! Nobody is swindling them! There is a cost and unfortunately it is an expensive one because land is scarce.   Pres: You know most of us, our friends and colleagues can’t be bothered because we live in private property but whenever this topic comes up, I got to admit it does not sound right. And you know, I am the President and it’s bugging me. I also can’t understand why we can’t even trust out people with out figures.   Old Man: Ok, ok. Maybe I was too hasty. Let’s start from the beginning. You know right that land has to be acquired, access roads built, infrastructure such as sewage pipes, substations, etc put in place…………   Pres: I don’t think you understand. 85% of the country lives in HDB flat right. They use their income including a large portion from their CPF to pay for it…..well, at least the vast majority of them do. You follow me?   Old Man: Yep!   Pres: Do you agree that monthly installment is a sizeable chunk of the income. In many cases it’s at least A THIRD of their income!   Old Man: Yep! Where is this going?   Pres: Why then is there a subsidy? The owners, sorry the lessees rather, can’t understand that after contributing such a large portion of their hard earned income, the Govt insist that they have been given a handout! Of course they would feel an emptiness there! They feel that despite working hard for their families and contributing to the country, 85% of our countrymen feel they can’t even buy a house on their own!   Old Man: But what about total costs?   Pres: Maybe we should re-examine cost starting from the purchase of the land right down to the cost of each brick. Remember Chiam upgraded the lifts in one of his neighbourhood at a much cheaper cost that even surprised the HDB?   Old Man: You mean we should hold a public inquiry?   Pres: Don’t get mixed up! The public inquiry is for the Health Ministry and the external auditors in the NKF Fuck-up! That one we tackle after Durai, Yong and company lose their pants. What we need is a white paper on the cost breakdown using one of housing estates as an example that even a dumbfuck like Jimmy Phoon from Temasek can understand. Let’s aim for Primary 6 level so that everyone is clear including Chee.   Old Man: Bro, you asking me to backtrack, I might look silly after all these years.   Pres: I won’t worry too much. After the 2nd Language debacle that took you a generation to realize and the Suzhou affair………. they know you are human after all.   Old Man: Now I see your point. What the fuck! How come the bloody MPs never come and tell me this in the first place? Need to kick their bloody butts!   Pres: Aiyah! We hold the distinction of having the only western parliamentary model where no private bill has ever been raised except by an NMP, Walter Woon. Embarrassing, Boss. What is even dumb is that grassroots leaders who actually stay in HDB flats, they should be the one asking us questions! Bunch of ball carriers!   Old Man: Actually I expected the P65 MPs to raise such issues instead of writing kiss ass GST support articles on their blog. What a bunch of wankers!   Pres: Hey, talking about MPs. Wahlau! The Graham bugger’s quite lucky.   Old Man: Please lah, she is 42.   Pres: Alamak! For us 72 is already cradle snatching. Hey, how come she is holding the 2 main events in Scotland and Penang? I thought she is already a Singaporean?   Old Man: Hey man! Don’t look at me! Nobody tells me anything anymore. Got to admit she is the chiobu among the single ladies.   Pres: I say the SYT got to be Eunice.   Old Man: Yah lah! Not bad but you haven’t seen the Traffic Woman Police Officer in the afternoon detachment at the side gate. Alamak with her high boots and that domineering look, all she needs is a whip!   Pres: Boss, Aiyah! That woman is gay lah! I already made inquiries. Some more very stuck-up! I asked her for her telephone, she gave me the finger!   Old Man: Back to the subsidy. What if the analysis shows that there is indeed the cost and thus the subsidy?   Pres: I can’t fathom how a 4 room flat in Sengkang can cost a minimum of $142K and a maximum of $210K. Some more, no tiling, bare walls and floors….. whole flat must be renovated.   Old Man: But who then is going to pay for the total cost?   Pres: Please lah! We pay them a token sum when they do NS,  that you do not think there is a cost but for them it’s truly an opportunity cost. Which is more important National Security or Housing?…………. Look, why the secrecy? Let them have the figures.   Old Man: Maybe we can get one of our new scholars to do the white paper. On the other hand, maybe we should not let them do anything! What if he found out that we have been overcharging all these years?! We might have to refund!   Pres: Get Khaw! He found out that the Govt hospitals were overcharging. He is good at this.   Old Man: I’ve got to convince Loong. The Thai matter is bothering him now.   Pres: Do you want me to talk to the Thai? I got lobang you know.   Old Man: Bro, some days things fly past you. He is not worried about the Thais, he needs to address you know who and to tell her she can’t keep fucking up with the People’s money………….Hey, I am hungry. You want to go to Simpang Bedok. I feel like having Satay, BBQ stingray and a big cup of teh alia.   Pres: Boss, that’s music to my ears. Hey I know what we can do. Let’s ask Ah Tee to come along. You know Ah Tee?? He’s the contractor who builds houses in the East for up and coming yuppies. Maybe he can tell us what the cost is like while we have supper.     Old Man: Good idea! Ask him to bring his pick-up and we can sit behind. Along the way we can pick up Othman too.    Pres: I also want to ask you about Loong’s succession plan.    Old Man: I have no clue.   Pres: I say Chee Hean.   Old Man: Bro, all I can think of now is Stingray, with lime and chilli. Mmmmmmm sedap! Make the call to Ah Tee! Tales from the Istana (Episode 11) (by Scroobal, Sammyboy’s resident playwright laureate)Behind Istana Guardhouse - 11.30pm, 24C, breeze from the NE. Old Man: Hey, Bro! We need to organize our talk cock sessions better. We’ve bad comments from the Sammyboy lot.   Pres: Aiyah! We are going to hit 90 soon, what do they expect from us? Anyway it’s only a talk cock session.   Old Man: Friend, let me remind you that we got image to uphold. Even Choo said our last dialogue was wishy-washy.   Pres: Is Choo still addicted to Sammyboy?   Old Man: She got nothing to do but also I think she is obsessed with QXP tarnishing the family name.   Pres: I thought QXP cooled down and it is now Uncle Yap who’s stirring up things.   Old Man: Uncle Yap is ok, good heart, really wants to do good for the country but don’t know how to go about it.   Pres: Yeah, poor fellow. By the way, heard that hunger strike can drink glucose. That’s news to me.   Old Man: There we go again, drifting all over the place. Don’t worry, I got this Blackberry that has