Breaking News!!!! Jack Neo’s Sex Menu Dear readers, the following news we are going to break are sibeh breaking indeed. According to a credible source, certain contracts drafted by J Team Productions for it’s female artistes come with certain clauses typed in font size 3. Yes, how sneaky indeed! These are usually located at a separate page affixed to the main contract and given only to female artistes who are not fat and doesn’t look like Patricia Mok. Below is a short sample graciously provided by our source for our viewing pleasure. We salute you sista! Role                                          Tokens needed Calefare                                   1 soft lotion hand job Calefare with dialogues            1 BJ 3rd Supporting Actress            1 BJ + 1 tit-wank 2nd Supporting Actress           1 BJ + 1 tit-wank + 1 Fuck 1st Supporting Actress            1 BJ + 1 tit-wank + 1 Fuck + 1 Golden Shower Lead Actress                            All of the above + multiple entries Special Report on the Singapore Biennale 2008 Singapore up-and-coming and most controversial conceptual artist, H*men Chiong will be performing his most audacious and provocative work to date in conjunction with the ongoing Singapore Biennale. 30 years old H*men, who has a Master in Contemporary Arts from Preston Arts University will defecate in full public view for his performance in the Art Museum. The title of his performance, “I shit therefore I am” is a message directed towards the authorities, media, society, heck basically everyone that piss him off, he said from the couch of his parents home in District 10. H*men Chiong The act, depending on the bowel movement on the actual day, will probably last less than 5 minutes and will take place within a 45×45 inches perimeter cordoned off by white tapes in the main foyer of the museum. Asked for his reasons for doing this act, H*men get agitated and started jabbing his finger in the air saying, “This is a protest to all that are not right in the world today. And we have too many wimps in the local art scene not willing to push the boundary by using art to voice out their disgusts and displeasures. All we see are sculptures, paintings and installations that seems to conform to culture and societal norms. Safe, boring and bordering on retarded.” As the recipient of the prestigious “Young Artist Award for Artistic Excellence” given out by New York’s Reiman S. Wiekenson Arts Foundation this year, H*men also viewed this accolade as acknowledging his innate talents and bestowing upon him the responsibility and burden to take the local art scene forward somewhat like a shepherd herding a flock of lost sheep, thus this performance. “If not me who, if not now when?”, he added with a deadpan expression. And with such a controversial performance, comparison are inevitably being made with artists like Vincent Leow who peed and drank his own urine, Josef Ng who snipped off his own pubic hair and Shannon Tham who vomited into a bucket. But H*men was quick to retort with hints of elitism that it’s an unfair comparison. “Please don’t compare me to them. The values and qualities of our performances are miles apart, miles miles apart.”, he gesticulated with his arms spread out to emphasize the gulf. When questions centering over the vileness and purposelessness of the act were put to the Art Museum, Matthew Ngui, part of the curatorial team for Singapore Biennale 2008 , was quick to defend the rationale for selecting and approving it. “We felt that H*men’s performance art warrant artistic merits regardless of what everyone think. Sure, anyone can defecate, but to do it while conveying a statement of intent, to demonstrate one’s disillusionment with society, with the system and the world at large, that takes a certain amount of talent. I would urge the public to look beyond the surface of the act and think of the underlying message that the artist is trying to send out.” Dissing concerns about the foul smell and sight emanating from the act, he added,”The whole intention of the act is not just to engage and provoke the audience on an intellectual level but also to ‘assault’ and overwhelm all the five human senses so as to achieve the desire impact that the artist wanted. If anyone come expecting an inanely wholesome performance, it’s better that they stay home and stick to Mediacorp programs.” And finally when asked what valuable “insights’ and “enlightenments” he hopes the audience will derived from his performance, H*men just smiled and said,” Actually I don’t give a damn.” And to drive home the point, he lifted a leg and expelled an audible stinker that permeated the whole room within an instant . Other notable attractions at the Singapore Biennale 2008 “Emptiness of the Human Soul” by Alphonse Boucher This modernist masterpiece by the late Frenchman has taken the concept of minimalist painting to a whole new level. The art piece was sold for an astonishing US$25 millions during an auction 5 years ago. Till today, critics and art academics are still debating over the influences and impacts this painting has on the art world. “3000 Bristles and a Suit” by Jason Anthony Ngiam This performance art created a sensation when it debuted at New Museum of Contemporary Art in New York last week. The sight of a man in a suit brushing his teeth in a nonchalant manner has art critics lapping it up and calling the performance “fun and rebelliously chic”. Wall Street Journal has even included Ngiam as the 10 New Faces to Look Out For in its latest arts column. “Table” by Sophie Johansson A replica of Sophie’s own table in her home. This installation art is a continuation of a series of works to illustrate the despondent nature of todays modern urbanites. Others in Sophie’s award winning series include bed, wardrobe, kitchen sink and many many more. Money-Face with Richie Ong What a week. I haven’t felt such adrenaline since indulging in a foursome two months ago. If you haven’t known by now, the past week has been one hell of a ride in the financial market. The collapse of Lehman Brothers, the near collapse of Merrill Lynch and AIG (for now) has triggered a major sell out and bloodletting in Wall Street. The impact is severe with worldwide implications. Just take a look at our own backyard. Above were not Apples fans queuing for the over-hyped iphones. No. These sorry ass were actually worried policyholders who were anxious to terminate their policies at all cost and losses. A predictable move from amateur investors. The ST Index meanwhile, has been competing with our regional rivals to outfall each other, last closing at 2559. Things are looking so bleak that I have to step out of my loft to make a statement to calm the market. Now you must be wondering who the fuck am I if not the Prime Minister to make such a bold statement. I don’t profess to be a man of many talents, but when it comes feeling the pulses and sentiments of the market and maybe chicks, I’m the one the authorities go to. In fact, I have been receiving non-stop calls from ministers, the media and clients since the event unfolded, especially those fucking ministers. Of all time and places, they have to choose to contact me just when me and me girl was busy manoeuvring our bodies to the beat of Tom Jones’s Sex Bomb. To be more specific, Baldy quick-dialed me just when I was about to give me girl a “present” from the rear. The bald one was anxious to know when is the right time to release much needed cash into the market to stabilize it. Whoa whoa, hold it botak, I was saying to myself in between thrusting. We haven’t even get started on the cowgirl and missionary, there’s no urgency for any premature action yet. So I told him,” Tharm, ai zai. The fundamentals of our economy are strong and we should hold out for as long as we possibly could before unleashing it for maximum impact. Any premature release of funds would only render us a laughing stock in the eyes of our neighbours. All in all, we should be able to eh ride out the current crisis.” The next to call when me and me girl were in the middle of our cowgirl routine was Woody. As chairman of our main financial regulator, Woody was exceptionally slow to grasp the severity of the situation until it’s too late. Heck, the man was still talking about Fannie and Freddie when everyone’s focus and attention was on AIG. I have half a mind to grab him by the collar, slap him a few times and tell him to prioritize his issues correctly. Instead, considering my license is to be renewed in the next few days, I reassured him by saying,” Goh, ai zai. The fundamentals of our economy are strong. We’re on top of the situation. Yes, the market maybe shifting back and forth, left and right, up and down, but overall, we’re still maintaining a firm and flexible grip on the situation” The last to call when we were in the last stretch of our copulation was Hairdo Lim. He wanted to hear my recommended “stimulants” to expand the economy and estimated projected growth for next year. By then, me and me girl were reaching a climatic crescendo and the last thing we need was for some joker cutting in and talking about projections and stimulation, so in between agitated heavy panting I said “CHEEBYE! FUCK OFF LAH!” and promptly hanged up on him. On hindsight, what I should have told him in the first place was yes, our economy is undergoing rapid SHRINKAGE at the moment and there are absolutely no potential for any BIG substaintial growth but overall, the fundamentals of our economy remains strong. -Disclaimer- The above writer is a declared bankrupt with a tendency to self hallucinates and in the midst of repaying his debts. Rather than viewing this as a smirch in his career, the writer associate this liability as street cred to be worn on the sleeves. The writer counts among his confidantes, Nick Leeson, Jerome Kerviel and the newly-minted jackass Richard Fuld even though none of them has ever heard of him. Another Open Letter from James Tomez I nearly choked on my meatballs when I collected the newspaper from my doorstep this morning. There on the front page with his usual deadpan expression is our Wong. I remembered asking myself before I proceeded to read the article in full details, what on earth did the fucker do this time round. Well apparently, our Home Team has scored yet another “own goal” by allowing a man with a wrong passport to clear several layers of security at the airport before boarding the plane bound for Ho Chi Minh City. I was like, what the fuck! Again? As if letting our no. 1 terrorist absconded and 2 inmates briefly escaped from custody were not enough, the Home Team deemed it fit to add another to make up a threesome. What the fuck is going on Wong? Are you guys currently the David Villa of screw ups. Are the various agencies having some sort of competition to see who can screw it up bigger, better and more hilarious than the others? Wong, saying you are appalled and flabbergasted are not enough. I myself was appalled and flabbergasted when my GP diagnosed me with erectile dysfunction. But did the fact absolve me from my responsibility towards procreation as dictated by my religion? No Wong no. In my case, I took full responsibility. I divorced my wife. Who am I to deny her the chance to experience the joy of pregnancy albeit by another man. Likewise, who are you to deny another capable person from taking over from you after a hat-trick of screwed ups by your ministry under your stewardship. Sometimes it takes a man to admit he fucked it up big time. Sometimes, a midget. But regardless of shapes and sizes, Wong, it’s time for you to step up to the plate, and took full responsibility for all the ineptitude as displayed by your men. While you are at it, it doesn’t hurt to offer a formal apology and knowing you as a jerk who’s totally oblivious and clueless about showing any remorse, here’s a video to help you out. Pay special attention to DOGE-FUSE. Comment on Winter Sonata by jason veli funny… lolz… =D Comment on Winter Sonata by Joshua wahahahahahaa Comment on Winter Sonata by 龟头 damn funny~~~~!…. no matter how many times i read it…. still laugh the hell out of me~~~! Comment on Winter Sonata by Sihui yes. LMAO. HAHA Comment on Cheeky Times Launches “The Peasant” by TAN SIN YINE THEY VERY PREVERT WHY MUST KNOW FIONA XIE CUP SIZE? Comment on An Open Letter From James Tomez by cheeky Haha. thanks. been lazing around lah. Comment on An Open Letter From James Tomez by moomooman Son of the Bitch!! I don’t mean Wong kan Seng. I meant you, Cheeky! Your production of 1 post every 6 months is more than: 1.) Number of movies Jack neo make in a year. 2.) Number of terrorists escape from detention centre since Independence. 3.) The number of Past Prime Minister with Surname Lee. 4.) The number of Past Prime Minister with Surname Goh. 5.) The number of sex Edison Chen make since Feb 2008. Nevertheless… Welcome back! An Open Letter From James Tomez As I lounged in my Pierro Lissoni designed sofa with my copy of the Straits Times yesterday, I was immediately taken aback to read about the escape of our country no. 1 terrorist Mas Selamat or “Maha” Selamat as he’s known to all his followers by now from our detention centre. To say I was disturbed is an understatement. To say I was disgusted is not an exaggeration. My entire belief in our country’s security system has been literally shaken to the core. My confidence on our Government’s readiness to tackle international terrorism has plunged by a few hundred notches and is still plunging. But what was more appalling was to see the manner the Home Affair Minister reacted to questions raised by the MPs in Parliament. Our Wong made a half-hearted apology before providing half-baked answers to queries from the MPs in his usual nonchalant demeanour. Fuck, he even made time to put on a smile here and there in a pathetic attempt to soften the tension and lighten up the mood in the house. To that I can only say “FUCK YOU!” This is no laughing matter Wong. Your vague standard ministerial response to any uncomfortable questions posed is no longer applicable in this instance. We are talking about a dangerous terrorist with an Al Qaeda mindset and a PAP ego. A terrorist with the ultimate aim to cause massive destruction and casualties in our tiny island city state. In fact, the thought of having such person loitering among us send a shiver right down to my balls. The anxiety that I experienced after learning of this news was so severe that I lost all appetite to finish my plate of Swedish meatballs and THEY WERE DAMN DELICIOUS MIND YOU! Your half-fucked apology is not enough Wong. You must explain. Explain why a terrorist walking with a limp could somehow managed to escape a heavily guarded compound not in the night but in broad daylight. Explain why a terrorist walking with a limp can avoid detection for so long even though the authority has expended so much manpower and resources in this manhunt. Wong, saying sorry is just not enough this time round. Sorry also must explain. Disclaimer: The writer is writng in his own capacity as a concerned citizen and the views and opinions expressed here are clearly his and his alone. Cheeky Times bear absolutely no responsibility to whatever is written here. In fact, to protect our own asses, we’ll even go as far to say that the editors for this blog are complete illiterate. Comment on About by Jam You can dream, but leave the plurals for two instead of one :p Comment on Cheeky’s First Short Film by Cheekie Laugh my tears out! Comment on Cheeky’s First Short Film by Fr0g Dear Mr Cheeky, Fr0g would like to let you know that your LIFE IN MOTION very indeed truly speechless solid GOOOOOOODD!! Fr0g is pleased to inform you that this film of YOURS will be nominate to the “GOLDEN FR0G award 2008″ You will hear from me again with the GREAT NEWS!! Still tune! Cheer! Fr0g^__^ Ang moh Backpackers Cheeky really can’t stand ang moh backpackers.  Their bullshit and boasting have no limits. One nerd said he’s taking 2 years off to travel, to seek enlightenments and find himself (roll eyes). And quite a few are vegetarians. And Cheeky was like “wow, can these people be any more pretentious?” As cheeky is typing this, an ang moh bitch is busy boasting her exploits in Hong Kong and Bangkok. Hello, maybe she’s talking about her sexual exploits, hur hur. Got time Cheeky will elaborate. Day 3 Meiji shrine. Nearly can’t find the place because cheeky tried to act smart and alighted at the Yoyogi instead of Harajuku. The guidebook say the shrine next to Yoyogi Park mah so alight at Yoyogi made sense to cheeky loh. Tio boh? Luckily Meiji shrine Japanese characters same as Chinese, so Cheeky wrote down the name on a paper and asked people around. The shrine is like our Fort Canning park. A lot of couples go there to take photos. Only different is the Japs dun smile when taking wedding photos wan. See all so solemn looking. Cheer up dudes. 2. Yoyogi Park. Cheebye guidebook again. First say Meiji shrine next to Yoyogi Park. Then say can walk over to Yoyogi since nearby mah. Ninnabeh. Walk from Meiji to Yoyogi can DIE OK! Anyway, rented a bike there and ride along a bit. 3. NHK Broadcast centre. There got studiopark open to public but must pay. 200 Yen. A bit boring. The tour last not more than 30 mins. Had lunch there. Cheebye, to purchase the food, you must buy a ticket from an automatic machine and no English instructions. So cheeky anyhow tikam lah. Bought wrongly bought kids meal. Cheebye. The portion actually looked smaller than shown. Luckily not many people in the restaurant. Sia suay sia. 4. Walked over to Shibuya . See a lot of Gothic Lolita aka Japanese lians. cheeky took a few pictures, then don’t feel safe so continued to Shibuya Station to see the famous bitch No not the bitches above but this bitch 5. Tokyo Government Metropolitan Building. Cheebye guidebook say nearest station is Shinjuku. Nearest your head cheebye. Folks the nearest station is actually Tochomae. Fuck you lah Lonely Planet. Being a kiasu Singaporean, Cheeky decided to whacked both north and south observatories on the 45th floor. 6. Ginza. Much bigger and better version of Orchard Road. This place is divided into many chomes, 1-7 Cheeky thinks. Tackled 3 chomes already buay tahan liao. Heart willing but legs not willing, boh pian so went back hostel. And one more thing, cheebye guidebook say must go Sony building. But nothing fantastic lah. Really know how to overhype. Cheebye guidebook. Bonus photo for the day. Chiobu@Yoyogi Park. Day 2 Cheebye. The day didn’t start off well. Took the train all the way to Mitaka to buy the entrance ticket to Ghilbli Museum but turned out that the agency JTB has ended their contract with them. and the fuck thing about Ghilbli is that they don’t sell their tickets at the door. You have to either purchase it in advance in their branch overseas (Singapre is not one of them) or buy it via Lawson, a convenience store similar to 7-11. So lan lan lah but since already here, must at least take some photos from outside tio boh? If you must purchase the tickets, do it few days beforehand as they are easily sold out. Ueno Park. This park ok lah, got a lot of museums and their Zoo, the Ueno Zoo is damn popular with the Japanese. Jam packed sia, But I didn’t go lah, just glance glance from the outside happy already. Tickets not cheap ok. 3. Ameyayokcho. More glamourous version of our pasar malam. Didn’t buy anything because hello this is still Japan, pasar malam or not. 4. Akihabara. Ok only lah since cheeky is not a big electronics products fan. But since Lonely Planet say must go then go loh. but 30 minutes Cheeky sian liao. Mean really really sian. 5. Went back hostel. Told you sian already what! Bonus clip from a park performer Sora Aoi Here I come Bullet points of events so far (will update more eloquently when cheeky has the time) 12th Oct 2007  Woke up @630am Reached airport terminal to store luggage Took the train back to the office Work Knocked off @1pm Took the train immediately to the airport Checked in Transit @Bangkok. Banged some Thai chicks. Reached Narita @ 0723am Stored Luggage Took the train to Narita city (nice place) Went back airport to retrieve luggage Made the journey to K’s House Checked in Walked over to Sensoji shrine Took the train to Roppongji Took a LONGGGGGG walk to Tokyo Tower. (cheebye, don’t ever trust the guidebook) Back to Hostel (sibeh tired) Zzzzzzzzzz Cheeky is on Facebook Ok due to Eddyboi’s raving review of Facebook, cheeky decided to sign up for an account just to see what actually is the big deal about it. A quick browse of the networks reveal that Facebook is indeed a class apart from Friendster. For one thing, there are less of those childish, preening 16, 17 years old punks infesting the social networking website. What you get is a different demographic group altogether, a more mature sophisticated network of preening working adults ( Heck, even cheeky’s boss is on Facebook). Over at Friendster, you have impressionable teenagers sending smileys (yawn….) to their friends or posting lengthy praising testimonials of their friends (Tish gurl here ish miie sista.. real blood sista.. she horx berii cuttiex derr lorrx.. hehex.. ii love euu manz.. ) just so they hope these friends could reciprocate the same gesture on their profiles. How lame is that? No no no. We uber-cool people @Facebook (see how Cheeky make use of the abbreviation in this context, how cool is that) do things a little differently with a bit more class because we know life is more than just a popularity test. Over @Facebook we don’t do smileys. We poke people and if you feel you are up to it, you can even mass poke a whole group of people till your hearts content, and the amazing thing is, Facebook actually limit the number of pokes you can use just so to make sure your poke is a high quality one. So right now cheeky is busy contemplating, selecting and compiling a list of people to poke over the weekend and if you are game enough, why don’t you sign up too and give cheeky a few pokes here and there. Cheeky’s Poking Checklist Individuals to be poked: 1) Maria Ozawa and Sora Aoi (Cheeky is gonna to poke you like you never been poked before) 2) Jeanette Aw 3) Jessica Alba 4) Rui En 5) Lin Ziling 6) Jeon Ji Hyun Groups to be mass poked: 1) All the female newscasters @Channelnewsasia 2) All the female journalists @Straits Times (only the chio ones, so the likes of Ong Sor Fern, Cheong Suk Wai can go poke themselves) 3) All the gorgeous people who had ever graced the cover of FHM Groups to be mass poked with a large object: 1) PAP (you guys are so gonna to be poked for all the price hikes in recent months) 2) Singnet (here’s a court order so shut the hell up and lay still . . . and stop crying!) Singnet, You Fucking Chao Cheebye Cheeky is disappointed – very disappointed that his ISP didn’t even bother to put up a fight in the ongoing Odex saga (not that cheeky is an anime fan). They basically just rolled over, pulled down their pants and gave Odex an open invitation to sodomise them. Fuck, not even dispatching a lawyer to attend the hearing. This is it man. Cheeky is changing his ISP once his contract expired. Luckily cheeky only download Hentai. Cheeky is suffering from nose bleed This show damn power. Made cheeky’s nose bleed from morning until night, but the process itself is shiok. Starring one of his idols also, Sora Aoi. Cheeky’s First Short Film Oh man, I’m seriously neglecting this blog of mine but there’s a reason for it. I’ve been busy with my short film lately. This little project of mine has taken 6 months to make, from writing the script to on location shooting and finally post-production. The script itself has to be written 5 times before I’m satisfied with it. This is what I call dedication to my craft sia. To add to the glam factor, the film was shot entirely on location in Hong Kong. Uh huh, you heard that right, Hong Kong ok. Either you give it your all or you don’t do it at all. That’s always a mantra that I adhere to. Anyway, I had a private screening for some of my peer in the industry over the weekend and I must say the response has been pretty encouraging and positive. Eric Khoo called it “mind boggling” while rubbing the bulge of his. Roystan Tan said he can hardly wait for the full feature and Tan Pin Pin with reddened eyes and runny nose clenched my hands and kept saying “Thank you, thank you so much.” As for Jack Neo, well, when I told him it’s an arthouse film before the screening, quickly excused himself and never came back. Ong Soh Fern from the Straits Times talked the most cock and I quote her, “A film that convey the despair and loneliness of a man in his quest to find his true self and identity will surely resonate with most audience today including myself as the film seek to explore the underlying reason as to why the protagonist did what he did in the film. Cheem and powderful stuff sia!” And lastly, Yuni Hadi brushed past me, winked and slipped a note into my pocket and muttered,” Call me.” before she left the premises. Wah lau, seriously man, it’s only a short film, don’t need to be so dramatic lah guys. I know by now most of you should be really curious and totally worked up by all the hypes and excitements generated by my short film so without further ado, ladies and gentlemen . . . “Life In Motion” If you don’t understand the film, it’s ok. Art-house is like that wan.  Twister Wussy By Roving Reporter May 25, 2007 Cheeky Times After an absence of a year, Twister Wussy made yet another limp entrance to the Singapore shoreline yesterday afternoon. Like in yesteryear, apart from generating gawks and stares from onlookers, Twister Wussy was perfectly happy just twirling and swirling on its own little acres of water and minding his own business. Unlike his brother Andrew and second cousin Katrina, creating havoc and causing mass panicky across the land was clearly not on his agenda. Heck, forget even about swirling cows and rampages across town, Twister Wussy has his plate full just rotating himself. His passive demeanor was so startling among his family of tornados and hurricanes that one Mr Soh was overheard complaining to his friends that “this tornado got no balls sia”. American tourist Mike Wallance labelled Twister Wussy as the most pathetic hurricane he has ever witnessed in his life, “what a wimp!”, he added for good measure. And after what seemed like a brief 5 minutes or so since its appearance, Twister Wussy spiralled and dissipated into oblivion with no harm or damages done to the city state, an act that surely justified his name. Tourists Melanie and her son’s reactions to Twister Wussy appearance Update: The Meteorological Services, in a statement, said Twister Wussy is actually a waterspout. Chey. David Blaine’s Street Magic-Spoof (Sibeh funny!) Encik Tan Has Something To Say Yesterday Encik Rahim pointed out a discussion going on on the internet to me. Wah damn surprise that the old fuck can surf other things other than porn. Anyway he was telling me about this thing call the CEP use by all government bodies including SAF to gauge employee lah. CEP according to Rahim stands for Current Estimated Potential. Simi lan you might be asking. I said the same thing to Rahim and the old fuck explain that CEP is actually used by the big shots to measure your worth and potential to an organisation wor. The more tok kong your CEP the faster you get promoted lah. If your CEP got many digits like our ministers salary, don’t need to do sai kang liao, fuck Cpt, fuck Colonel straight away jump to BG liao. Rahim add that everyone is already assigned a score even before you start work based on your education level, your CCA (again simi lan) and what color horse you are (unless you are PM Lee’s son lah, in which case, you are labelled a unicorn liao). He add that all the cheebye scholars and white horse officers usually start off with a higher CEP and so can get promoted easier compared to the rest. Cheebye what kind of a fucking assessment is that. It’s like instead of needing to jog 6 rounds for 2.4, scholars and white horse need only to wayang round the track 3 times and they still get credited for gold. Anyway the CEP got me thinking about my own CEP since lim peh haven’t been promoted for very long liao. So yesterday I went to see my CO. I ask the fucker, “SIR I like to know my CEP SIR!” The fucker looked at me and said “huh?”. So I repeat lah, ” SIR I LIKE TO KNOW MY CEP SIRR!” The son of a bitch looked at me again and said, “eh, Tan what for you want to know?” So I told him becos I long time no promotion so would like to know. If I’m condemned, at least I want to know how condemn I am mah. 是不是这样讲先! The fucker then said “Tan it’s better that you don’t know lah. What for upset yourself”. Lan Jiao! I upset myself is my business. Lim peh said NO! Die die today must know. Low score neber mind, but still must know. So the asshole took a deep breath and said, ” Tan . . your CEP . . . actually you don’t have a CEP lah.” !!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok cheebye just what the fuck was that suppose to mean. I thought everyone got one CEP. Condemn also must have one CEP tio boh? You mean lim peh worse than a condemn hah? Cheebye! The asshole continued,” Tan, actually those with education level of Sec 2 and below, don’t need a CEP wan. I’m very sorry lah.” and then he patted my shoulder like a doctor telling someone his Ah Bu did not make it. Cheebye. I then asked him then how he determine when I should get promoted, the cheebye looked at his watch and said,” haha sorry Tan but I got a parade to inspect lah, really sorry lah” and off he ran. Cheebye, that day where got parade. Chao Cheebye!   World class security in action Scene: Somewhere, don’t know where but somewhere in an internationally renowned airport A mother and daughter approaching the departure gates. Mother 30 plus, daughter about 9 years of age. They stop in front of a rotund slightly obese female security officer Female security officer: Mdm I need you to take off your shoes. Daughter: Mummy why they want you to take off your shoes hah? Mummy: Oh becos they scare I put bomb in my shoes wor. Female security officer: Excuse me, what did you say? Mummy: I said you scare I put bombs in my shoes wor. Female security officer: Kanninah, say again Mummy: I SAID YOU SCARE I PUT BOOOOMBS IN MY SHOE WOR! Female security officer: CHAO CHEEBYE. *whistle* Stephen over here! A rotund obese male security officer swagger over Male security officer: Yo? Female security officer: This bitch said bomb twice Male security officer: NABEH! Mummy: I was only explaining to my daughter wat! Female security officer: Doesn’t matter. you said bomb twice. Mummy: You also said wat! Female security officer: Doesn’t matter. I wear uniform. I tua kee. Male security officer: Wah cannot. Very serious must inform sarge already Male security officer: *talking over his walkie talkie* Neh to sarge, neh to sarge. Roger over Sarge over walkie talkie: Apa deh? Male security officer: Sarge, problem here, someone mentioned the word bomb twice Sarge over walkie talkie: *gasp* CHEEBYE! BE RIGHT THERE! A skinny sergeant swagger over Sarge: Nabeh did you say BOMB! Female security officer: Sarge not the girl lah, the mother Sarge: Nabeh did you say BOMB! Mummy: I was only trying to explain to my daughter! Aiyoh Sarge: CANNOT! YOU CANNOT ANYHOW SAY BOMB! CANNOT WAN! This one very serious Female security officer: Sarge so how? Sarge: Think must inform state police. Mummy and daughter slap foreheads. DIU . After 20 minutes of clarification State Police: Cheebye Sarge: Tell me about it State Police : Referring to you lah dickhead! Cont: Mdm I’m very sorry over the whole incident but that’s what you get when you outsourced everything to monkeys *turning to the three monkeys* cheebye, next time use a bit of common sense can? . 10 minutes later, an Indian man rushing towards the depature gate Indian man: Excuse me, is this the gate to catch the flight to Bombay? Female security officer: KANNINAH what did you say? Travelogue I’m staying inside this ramshack of a building along Nathan Road. More updates to follow. Leaving on a Jetstar Comment on Boon Teck - The Patriotic Singaporean Speaks Out by Sibeh Sian Old Beng took the words out of my mouth, really! Let me contribute with more We Are Singapore song :D! “We are Singapore, we are Singapore, we will stand together, hear the lions roar :D!” I feel so patriotic now sia :)