Service Great word, great conviction.Innocence is not virtue.Virtue is innocence tested.Even ps himself saw porn before, but he did not compromise.At least I know now, that Im not alone. I was quite surprised he said that,But I like ps for being honest and straightforward. *Respect.Seeing how the people around me in my bunk, compromise just by seeing a girl,And to know that Im exposed to those kind of things everyday for 4 months and yet never compromising, Im really encouraged.It doesnt really matter what people say to me,They see my testing, not my heart.They see my trials, not my battle.God is at work...I remembered I once prayed, "God break me, and use me as You will.."Now the process has begun. I am still here, I am still loving, I am still serving.God has more faith and confidence in me than some people.I guess that's one way of looking at it.. POP It was over for me. =( All gone. My biggest day was my biggest disappointment. Because of some idiots.My 21st was kaput, now my POP, all the big events in my life are broken to pieces, no good memories left behind.Friends gone, dreams gone, happiness, joy and love gone. Everything gone..Im angry, but my face is expressionless,Im depressed but no tears would come out.Im still trying to smile, still trying to encourage people, still trying to love people.Burying and pressing everything down.All my hurts, all my pain, into my 'recycle bin'.And I think its running out of space..The sharp pain in my chest is back.The last time I almost fainted, and was admitted to A&E.Stress/Fatigue/Emotional pain, resulting in an unstable high-low blood pressure makes me feel that tight squeezing sensation in my chest.I dont know when Im gonna collapse.I dont wanna meet anymore people.I dont wanna talk to anyone anymore.I dont wanna go anywhere, or do anything.For some reason this pain makes me feel closer to home,Making me feel as if everything's gonna be over.Instead of finding love and getting more hurt,Instead of helping others and letting myself be taken advantage of,Instead of putting in my best effort only to wear myself out,Holding on to the pain seems the most easiest solution for me..=/Id rather be hurt once than thrice. =(At least..its over. Ill never have a 21st again, Ill never have a POP ever again in my life.Im just thankful I have great parents and a super great God..these alone, are enough for me.. Posting Results, Rants Yesterday was company night, with KFC and Pizzas. Not bad, everyone putting on a great show. But somehow, it feels like my 21st birthday, feeling lonely despite being not alone. To put it in short, its simply because Im having a happy occasion with the wrong people.And I dont understand, how people can tell me in the midst of it, have fun, enjoy yourself. Honestly, I dont care. Im a 'no nonsense' guy. I cant tolerate anything sub standard, character and attitude inclusive.If you wanna do something, do it well, put in ur best effort!If you wanna live life to the fullest, then live it like you have it!If not, then just forget it.Being surrounded by monkeys..'ohh have fun!', whats so fun about stripping and beating each other up? Being childish is fun to you? Wake up!!! Im sure a kindergarten kid is more happening than you!Just because I love someone it doesnt mean I can approve of his lifestyle. But still, I kept on loving, kept on serving.The past 2 weeks Ive been silent.Cleaning up rubbish left by others, paying for food only to be eaten and 'koped' by someone else, and during meal times, Im always the last one left behind. What happened?Basically everyone else either cut queued, except me. Or..they dont wash their hands. EVEN..when people had to make a rule saying you MUST wash ur hands before you eat, esp after that food poisoning case. And after eating, everyone just "ohhhh lets go..'', while I sit there alone, with my food jus arrived! HELLO!?!And you can still ask me, "aiyo andrew..why you now then start eating?" or.."Aiyo andrew, why you eat so slow?" Because seriously, everyone around me gobbles food down as if a toiletbowl is being flushed like that.Worse still, Im surrounded by sloppy, disgusting idiots. Not only that, clumsy as ever. Your butt so big you cant even see your feet is it!?! My boots get stepped on by fatty bomboms every single day! And every single day I polish my boots for goodness sake! I even have people ACCIDENTALLY sitting on my boots.I mean, are you from mars or something? How on earth is it possible to 'accidentally sit' on a pair of boots thats bigger than e size of your face!?! O_O Are your eyes so small you cant even see a truck coming at you head on?I have people who dont bathe, dont brush teeth, and neither do they change their clothes the whole week! No Im not exaggerating. And the same guy has been 'geng'ing since he came 4 months ago. Not only he 'skipped' physical activity, he eats rice the size of mount everest! I see already I also scared man. O_O (And its all just ONE GUY!)Sometimes I just feel like putting your whole head into the pile of rice, since you love rice so much! But seriously, the rice mountain is so high you can put a human head in it, or at least, half! No exaggeration again.ROOAAARRR!!! So mad!!! Why am I surrounded by looney clowns!?! Ahhhhh!!! You think this is cartoon network ah?Anyway, back to my posting results..haha.Division: Juliet Division (Jurong)Position: NSOSO (National Service Operations Support Officer)Basically, unlike ur usual 'staff assistants', this office job aint an ordinary slackers' job. Yes, its an office job, but the only difference is that, this post, is doing office work under the operations department.As in every div/hq, the operations dept is like a crucial part of the heirachy. Ill be doing more of planning, logistics stuffs under a managerial board, as an assistant. Crucial role? Yes. Stressing and challenging? Might be, especially on big days such as NDP, etc.I might even get to sit in the same meeting room as the 'higher-ups', I dont know..I heard someone whispering something about it haha.As you can tell, Im not really familiar with this post..why? Its new. Yes. My batch is the first to get it..lol. Just pray for the right people.But for someone like me, I prefer to work alone. =/ Random Thoughts "True friends are interested in each other's lives." - Rev Robb ThompsonThis is the juncture of my life, where I see friends come and go the most.Its during this period, 'friends' whom once were, no longer was. In place of them came new ones. Its almost as if there was an exchange. Sometimes, when a person is within reach, whether is it physically or communicatively, we tend to be close.And then when the distance increases, and you no longer see someone for a moment of time, the friendship fades away. Relationship that cant stand the test of time, relationships that cant stand the test of distance and inactivity.I dont know if its because of my lack of a social life or something, its like, friends, in a spiritual context, for some reason, the few who still remain in my life, are the ones I hold on closest and the dearest to.Its like, the moment there is friendship or a connection between me or a cg member or a fellow church mate, that person becomes my priority, that person becomes someone I would cherish for life.Im someone who doesnt speak a lot.I feel a lot, I think a lot, I reflect a lot. Im not an outdoor or a rahrah kind of person, I blend into the wallpaper, even though Im not really doing anything, its easy for me to just enjoy the company of friends, just by being there, was enough for me.And throughout the years, I realised something about myself, I dont mind jokes, I dont like games or interaction, most of the time, but one thing I enjoy the most is just sharing experiences and talking about the issues of life, talking about God, spiritual stuffs, moving in the gifts, encounters..To me, thats what excites me the most. Because no one turns me on more than Jesus! haha.Im looking forward to thursday...Visualise..visualise..visualise! *ponders for a moment. "TOMORROW IS THURSDAY!!! WOOHOO!!!" Yeah right, it will never happen. =/ lolbut..but..but..yea yea yea, smack my butt! =S Something Its one thing to say that you depend on God,Its another thing to give Him your life completely.You can depend on God and yet hold on to your own life...When will this emotional rollercoaster stop? =/I hate to find myself in tears every sunday night.. Service, CG, Randoms, Encounter This week has been tiringly boring haha.Wake up, breakfast, rehearsal, lunch, rehearsal, dinner, sleep. Gosh. Btw, POP is on friday 5pm. We have 4 POPs going on at once. 132nd NS intake, OfficerCadet Intake, Regulars, and Combined (Brunei police, prison, senior officers).Anyway, the boring things aside. Service was great yesterday. What a powerful message on the 4th dimension! No more praying with limits, no more living within the boundaries of our 3D world. Time to step out, time to break out.Arise and Build is coming. Im excited, yet at the same time, the devil is gonna hit us hard, he always does. Seriously, he's just a lion with bad breath and no teeth, all he does is roars, lies and puts fear into people.Yesterday my cg, wayne's cg and rhonda's cg combined fellowship at airport. LOL. It was funny seeing the huge group hogging a corner at T3 LOL. Had POPEYES..felt so pregnant after that =xOn e way home, on the train, there was an 'incident' with a 'difficult guy', who I found out from my bro later, that he's a 'regular'.Skinny, but defined body, 166-168cm, short pokey hair, slightly wrinkled, moderately big eyes, wears sports singlets and berms, carries a blackish blue handphone. Bumps people, and finds trouble at the exit of a train on the green line, between lavender to raffles city.And so, in short, he made a 'scene'.LOL..being police-trained, I can recognise the guy the next time I see him. Watch out. If I not happy with you, I take out my warrant card then you know. Anyway, he was the devil at that point in time. Come to think of it, he looks like lucifer too. HAHA..stupid dickhead. o.oAnyway..something amazing happened during make up cg yesterday morning. Towards e end of e meeting, we had a 'turn to ur neighbours and pray' session. So I was praying with this brother. He was a little 'unique'. So it was quite a challenge for me, first of all, I dont know him, secondly, he had difficulty praying and flowing and all that..so yea..Anyway, I didnt know where to start or end, and we were supposed to discuss something regarding e sermon and then pray, and so, I was asking him some things and he didnt reply, or rather, didnt know what I meant or how to communicate. So..yea, for a moment, I felt like I was talking to a wall..making a fool of myself.However, I started praying and we ended. I ended the prayer. But I dont know if he doesnt know it ended or what, he was still praying. So I was a bit stressed and irritated. Deep down I wanted to say, "Erm..Ive ended already?" or something like that..But deep down, I knew this wasnt the end..And true enough, my heart was open, I knew I wasnt good at prayer, all I had was a willing, servant heart, a vessel that God could use.I let Him down in some areas this week, and you know how it feels like..to let someone you love down and yet having to face Him, and worse still, ask Him for things through prayer, it feels bad. But thats how amazing God is, He loves, He forgives. His never-ending mercy, picked me up from where I was and brought me to where He wanted me to be.As I continued praying in tongues with the brother, the Holy Spirit whispered into my heart, "Pray for family...". Being human, we tend to reason in our heads. "Huh? Family? A bit 'off' ah? The sermon was about a renewed mindset and You want me to pray for family?"I felt awkward, and hesitant at first. But I obeyed anyway. Thats how faith is...it never makes sense. Hahaha...As I moved in obedience, HS moved me into the realm of gifts and, just like a download from heaven, in an instant, I received a word of knowledge, and I began to pray. Not loudly, but firmly, slowly and lovingly. I prayed for his family. I didnt know what to pray, but at that point in time, the thought of 'oh no, what am I gonna pray for?' never entered me.I knew from past experiences, that as long as I obeyed, God will take over. The words just came out..and amazingly, it found its way to the sermon message and the words just related and flowed so perfectly. Word by word, I didnt stumble at all, not one word.And as I prayed, he started weeping and crying, heavy sobbing and he was ministered on the spot, and I didnt even lay hands on him. It was really an eye opener for me. Just by being a blessing, I myself felt blessed. I knew at that moment that I was doing the right thing at the right time with the right people. =)Oh yes, remember the water research done by Masaru Emoto? I have a website thanks to Desmond. Haha. Just click HEREI found this new song by KC, he wrote it. We havent sang it yet, but maybe we will sometime later or probably during Asia Conference, I have a studio version of it though, haha..but Im not gonna upload it on imeem. *Respect. Haha.The God I Know - GanKCWhen the stage is bare tonightThere's no one elseJust You and meWhen the curtains close behindThere's no pretenseI'm on my kneesI will lay down my allFor there's no greater causeThan You my LordIt's all because of YouIt's all because of YouThe God I knowGlorious and holyThe God I knowIs faithful and trueThe God I knowA tower of refugeHearts are healedChrist revealedThe God I knowLight of this cityThe God I knowStrengthens the weakThe God I knowIs strong and mightyAs He is, so are weHoly HolyIs our GodIs our GodThe church He knowsGlorious and holyThe church He knowsIs faithful and trueThe church He knowsA tower of refugeHearts are healedChrist revealedThe church He knowsLight of this cityThe church He knowsStrengthens the weakThe church He knowsIs strong and mightyAs He is, so are we God I want you to face the mountain,So that you can see,When the mountain is out of the way,All there is left is Me...Only I can move the mountain,Only I can push it away,Only I can conquer the problemsThat you face today..Your only job is to believe,To listen to My voice,And when you hear what I command,Obedience is your choiceBut I will not make it too difficult forThe victory is already mine,And I will fill you with my SpiritAnd through you My grace will shine.Not when you are perfect,like you think you need to be,but when your heart is willing to becomemore and more like Me...Was chatting with someone on MSN, and I thought this piece of poetry really spoke to me. And Im sure it will speak to you too. This song is really old school, but I love it. Its one of the first few worship songs I sang when I first joined E110. =) Skins, skins, skins..CG and Service Downloaded a new skin for my msn that matches my desktop theme. This proves one thing..YOU DONT NEED VISTA JUST TO LOOK GOOD!There are like tons of good looking themes out there. I just love this media center theme, i even have a custom windows media center login screen haha.Sorry but Im no fan of vista lol. Its better off to the business freaks, me a gamer, shall stick to XP hahaha.Hmm lets see, update for this week..early bookout again. Yea, I booked out at 3 yesterday. Went for makeup cg at wendy's cg. Yuanrong is guitarist!!! Whoaaa...Cool stuff. Okay, maybe im just a LITTLE bit lagging. but oh well..lol =/CG was good. I froze everybody there, haha. The message was a rhema to me, the 4 tests in life.The pressure test, people test, persistence test and the priorities test. God began to speak to me so strongly in that meeting. Thanks yuanrong for the hospitality and the food! =)Service today was awesome, no shortage, no lack, arise and build in 3 weeks!God had already spoken to me an amount and ill be working towards it. Today was a rather 'different' day for me. Sometimes I speak a word during cg, but today, God gave me a word for my parents! Yes.Can you imagine the courage it took. But I kept on telling myself, obedience is greater than sacrifice...so yea, today was something different for me.Tmr is book in day. The upcoming week will be intense, full parade rehearsals. Most likely rehearsals ONLY, maybe add some other stuffs, blablabla.Well, POP is coming, I dont know..I dont feel that excited somehow...maybe its because Ive been inside too long =/Well, sleepy, will blog again tmr. Ciao. Service and CG Both were great. Arise and build is coming! I dunno about you but Im excited to give once again.I may not be financially 'blessed' yet, but one day, Im believing for my first million by the time Im 30. =) I confessed it once and Im confessing it again. XD haha.Nevertheless, the blessings Ive received from my previous Arise n Builds, the anointing, the favor, the early bookouts, the breakthrough academically and spiritually, has outnumbered my giving and God has blessed me with things that no money can buy.Just think about it...Sow your limited, and God will give you the unlimited.Sow the possible and God will give you the impossible.Lord, I give You my all in exchange for all of You...This week's book in timetable is strange. I have swimming, gym and then out of nowhere, ushering!!! LOL!!! Yes..USHERING, for enlistment day on tuesday.Even though it may seem like an interesting thing to do, but do pray for favor and the spirit of excellence to be upon me. That God will be glorified, what people in the world fail to do, with God, Im able to do all things!I was thinking this morning, the good grades Ive gotten, more than just prayer, love and the grace of God, I have to credit it to Elaine too.You see, Elaine's been the 'distinction' member in our cg, so I really wanted that anointing, I was really hungry for it, I wanted good grades..even though its law and not information tech, I wanted to see results Ive never seen before. And I remembered asking her pray for me.More than being specific with prayer, prayer is hardwork, prayer requires planning.Planned and specific to the point I know WHO to go to for prayer. More than just praying the right thing, Ive learnt its good to know the RIGHT PERSON to pray for you.Someone so gifted and abundant in the anointing of good grades, like Elaine, thats why I asked her, and a few others to pray for me.Im thinking, this arise and build, Im finding an opportunity for wenrui to pray for me. =)) HAHAHA! That guy, he has the THOUSANDS-OF-DOLLARS-DROP-ON-YOUR-TABLE anointing!I want it! Im hungry and desperate! This arise and build, will be the best arise and build of my life! XDIts amazing. Thats why God gifted us differently. Thats why we complement each other. Everyone is different, some total opposites. I believe, we're not just gifted to serve the unchurched, but the body of christ as well, our cgs, our zones, etc.E420For the anointing for business, you have Thomas and Sebas.For the anointing for academics and wisdom, you have Elaine.For the anointing for love and service, you have Pamela and Thaddeus.For the anointing for administration and creativity, you have Tricia and Pohchoo.For the anointing for finance and inspiration, you have wenrui.For the anointing for leadership and discipleship, you have our very own Adam.For the anointing for anointing and presence, you have me and Timo.So far, thats all I can think of haha. Thats who we are, thats what makes up E420. We're not just built on one man, but on every individual, playing his/her part, loving God wholeheartedly and loving people fervently.Oh yes, do check out the Good News Translation on bible.crosswalk.comRead the book of proverbs haha..its suuuuper straightforward and 'shooting'. I think its very pastor kong, haha..its very me too.Back to preparation for book in... POP is coming. Scenario Based Test: 85/100Final Law Theory Exam: 83/100Total strength of squad: 38Number of ppl retaking test: 22Number of failures: Highest score: 92/100Number of distinctions: 5-10Next week early book out at 3pm.Where on earth do you get distinctions in NS exams, early book out almost every month, 150 confinement reports getting cancelled and being able to attend service every week, not for 2 months, not for 2.5 months, but 4.5 months!God is good.What are you hungry for?What are you thirsty for?Where is your heart?Where is your treasure?Where is your priority?What/who do you think about most of the time?What/who is in your mind?Who do you talk about most of the time?Who do you talk to most of the time?Who do you spend time with most of the time?Let it be the One who gave His life for you. Hari Raya Okay, so..I booked out last night. Kinda sad cus last night cant go for night jog as it was pouring. =x lol.And tonight Im going back in again. Friday book out again. Pretty crappy schedule huh? But thank God this whole week is nothing but watching videos in the aircon classroom and parade rehearsals. (im gonna be fat garfield again!!! NOOO!!!)Anyway, just a sidetrack..I need to lose 3 more kgs to be acceptable weight, first time in my life! WOOHOO! lol.Took my final test on monday. Even though I did my best, I still have my doubts though. Cus there were 2-3 questions, I attempted TWICE, cus I wasnt sure of the answer. And unknowingly, the first attempt was the correct answer. O_OOkay, I think my post title is a bit irrelevant cus Im not talking about hari raya. -.-Friday is another crappy day..heard the entire intake have to go to jalan besah stadium to support the home team soccer match. O_O.I shall publicly declare here, I HATE SOCCER TO THE HARD-CORE!Anyone who asks me for a soccer game, be prepared for your referee to be kidnapped or your ball to be stolen (so that you cant start the match) !!! ARRRGGHHH!!!!Last whole week for my RT (recreation training), we had soccer e whole week! OMG! I just stood in the middle of the field and stone!Surprisingly, my team won even though I was teh shit.I think I can be those lucky charm or statues, whichever team owns me, will win, just put me on display. -.-" *Rubbish!Dont even make me start a whole rant on soccer..speaking of which, I havent been ranting for awhile, kinda lost my sense of sarcasm I must say..oops, i mean, "..I must type.." O_OSo yea, I have changed. But I dont care. lol..the moment ppl say 'hey, ure a little different' (and im not talking about anyone in particular, cus quite a handful said that to me now and then since ive enlisted haha)...like wenrui said, its because they have imposed their expectations on you, and the moment you change or lose your consistency, they cannot accept it or they take a long time to adapt to it.Haha..not bad, at least you know that there are people who know me just because they wanna get something out of me and they dont really love me for who I am..haha..pretty sad. well, not all, but still..lol..Sorry, Ive become more direct and expressive haha..Im not gonna continue hiding behind my happy smiley face all the time, when all people do is take advantage of me.Just like pastor kong haha..he has the 'professional' preacher mode. And he has his 'own normal' mode..and Ive seen that before. Trust me, you dont wanna come into contact with him when he's..'normal'..or, serious. lol.So..as I end here, let me say this..Before you go round looking for the right friends, please be a right one yourself. Hmm I dont know what this is..but alicia asked me to post it. sooo..lets see. *test test.*Its good the emo posts have stopped cause Im glad to be home.(Back to my usual stuffs) Law Test Hmm why is there a law test?I wonder who created the law test.Huh? You mean the law is a test?Huh? You mean the law must have a test?So...do you mean there's something wrong in the law thats why you must test it?Yea, I think so, there should be no NS. WOOHOO!Okay, Im not making sense here.Hmm, come to think of it..I never did. =|PS: I forgot this week got hari raya. (Nothing amazing about me losing touch of this world and of time..its normal. =x)Cute. Hahaha! =| Chris Tomlin - God Of This City This song really ministered to me. It came as a rhema."If you want God to place free deposits, He must be able to have access to free withdrawals". - Dr John Avanzini."I country did not send me thousands of miles to enter the race, they sent me here to finish the race". - John Stephen Akhwari Update Service was good.Missed out on a lot of things...So many things, so little time...Emotions raging...First things first..I just wanna do well for my test and POP.Guess timo isnt the only ganchiong spider,Im one myself, just that i tend to be a little more extreme...And I dont show it bit by bit..but all at once.I have a bad habit of accumulating my emotions...And then when a little is let out, everything just explodes out.Just like a plastic bag of water.I can be calm and cool.Im just like an artery. On the outside it may look calm and cool...just burst an artery and the blood will shoot out 3 metres into the air.Whatever things Ive done or said,Just take it as something coming from someone who's not as strong as you, but facing the same, if not greater challenges in life than you. Life isnt fair.When people tell me I have great favor, great grace from God...I dont know whether to be happy or sad, but I guess, there's gotta be a reason why I need so much grace, its because the level of difficulty for me, to face a particular situation, may be tougher than yours. =/My life is never about how great I am, but how great God is..thats all.Let me decrease,And let You increase. Stress Most men have the ability to analyse,But few can actually sympathise.Sometimes what people need is not an advisor,But an active listener.Sometimes, what people need is to let it go.Yet, people perceive, just because your shit is smelly,Every part of you on the inside is smelly.Sometimes, people see the person in the spirit,But its harder, to see the spirit of the person.Sometimes, what people need, is not a leader,But a friend.Sometimes, what people need, is not a helper,But a companion.I admire people who have no friends,Yet they live a happy life.Most of the time, we are so busy doing what is right,We forget what is important to God."Without love, you are nothing".Its mugging time... Service and CG, Randoms Service was good. The whole concept of sonship really blessed me.Dont just be a believer, dont just be a member, be a disciple, be a son and a daughter of the house. There are so many people that come and go, they think church is a hongkong cafe where its all about 'them' and 'their' needs, etc.Every week I see the same people wondering in church. When are they gonna get rooted into a celgrp? When are they gonna start serving in a ministry or even sign up for BS classes and be involved in what the church is doing?Ultimately the church is gonna progress even further and these people are just gonna be left behind. They find discipleship too hard, everything hard, boring, tiring and stressful.CG was okay. It wasnt at the 'high' today but Im still blessed.Its been more than 2 weeks without my parents around already. And fellowship, for me, has either been null or slipshort.I feel we should try to be back in those days where fellowship was bigger, with more people. But being small has its advantages too so yea.2 hours more to book in. Somehow I feel Ive never booked out. Im lonely, slightly depressed and even more so..stressed, cause tmr is my scenario test. And honestly, Im not expecting to pass it. But thank God if I do.It doesnt necessarily entitle me for a recourse, it just affects my posting thats all. And Ive always wanted an office posting, where I can go home everyday. Im not a people person, and I cant give an angry face or produce a stern tone with my voice..which some scenario requires.Things might get out of hand, where Im afraid I cant take the stress and I start whacking all the role-players who wanna make my life difficult and cause myself to fail immediately due to poor police conduct lol. Afterall, I dont really like or respect anyone inside, I dont like mingling with people.Yes, for some reason, Ive become more anti-social. =/ Its harder now for me to open up.Havent been having good sleep lately. At home and even in camp. Ill lie on my bed, and stone until Im tired or worn out enough to sleep and then automatically waking up early the next day, and unable to go back to sleep.I dont know if its fatigue or the start of insomnia. Losing my appetite also.Whenever I see people with their friends, partners, or clicks, most of the time, Ill be walking past alone. Deep down, I really long for someone whom I can talk to, someone whom I can pour out my heart to.Yea yea, people tell me, share with God and all that. But come on, Im still human, I have my own personal/social needs to, Ive never put aside my humanity.Everyone talks to at least one person a day, not for me, except weekends. Talk as in, really quality, heart to heart talk, not those hi and bye kind. O_OWhen Im excited, I cant find anyone to express my joy to. When Im depressed, I cant find anyone to express my sorrows to. Slowly, day by day, Im becoming more and more emotionally shutdown, burrying every emotion deep down, because...who will even bother to listen or share them with me?God's the only one who's...never failed to be there,never failed to listen,never failed to encourage,never failed to comfort,never failed to be interested,never failed to love,never failed to lift up,never failed to push,never failed to be a true friend.Im not saying that there arent any nice people out there. There are. But we are all imperfect, we all have our lives to live. But still, if I could lay down my life for others, I dont see why its so difficult to find even ONE who shares the same mindset and the same joy and motivation..In most conversations, whether on msn, sms, phone or real life, most of the time, Im the one saying the last words and then the reply never comes, making me feel like Ive been talking to a wall. Yet I kept on giving, I kept on sharing, I kept on loving and kept on keeping on..Is my english really very complicated that you cant understand or are you afraid of me or something? I really dont get it. Okay, pardon the sidetrack, I really have nothing to blog about..just passing time, getting my mind distracted from my book in..=/Sometimes..all I need is a distraction, a diversion, someone whos able to be there to prevent me from thinking the wrong and dirty thoughts every single day. But nooo. I have to endure, lie there by myself and listen to guys having orgasms and all that crap, for the whole day, for my whole BMT.Its like I have to save myself everytime there's an incident of sex/pornographic related topics/discussion. Already, Im socially deprived. So what to do? I just tag along with the topics, at least I dont lose my sanity, at least I dont feel even more depressed cus I have no one to talk to..After awhile, it becomes numb. All these topics are like part of everyday life already. The damage has been done. So what? Im still taking in all the shits ns has to offer me...by myself.Thank God for great people. But sometimes, somehow, I just dont feel it, or Im unable to anymore. 3 months of mental torment. Its not like in the army where u get whacked inside out. This is mental and emotional damage we're talking about here.And my BMT is like 4 months. How many people actually go through the toughest shits for 4 months? There are people who enlist later and POP earlier, who are in the army.I dont know, I dont care anymore..I feel like breaking down now..And yes, I didnt last week was mooncake festival, or was it the week before? I also dunno, dont care. Wonderful huh? *AhPek. O_O MSN Conversation Children Of The King: hw are you feeling?Children Of The King: sry i wasnt able to reply yr smses latedly...have been pretty busyAndrewie: hmm not bad..i really dont know how to say..God has been so good.. last week, my coy got confined, but some unknown guy managed to own up and all 350 confinement reports were deleted by our coy commander.. this week..i booked out at 4pm..2hours earlier.. i was thinking about it and i thought i heard God saying, 'its because u shared the little testimony a few weeks ago, that u could book out even though ur week was tough..Children Of The King: AWESOME!!!!!!Children Of The King: you better share this weekChildren Of The King: make it exciting yaAndrewie: next week is my scenario test..the following week is my final exam, after that is 2 weeks rehearsal..and then its all over..Children Of The King: just like what yr telling meAndrewie: sure intending toAndrewie: haChildren Of The King: WOW Poping finally manAndrewie: ya..4 months..Andrewie: sooooo long..Children Of The King: hahaChildren Of The King: gd for uChildren Of The King: Happy for u drewAndrewie: oh well at least its gd to know ive got almost 1.5yrs left to ORD.. in a way, it doesnt make ORD seem so longChildren Of The King: hws everything in camp?Children Of The King: hahaChildren Of The King: thats a positive and renewed mindsetAndrewie: still getting a little irritated though..but ive more or less gotten used to it..Children Of The King: God certainly has been GOOD to uAndrewie: yea..i dont know if i should say this..but.. for my entire bmt ive never missed a single cg and service..lolssChildren Of The King: perseverance is a fruit ...gotta remember ya...needs time and effort to cultivateAndrewie: yaChildren Of The King: WOW!!!Children Of The King: even i didnt achieve thatChildren Of The King: lolz...guilty party here lolz...plz raise yr hand hahaAndrewie: haha..Children Of The King: share that too yaAndrewie: ive never thought id be able to say something like that either..Andrewie: yaChildren Of The King: well those who wait upon the lord will certainly see the good stuffChildren Of The King: its the "dun be weary of doing good" theoryAndrewie: yea..every night when i lay on my bed..lots of stuff go through my mind.. most of the time its e negative stuffs, depressed feeling, stress and all.. but amidst them all..ive received revelations too.. one of em is this.. that no doubt ive gone through some severe breaking..grumbling and complaining and all..yet at the same time..fighting for the freedom to just be able to love God despite everything.. all the breaking, in a way, has broken every part of me..until all that is left..is God, and thats when i realise..in a way of perception, God is everything. because there's nothing or no one else..Andrewie: and timo once reminded me of the story of the broken flask..Children Of The King: ohhh...tell me the storyAndrewie: Hmm its e one where e woman poured the perfume on jesus' feet.. its kinda similar to my life..Children Of The King: oh that storyAndrewie: ive been asking God..why all this stuff? whats the reason behind all the things im going through.. and His answer was simple, "..its because you once prayed, 'God use me'.."Children Of The King: well then u gotta start penning it down...make a bookmark or something....maybe a song...then in future when yr feeling negative and dw again...always remind yrself of all the things that yr telling me right nw...its hw revalation and renma word works yaAndrewie: yea..Children Of The King: its similar to the potter and clay also dun u thinkAndrewie: yeahChildren Of The King: gotta start being vocal already yaAndrewie: and its amazing how the revelation was not just for me..but for another friend of mine whos going through family problems too and that word kinda came at the right time..Children Of The King: God may not be early...but he is never late :DAndrewie: breakthrough would not be possible without the 'break'ing.. yeap..haChildren Of The King: breakthrough would not be possible without the 'break'ing.. yeap..haAndrewie: haha ya..Andrewie: oh well it came at the right time..and im glad lolChildren Of The King: of course...time and seasons Booking in Did the laundry alone, ironing and housework alone.Booking alone. I guess ill take a cab.Emoing again.Sometimes I wonder why other people's lives are full of activities, social gatherings and happening moments, while I struggle just to find people to talk to.It mustve been fun hanging out with your classmates and colleagues everyday, while Im here, hanging out with no one every week..everyday in fact.Time to start mugging. And you know whats the saddest thing? I cant mug in a quiet spot alone cus Im not allowed to bring out the confidential books.So even mugging Ill feel lonely.5 more weeks, but it feels like an eternity when Im alone. =( CG, Random CG was great. Alvin led today.After cg I came home, only to realise that even my brother wants to take away my only day I have for myself. Come home only I have to shout at people.In camp, I suffer, come home, also suffer.Im only home for less than 24hrs and you want to get rid of me. If people arent leaving me, they are chasing me away.I feel homeless, lonely and depressed enough. Everyday I live alone. Even my lunch, I had to go out and have it alone. Didnt have breakfast today, all I had for breakfast was a bottle of leftover sugar cane.Just now was craving for pizza hut but I dont think anyone would want to accompany me anyway. Either that or they're too busy and I dont blame them. Life is cruel.Spent last night chatting with adelene. Its been like ages since we even saw each other or talked.Even though Im the one sharing most of the time, I still feel so blessed to know that when we water others, we ourselves will be watered.Sorry, just let me rant. I hardly have anyone to share with.Since I entered NS, for the past 3..almost 4 months, I only had ONE day to myself. That day was my day of mc when I could book in on monday..other than that. I never had time for myself.Ive been working non-stop, pushing myself, tiring myself, draining myself, injuring myself for the past 3 months non-stop.Its great to see people getting attached, its great to see people have a 're-nao' family/home, its great to see people have their own clicks and going out together, have great laughs and chats, spend quality time together.I have none of that.Ive been blogging MORE during my ns period than other days. Because I just have no one to talk to. Its as if Im talking to myself just to keep myself sane and socialised..with myself..Like some people said, self-entertainment, blablablah.People are starting to ask me, when will my emo posts end. Seriously, I dont know. And Im not interested either. Right now, Im just living for the sake of living, which is kinda sad actually.I have a feeling Ill blog again later.Till then. Im really thankful to God for my bookout.I dare say, Ive not missed a single service or celgrp meeting during my 3-4 months of BMT! Ive not stayed in ONCE! Well, if you DO find another NS guy who has never missed service or cg during BMT, let me know, we can become great friends.Impossible! You might say.With God, all things are possible.All things work out for good to those who love Himand are called according to His purpose.No weapon formed against me shall prosper.If you love God enough,If you make room for God enough,Im sure your faith will move the heart and the hand of God in your life.Its not about how good I am, blablablah.Who is God to you? Song, Service (short) Sorry. Imeem decided to 'cut' my song. O_O I dont know why there's a static sound at the start of the clip either. ^.O Guess some bug. *Sigh, and I thought I was the lousy programmer..lol.So I uploaded this one instead haha. Still nice tho..esp the electric guitar solo in the middle =DDAnd yes, Im playing gunbound. Chick. Haha. My bro installed on my laptop. I nothing to do, just cre8 account and play lor..haha.Service was great. Arise and Build is coming. Breakthrough is coming.Will blog more again later or tomorrow. =) Confinement, Great Song Hillsong United - Where the Love Lasts ForeverYour mercy found me,Upon the broken road,And lifted me beyond my failing,Into Your glory,My sin and shame dissolved,And now forever Yours I’ll stand.(Pre-Chorus)In love never to end,To call You more than Lord,Glorious friend.(Chorus)So I throw my life upon all You are,‘Cause I know You gave it all for me,And when all else fades,My soul will dance with You,Where the love lasts forever.Your mercy found me,Upon the broken road,And lifted me beyond my failing,Into Your glory,My sin and shame dissolved,And now forever Yours I’ll stand.(Bridge)And forever I will sing,Lord forever I will sing,Of how You gave Your life away,Just to save me, Lord You saved me.With You, where the love lasts foreverThis song is really whats coming from my heart, I could sing and shout out the song right now. Really meaningful lyrics, really expressive too.For those who know whats going on..you'd probably be wondering, what am I doing at home, blogging?Well, this week, people in my coy were caught for smoking and bringing in handphone chargers. My commander couldnt take it anymore, decided to confine the entire coy, all 350 of us, over the weekend.However, lets just say, someone..no, in fact, only ONE person, stood out from the crowd and admitted, after realising that the confinement report was already written and that it was already too late, he regrettably admitted himself to the commander on the verge of tears and in regret.Our CC was moved by his honesty and integrity, decided to let the entire coy off, for the sake of this one gentleman. All 350 confinement reports were deleted, to what expense, I dont know.Also, my CC and one of his colleague, are in charge of the overall discipline and confinement of the entire Training Command in the academy.All I know is that in the history of national service, no one has ever deleted 350 confinement records all at once. I dont know how its popssible too..imagine the paperwork..Lets just say God is good.If things arent working out in your life, its because: 1. You dont love God enough. 2. You are not walking according to His purpose."All things work out for good to those who love Him and are called according to His purpose".It says so, right there. Even though its been a tough week, at least I can say, it was a tough week, under a good and faithful God. Early book in My parents can accompany me already. It will be the last time Ill see them for a long time.But..I have to book in like an hour earlier. =SFirst my friends and cg members, then now my parents..why is everyone I love so far away from me? =( Each one is going further and further away..:'(God!!!!! :'(( I dont wanna leave Your presence..let me be lost forever..in Your presence, in Your love..:'( God please put your finger round the earth and spin it faster this week. =( Random again. My bro is out with friends/cg.Everyone's out having fellowship and spending quality time, either with their friends or family, on a sunday night.I hate sundays..Im always in my room, waiting to book in, getting all emo-ed up. =xWhen can I ever meet up with my friends and cg on weekdays again? =(( It seems like an eternity away.. POP, ya, right..1 month more People are enlisting one month later than me and POPing one month earlier than me. =(Oh well, at least when I POP i got 1 year 7 months to ORD..=/Okay, it doesnt really much help to cheer me up.CG was good. Didnt really fellowship much, cus everyone went separate ways so yea. Home now. Booking in later.. =x Parents wont be around to see me off. =(They wont be around for the next 2 weekends either..I hate this feeling...Since Ive enlisted every week I experience the same emotional breakdown. Too bad Im not gay, if not I wouldnt feel lonely every week..=/I read my friends' blogs, they have pictures and videos..for me? I hadnt had one since I enlisted, maybe just 1 or 2, but thats about it. None of them really showed me smiling the way I used to smile anymore.. Chris Tomlin - Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone) Amazing graceHow sweet the soundThat saved a wretch like meI once was lost, but now I'm foundWas blind, but now I see'Twas grace that taught my heart to fearAnd grace my fears relievedHow precious did that grace appearThe hour I first believedMy chains are goneI've been set freeMy God, my Savior has ransomed meAnd like a flood His mercy rainsUnending love, Amazing graceThe Lord has promised good to meHis word my hope securesHe will my shield and portion beAs long as life enduresThe earth shall soon dissolve like snowThe sun forbear to shineBut God, Who called me here belowWill be forever mineWill be forever mineYou are forever mine 4-word post (Not 4 letter) Service will be great.. Random For the next 2 weeks I wont be seeing my parents cus theyll be overseas..I have 2 tests and 1 exams..Lonely in camp, lonely at home.Sleeping alone, eating alone, crying in the presence of God alone..I no longer feel lonely now, Im so used to being alone, living alone..Just me and God..and even though sometimes I dont really feel Him..Have I changed? Does the Andrew that you know still exist?Am I still the funny lame guy people talked about?Am I still the cute smiley kid people used to say about me?I dont think so. Manly huh? Yeah, very manly indeed.Im so 'strong' that I cant feel emotions anymore.So 'strong' that when people are hurt I can just say, its okay and not feel a thing.Im a man now, not because of God anymore, but because of the world.Im no different from men from the world, Ive seen porn from the people around me,Ive raised my fists and legs at people. Ive spoken vulgarities.I no longer like to socialise, I no longer like to be around people.Everytime people gather, I will walk away.Being alone doesnt really make me emo anymore, being around people now makes me emo.Yet..Why do I get so many compliments from people around me?Why do I get so many encouraging statements from people around me?Why am I able to draw so many people, what makes me attractive?Where does my strength come from?How can strangers read my blog and feel blessed?How can my smile brighten people's day?How can my words bring life to broken dreams?How can my fingers bring down the presence of God?Why do people tell me Im loved and treasured.What is it have I done? I dont know.Yes, Ive encouraged, when Im discouraged.Yes, Ive brought smiles, when Im not smiling myself.How can all this be possible?How can I draw down the presence of God when Im going through depression?Is it because of my daily walk with God?I dont know.All I know is, whoever you are, whoever is out there, if you read this and Im your friend...Just know that I paid a heavy price to be your friend.All the hardships I go through, is just so that you can smile.All the tears Ive shed, is just so that you can pick yourself up again.People tell me my blog is encouraging..Its only through my brokenness, that the love of God can flow.Im already broken..every single day, every single minute, over and over again..Words alone cannot express how my heart aches..Most of the nights in my bunk I would be in tears,No one knows, no one sees, except God.Hiding under my pillow crying till 12 plus in the morning..sleeping only 4-5 hours..And then waking up to face the next day, encouraging people along the way..Sometimes when ure at ur lowest, there will be a bunch of people who would love to step on you and crush you until you die. Honestly, I dont mind. Just do whatever you want to me.When Jesus was mocked and flogged, He never retaliated.I could sympathise with Him, the sufferings He went through along the way from the cross, He mustve felt even more lonely than me..Lord, I understand, Lord, I know how it was like roughly to go through something like that, thats why Im working so hard Lord..thats why Im giving my best, even though I have nothing left to give, because Lord, I want to be like You.When I had my chest pain, I was so happy, I thought I could finally die.But I didnt. When I felt giddy and faintish, I thought I was gonna pass out andEveryone would be over, but I didnt. Why? =((I wonder, what did Jesus feel seconds before He breathed His last?Was He heartbroken? Or was He happy that everything would finally be finished?Maybe both?I died, so that you could live. Love When do you know that, love isnt really love?Simple, when things go wrong.God is love.God is not wrong.So loving God's way, is the best, and to me, the only way.God is love.He alone defines what love should be, not you.Until you have experienced what love is,Until you have experienced who God is,Without the right input, do you think you will ever have the right output?God loved the unchurched.Some didnt love Him back.God loved the world,He gave His only Son.Is God still a happy God? Yes.Did God say, "Oh dear, I cant face them again?" No.How many times have we left Him and yet He says,"Draw near to Me and I will draw near to you?"When God loves, He lasts. Do you?Are you showing the love of man?Or are you showing the love of God?"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love will last forever, but prophecy and speaking in unknown languages and special knowledge will all disappear." - 1 Cor 13:4-8 (NLT)B.I.B.L.E - Basic Instructions Before Leaving EarthHe is the ultimate example.Therefore, learn from Him. Booking in, God Kneeling on my bed..sobbing like a baby, hugging my bolster..=SGod, I dont wanna book in..God, I dont wanna leave Your presence..Thank You for today..Thank You for allowing me to spend time with You for one more day..God, I miss my room, the times we had..God, we've gone through so much together..Through my thick and thin, Ive always come back to my room,My secret place with You..Pouring out my joys, my laughters and tears..God, I miss boon lay..This is the place where I first met You and got saved..This is the place where I first met genuine friends, in E110 back then..This is the place where I had romantic nights with You together..This is the place where I met so many great people..This is the place where we had great cg meetings..This is the place where I met angels..God, I dont wanna leave this place..=((Leaving this place is like leaving heaven.God, I wanna be lost in Your presence everyday, every hour, every minute and second..God, I cant live without You..:'( Apart from Your presence, I find no meaning in life,No motivation, no interest, to do anything, to talk to anyone..God, every night I cry silently in my bunk, thinking of You..I would imagine You walking to me every night, stroking my head and kissing me..God, I want to see Your face..Every night I lie on my bed and sleep after midnight,Waking up at 4 plus in the morning, just to think about You..Just to wait for and to linger in Your presence..I would sacrifice my rest, just to be with You..I would sacrifice my social life, and be alone, with You.. =(God, I love You..God, I miss You..When I had no friends, You were there as my only friend..When I was lonely, You were always there for me..You've seen me grow up, You've seen my strengths and imperfections..Im already 5 minutes late..But I dont wanna go..God, let me stay with You, let me be with You :'(You will always be my true friend, my saviour, my lord, my abba.. God is more lame than Adam LOL. Okay, I know Ive been telling God how lonely I feel in camp..But He always does things big..so he allowed someone to confess to me lol. I have a feeling I have more coming =/ Dont worry, no commitments, no relationships for now. Who knows, I or e person might like someone in e future. When I was 20, Im still having crushes..I think I better control the anointing from my guitar before I get swarmed. =x haha.Im gonna miss this day, spent the whole day at home with God. =((I wanna ORD today!!! :S